Aysha

After last weekend. I have prepared myself for alot of bad karma to head my way.
I deserve it as far as I am concerned. But at the same time. I cant let one slip keep me from moving forward. But I believe I should have to pay for that mistake. Or that nothing really good should happen for me for awhile.
But it has. First being I already have an interview at the job I wanted before I took that one I hated. Also my grams is home. And she isnt too upset with me. She knows I screwed up and it wasnt intentional. And that I plan on doing what I have to do to fix whatever I messed up.
But this is what has got me a little scared. Like I am going to be struck by lightning anytime.
I got my taxes back today. Which I have been waiting for. So I can get another car.
So we go to the dealership just to see what they can do for me and what I will need to do to make it happen later on.
I swear. It went so smooth and problem free it has me scared.
I brought a car home today. Bad credit. No job as of this moment. And it was too easy.
I really dont like things happening like that because I feel like I may not appreciate it as much as if I were to have to suffer a little for it.
Plus I dont think I deserve it after last weekend. I do need it to find a better job and get my grams to many Dr apptsshe has. And it will take a huge burden off the rest of my family.
I dont know. I should be happy. And I am. But I feel like I am being setup or tested or something. Like I am setting myself up to fail. Or I am not worthy to have such a blessing.
My grams told me that God knows who the good people are. And it pays to have a good heart. And thats why we are always blessed and come out ok no matter what.
I know for her. She's the sweetest cotton candy at the fair.
But me...I just feel like I need to suffer for my past mistakes.
I dont know. I am just rambling now.
Why do I feel so unworthy of anything that goes my way?

nogard

Cos thats what where are used to. Feeling like crap and traeting others like crap and being traeted like crap.

It takes a while to let go and to just accept what is. Slipping is just that slipping.

Pat your self on the back. Here is a (((((((((((chiy))))))))))))

Kevin

best

You have a very wise Gram

If God gave us what we think we deserve, not one of us would be alive today.

What you need to accept is this...

Your Gram loves you deeply and God loves you even more.
If your Gram can love you so much...how much more does a loving God that is perfect in love care for you?
Our punishment has been paid in full by the Lord.

nogard

Yep and I like your gram. Mine was the loving centre of my life and I still miss her, she died when I was 13, I think I carry much of her with me these days.

Kevin

Mattcake

Hi Chiy,

I think you answered your own question:

We all deserve this, in one way or another. You have owned up to your slip, taken responsibility for it. When I read your posts it strikes me how humble and honest you seem to be. Why should you have to mourn a torn up flowerbed, or expect to be punished? Just plant a new one and tend to it; you have done it before.

Matt

gravity

Well, I think that you deserve to have good things happen. You have been trying so hard and have had some real success. Your grandma believes in you, everything went well at the car dealership, and you have been granted an interview for a good job. You have earned it all.

Dee74

can't add to this really...but I will LOL

you're sorry for your mistake, you're trying to make up for it and do the right thing - even if I believed in cosmic punishments (and I don't) you're atoning for any slip....karma wouldn't apply here

and the trouble with thinking you've got bad things waiting for you is that it can make it easier to think 'well, if I'm doomed anyway, I may as well be bad again...' that addict voice will use anything

You have every chance of a good life as any of us do. Don't talk yourself out of it Trish...

D

nogard

Amazing insight Dee, gave me one of those tingling moments.

Kevin

David 1

Plus, we all have that evil, alcoholic part of our brain that tries to trick us. If something good happens it just means that something bad has to happen too, so why not drink and make it all go away? Except, as you say in your post drinking just makes everything worse - Look how powerful that negative voice is!!

That is why I have found it is good to reach our to sober friends or family to help keep us on track.

For me anyway, life with alcohol is so positive and filled with opportunities - They are there for you too if you look.

Dave

ps - sorry D - I just read your post as I was typing mine!!!!

Dee74

years of practice, unfortunately Kev....

D

LOL no worries Dave

nogard

still amazingly put Dee I struggled to express myself for at least the first year and still do often and I love it when I read something and its hit me like that and I say 'yes thats it exactly.'

Thanks

nogard

Fortunate in many ways Dee

You survived
Your sober
Your well enough to be here for others
....

Kevin

Aysha

I never thought to look at it like that. But your right. Tricky little s*** this addiction.
I am grateful I do get blessings. Even when I dont think I deserve them. Makes me wonder why. But then it tells me I may just have some purpose in life.

Dee74

everyone who dares to think they might have a purpose does, I reckon Trish

D

nodrinkingzone

I'll pay that, Dee74 - life is in the dreaming, and the making of dreams...

getting ready for bed now *yawn*, sleep good out there!

Good luck Chiynita, enjoy your car and helping out your grams, she sounds like one in a million