Oh boy, I am in trouble!
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Oh boy, I am in trouble!
Hi friends.....
Long time no see.... I came here today because I am feeling icky at this moment and I need some support.
Here is the deal...
First off, AH has been clean for almost 3 years now, he is doing great. This problem is with ME. DH took a 100,000 buyout from his job, his last day is March 17th. He has plans of what he is going to do afterward which include restart his lawn service and do some realestate investing with a friend. That's fine, I am glad he has a plan, we talked alot about it and decided with the automotive industry being so shaky that this was a good decesion.
Since he has quit using he has been at work everyday, in other words I KNOW WHERE HE HAS BEEN ALL DAY....I was hoping that the old feelings of where is he, what is he doing wouldn't come rushing back when he stopped working, but here we are, he took the first day off of work he has taken in 2 years to get some stuff done for the other businesses today, I haven't heard from him in 2 hours and I am already panicking. This is going to be alot harder for me than I thought. I know I have been given reason to not trust him, but I thought I got alot of that back...Horrible thoughts are racing through my head. I feel really out of control right now, and that is the problem, he is not in a controlled environment, he is free...ugh.
I did voice this concern before he took the buyout, stating that he has to keep in contact with me throughout the day for my own piece of mind, which is silly, but it's what I need....He said he will do his best but there will be times he can't get right back to me, but he will as soon as he can and please don't call him like a crazy person a million times over and over again in case he is with a customer or what not, he asked for just a little bit of trust in him which I agreed to give.
Not doing too good so far am I?
Any advice? I have a long road ahead of me!!!!!
Missed everyone!
Frog
Long time no see.... I came here today because I am feeling icky at this moment and I need some support.
Here is the deal...
First off, AH has been clean for almost 3 years now, he is doing great. This problem is with ME. DH took a 100,000 buyout from his job, his last day is March 17th. He has plans of what he is going to do afterward which include restart his lawn service and do some realestate investing with a friend. That's fine, I am glad he has a plan, we talked alot about it and decided with the automotive industry being so shaky that this was a good decesion.
Since he has quit using he has been at work everyday, in other words I KNOW WHERE HE HAS BEEN ALL DAY....I was hoping that the old feelings of where is he, what is he doing wouldn't come rushing back when he stopped working, but here we are, he took the first day off of work he has taken in 2 years to get some stuff done for the other businesses today, I haven't heard from him in 2 hours and I am already panicking. This is going to be alot harder for me than I thought. I know I have been given reason to not trust him, but I thought I got alot of that back...Horrible thoughts are racing through my head. I feel really out of control right now, and that is the problem, he is not in a controlled environment, he is free...ugh.
I did voice this concern before he took the buyout, stating that he has to keep in contact with me throughout the day for my own piece of mind, which is silly, but it's what I need....He said he will do his best but there will be times he can't get right back to me, but he will as soon as he can and please don't call him like a crazy person a million times over and over again in case he is with a customer or what not, he asked for just a little bit of trust in him which I agreed to give.
Not doing too good so far am I?
Any advice? I have a long road ahead of me!!!!!
Missed everyone!
Frog
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Remember no matter what is happening right now, you cant control it, talking with him wouldnt change it and worrying reduces you happiness. Try to focus on you and soon enough you will know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Try doing something constructive when panic creep in. If you're at work and sitting at a desk, clean out your email, clean up your desk, etc. If you're at home turn on the TV or radio and get busy doing something, anything that drowns out the voice inside your head.
Because of my AD, I finally edited over 300 photos that I had been ignoring. Now that I don't worry anywhere near what I use to, I have to motivate myself with a kick in the butt LOL!
Because of my AD, I finally edited over 300 photos that I had been ignoring. Now that I don't worry anywhere near what I use to, I have to motivate myself with a kick in the butt LOL!
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Well, turns out he was taking a nap, I think I woke him up the 1,000th time I called. Anyway, just a reminder for me that I have alot of work to do, and AH is going to have to be verrrrrrry understanding of me for awhile until he proves everything will be okay, but I have to give him room to do that.
Thanks for the quick replies....
I am sure I will be back soon
Frog
Thanks for the quick replies....
I am sure I will be back soon
Frog
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hey Frog, it's good to see you. I understand your anxiety but maybe look at it this way...he's been clean 3 years and you can bet your codie manual that if he was going to use, the job would never have stopped him, yes?
He will use or not use, period. It's not going to depend on a structured job, a 1000 phone calls, or anything but his own determination and recovery.
Sound to me like life is good in Frogland. Just enjoy the day, one at a time.
Hugs
He will use or not use, period. It's not going to depend on a structured job, a 1000 phone calls, or anything but his own determination and recovery.
Sound to me like life is good in Frogland. Just enjoy the day, one at a time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Frog,
I hear ya girl. I've been through some of the same stuff. RAH has about 2 1/2 years now and when the see-saw gets akilter (ie anything in our routine changes) I get wobbly. By that I mean, I have a part of me that must keep a constant vigil...it's the part that remembers how bad things were and wants to make sure (ha) that that will never happen again. I realize that that is really fear based living and the 4th step is my salvation. I am fear based (something that my 4th step helped me to confront). When I have fears I have to look and see what parts of myself are "failing me" (my self-confidence, self-esteem, etc). Once I've identified the actions that I need to take for my part of the equation, I then turn the rest over to God and say the fear prayer.
Also, when I get that edgy/vigilent mode going I know that that is a sign to up my meetings. Not only for me but to be of service to a suffering anon. That gets me out of myself faster than anything.
Hang in there - I definitely know what you are talking about. When the focus turns to him and what he is doing I know that I need to doubly refocus on me and what I'm doing.
Just my experience - Donna
I hear ya girl. I've been through some of the same stuff. RAH has about 2 1/2 years now and when the see-saw gets akilter (ie anything in our routine changes) I get wobbly. By that I mean, I have a part of me that must keep a constant vigil...it's the part that remembers how bad things were and wants to make sure (ha) that that will never happen again. I realize that that is really fear based living and the 4th step is my salvation. I am fear based (something that my 4th step helped me to confront). When I have fears I have to look and see what parts of myself are "failing me" (my self-confidence, self-esteem, etc). Once I've identified the actions that I need to take for my part of the equation, I then turn the rest over to God and say the fear prayer.
Also, when I get that edgy/vigilent mode going I know that that is a sign to up my meetings. Not only for me but to be of service to a suffering anon. That gets me out of myself faster than anything.
Hang in there - I definitely know what you are talking about. When the focus turns to him and what he is doing I know that I need to doubly refocus on me and what I'm doing.
Just my experience - Donna
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
Welcome back!
I totally understand you.... RAH has been clean for 2 1/2 year and when my boss sent me to travel last month for a week, I though 'i would die. Everything turned out fine, but the codie in me was inventing bad scenario's...
Of course, I know that if he wanted to use, he would have done it anyway. It's just quite hard to let go.
Happy to see you are doing good! take care! Many hugs!
I totally understand you.... RAH has been clean for 2 1/2 year and when my boss sent me to travel last month for a week, I though 'i would die. Everything turned out fine, but the codie in me was inventing bad scenario's...
Of course, I know that if he wanted to use, he would have done it anyway. It's just quite hard to let go.
Happy to see you are doing good! take care! Many hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Wow, what a relief to hear that you just don't "get over this". My AH says I keep living in the past and I have to move forward. I would LOVE to but that little niggling feeling creeps in. I was right this time so guess what, I'm back on high alert. I hope that if he reaches 3 years of sobriety, I can be grateful instead of always waiting for the other shoe to fall. It worries me deeply. I thought something was wrong with ME! Ha, ha.
:codiepolice
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
reading this post makes me second guess trying to work things out with my rah. he has been sober for a few months and we are dating, I was hopning the feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop would go away one day....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I understand how you are feeling. My AH has been sober only about 3 months. Every step that he takes off on his own time (even to go see the counselor) makes me nervous. I am trying to trust him to do what he needs to do, and to focus on taking care of myself. I agree that it is a good idea for us to always be prepared in case of emergency. I have been trying to remind myself to turn the focus to myself when I start obsessing. I have noticed that I will stop dealing with my own issues to obsesses about his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
My AH admitted to me last night that he is not "as well" as he thought he was (Whoa!). He has a narcissistic personality to begin with and lacks absolutely no ego so this was a heart-stopping admission for me. What I have to keep in mind, because I don't want to celebrate this yet, the one thing SR has taught me over and over again, addicts/alcoholics are manipulaters and master cons. He knows what I want to hear. He knows what is going to get a foot back in the door.
I pray alot. I pray that God fill the void his disease has left in me. I pray that my brain gets into wise mind and does not get rooted in emotional mind. I pray that God fills my AH with enough love and courage to kick addiction's A$$ not for me and our baby, but for him. He's lost everything to addiction more times than I care to admit but he's always pulled himself out.
We are always afraid, and we always obessess because like it or not, we are just as sick as they are. I say it's because we love them so much, even when they cannot love themselves, but it's an obession (I can't spell this morning). Counseling helps. Al-Anon helps.
Last weekend, I finally got out of the house and moved. Literally. I wanted to stay home and fret and wonder what he was doing or who he was doing it with. I wanted to worry about if he had clean clothes or food. I wanted to worry about whether or not he had cigerettes. I finally got up, loaded up the baby and got busy doing something for us. It was liberating!!!
I pray alot. I pray that God fill the void his disease has left in me. I pray that my brain gets into wise mind and does not get rooted in emotional mind. I pray that God fills my AH with enough love and courage to kick addiction's A$$ not for me and our baby, but for him. He's lost everything to addiction more times than I care to admit but he's always pulled himself out.
We are always afraid, and we always obessess because like it or not, we are just as sick as they are. I say it's because we love them so much, even when they cannot love themselves, but it's an obession (I can't spell this morning). Counseling helps. Al-Anon helps.
Last weekend, I finally got out of the house and moved. Literally. I wanted to stay home and fret and wonder what he was doing or who he was doing it with. I wanted to worry about if he had clean clothes or food. I wanted to worry about whether or not he had cigerettes. I finally got up, loaded up the baby and got busy doing something for us. It was liberating!!!
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