sleepygoat

1) AD's bf told me she got arrested last night (possession, I guess). Yup, he bailed her out in spite of my asking him not to.

2) my professor from the class I was taking shared with me today that her brother is dying of AIDS, had his arm amputated last month, and has brain lesions now.

3) a woman I am sponsoring told me today that her addict step -son died last year from AIDS.

So reality does tend to intrude on my "modified denial". hard not think about the truth when stuff like this comes along, unsolicited! Oh well, I still was able to function, and did not want to get high, did not smoke (though I want to. I'm quit 1 week again), and got many things done, including some rest and relaxation.

Impurrfect

(((Sleepy)))

Sounds like you still are coping well....life keeps throwing things at you, but you're finding ways to handle it. I think you're doing great! I am really proud of you for not smoking...I tried to quit but didn't stick with it. I still want to quit, but not bad enough yet. You inspire me!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

I have a little place in my heart where I store that which is too painful to handle all at once. It's not denial although it's close, but more of a safe place to keep it where I can take it out when I am prepared to handle it and then put it back again when it overwhelms me.

You are attached to a situation that would be most mother's worst nightmare, so am I and most of us. To live in the reality of it all for 24 hours a day is just too hard and can take us to a dark place if we let it.

What helps me is to continually give it to God, telling Him that it's bigger than me and that I need Him to take over and release me from the fear.

You and your daughter are in my prayers each day.

Hugs

sleepygoat

Amy - you know I really think I may have reached a bottom with the smoking. I smoked for 3 weeks (after being quit for 3 months), and got bronchitis after the first 2 weeks. But also I just couldn't stand the need, the standing out in the cold, the money I spent, the shortness of breath, the dirty ashtrays, the feeling of defeat... well I came to the conclusion there wasn't anything I did like about smoking anymore. It didn't give me the escape or the relief I sought (not even the first day). But i still could not quit without chantix, so when you are ready, talk to your doctor about getting it.

Thanks Ann, I think you describe it very well in your first paragraph. I do know its way too big for me and must be a job only God can handle, but I still have trouble totally letting go to Him (because addicts I have prayed for daily have died anyway- 2 from my NA area. So why not my kid, too? And there is just no acceptance of that. I don't want to get to a place of acceptance of that)
I got a new sponsor yesterday who is awesome (23 years clean) and we are going to work on my "application" of the first 3 steps in this area (my daughter). I've done great with the writing, the reading, the understanding for years now. But when it comes to the application, I fall way short.
Obviously I am getting just what i need.