aaaagh! when did it come to this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 2
aaaagh! when did it come to this?
hiya everyone
im a 28 year old female from australia. ive battled with drug addiction for about 10 years.
a little about me:
i grew up as a jehovahs witness so naturally i rebelled as soon as i was old enough.
when i was 18 i left home and moved in with my bf. soon after i tried pot for the first time. this went on occasionally for a few years until i moved to sydney (the best place in australia to get into drugs.) i stuck to pot for a while until i made some friends in the gay community (no im not gay
) soon after that i was convinced to try some speed one night when we were out at a club. due to my upbringing i was initially reluctant but peer pressure gave way and i tried it.
2 weeks later i was on a bender from hell and basically it hasnt got a whole lot better from there.
after 9 months in sydney i moved back to my mums for extra support. she didnt know why i was there but i did. i stayed clean for a couple of months until i made the inevitable connections that you make when you are involved in this lifestyle. i call it a lifestyle because that is what it became to me and im sure others who are going through the same thing would agree. so once again i got back into pot (at least it wasnt chemicals like in sydney).
not long after that i moved out again to the gold coast and things got slightly worse. my days were spent smoking cones and wondering where next weeks rent was going to come from. after id lost a bunch of weight from not eating properly cause all money was spent on weed my mum came to the rescue again. as far as she was concerned though i had to move home again because i couldnt find work in the commercial throws of the city i was living in.
got clean again! for a while until i caught up with an old friend who was eager to see me back on the 'scene'. pot gave way to speed again and then pills and then cocaine.
me and my 'friend' decided to leave the gold coast and head for the ever inviting whitsunday islands. this place is beautiful but being that it is mainly a tourist mecca, there were drugs from all around the world not to mention the local suppliers that kept all the touring party goers happy. it was everywhere so before i knew it i was back on the gear and hitting it harder than ever before. my nights were spent high on anything i could get my hands on and my days were spent struggling through work while trying not to let on that i was either high as a kite or coming down from whatever i had had the night before.
one day i looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in months and was incredibly shocked at the sight i saw. i was pale, skinny, had black rings around my eyes and no longer recognised the person i was looking at. that day i got off the pills, cocaine etc and with the help of Narcotics Anonymous i managed to curb my habit...for a while!
once again mum came to the rescue and i finally told her about my problems. she came and picked me up and home i went...again!!! i continued with NA for a while and then became convinced that i didnt need such 'carry on' to kick my habit. as far as i was concerned i could do it myself. yeah right!!
anyhoo, i started a tertiary studies course which is where i met my husband. (sorry this is turning out to be a long thread) at the time my husband wasnt into pot (had given it up) but i flash in the pan boyfriend i had before that had got me back into it.
after a few weeks with my husband i contracted ross river fever and the pain that came along with this disease left me smoking more than i ever had. it was the only release i had from the pain. so there was my excuse. then after some time my husband started smoking again. we screwed ourselves financially so we decided to get off it. then we started again. then we got off it again and so on and so on.
in november of 2006 we got of it again. we were doing really well and by early march we had been clean for 4 months. then my step dad died. i struggled terribly with this as my step dad meant a lot to me. a few weeks later i turned to pot to see me through. luckily i didnt have the money for anything else otherwise i would have gone heavier to get through it. i know its no excuse but when you are an addict any excuse will do.
for 7 months we continued to smoke away the grief and depression until once again we decided we had to get off it...again!!!
everything went well (apart from the odd joint with my best mate) until 21st of janaury this year when my world fell apart. (things started to go haywire last december when i found out my mum had bowel cancer but i drank instead of doing any kind of drug.) anyways at 8.30am on the 21st of january when i got a phone call telling me that my biological father had 20 minutes earlier passed away from a massive heart attack. all at once my whole world was dying. the only thing that helped me through my step dads death was the fact that i still had my real dad. now he was gone too!! my dad was my shining beacon and i really thought he was invincible. even though logic tells me no one is invincible he was my dad and he wasnt supposed to die...to leave me!! my grief took me over and i was desperate to find answers or at least a way out. so my best friend who came with me convinced me one night when i was trying to organise the funeral and things were going bad to have a smoke and relax. thats what i always did. when things were bad i would get stoned and it would be much better. i felt like i was doing the only thing i could at that time. i somehow had to make sense of all the grieving that i was going through and funnily enough being stoned seemed to help me. even at the funeral i was smashed which really upset me in the end because my dad was ssoooo anti drug and here i was at his funeral giving the eulogy while being high as a kite. and all the time im talking about honoring and respecting my dad.
since then i have smoked myself silly but today i decided i didnt want to. but i only decided not to because my horses will start suffering soon if i keep spending my money on weed. but it feels like im not ready. its been a year on friday since my step dad died and since my real dad died i have been stoned so i havent even come close to dealing with it and now tonight with no weed, im feeling all the grief at once. i want to be clean but i dont know how to deal with it all sober. it has helped me hide away and appear like im dealing with it ok but really, im not. so essentially i dont want to be clean but i do...
how am i supposed to deal with the last 12 months? its all going to come rushing back to me now. how am i supposed to deal with getting clean, losing TWO dads and having a mum with bowel cancer??? i dont know how to deal with things sober and its really getting to me
sorry for the long intro. i talk a lot when im sober
im a 28 year old female from australia. ive battled with drug addiction for about 10 years.
a little about me:
i grew up as a jehovahs witness so naturally i rebelled as soon as i was old enough.
when i was 18 i left home and moved in with my bf. soon after i tried pot for the first time. this went on occasionally for a few years until i moved to sydney (the best place in australia to get into drugs.) i stuck to pot for a while until i made some friends in the gay community (no im not gay
) soon after that i was convinced to try some speed one night when we were out at a club. due to my upbringing i was initially reluctant but peer pressure gave way and i tried it.2 weeks later i was on a bender from hell and basically it hasnt got a whole lot better from there.
after 9 months in sydney i moved back to my mums for extra support. she didnt know why i was there but i did. i stayed clean for a couple of months until i made the inevitable connections that you make when you are involved in this lifestyle. i call it a lifestyle because that is what it became to me and im sure others who are going through the same thing would agree. so once again i got back into pot (at least it wasnt chemicals like in sydney).
not long after that i moved out again to the gold coast and things got slightly worse. my days were spent smoking cones and wondering where next weeks rent was going to come from. after id lost a bunch of weight from not eating properly cause all money was spent on weed my mum came to the rescue again. as far as she was concerned though i had to move home again because i couldnt find work in the commercial throws of the city i was living in.
got clean again! for a while until i caught up with an old friend who was eager to see me back on the 'scene'. pot gave way to speed again and then pills and then cocaine.
me and my 'friend' decided to leave the gold coast and head for the ever inviting whitsunday islands. this place is beautiful but being that it is mainly a tourist mecca, there were drugs from all around the world not to mention the local suppliers that kept all the touring party goers happy. it was everywhere so before i knew it i was back on the gear and hitting it harder than ever before. my nights were spent high on anything i could get my hands on and my days were spent struggling through work while trying not to let on that i was either high as a kite or coming down from whatever i had had the night before.
one day i looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in months and was incredibly shocked at the sight i saw. i was pale, skinny, had black rings around my eyes and no longer recognised the person i was looking at. that day i got off the pills, cocaine etc and with the help of Narcotics Anonymous i managed to curb my habit...for a while!
once again mum came to the rescue and i finally told her about my problems. she came and picked me up and home i went...again!!! i continued with NA for a while and then became convinced that i didnt need such 'carry on' to kick my habit. as far as i was concerned i could do it myself. yeah right!!
anyhoo, i started a tertiary studies course which is where i met my husband. (sorry this is turning out to be a long thread) at the time my husband wasnt into pot (had given it up) but i flash in the pan boyfriend i had before that had got me back into it.
after a few weeks with my husband i contracted ross river fever and the pain that came along with this disease left me smoking more than i ever had. it was the only release i had from the pain. so there was my excuse. then after some time my husband started smoking again. we screwed ourselves financially so we decided to get off it. then we started again. then we got off it again and so on and so on.
in november of 2006 we got of it again. we were doing really well and by early march we had been clean for 4 months. then my step dad died. i struggled terribly with this as my step dad meant a lot to me. a few weeks later i turned to pot to see me through. luckily i didnt have the money for anything else otherwise i would have gone heavier to get through it. i know its no excuse but when you are an addict any excuse will do.
for 7 months we continued to smoke away the grief and depression until once again we decided we had to get off it...again!!!
everything went well (apart from the odd joint with my best mate) until 21st of janaury this year when my world fell apart. (things started to go haywire last december when i found out my mum had bowel cancer but i drank instead of doing any kind of drug.) anyways at 8.30am on the 21st of january when i got a phone call telling me that my biological father had 20 minutes earlier passed away from a massive heart attack. all at once my whole world was dying. the only thing that helped me through my step dads death was the fact that i still had my real dad. now he was gone too!! my dad was my shining beacon and i really thought he was invincible. even though logic tells me no one is invincible he was my dad and he wasnt supposed to die...to leave me!! my grief took me over and i was desperate to find answers or at least a way out. so my best friend who came with me convinced me one night when i was trying to organise the funeral and things were going bad to have a smoke and relax. thats what i always did. when things were bad i would get stoned and it would be much better. i felt like i was doing the only thing i could at that time. i somehow had to make sense of all the grieving that i was going through and funnily enough being stoned seemed to help me. even at the funeral i was smashed which really upset me in the end because my dad was ssoooo anti drug and here i was at his funeral giving the eulogy while being high as a kite. and all the time im talking about honoring and respecting my dad.
since then i have smoked myself silly but today i decided i didnt want to. but i only decided not to because my horses will start suffering soon if i keep spending my money on weed. but it feels like im not ready. its been a year on friday since my step dad died and since my real dad died i have been stoned so i havent even come close to dealing with it and now tonight with no weed, im feeling all the grief at once. i want to be clean but i dont know how to deal with it all sober. it has helped me hide away and appear like im dealing with it ok but really, im not. so essentially i dont want to be clean but i do...
how am i supposed to deal with the last 12 months? its all going to come rushing back to me now. how am i supposed to deal with getting clean, losing TWO dads and having a mum with bowel cancer??? i dont know how to deal with things sober and its really getting to me
sorry for the long intro. i talk a lot when im sober
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi TSE,
It is good that you at least want to face things without getting high. It is very hard to do though. Have you ever thought about seeing a grief counselor? They help people work through traumatic events such as the loss of loved ones and can help you deal with the pain so you don't have to mask it behind drugs. Just a thought. Oh, and welcome to SR!
It is good that you at least want to face things without getting high. It is very hard to do though. Have you ever thought about seeing a grief counselor? They help people work through traumatic events such as the loss of loved ones and can help you deal with the pain so you don't have to mask it behind drugs. Just a thought. Oh, and welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Find yourself an NA meeting, get a sponsor, work the steps.
Stay clean & sober one day at a time.
Keep coming back here...reading when there isn't a meeting or the ability to talk with people in recovery.
Go to treatment if you're unable to stop on your own.
Stay clean & sober one day at a time.
Keep coming back here...reading when there isn't a meeting or the ability to talk with people in recovery.
Go to treatment if you're unable to stop on your own.
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