2stop

How long sober till some of ya all found relief from the agitation and mental exhaustion? Like until you really accepted that yes, this is what I have to do to stay/get sober and puting your wholeself into recovery? I am still about to crawl right outta my skin and my mind is like frozen, it doesn't know what the hell is going on! It seems like I get more tired and more scared the longer I am sober, and I don't like it one bit, it's almost like if this is what being sober is about I don't know how long I can stand it. I'm sure it's just my disease talking but it's coming in loud and clear!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Hadenuff

Hey Tammie,
It does get better as time passes. That's why they say don't give up before the miracle happens. I used to think getting sober was hard. Today I see that living life as an active alcoholic and addict is what was hard. I know in my heart a drink or drug will not make anything any better but it will make my life a whole lot worse. It took a while for me to really believe this.
The good times don't last forever and neither do the bad. As I keep getting another day I am learning that no matter how bad things seem as long as I don't pick up I have a chance. Some days I feel great, other days I feel so low but today I know they are just feelings, good or bad I just have to experience them.
Take care and hang in.
H

2stop

Thanks for the reply H, I am really trying but don't feel like I am getting anywhere but in a worse state of fear, though granted I should have been more scared while using!


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many2count

2Stop,
My prayers are with you tonight. I know what its like to have an addiction and have to face it head on. Fear, agitation the whole nine yards. The things that got me through my rough times were remembering the things that I did to hurt the ones that I loved the most. I know that sounds stupid right now. But I did so many horrible things that I wanted to change. My first bout with addication came when I was 15 years old, smoking pot. Then a year later it was cocaine. After stealing from my mother and hitting her because she was taking my money and yelling at me when I was on my highs she sent me to a treatment facility for 90 days. I have been clean from cocaine for 16 years by the grace of God. My second addiction came about 6 years ago when my Dr. prescribed me Xanax for panic attacks. I was taking 3 mg. 3 times a day. I did this for 2 years everyday. I became pregnant and they told me they wouldn't prescribe it for me anymore. My gut wrenched with pain and I couldn't leave my house for three weeks. I would have cold sweats and dry heaves. Finally it stopped. I have now been totally clean for 3 years. I found that taking it all one day at a time helped me through it. If I tried to look at tomorrow it made me feel helpless and overwhelmed.

Take it slow and easy and don't look ahead but just focus on today.

Hugs and prayers,
2many2count

2stop

Thank you for the kind words 2many, you have made amazing progress!! I know it must still be very hard though. You were right on the money about thinking about all the people I've hurt and not wanting to hurt them anymore....I know I have to forgive myself but I just go binges of such self-hate and loathing it's unreal, it's almost like the more sober I get the crazier my mind works. I'll adjust, just a bit freaked about it is all, all in due time I suppose. Thanks for sharing with me.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many2count

Tammie,
You are a great person. I can tell from your posts that you know what you have to do. Love yourself...... You are worth loving. I know that you must down deep inside. I have been there and had to dig it out of my A$$ but it was there. Stay tough because I can tell you are...you're Italian!

Don't freak out...try to go with the flow of things. I'm praying for you and wishing you the very best.

Your friend through recovery,
2many2count

2stop

I hear ya girlfriend!! You are so right, I know deep down I love who I am but then some alter ego or whatever the damned shrinks call it pops up and says NO way get outta hee ah, fugeddabouditt...you are nothing but the biggest fake and fraud on the entire planet!! O lordy and there I go until I don't know who the hell I am!!:p I'll get over it, I think the damn disease knows just knows I am fixin to open up the biggest can of whoop-a** this side of the Mason dixon Line!!! I am here to tell ya I am about through with listening to this disease. I have to walk away from my old life/mind set and into my new life/mindset. Okay, I am done rambling. I have you in my prayers too,hon. I know you are going through a very difficult time, if I can do anything at all to help please let me know. You needs lots of support and understanding right now, and I really feel for you.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many2count

Thanks Tammie!
I need support for sure. I already let out my can of Whoop A$$ this side of the Mason Dixon Line and I'm on the other side....we could be dangerous!

Hang in there....I am but only by threads

Your friend through recovery,
2many

wishIsedNO

sumtimes i think us addicts are like all related cause i read sum of these post and im just like hell yea..ive been clean for 11months but gave into my disease 2 weeks ago but im trying my hardest to get up and dust myself off..but its hard 5 months ago i feel like i just hit a brick wall..i was doing good and i started to really enjoy being sober but then all of sudden i felt like i stepped into quick sand..and i just kept sinking..till i couldnt take it anymore..it doesnt help the 2 men in my life that i love and lean on the most r active in their addictions..but at least one of them is committing themself into detox tomomrrow so hopefully in that sitution i can start to relax alil cause i tend to take the role of care taker cause i like to dominate sumthing i havent been able to change i think sum things r just apart of a persons personality..ya know..well at least we can hope...your in a way better position then when u were using..so at least u know all u gotta do is hang on and u know things r gonna get better at least ive seen people really do good when i thought they never would so theirs hope even though at times it just doesnt seem that way..i dont know if u feel like me but sumtimes i got this fear that im just one of those people that r hopeless,, but then i think i wasnt born with a needle in my arm so if i could go the first 15 years of my life not an addict then ican do it for the reat of my life and so can u cause im a true pessimest..so like the old saying if i can do it your sure in hell can too..goodluck

trish

Hey Tammie,
I am hearing you about the mental terror. I feel like I detoxed weeks ago, but of course it's only been 12 days. God I hate just sitting around waiting to feel normal. Let me tell you girl, once the methadone came totally out of my system, I have been getting severe heart palpitations. I lay there in bed and watch my heart thump out of my chest. It is a very scary feeling. My husband tells me that it is just my body recovering and that the racey feeling is probably a very normal heartbeat. He says because the opiate sedates us and makes us think we are normal when we are not. I slept about 6 hours in 4 days. Don't feel sick at all....just racey. So my mind is going through some weird s**t.
The kids keep me busy but that's just not enough. I am struggling in my mind and wish it would just go away

2stop

Thanks Trish and WishIsedNo, I know it sounds so simple to just not pick up but damn it's incredibly hard, did have a small miracle last week...at the docs I didn't ask her for a pain pill prescription, I was alittle ticked off later but I made it through. Last night I had a moment of weakness, called someone about pain pills..they didn't have any yet..said probably today they would,m so I am trying to tell myself to not accept them..I shouldn't have put myself in this position.
I hope ya all are doin gokay today.(((HUGS))0

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2stop

The pills didn't come through. I am relieved in one way and pissed in another. I set myself up for this, so I shouldn't be so whiny about it, but damn I'm really craving now. Trying not to think about making a hot toddy. A guy in the docs office yesterday was talking about them while I was waiting for my son to see the doctor. OH boy. I had a doc in TX would tell me to take a shot of whiskey with the chest infection I have now. He also supplied a lot of pain pills, xanax and diet pills, so it was bad advice I know. Well, I'll just try to distract myself now. No wonder I get so agitated...I tempt myself and I have to pay for it now.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

LettingGo

Tammie,

Do we have to break out the watery hole for those pain pills? Or possibly your HEAD! This is me cyber yelling at you!!! If you dont stop that stinkin thinkin you are getting a cyber swirly in the toilet from me!

all of this said with much love,
Jamie

2stop

No watery hole!!!! LOL! You're cute! I'm working through it, got about 4 varieties of sweets arond me. 2 boxes of Little Debbie's, brownies and apple flips, chicko-sticks and M&M's!! That should get my mind off the drugs and back to being bulimic(just kidding!)

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

wishIsedNO

today when i was going to my program i promised myself id stay clean..but i got 10 bucks from this survey thing they pay u 30 bucks just to get info outta us young addicts especially ones like me who shoot up..they wanna get us to be smart addicts and not get hiv..so with our info they can teach others..anyways as i was walking i saw this guy who i know is still active he sells cigs to support hes habbit..i sed i only buy 2 cigs off of him but before i knew it i was giving him my 10 bucks and telling him to get me the best **** around here..i could of went to brooklyn where i know i could get good stuff but im lazy and i like that i am cause that keeps me clean..and i keep myself from knowing who sells by my program so i can stay clean..i went up and got medicated when i came down 5 mins later he had my stuff i went and did it in this spanish bathroom that i like cause its never busy and its a one person bathroom that u open with a key and they give u the key so u feel safer..after i sat on the toilet feeling that same old rush that i fell in love with 6 yrs ago..i wanted to smack myself and wonder whats wrong with me why i let this lil bag of off white powder control me soo..i had 11 months clean and icouldnt wait to go to a meeting on july 26th to get my year chip even though i hardly ever make na meetings cause i just dont like um..my counselor says thats one of my main problems on why i cant grow in my recovery cause if i went i could make a stronger support group cause i really dont got one at this moment..but i feel going to 2 groups a day at my programs enough i mean how much can u really talk about how u feel sumtimes the excessive talking makes me wanna use..but i think anything could eventually make me use if i want too..but the other person is rite stinkin thinking will only get u active it wont help with anything else..i think we just gotta keep busy with sumthing we really enjoy its like how i was telling my mom that when im in the car driving i dont smoke cause im too involved in driving to wanna smoke( im learning how to ) so i think that what we gotta do with our drugs of choice we gotta find sumthing to makes us forget about it long enough to get away from those unbearable urges that we think will never end..but as others have told me they will pass..its only a feeling till u make it control u then it becomes more then that..

Juls

Tammi,

I know what you mean about those pain pills. Every time I go to the Dr. or have a dental appt, and don't try to get some pain meds is a miracle. I never bought off the streets. However, I do suffer afterwards because my cravings are so strong. I do know that they will pass though and that I don't have to give into them. I have a choice.

The agitation may not go away completely, but what does happen is that after a time it doesn't affect you so much. It also helps if you can engage in a healthy behavior that will take your mind off of the way you feel. Think of things that you would like to do, or things that you used to do - for yourself. For me it's doing art work. If I get involved in drawing, I totally forget whats going on with me internally.

Juls

2stop

Thanks Juls, appreciate the reply. I have working on a lot of screenplays I have started, I just can't concentrate for very long and I start obsessing. I'm working hard though on reprogramming my thinking to stay on course. Hope your day is going well!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie