Lost cause?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 8
Lost cause?
As I sat her drinking a 16oz Milwaukee's Best, home alone, I started thinking about what happened to me the other night. So I looked up "alcoholism and bedwetting" on Dogpile, and stumbled upon you guys' little coven.
It started out a normal night. I got off work and went to visit my friend at her work because I had lost my cell phone (after getting smashed and trying to drive around looking for a bag of weed) and was trying to gather everyone's phone numbers. She suggested we get together and drink after she got off that night. Of course, I said "right on.... what time?".
So I get home around 5:30 or 6 and down a couple of beers. I feel totally normal and fine, if not a little happier, and watch some TV, actually thinking that I may not head over to her house after all.
By 10:30 I'm feeling pretty good and decide to go on over anyway. She is not home and I'm a little annoyed at having to drive accross the city (I live in St. Louis) to meet up with her, and having no cell phone, was unable to get ahold of her.
I had bought a fresh twelve pack of beer, in addition to the one I was drinking on before I left.
So I go home.
I'm feeling alright and am obviously not ready for bed, so I screw around on the internet, watch some more TV, and get to work on the new twelve pack I brought home.
2:00am
I am quite drunk, but evidently did not realize it because I go to the nearest payphone and call her. She sounds like she may have been asleep, but insists I come over anyway. I go back home and collect the remaining three or four beers I have left, and hit the road.
This is where I am a very fuzzy. It seems that I remember getting there and telling her that I had forgotten my work clothes for the following day. I remember her asking me if all I needed was a collared shirt. I think she also offered to smoke a bowl with me. Whether I did or not is not clear.
I wake up to the sound of her telling me to turn the f@cking alarm clock off and get to work.
I am horrified. She is still half asleep (we slept in the same bed), and obviously doesn't realize that I just P@ssed in her bed. I am fully awake now and do not have the ability to say, "hey I just peed in your bed, I'm so sorry" or whatever the hell you are supposed to say to someone when something like that happens.
I'm supposed to be at work in one hour.
Luckily (I guess) it was one of the biggest snow storms of the year, and I just go home and fall into bed for another five hours, not even bothering to call work and tell them I wont be there.
I show up at work the next day and explain to them that I could not get my car out of the driveway, and having lost my cell phone, there was no way for me to call.
They accepted, and everything is fine.
I KNOW I have a problem. The entire next day after that I thought to myself that I may actually stop drinking now. That this may be my rock bottom.
I am on my way home from work tonight and get the urge. I stop off and get a twelve pack and get busy.
My boyfriend is out of town until next Monday. We have lived together since last may, and though he is a heavy drinker, he is not a problem drinker. When he drinks, he drinks a lot. But when I drink 5 nights a week, he drinks maybe once. I have had many instances before that have caused me to want to stop, and his theory is that I may need to stop, or I may just need to cut down. He is at a loss for what to do, as am I.
This is not my first battle with addiction. I was a meth addict for three years when I was a teenager. IV addict. I was 95 pounds and I would live, breath and (NOT) sleep meth. I went to prison when I was nineteen for revoking my probation for possession and have not used the drug since.
however.... my boyfriend has since discovered that he cannot keep any kind of narcotic painkiller or marijuana (even though he only smokes twice a year at most) in the house because it will not remain long. Same goes for beer and liquor, though I usually keep some kind of alcohol in the house.
I really just want to hear you guys' comments... I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I've tried everything from AA to Zen meditation... no joke... am I a hopeless cause?
Sauced in St. Louis
It started out a normal night. I got off work and went to visit my friend at her work because I had lost my cell phone (after getting smashed and trying to drive around looking for a bag of weed) and was trying to gather everyone's phone numbers. She suggested we get together and drink after she got off that night. Of course, I said "right on.... what time?".
So I get home around 5:30 or 6 and down a couple of beers. I feel totally normal and fine, if not a little happier, and watch some TV, actually thinking that I may not head over to her house after all.
By 10:30 I'm feeling pretty good and decide to go on over anyway. She is not home and I'm a little annoyed at having to drive accross the city (I live in St. Louis) to meet up with her, and having no cell phone, was unable to get ahold of her.
I had bought a fresh twelve pack of beer, in addition to the one I was drinking on before I left.
So I go home.
I'm feeling alright and am obviously not ready for bed, so I screw around on the internet, watch some more TV, and get to work on the new twelve pack I brought home.
2:00am
I am quite drunk, but evidently did not realize it because I go to the nearest payphone and call her. She sounds like she may have been asleep, but insists I come over anyway. I go back home and collect the remaining three or four beers I have left, and hit the road.
This is where I am a very fuzzy. It seems that I remember getting there and telling her that I had forgotten my work clothes for the following day. I remember her asking me if all I needed was a collared shirt. I think she also offered to smoke a bowl with me. Whether I did or not is not clear.
I wake up to the sound of her telling me to turn the f@cking alarm clock off and get to work.
I am horrified. She is still half asleep (we slept in the same bed), and obviously doesn't realize that I just P@ssed in her bed. I am fully awake now and do not have the ability to say, "hey I just peed in your bed, I'm so sorry" or whatever the hell you are supposed to say to someone when something like that happens.
I'm supposed to be at work in one hour.
Luckily (I guess) it was one of the biggest snow storms of the year, and I just go home and fall into bed for another five hours, not even bothering to call work and tell them I wont be there.
I show up at work the next day and explain to them that I could not get my car out of the driveway, and having lost my cell phone, there was no way for me to call.
They accepted, and everything is fine.
I KNOW I have a problem. The entire next day after that I thought to myself that I may actually stop drinking now. That this may be my rock bottom.
I am on my way home from work tonight and get the urge. I stop off and get a twelve pack and get busy.
My boyfriend is out of town until next Monday. We have lived together since last may, and though he is a heavy drinker, he is not a problem drinker. When he drinks, he drinks a lot. But when I drink 5 nights a week, he drinks maybe once. I have had many instances before that have caused me to want to stop, and his theory is that I may need to stop, or I may just need to cut down. He is at a loss for what to do, as am I.
This is not my first battle with addiction. I was a meth addict for three years when I was a teenager. IV addict. I was 95 pounds and I would live, breath and (NOT) sleep meth. I went to prison when I was nineteen for revoking my probation for possession and have not used the drug since.
however.... my boyfriend has since discovered that he cannot keep any kind of narcotic painkiller or marijuana (even though he only smokes twice a year at most) in the house because it will not remain long. Same goes for beer and liquor, though I usually keep some kind of alcohol in the house.
I really just want to hear you guys' comments... I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I've tried everything from AA to Zen meditation... no joke... am I a hopeless cause?
Sauced in St. Louis
Last edited by omegaweapon85; 03-05-2008 at 05:42 PM.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,602
No one's a hopeless cause Omega. I drank heavily for 15 years and daily all day at least for 5 and today I'm 11 months clean.
you just gotta want to be straight more than you want to be f'ed up. How you get there to that point is up to you - lots of suggestions here tho about how to recover
good luck and welcome
D
you just gotta want to be straight more than you want to be f'ed up. How you get there to that point is up to you - lots of suggestions here tho about how to recover
good luck and welcome
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I don't think you are a hopeless case
at all. You too can find a sober and clean future.
The key for me?
I had to want to quit
more than I wanted to drink
Glad you found us...stick around
I don't think you are a hopeless case
at all. You too can find a sober and clean future.
The key for me?
I had to want to quit
more than I wanted to drink
Glad you found us...stick around
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,801
Hi and welcome to SR
I used for 23 years over a period of 40+ years. When I stopped on my own for many years and like you picked up again one day and this time it was booze. I quit when I was totally hopeless thats what a bottom is to me, I think all our rock bottoms are the same; on the inside we are broken and without hope and then I reached out and asked for help (ask: Ass Saving Kit).
When I stumbled into the rooms of NA I was helpless and hopeless, but I was still full of the disease and my ego was huge, I knew everything and woudl tell you, "yes I know... I know" Truth is I knew nothing but I saw that something was happening in these meetings so I hung around.
As time passed I got phyiscally well and started to realise that I did not have a clue about anything. You guys taught me I am and addict and that I can't use one drug or pick up one drink as it triggers a physically reaction and I can't stop.
After a year clean I was exhibiting many of my using behaviours and could not 'fix' them again you guys told me to work the steps and to connect with my spirituality. I am doing this and life has changed completely or rather I have changed life just is as it is. I am able to live in this solution and just accept things. I have good and bad times like everyone does I use my spiritual program and my realtionships with other addicts in recovery to accept and deal with life.
All of this from simply asking for help . These days I don't have to know everything, I have a good life because I have a connection to a power greater than me which started growing in the rooms of NA. When I am alone and try to quit I have no pwoer, my addiction has all the power and I use. When I am with one or more addicts working on recovery a power greater than me is also present and I have pwoer to spare over my addiction, so I use the spare power to carry the message as best I can.
I used to pee my bed and my tousers and accepted as a way of life, I used through a stroke and continued without any thought.
Today I look after myself, I love myself and like myself and because of this I extend the same to others
Together we can.
Kevin
I used for 23 years over a period of 40+ years. When I stopped on my own for many years and like you picked up again one day and this time it was booze. I quit when I was totally hopeless thats what a bottom is to me, I think all our rock bottoms are the same; on the inside we are broken and without hope and then I reached out and asked for help (ask: Ass Saving Kit).
When I stumbled into the rooms of NA I was helpless and hopeless, but I was still full of the disease and my ego was huge, I knew everything and woudl tell you, "yes I know... I know" Truth is I knew nothing but I saw that something was happening in these meetings so I hung around.
As time passed I got phyiscally well and started to realise that I did not have a clue about anything. You guys taught me I am and addict and that I can't use one drug or pick up one drink as it triggers a physically reaction and I can't stop.
After a year clean I was exhibiting many of my using behaviours and could not 'fix' them again you guys told me to work the steps and to connect with my spirituality. I am doing this and life has changed completely or rather I have changed life just is as it is. I am able to live in this solution and just accept things. I have good and bad times like everyone does I use my spiritual program and my realtionships with other addicts in recovery to accept and deal with life.
All of this from simply asking for help . These days I don't have to know everything, I have a good life because I have a connection to a power greater than me which started growing in the rooms of NA. When I am alone and try to quit I have no pwoer, my addiction has all the power and I use. When I am with one or more addicts working on recovery a power greater than me is also present and I have pwoer to spare over my addiction, so I use the spare power to carry the message as best I can.
I used to pee my bed and my tousers and accepted as a way of life, I used through a stroke and continued without any thought.
Today I look after myself, I love myself and like myself and because of this I extend the same to others
Together we can.
Kevin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 8
That's the thing...
... I understand the psychology of addiction. I understand why I am an addict. But even through all of that I prefer to be "f'ed" up as someone put it. How can one want to be clean when it is so ease to hide the real problem. I of all people should know the answer to this question. After I got out of prison I had no desire for meth. But I immediately replaced it (that night as a matter of fact,) with alcohol. And have been drinking since. Four years ago, and I can remember about 60% of it. I know it sounds dramatic... but since i have started using, I have needed SOMETHING. Whether it be weed or meth or alcohol.... and though the drug changes the pattern remains the same. The only difference now is that I can hold a job (I have been working steadily for the last two years) and that most people have no idea I have a problem at all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Welcome Omega...
Isn't it great to post that story on here and not hear "are you out of your mind". Try telling those kind of stories to "normal" people and they try to distance themselves from you. I know....I've got 30 years of carrying around the guilt and shame of addiction.
You mentioned hitting bottom. Drop the flippin shovel, I'm telling you from experience there's nothing to find in that hole but misery and pain. Start climbing out, the people here will help and if your serious about recovery try the AA thing again. It took me 4 tries in the program but I've finally made it to the point that I love my meetings and my friends there.
You can do it. I can tell from your post you want it. Go get it!!
It's not easy but it's worth it. Never give up!
God's Peace
Isn't it great to post that story on here and not hear "are you out of your mind". Try telling those kind of stories to "normal" people and they try to distance themselves from you. I know....I've got 30 years of carrying around the guilt and shame of addiction.
You mentioned hitting bottom. Drop the flippin shovel, I'm telling you from experience there's nothing to find in that hole but misery and pain. Start climbing out, the people here will help and if your serious about recovery try the AA thing again. It took me 4 tries in the program but I've finally made it to the point that I love my meetings and my friends there.
You can do it. I can tell from your post you want it. Go get it!!
It's not easy but it's worth it. Never give up!
God's Peace
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Bedwetting... especially when it happened where someone could find out (on a friend's couch, once) was my clue that I was drinking alcoholically. But I kept trying to "learn to drink right".... even when I knew better. I already KNEW I was alcoholic.
It can get worse. Or better. My prayers are that you are ready to do the kinds of things that can get you sober and have a better life.
((Big Hugs))
It can get worse. Or better. My prayers are that you are ready to do the kinds of things that can get you sober and have a better life.
((Big Hugs))
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey and welcome omegaweapon85
Gosh I can relate to that. There were so many times when something bad would happen as a result of my drinking and I would spend the next day filled with remorse, knowing I had a problem and resolving to do something about it. Maybe not stop completely because I couldn't be that bad but certainly cut way down on my drinking. Then the evening would roll around and the resolve was gone and I was drinking and then I was drunk. Not even 24 hours had passed and I was drunk again.
It never got better, in fact it never even stopped getting worse, until I stopped drinking. I could not control it and drink like other people who didn't have a problem because my problem was that I couldn't control it. No matter how hard I tried.
We had to have something different and thought we had found it in drugs.
That was me. Sounds like it might be you too.
I found the solution to my problem in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. The complete package: the steps, the meetings, the service work, the readings, and the hundreds of people I met who had been where I was and were now where I needed to be. It's not the only way but it is a way that works... for a whole heap of people. Doing nothing about the problem doesn't work. It won't just go away.
No, you are not a lost cause and you are worth the effort to change. I hope you can find the willingness.
I KNOW I have a problem. The entire next day after that I thought to myself that I may actually stop drinking now. That this may be my rock bottom.
I am on my way home from work tonight and get the urge. I stop off and get a twelve pack and get busy.
I am on my way home from work tonight and get the urge. I stop off and get a twelve pack and get busy.
It never got better, in fact it never even stopped getting worse, until I stopped drinking. I could not control it and drink like other people who didn't have a problem because my problem was that I couldn't control it. No matter how hard I tried.
I know it sounds dramatic... but since i have started using, I have needed SOMETHING. Whether it be weed or meth or alcohol.... and though the drug changes the pattern remains the same.
That was me. Sounds like it might be you too.
I found the solution to my problem in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. The complete package: the steps, the meetings, the service work, the readings, and the hundreds of people I met who had been where I was and were now where I needed to be. It's not the only way but it is a way that works... for a whole heap of people. Doing nothing about the problem doesn't work. It won't just go away.
No, you are not a lost cause and you are worth the effort to change. I hope you can find the willingness.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
For me, the biggest piece of the puzzle in terms of getting on the road to recovery was the idea of *surrender.* In your posts, you mention that you know you have a problem but at the same time, you talk about you and your boyfriend discussing whether or not you can just cut back. You admit to being an addict as a young adult but you act as if you are still unclear whether or not you are an alcoholic. But you post here a very honest and difficult story that I think you know, in your heart, is an alcoholic's story. I say this with only hope and empathy for you - look deeply in your heart, admit you need help and then *surrender* to the help that is near you - that can be an Intensive Outpatient Program, NA, AA, a paster or counselor - whatever it is. My own expereince was that as long as I kept asking , "Do I need help?" I was able to avoid actually getting help. Please keep us posted. I am rooting for you as I'm sure many others here are too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages. I will consider them all very carefully and hold them in my heart while I climb out of the mess I have made for myself. You are all very kind people and I wish you all the best.
Thank you,
Joey
Thank you,
Joey
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