orviske

My SO has been trying to regain his license after a DUI over a year ago. He's been having to go to Traffic School for 3 hour classes, and has four to go. FORTUNATELY he also has to attend some AA meetings as well.

He brought home this quote, and today as I was quickly packing and getting my toosh in gear, I really thought about it. I thought about my life....where I was, where I am and where I'm going.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish"

I have been increasingly emotional and miserable. My SO and I have had several fights since Christmas. And I wonder.....is it the drugs and alcohol running through our systems? Sure its not a daily or nightly habit....but these things effect your brain chemistry and your hormones and emotions (especially coke). Until recently I have been uncontrollably crying.

I really didn't think I had too much of a problem with my addictions, until one night, for some unknown reason I ended up here. I really gave some thought to our actions for every weekend the past 3-4 months. This past Friday night we left the apartment of a "friend".....and everytime we leave, it's awkward. I always make plans with this girl, and then am for some reason dissapointed when she doesn't call. Every time we leave, I always think to myself "They have lost all concept of reality...."

Today I thought of me. Have I lost concept of reality? I realize I have no sense of priority these days....no real concept of time. Days run into nights and into days.

It's not like me to not pay my bills. It's not like me to lose all idea of consequences of losing my job. It's not like me to forget to send a birthday card to a friend.

So, I have developed a plan......its not down on paper yet.....but its a plan. A plan to stay sober....a plan to be happy. One can wish to be happy, but without a plan will we attain it?

Part of the plan entails going to my first AA meeting or an NA meeting when I return from my business trip. I'm scared....but I'm looking forward to it.

If the folks there are anything like the folks here, I know I'll find it productive and helpful!

Blessings to all.....


K