really_fed_up

It's been a few days because I thought the latest storm had blown over. It turns out Jane can't get into a treatment facility for six weeks. She was living in a residential hotel but found it intolerable, so now she's at a youth hostel. I helped her move to the hostel and then she asked me to pay for her first night at the youth hostel because she only "had five dollars", which I did, but now I feel weak and like I caved again. But I didn't want her to live with us again, so I didn't know what to do...all the time of course she was talking strongly about being "committed to recovery" and "determined to do it this time" and that she's "not drinking". But then my mom called me all upset today because apparently Jane was calling friends all over the country and leaving long, rambling hallucinatory messages (i.e. "the helicopter's about to land") last night, so it looks like she's drinking again or on drugs or something. I can't help her anymore. I feel like a fool for helping her yet again yesterday. She looks so thin, too; alarmingly so. I don't know what's going to happen to her. I feel so sad for my mom, too, because she was so upset. I urged her to look into Al Anon.

Kindeyes

Being in the midst of the chaos feels terrible, doesn't it? I don't think you are weak or that you caved in at all. Based upon what you said, you protected YOU. You didn't let her move back in with YOU. It's all baby steps. That's a good thing.

Don't beat yourself up, sweetie. One day at a time.....and one little baby step at a time.

gentle hugs

sojourner

don't beat yourself up about paying for one night in a youth hostel - we're moms, it's what we do.... I let my son live with me for a couple of extra weeks (even though he was breaking all the rules with drinking, staying out, etc) because it took that couple of weeks for his apartment to open up - it beat just throwing him out "right now!" just because..... which i had done before and found to be too hard on me


so she got a free night in the hostel - that little bit of "enabling" isn't going to make much difference in the whole scheme of things - it's when we moms give them a dozens of nights in our home and hundreds if not thousands of dollars that we really harm them..

hope that helps.

hope2bhappy

It's hard, if not impossible, for us to turn our backs on them completely -- especially when they are so sick that they're practically helpless. Paying for her stay at the hostle cost much less than the emotional price you would have paid to let her stay another night in your home. I'm really very sorry. This is a very sad situation. My prayer is that both of you will find peace.

Growing

I agree with KindEyes...babysteps...babysteps...your not starting over at square one...Your eyes are open and you are becoming more and more aware each day...if paying for the hostel makes you uncomfortable in retrospect....then you learned something...that in and of itself is valuable info...I learned just recently..that the idea of my toxic relatives visiting me makes me uncomfortable....so when they call to invite themeselves...I will politely tell them no....babysteps for me as well....this is after years of tolerating their visits...being super resentful...and wondering why I was in the mess I was in when they left....I could have just said no....LOL...I am still learning!!!!!