Can we talk about setting boundaries?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
Can we talk about setting boundaries?
On another post, hello-kitty wrote:
"Example of a boundary:
People will treat me with respect in my house or they will have to leave."
Setting boundaries is a foreign concept to me. I just can't get my head around it. Do you share them or keep them to yourself? How do you enforce them? Following the above example, if my A had just disrespected me, then he should have to leave. I imagine he would say that he had not disrespected me, so he should not have to leave. OR, I don't have to leave, because I live here. Then, what?
Even better: I would love to hear people give examples of actual boundaries they set, and how they reacted when the boundaries were broken.
I'm trying to learn.
"Example of a boundary:
People will treat me with respect in my house or they will have to leave."
Setting boundaries is a foreign concept to me. I just can't get my head around it. Do you share them or keep them to yourself? How do you enforce them? Following the above example, if my A had just disrespected me, then he should have to leave. I imagine he would say that he had not disrespected me, so he should not have to leave. OR, I don't have to leave, because I live here. Then, what?
Even better: I would love to hear people give examples of actual boundaries they set, and how they reacted when the boundaries were broken.
I'm trying to learn.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, the enforcing can certainly be the tricky part. Obviously, it might be hard to "make" someone leave. For me, a better boundary might be "I will not be around people who don't treat me with respect." That leaves it more to me to decide what I will do about it. I can leave. In other words, it's easier for me to enforce. The other one is harder to enforce because you have to be willing to do what it takes, even if that means calling the police or whatever.
Your willingness to do what it takes to enforce the boundary is what makes it effective. If you aren't willing to follow through, it's not a boundary, it's just an empty threat.
As far as sharing or keeping to yourself, I would say it depends on the boundary. Will sharing make it easier for you to follow through if it is broken? Or does it matter? It's all about what you will or will not tolerate and how you plan to handle it. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
L
P.S. I hope you all don't mind me "crossing over." I've been posting mostly on F&F of alcoholics, but I do lurk over here quite a bit. We have lots in common.
Your willingness to do what it takes to enforce the boundary is what makes it effective. If you aren't willing to follow through, it's not a boundary, it's just an empty threat.
As far as sharing or keeping to yourself, I would say it depends on the boundary. Will sharing make it easier for you to follow through if it is broken? Or does it matter? It's all about what you will or will not tolerate and how you plan to handle it. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
L
P.S. I hope you all don't mind me "crossing over." I've been posting mostly on F&F of alcoholics, but I do lurk over here quite a bit. We have lots in common.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Well, the enforcing can certainly be the tricky part. Obviously, it might be hard to "make" someone leave. For me, a better boundary might be "I will not be around people who don't treat me with respect." That leaves it more to me to decide what I will do about it. I can leave. In other words, it's easier for me to enforce. The other one is harder to enforce because you have to be willing to do what it takes, even if that means calling the police or whatever.
Your willingness to do what it takes to enforce the boundary is what makes it effective. If you aren't willing to follow through, it's not a boundary, it's just an empty threat.
As far as sharing or keeping to yourself, I would say it depends on the boundary. Will sharing make it easier for you to follow through if it is broken? Or does it matter? It's all about what you will or will not tolerate and how you plan to handle it. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
L
P.S. I hope you all don't mind me "crossing over." I've been posting mostly on F&F of alcoholics, but I do lurk over here quite a bit. We have lots in common.
Your willingness to do what it takes to enforce the boundary is what makes it effective. If you aren't willing to follow through, it's not a boundary, it's just an empty threat.
As far as sharing or keeping to yourself, I would say it depends on the boundary. Will sharing make it easier for you to follow through if it is broken? Or does it matter? It's all about what you will or will not tolerate and how you plan to handle it. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
L
P.S. I hope you all don't mind me "crossing over." I've been posting mostly on F&F of alcoholics, but I do lurk over here quite a bit. We have lots in common.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
May I suggest the best book I ever read? This is one that changed my thinking for ever.
Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say NO, to take control of your life!
ISBN: 10 0310247454
You have a nice home, you have a nice fence (boundary) around your home. The fence says, THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. This property is what keeps me safe and nurtures me throughout my life.
A troublesome neighbor is always dumping garbage over the fence and into your yard. What do you do?
Throw the trash back into his yard, warn him that you will not tolerate his actions again. When he does it again, you take appropriate action. Not taking the appropriate action will result in your yard full of rotting garbage and destroying your once beautiful home, because he has suffered no consequences.
It's the same way with boundaries. I say, "This is as far as I am willing to go and NO FARTHER".
Boundaries that are trespassed must have a consequence attached.
If you throw trash onto my property, I will most definately take action!
This does not mean being hateful or antisocial. It just means doing what ever you need to do to keep your property (which is your own self) safe, sane and in good working order.
Living with an addict can drain every ounce of life and finances out of you.
Do I continue to allow this? Or, do I set a boundary that says, Do not ask for money. I don't have it go give you because I need it for myself. Do not come into my home under the influence or you will have to leave.
I hope this helps.
Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say NO, to take control of your life!
ISBN: 10 0310247454
You have a nice home, you have a nice fence (boundary) around your home. The fence says, THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. This property is what keeps me safe and nurtures me throughout my life.
A troublesome neighbor is always dumping garbage over the fence and into your yard. What do you do?
Throw the trash back into his yard, warn him that you will not tolerate his actions again. When he does it again, you take appropriate action. Not taking the appropriate action will result in your yard full of rotting garbage and destroying your once beautiful home, because he has suffered no consequences.
It's the same way with boundaries. I say, "This is as far as I am willing to go and NO FARTHER".
Boundaries that are trespassed must have a consequence attached.
If you throw trash onto my property, I will most definately take action!
This does not mean being hateful or antisocial. It just means doing what ever you need to do to keep your property (which is your own self) safe, sane and in good working order.
Living with an addict can drain every ounce of life and finances out of you.
Do I continue to allow this? Or, do I set a boundary that says, Do not ask for money. I don't have it go give you because I need it for myself. Do not come into my home under the influence or you will have to leave.
I hope this helps.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Boundaries are about YOU and what is or isn't acceptable to YOU.
A boundary is not used to try and force, manipulate or control someone elses behavior.
Prior to recovery, I would do something, which could have been standing my ground on some issue, or making a decision about something, but it was in hopes that AD would react the way I wanted her to AFTER my decision. That is not the way boundaries work.
Today I decide what is or isn't acceptable behavior coming from my AD (who is in recovery) or from anyone, for that matter. If AD were to start in arguing with me, I set my boundary and say, "I'm sorry, this conversation is over. It's going no where." Bam....boundary set, argument ceases. Now does it make my AD see whatever it was MY way? Nope. But it does bring peace and serenity back into my life when I set the boundary ... that being I will not argue.
Another example: You are not going to live in my house if you are drinking or doing drugs. That is because I do not want to be around someone who is high, endangering my life, risking police showing up at my front door, , etc., which all steals my peace.
Setting boundaries was a hard thing for me to put into action. But once I learned how (by attending face to face meetings and reading here a lot), it became very freeing! Ever since I set the first one, the 2nd one came easier, and the third one even easier and so on.
Famous words of a precious doctor that worked in the out-patient rehab my daughter attended when he was trying to teach me about boundaries. He said, "Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger." Smart, smart man and advice.
Hope this helps.
A boundary is not used to try and force, manipulate or control someone elses behavior.
Prior to recovery, I would do something, which could have been standing my ground on some issue, or making a decision about something, but it was in hopes that AD would react the way I wanted her to AFTER my decision. That is not the way boundaries work.
Today I decide what is or isn't acceptable behavior coming from my AD (who is in recovery) or from anyone, for that matter. If AD were to start in arguing with me, I set my boundary and say, "I'm sorry, this conversation is over. It's going no where." Bam....boundary set, argument ceases. Now does it make my AD see whatever it was MY way? Nope. But it does bring peace and serenity back into my life when I set the boundary ... that being I will not argue.
Another example: You are not going to live in my house if you are drinking or doing drugs. That is because I do not want to be around someone who is high, endangering my life, risking police showing up at my front door, , etc., which all steals my peace.
Setting boundaries was a hard thing for me to put into action. But once I learned how (by attending face to face meetings and reading here a lot), it became very freeing! Ever since I set the first one, the 2nd one came easier, and the third one even easier and so on.
Famous words of a precious doctor that worked in the out-patient rehab my daughter attended when he was trying to teach me about boundaries. He said, "Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger." Smart, smart man and advice.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Isolation
Posts: 2
I had to move myself, 2 kids and 2 dogs into my Mom's patio (small) 2bdrm home for 20 days. I wasn't going to be woken up at 3 am by a lunatic again. I've found the thing my XAH hates the most is no access to me. Figure out where you just don't want to give anymore, then figure out how far you're willing to go to make that happen. It's not you. It's them. They eat away at us a little piece at a time, and the boundaries fall. I found time away from the situation, no matter how uncomfortable, helped me see more clearly how far my standards had fallen. When I was constantly dodging bullets, it was harder to erect a barricade.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
By all means! Share your boundaries. How will someone know that they are violating them, if you don't tell them what kind of behavior you expect from them? It's healthy to have boundaries.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly unfair to me.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly unfair to me.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My boundary is for "me". For my peace of mind.
Son wants to us my car and drink... I say no because "I" don't want to be sitting up all night wondering if he crashed the car. I need my sleep. He will drink if that is his choice but he will not be allowed to use my things and cause me added worry when he does so. I place him in God's hands but I won't place him in my car if he wants to drink.
Son wants to us my car and drink... I say no because "I" don't want to be sitting up all night wondering if he crashed the car. I need my sleep. He will drink if that is his choice but he will not be allowed to use my things and cause me added worry when he does so. I place him in God's hands but I won't place him in my car if he wants to drink.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by Hangin' In
"Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger." Smart, smart man and advice.
Letting them continue to use us, and abuse us only teaches them to keep doing it because we will lie down and let them.
Boundaries stop all that nonsense.
Consequences prove we mean what we say.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
One of mine is that I will not speak to my father, obviously on the telephone (he lives in Mexico and I live in Alaska) if he is drunk. This means that either he has to call when my husband is home or he has to let me screen the call.
I am an addict/alcoholic but I am also an adult child of a very active alcoholic.
I am an addict/alcoholic but I am also an adult child of a very active alcoholic.
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