When Love isn't enough
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
When Love isn't enough
Although my qualifier is my AS, I am often drawn to discussions involving spouses. Although my husband isn't an addict I see so much of him and us in the postings lately. Especially those that deal with Love and "should I stay or should I go?"
It's such a painful decision. Losing a relationship that held such hope and dreams can feel so crushing and debilitating. Losing a family is the worst feeling. Especially if we have been there before. But was it ever there? Or were we codies in love with the idea of love?
I hear the same thing over and over. " I love him/her so much." and " I know he/she loves me deeply."
I am in that place where too much has happened and the trust is gone and hope is fading. Yet I too hear that voice that says, " We both love each other so much, so why are we in this place where I need to decide to go?" I love him and I know he loves me, but obviously something is missing.
My parents have an amazing marriage. They are deeply in love but they have always told me that Love is a decision not a feeling. You can "feel" love but real committed love requires being there and standing up for it even when it doesn't feel like love. I know that's why I have stayed as long as I have.
But this kind of love requires two people and my husband doesn't love like that. He can say the words, he can even cry and tell me I am his everything, that he can't imagine life without me, he can blame it all on him, he can tell me I'm too good for him, and push every codie button on me intentionally or not, but that's not the love that will last.
It did at first and for many years. He would mess-up and I'd take him back with his professions of sorrow and love.That kind of passionate love works for good make-up sex, and sounds good in the movies, but it's not there when he's not feeling it. When he doesn't feel it, he can abandon "love" and me emotionally.
So When I hear people talk about love and how powerful it is in keeping us committed to staying with these messed up people, I think of myself. I wasn't staying because our Love was so powerful, I stayed because I was in love with the idea of how I wanted to see us. I was in love with his "potential". I wanted something that wasn't there no matter how passionately we said it. I am sure he really believes he loves me. And it will be very hard for me to break away from this cycle. And I hope he does get the help he says he wants.
But Real Love is in the doing not the saying.
That's the kind of love I deserve and will have one day if I keep working on myself, focusing on my recovery, avoiding those codie set-backs of fixing and enabling, and remembering that I matter too.
I hope I'm not offending anyone here. God knows I understand why we stay. and I will never judge someone who stays anymore than I would judge someone who leaves. I am separated from my husband, and I am proud of the fact that I stood up for my life and am doing this on my own and for me, but I haven't moved beyond that to seek a divorce so what does that say?
I'm just using this as a reflection/sounding board as I try to figure this out for myself.
It's such a painful decision. Losing a relationship that held such hope and dreams can feel so crushing and debilitating. Losing a family is the worst feeling. Especially if we have been there before. But was it ever there? Or were we codies in love with the idea of love?
I hear the same thing over and over. " I love him/her so much." and " I know he/she loves me deeply."
I am in that place where too much has happened and the trust is gone and hope is fading. Yet I too hear that voice that says, " We both love each other so much, so why are we in this place where I need to decide to go?" I love him and I know he loves me, but obviously something is missing.
My parents have an amazing marriage. They are deeply in love but they have always told me that Love is a decision not a feeling. You can "feel" love but real committed love requires being there and standing up for it even when it doesn't feel like love. I know that's why I have stayed as long as I have.
But this kind of love requires two people and my husband doesn't love like that. He can say the words, he can even cry and tell me I am his everything, that he can't imagine life without me, he can blame it all on him, he can tell me I'm too good for him, and push every codie button on me intentionally or not, but that's not the love that will last.
It did at first and for many years. He would mess-up and I'd take him back with his professions of sorrow and love.That kind of passionate love works for good make-up sex, and sounds good in the movies, but it's not there when he's not feeling it. When he doesn't feel it, he can abandon "love" and me emotionally.
So When I hear people talk about love and how powerful it is in keeping us committed to staying with these messed up people, I think of myself. I wasn't staying because our Love was so powerful, I stayed because I was in love with the idea of how I wanted to see us. I was in love with his "potential". I wanted something that wasn't there no matter how passionately we said it. I am sure he really believes he loves me. And it will be very hard for me to break away from this cycle. And I hope he does get the help he says he wants.
But Real Love is in the doing not the saying.
That's the kind of love I deserve and will have one day if I keep working on myself, focusing on my recovery, avoiding those codie set-backs of fixing and enabling, and remembering that I matter too.
I hope I'm not offending anyone here. God knows I understand why we stay. and I will never judge someone who stays anymore than I would judge someone who leaves. I am separated from my husband, and I am proud of the fact that I stood up for my life and am doing this on my own and for me, but I haven't moved beyond that to seek a divorce so what does that say?
I'm just using this as a reflection/sounding board as I try to figure this out for myself.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Hi cece,
Wow you really blew me away with your post. It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and in general about what makes for a lasting, loving relationship. I really commend you on all that you had to say.
I think your post says that you're working it out and doing a wonderful job at it!
Keep it up...you're in the right direction! I hope to be where u are at someday!!
Wow you really blew me away with your post. It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and in general about what makes for a lasting, loving relationship. I really commend you on all that you had to say.
I think your post says that you're working it out and doing a wonderful job at it!
Keep it up...you're in the right direction! I hope to be where u are at someday!!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Love is an action not a feeling.
In any relationship love is enough. Yes it really is.
I love you so much that I am using my boundaries.
Boundaries when used correctly are an act of love.
Giving a person what they need is an act of love.
Giving a person what they want ... at times may not be an act of love.
The little engine inside of a man runs on respect.
I respect you enough that I am leaving your issues in your hands to fix.
The little engine inside of a woman runs on love...men need to be told this and most of us need to learn how to put it into action so a woman sees we know.
Marriage encounter weekends or some other couples weekend getaway that helps the selfimprovement of the marriage would be a good idea. You may even enjoy the weekend away even if nothing is gained.
In any relationship love is enough. Yes it really is.
I love you so much that I am using my boundaries.
Boundaries when used correctly are an act of love.
Giving a person what they need is an act of love.
Giving a person what they want ... at times may not be an act of love.
The little engine inside of a man runs on respect.
I respect you enough that I am leaving your issues in your hands to fix.
The little engine inside of a woman runs on love...men need to be told this and most of us need to learn how to put it into action so a woman sees we know.
Marriage encounter weekends or some other couples weekend getaway that helps the selfimprovement of the marriage would be a good idea. You may even enjoy the weekend away even if nothing is gained.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"My husband doesn't love like that. I love him and I know he loves me"
"But I haven't moved beyond that to seek a divorce so what does that say?"
Does this say that you keep hoping/wishing that he will love you the way you want?
Or does it say you have accepted his limitations and know it is not going to change.
Are you happier on your own? Do you feel single now? Or is being separated still leave you with one foot in the marriage?
"But I haven't moved beyond that to seek a divorce so what does that say?"
Does this say that you keep hoping/wishing that he will love you the way you want?
Or does it say you have accepted his limitations and know it is not going to change.
Are you happier on your own? Do you feel single now? Or is being separated still leave you with one foot in the marriage?
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((((Cece)))))))
Powerful post...thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is clear you have been growing in your recovery and doing what you need to do so the journey will bring you to what works for you. Hugs and prayers
Powerful post...thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is clear you have been growing in your recovery and doing what you need to do so the journey will bring you to what works for you. Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
this is a powerful post for me and I do appreciate your candidness in sharing it. Addictive relationships are not only with addicts. I recently read an article about the nature of desire....it is wanting something that you do not have. I have so many times confused love with desire. Love is an action verb - am I giving it? Am I receiving it? I tend to find the kernel of good in people and decide that that is the predominant trait - not so. I am learning to live with less denial - the reality vs. what I wish was going on and what could possibly go on if all went as I wanted it to....then maybe we can walk off into the sunset together?
When I was a little girl I lived on the edge of the "woods". I was absolutely convinced that there was a carnival deep within the woods where everything was magical. I looked and looked and believed the "big kids" that told me that it was so. It reminds me of the lifelong quest that I have had to find the type of love I have made up in my mind that is real love.
To receive real love I have to give up my dream of the magical realm. Why has that been so hard for me? Why do I still do it? Why did that become my drug?
It sounds like you are in the middle of what I am just beginning to discover. Love is not about who you are in a relationship with or how you are involved with them- it's where you are with yourself. If I value myself and my love I do not give it away without discernment and care. If I value myself I seek companions that are able and willing to give as well as they get. Novel concept. I am having to learn how to receive and understand in a visceral way that that is my birth right.
When I was a little girl I lived on the edge of the "woods". I was absolutely convinced that there was a carnival deep within the woods where everything was magical. I looked and looked and believed the "big kids" that told me that it was so. It reminds me of the lifelong quest that I have had to find the type of love I have made up in my mind that is real love.
To receive real love I have to give up my dream of the magical realm. Why has that been so hard for me? Why do I still do it? Why did that become my drug?
It sounds like you are in the middle of what I am just beginning to discover. Love is not about who you are in a relationship with or how you are involved with them- it's where you are with yourself. If I value myself and my love I do not give it away without discernment and care. If I value myself I seek companions that are able and willing to give as well as they get. Novel concept. I am having to learn how to receive and understand in a visceral way that that is my birth right.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by cece 
When he doesn't feel it, he can abandon "love" and me emotionally.
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
thank you everyone for the different perspectives and thoughts.
I have so much going on in my head right now it helps so much to put it down and come back to it. It helps me sort things out. then having people respond to it from their perspective and journeys adds so much to my journey of discovery.
"Best"
I like the analogy of a man and a womans point of view for love. "respect" is VERY important to my husband. When he loses it for himself he is very hard on himself. I have found that I tried to show it to him but have learned it can only come from within him. We have tried a retrouvaille(SP?) weekend. I don't seem to be able to give up. I think I am beating myself up over that fact and feeling very used.
"Lightseaker"
Yes, I have often felt he must be my addiction.
" Chino"
I loved the quote. It is right on target for me.
I'm spending lots of thinking time on this but I am remembering to PRAY and ask GOD to lead me. I'm trying to hear my HP. thnk my HP wants me to learn more than I want to. " sigh"
thanks again
I have so much going on in my head right now it helps so much to put it down and come back to it. It helps me sort things out. then having people respond to it from their perspective and journeys adds so much to my journey of discovery.
"Best"
I like the analogy of a man and a womans point of view for love. "respect" is VERY important to my husband. When he loses it for himself he is very hard on himself. I have found that I tried to show it to him but have learned it can only come from within him. We have tried a retrouvaille(SP?) weekend. I don't seem to be able to give up. I think I am beating myself up over that fact and feeling very used.
"Lightseaker"
Yes, I have often felt he must be my addiction.
" Chino"
I loved the quote. It is right on target for me.
I'm spending lots of thinking time on this but I am remembering to PRAY and ask GOD to lead me. I'm trying to hear my HP. thnk my HP wants me to learn more than I want to. " sigh"
thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CARVER, MA
Posts: 21
Hi cece
I've posted on my fridge this message to read everyday since I've realized my marriage was over.
"love should not hurt. Be your own best friend, learn to love yourself. True love is made up of 2 people that choose to be together" author unknown.
I've posted on my fridge this message to read everyday since I've realized my marriage was over.
"love should not hurt. Be your own best friend, learn to love yourself. True love is made up of 2 people that choose to be together" author unknown.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
