Alaia

I love my bf. He abuses heroin. He went to re-hab and had 90 days clean, and then relapsed before the holidays. He was living with me and I didn't even notice till Dec. 23rd. He tired to tell me he was taking suboxone but admitted the next day that he had been using again. I kicked him out of my house and then called his parents to let them know he was no longer living with me. They were supportive and compassionate. They said I did the right thing. He called me later to ask me if I had called his parents and was mad because now he had no where to go. Our conversation was short. He then called back, but I let the machine pick up and he was begging for me to come get him because he had no where to go and was going to have to sleep outside in the freezing cold. I didn't pick up, but it broke my heart. He called me the next day, asking for me to take him back, to let him come to my house and I said no. I told him he needed to go to detox and check himself into a program. He had lost it all. His job, which was a really good job and had sent him to re-hab, he lost me, and no one would let him stay with them. I thought it might be his rock bottom. He called me later that night, he was @ his parents house. They had caved and went to pick him up so he wouldn't be homeless. He said it wasn't worth it, that he was sorry and he wanted to stay clean. He started to act on his best behavior, things seemed to calm down. We started talking again. he was going to meetings, or so he said. This was right before New years.

Feb. comes and he gets his taxes done and gets his pension check from his job that he lost. He buys his son a wii for his birthday and pays his ex some of the child support he owes from the last 6 months. I wanted him to give it all to her to try and catch up, but he didn't. I tried to get him to pay some of his bills, pay back his parents the money he owed them or maybe give me some for monthly expenses, but no dice. The last few weeks I have noticed his eyes were pinned and I knew something was up. He tried to lie to me, make me feel like I was crazy. He swore on his sons life that he hadn't taken anything at all, till I found the 2 suboxone hidden in his drawer. He confessed he bought 15 because he was trying not to get high. It wasn't until yesterday, when I noticed his minutes were extremely high on his cell (which is a line added to mine) and I pulled the records from online to find out that he was getting high. I confronted him and at first he tried to deny and said he didn't know who's numbers they were...but knew how much I hate when he lies, he came clean. He had relapsed again. He had money from his taxes and instead of doing the right thing, he got high for 2 weeks right under my nose and I didn't notice till he was taking the subs. He just started a new job on Wednesday, things were looking up and they came crashing down again. I went with him to a meeting on monday and then this comes out on wednesday. Monday I thought he was just taking subs, cause his shot had wore off and he didn't want to get high. But now I know he got high for 2 weeks and I think he ran out of money so he got the subs so he wouldn't have withdrawls (he says no, it wasn't worth it and that he wanted to stop so he got the subs to help him) I don't know if I should believe him. He hasn't even looked for a new sponser since his relapse in the fall. I told him about this site, he said he joined, but I haven't seen any posts from him. I feel in a way I am enabling him to do whatever he wants, but I see him trying as well, getting this job, going to meetings again, asking me to go with him, which I will go to every one if he asked me to. It's so hard sometimes because I know he wants it, but he gives up so easily when he gets depressed. I wish he would use all the tools available to him to his advantage, and after typing that, it makes me think...does he really want it that bad?

and on top of it all my best friend in the whole wide world, and her boyfriend are fighting to stop using as well. It just really sucks that so many people close to my heart have to have this awful disease. Is there any hope? I know they say only 2% of people that shoot it will recover. The odds suck. But I can't give up on the people I love.

biocat

(((alaia)))

Makes me so sad. :-( My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Alaia

Thank you. I am at a loss right now.