I feel like I am bi-polar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 9
I feel like I am bi-polar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since my last post.........I pretty much have been trying to keep to myself at home.
Sleep upstairs and watch TV or read.
He has his Crack so he doesnt even think of me until he wants my car keys or ask if I have cash.
Then its back down to the bedroom where he locks himself in.
And I am not allowed to come in - and god forbid if I need something like a blanket or want to let our dog out to go potty.
He yells and calls me names - horrible names - because I am bothering him.
so I just leave him alone.
He wakes me up 3 times a night or more going to and from his deal or **** or whoever he see's.......
(sorry - I am in the made phase today).
He has spent a thousand dollars in 3 days.........3 freaking days.
his last check for a little over a thousand is coming by Tuesday........that too will be gone. And then no more money on his part comming in.
If I leave this next week...............he will most likely be closer to rock bottom.
No car, no paycheck, no job, rent due on the first...........and no more enabler, codependant girlfriend.
one minute I am pissed OFF!!
then I cry and feel sorry for myself
then strong and ready to more forward in my life....
then betrayed and cheated on - but still not sure if he has.......
I am like a pinball!!
Sleep upstairs and watch TV or read.
He has his Crack so he doesnt even think of me until he wants my car keys or ask if I have cash.
Then its back down to the bedroom where he locks himself in.
And I am not allowed to come in - and god forbid if I need something like a blanket or want to let our dog out to go potty.
He yells and calls me names - horrible names - because I am bothering him.
so I just leave him alone.
He wakes me up 3 times a night or more going to and from his deal or **** or whoever he see's.......
(sorry - I am in the made phase today).
He has spent a thousand dollars in 3 days.........3 freaking days.
his last check for a little over a thousand is coming by Tuesday........that too will be gone. And then no more money on his part comming in.
If I leave this next week...............he will most likely be closer to rock bottom.
No car, no paycheck, no job, rent due on the first...........and no more enabler, codependant girlfriend.
one minute I am pissed OFF!!
then I cry and feel sorry for myself
then strong and ready to more forward in my life....
then betrayed and cheated on - but still not sure if he has.......
I am like a pinball!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Sweetheart it is HIS rock bottom , I don't know much other than this post but I will tell you my ex was a crack head who hurt me badly when I cut him off, I am going to keep you in my prayers and the only advice I can give you is this....the longest you wait the harder it is and the angrier it makes them!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm and Da Gurlz
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm and Da Gurlz
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Why are you staying?! Do you think that is all you are worth?! You are a person. A human being. You deserve love and respect and you will never get it from a crack addict. You need to love yourself enough to get out of there.
Have you hit your rock bottom yet? I hate to disappoint you, but he doesn't sound like he is anywhere near his. He is not humanly capable of stopping right now and doesn't even want to. It is the furthest thing from his mind. No matter how bad you are hurting from his behavior, it is not going to get him to stop using. All he cares about is getting and smoking more dope. In recovery, we have this saying, you cannot protect your ass if you are trying to save your face. Please think about that. You need to save yourself. Stop thinking about how it should be or how it used to be. Think about how it is and get the heck out of there.
Please don't think there is ever anyway on this earth that you can complete with the love a crack addict has for his crack cocaine. It is a sickness. I hope for your sake that you can pull yourself together and find somewhere else to live. Please don't wait for him to get better or to change the way he is treating you. Because it won't happen.
I'm sorry you are going through this. But only you can stop it. :ghug2
Have you hit your rock bottom yet? I hate to disappoint you, but he doesn't sound like he is anywhere near his. He is not humanly capable of stopping right now and doesn't even want to. It is the furthest thing from his mind. No matter how bad you are hurting from his behavior, it is not going to get him to stop using. All he cares about is getting and smoking more dope. In recovery, we have this saying, you cannot protect your ass if you are trying to save your face. Please think about that. You need to save yourself. Stop thinking about how it should be or how it used to be. Think about how it is and get the heck out of there.
Please don't think there is ever anyway on this earth that you can complete with the love a crack addict has for his crack cocaine. It is a sickness. I hope for your sake that you can pull yourself together and find somewhere else to live. Please don't wait for him to get better or to change the way he is treating you. Because it won't happen.
I'm sorry you are going through this. But only you can stop it. :ghug2
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((My)))
I know the feeling. I was married to my gambling addict, mentally and verbally abusing husband for 24 years.
I only wish I had left years and years earlier....
Is there some reason you're waiting for next week? What's keeping you from packing your things now? He's verbally, mentally and economically abusing you, just as mine did me. Will you wait 24 years, hoping it will get better too?
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Shalom!
I know the feeling. I was married to my gambling addict, mentally and verbally abusing husband for 24 years.
I only wish I had left years and years earlier....
Is there some reason you're waiting for next week? What's keeping you from packing your things now? He's verbally, mentally and economically abusing you, just as mine did me. Will you wait 24 years, hoping it will get better too?
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I am diagnosed Bipolar(among other things) and trust me when I say it does make the world a lot more crazy. If you seriously think you might be then you might want to consider going and getting an assestment done with a mental health profesional. Either way it never hurts to talk to someone about all this to help make things clear in your own head. Just an idea.
Nikki
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
I waited 18 months for my XABF to get his act together and reclaim the love we once shared. During that time there were brief periods of love and happiness that I will hold in my heart forever.
BUT 95% of that time was pure hell for me and my children. I supported us. He barely worked and when he did his money went to heroin and crack. He stole my money. He sold our valuables. His moods were like a never ending roller coaster. Our life was a mess. Always a promise from him to help with the rent, the food, the bills .... empty promises and shattered dreams kept me with him longer than I should have allowed.
When I kicked him out the first of January he could have sought recovery but he now sits in jail looking at 20 years for burglary. I believe that just about any detox in our city would have been better than jail. I'm sure he went through hell, but I refuse to communicate with him. These were choices he made.
I'm too vulnerable to him. I had to quit him "cold turkey."
I'm still trying to find me. I'm lonely. I miss hugs and kisses. I still can't sleep at night. I'm dirt poor. I cry everyday. BUT I AM HEALING!!! My worst days are still better than the days of living with the tazmanian drug devils who took over my sould mate and best friend.
If I could do it over again, I would have sent him packing and started this healing journey 2 years ago. Everyone has their own time, their own "bottom." I had to get to the point where the pain of living with him was WAY worse than the pain of life without him. I deserve a better life and I'm going to find it.
Good luck ... take care of yourself... only you can know what you should do and when.
BUT 95% of that time was pure hell for me and my children. I supported us. He barely worked and when he did his money went to heroin and crack. He stole my money. He sold our valuables. His moods were like a never ending roller coaster. Our life was a mess. Always a promise from him to help with the rent, the food, the bills .... empty promises and shattered dreams kept me with him longer than I should have allowed.
When I kicked him out the first of January he could have sought recovery but he now sits in jail looking at 20 years for burglary. I believe that just about any detox in our city would have been better than jail. I'm sure he went through hell, but I refuse to communicate with him. These were choices he made.
I'm too vulnerable to him. I had to quit him "cold turkey."
I'm still trying to find me. I'm lonely. I miss hugs and kisses. I still can't sleep at night. I'm dirt poor. I cry everyday. BUT I AM HEALING!!! My worst days are still better than the days of living with the tazmanian drug devils who took over my sould mate and best friend.
If I could do it over again, I would have sent him packing and started this healing journey 2 years ago. Everyone has their own time, their own "bottom." I had to get to the point where the pain of living with him was WAY worse than the pain of life without him. I deserve a better life and I'm going to find it.
Good luck ... take care of yourself... only you can know what you should do and when.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
I woke up thinking about this thread and wanted to also say that while I am often sad and mourning the loss of a once amazing relationship. There are so many things that have improved without an active addict in my house.
I wanted to add that the past two months without him are much better. My children (ages 5 and 7) and I have become remarkably closer. At parent teacher conference I learned how the children were improving in school. Turmoil at home had been causing them to be distressed and distracted. I spent so much time spinning in circles with my XABF that I neglected the emotional needs of my children. The children do not want XABF back in our lives.
When I come home I still look to see if any windows have been broken into and then I scan the house and yard for missing items ... but yea!!!! Those problems are gone and everything is as it should be. There is no more missing money and I can have money in my wallet or my car ash tray and it will be there when I need it. There is fuel in my truck when I need to drive it. The kid's money doesn't disappear anymore.
I no longer find syringes and crack pipes everywhere.
There are no more ruts in the yard from XABF tearing out in his truck and the neighbors don't have to listen to screaming and profanities from him as he tells me how horrible I am for denying him money.
Without XABF around, neighbors are nicer and are talking to me and trying to help out.
XABF would bring home so much junk we had inspector notices on our house to get the yard cleaned up. Thank God they never came in the house. Now it's cleaned up and out and I am comfortable in my home. I am so much more productive and am actually accomplishing things that have been on my to do list for over a year.
It's been really hard, but the most difficult part was making the decision to say "it's over." Now I just work hard so I don't get weak and reconnect with XABF. Not even the smallest communication. I just can't because despite the hell we went through, I'm still in love with the sober man I spent 4 amazing years with. I keep reminding myself that man is gone. Killed by drugs and the reality is that if I met XABF as he is today, there is no way I would consider being with him.
The rest of his life is up to him ... as for me, I'm going to live my life.
I wanted to add that the past two months without him are much better. My children (ages 5 and 7) and I have become remarkably closer. At parent teacher conference I learned how the children were improving in school. Turmoil at home had been causing them to be distressed and distracted. I spent so much time spinning in circles with my XABF that I neglected the emotional needs of my children. The children do not want XABF back in our lives.
When I come home I still look to see if any windows have been broken into and then I scan the house and yard for missing items ... but yea!!!! Those problems are gone and everything is as it should be. There is no more missing money and I can have money in my wallet or my car ash tray and it will be there when I need it. There is fuel in my truck when I need to drive it. The kid's money doesn't disappear anymore.
I no longer find syringes and crack pipes everywhere.
There are no more ruts in the yard from XABF tearing out in his truck and the neighbors don't have to listen to screaming and profanities from him as he tells me how horrible I am for denying him money.
Without XABF around, neighbors are nicer and are talking to me and trying to help out.
XABF would bring home so much junk we had inspector notices on our house to get the yard cleaned up. Thank God they never came in the house. Now it's cleaned up and out and I am comfortable in my home. I am so much more productive and am actually accomplishing things that have been on my to do list for over a year.
It's been really hard, but the most difficult part was making the decision to say "it's over." Now I just work hard so I don't get weak and reconnect with XABF. Not even the smallest communication. I just can't because despite the hell we went through, I'm still in love with the sober man I spent 4 amazing years with. I keep reminding myself that man is gone. Killed by drugs and the reality is that if I met XABF as he is today, there is no way I would consider being with him.
The rest of his life is up to him ... as for me, I'm going to live my life.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, it is probable that you are not bi-polar but are showing the mental and emotional symptoms of abuse, because living like you are living would bring anyone down fast.
Please know you can leave anytime. You can call a women's shelter and they will not only take you in, but help you get back on your feet and help you find affordable housing and maybe even a job. They can help, whether you choose to go there or not, so maybe just give them a call and know you have options.
Addiction is a progressive disease, it isn't likely to get better any time soon. Please get yourself someplace away from all this and then make your long term decisions from a healthier perspective.
Hugs
Please know you can leave anytime. You can call a women's shelter and they will not only take you in, but help you get back on your feet and help you find affordable housing and maybe even a job. They can help, whether you choose to go there or not, so maybe just give them a call and know you have options.
Addiction is a progressive disease, it isn't likely to get better any time soon. Please get yourself someplace away from all this and then make your long term decisions from a healthier perspective.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I've made that same statement...
What I learned is that much in the same way an addict bounces around ("I'm done, I need more" "This is the LAST time" etc) we are addicted to the addict, so the swings make sense.
Try one day at a time, a proven method of separating yourself from whats causing these emotional reactions. The sooner you begin, the sooner you begin a journey toward happiness.
(((Hugs)))
What I learned is that much in the same way an addict bounces around ("I'm done, I need more" "This is the LAST time" etc) we are addicted to the addict, so the swings make sense.
Try one day at a time, a proven method of separating yourself from whats causing these emotional reactions. The sooner you begin, the sooner you begin a journey toward happiness.
(((Hugs)))
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