My Mother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
My Mother
Hello everyone,
I originally posted this in another area but this might be a better place for it.
I am new to this but I am looking for answers and guidance. I guess I should start off with my story. I am 30 years old and I have taken over the role of the parent with my mother. My parents are both big drinkers. I would not call my mother an alcoholic but I would say that my father is borderline. The reason I feel he drinks so much is because of my mother. Her addiction is cocaine. My mother has always been what I will call moody. Over that last couple of years she would call me to borrow money and give some excuse that she didn't want to ask my dad for money because he would be mad her that she did not pay the hydro bill or whatever. She would constantly call me to complain that my father was being mean to her and dragging me into her darkness. She thinks that my father is cheating on her. She was obsessed. She would make things. She is very convincing. I would than ask my father what happened and he would tell me the whole story including the fact that she punched him in the face. I know that my father is no angel but she wsa the problem not him. She has somehow managed to ruin relationships with all her friends and family and lost several jobs saying that they are out to get her. I thought for the longest time that she was schizophrenic. She would be happy for a short period and then be mean and evil. Last year she admitted to my brother that she had a problem with cocaine knowing that he would tell me. We all got together as a family to offer her help. It did not go well. She lashed out at me and said hurtful things. As time passed she became better. We went on a family trip to Vegas for my 30th birthday. The day we were going to leave she wakes me and my husband up at 3:30 in the morning saying that my father called security on her. She was crying hysterically and talking about killing herself because my father was going to leave her. i went to my father's room and got the full story She came back to the room and attacked my father. He had scratches all over his neck and arm. I haven't really talked to her since then. My dad called me two weeks ago to tell me that he has left my mother because he caught her doing coke in the car on her way to work. She had also pawned all her jewelry including her wedding ring. She has not tried to contact me. I have been getting updates from my dad on her progress. She was supposed to attend a CA meeting yesterday. I am worried that she is not strong enough to continue with drug treatment. I feel guilty that I have not been able to "help" her. I feel stupid for lending her money that she never paid back because it was going to drugs. I feel mad because every Christams, birthday, family dinner etc that she has ruined is because of the drugs. Something that she chose to do. She is not schitzophrenic she is a drug addict and has hid it from the family for years. I am unsure of what to do from here. Do I call her and offer support? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I originally posted this in another area but this might be a better place for it.
I am new to this but I am looking for answers and guidance. I guess I should start off with my story. I am 30 years old and I have taken over the role of the parent with my mother. My parents are both big drinkers. I would not call my mother an alcoholic but I would say that my father is borderline. The reason I feel he drinks so much is because of my mother. Her addiction is cocaine. My mother has always been what I will call moody. Over that last couple of years she would call me to borrow money and give some excuse that she didn't want to ask my dad for money because he would be mad her that she did not pay the hydro bill or whatever. She would constantly call me to complain that my father was being mean to her and dragging me into her darkness. She thinks that my father is cheating on her. She was obsessed. She would make things. She is very convincing. I would than ask my father what happened and he would tell me the whole story including the fact that she punched him in the face. I know that my father is no angel but she wsa the problem not him. She has somehow managed to ruin relationships with all her friends and family and lost several jobs saying that they are out to get her. I thought for the longest time that she was schizophrenic. She would be happy for a short period and then be mean and evil. Last year she admitted to my brother that she had a problem with cocaine knowing that he would tell me. We all got together as a family to offer her help. It did not go well. She lashed out at me and said hurtful things. As time passed she became better. We went on a family trip to Vegas for my 30th birthday. The day we were going to leave she wakes me and my husband up at 3:30 in the morning saying that my father called security on her. She was crying hysterically and talking about killing herself because my father was going to leave her. i went to my father's room and got the full story She came back to the room and attacked my father. He had scratches all over his neck and arm. I haven't really talked to her since then. My dad called me two weeks ago to tell me that he has left my mother because he caught her doing coke in the car on her way to work. She had also pawned all her jewelry including her wedding ring. She has not tried to contact me. I have been getting updates from my dad on her progress. She was supposed to attend a CA meeting yesterday. I am worried that she is not strong enough to continue with drug treatment. I feel guilty that I have not been able to "help" her. I feel stupid for lending her money that she never paid back because it was going to drugs. I feel mad because every Christams, birthday, family dinner etc that she has ruined is because of the drugs. Something that she chose to do. She is not schitzophrenic she is a drug addict and has hid it from the family for years. I am unsure of what to do from here. Do I call her and offer support? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Jenn))
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you are here.
There is so very much to learn. And there are no set answers for everyone. We each have a path and choices to make. I would suggest reading everything you can here, but I'm sure you've already started doing that. Find a alanon or naranon meeting in your area if you can.
As you may know, there is nothing that you can do for your mom. As much as you love her and want to help her, she is the only one who can help her, and that hurts. But, you can learn how to help yourself, and in the process of that, in a round about way, that will help her by removing her enablers.
I could just about write a book here, but instead, I'm going to just welcome you, and let you know, you aren't alone, you've come to a wonderful place full of caring people who all walk this path, we care.
Others will be along.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you are here.
There is so very much to learn. And there are no set answers for everyone. We each have a path and choices to make. I would suggest reading everything you can here, but I'm sure you've already started doing that. Find a alanon or naranon meeting in your area if you can.
As you may know, there is nothing that you can do for your mom. As much as you love her and want to help her, she is the only one who can help her, and that hurts. But, you can learn how to help yourself, and in the process of that, in a round about way, that will help her by removing her enablers.
I could just about write a book here, but instead, I'm going to just welcome you, and let you know, you aren't alone, you've come to a wonderful place full of caring people who all walk this path, we care.
Others will be along.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My mom has serious mental problems and she abuses drugs. I have no idea which came first. I understand that you must feel like you are in a really difficult position. I know that you want to help her. It is good that your dad got out of the situation. It is important that he stay safe. Did he file a police report? If she continues with the violent behavior, you may want to file police reports. At the least, you should keep a record of any kind of extreme or dangerous behavior. It will be useful if you ever have to have her committed against her will. We had to do this with my mom because she became a danger to herself and others. The most important thing is that you and your family are safe.
Secondly, you might want to read up on ways that you can set boundaries. I have read a lot of info on the subject on the Internet and in books. Codependent No More is a good place to start. You also might try reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. I recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. You might also try the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Have you tried counseling or meetings for yourself?
It sounds like she knows that she has a drug problem. You could suggest that she try counseling. I'm not really much help on this because my mom hasn't ever really gotten better. I've just had to set my boundaries and stick with them. One important thing to remember is that you can't control her behavior. Remember the 3 c's--can't control, can't cure, and you didn't cause. The only thing you can work on is yourself.
Secondly, you might want to read up on ways that you can set boundaries. I have read a lot of info on the subject on the Internet and in books. Codependent No More is a good place to start. You also might try reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. I recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. You might also try the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Have you tried counseling or meetings for yourself?
It sounds like she knows that she has a drug problem. You could suggest that she try counseling. I'm not really much help on this because my mom hasn't ever really gotten better. I've just had to set my boundaries and stick with them. One important thing to remember is that you can't control her behavior. Remember the 3 c's--can't control, can't cure, and you didn't cause. The only thing you can work on is yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
Welcome, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was about your age when I finally figured out what was going on with my Mother. It took her another 10 years to finish killing herself. It was like being invited to a train wreck every single day.
Two books that helped me..... "Trapped in the Mirror." The book is about narcissism, which may or may not be a part of your mother's problem. For my mother, everything was always all about her. From what I can tell that pretty much applies to any addict.
And "Toxic Parents." It's a tough idea, that your parents are not always trying for what's best for you. But it happens and this book helped me recognize the truth and begin to protect myself and my child.
Hugs and Prayers.
Two books that helped me..... "Trapped in the Mirror." The book is about narcissism, which may or may not be a part of your mother's problem. For my mother, everything was always all about her. From what I can tell that pretty much applies to any addict.
And "Toxic Parents." It's a tough idea, that your parents are not always trying for what's best for you. But it happens and this book helped me recognize the truth and begin to protect myself and my child.
Hugs and Prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
I am sorry you are going thru this. I take it your mother has not tried to get a hold of you? YOu really need to set boundries-it does not mean you love her less. Anger is part of the healing process. YOu have to let the anger go and what happened in the past happened in the past.
YOur father was very smart for leaving when he did. You should see if you can not find a group therapy program for the whole family.
You do what you think you need to do to help your mother. Is she in any type of program to get help? If she is not in a program there is nothing you can do for her until she wants the help.
YOur father was very smart for leaving when he did. You should see if you can not find a group therapy program for the whole family.
You do what you think you need to do to help your mother. Is she in any type of program to get help? If she is not in a program there is nothing you can do for her until she wants the help.
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