RosieM

Have to share this one. Marriage counselor wanted so see us separately before we started joint counseling. I had my appt Wednesday, AH was supposed to go Thursday but got "sick" and just blew it off without calling the guy. Out of 7 individual therapy appts so far, he has blown off 3 and had to reschedule. On Friday he didn't go to work.... "sick." Says he was sick but this is the exact same pattern that always happens when he binges on his day off and then has to recover.

Since he is living with his bro now I'm not privy to the details (hooray) and did not have to listen to him puke all night long (hooray again) but wow, what an indication of where his head is. It's up to him now to call the guy back to try to move the process forward. Will be interesting.

I'm wondering if I should even waste my time with marriage counseling. Not seeing sincerity or effort after two months of living separately. Some minor forward movement - he went to one support group meeting, a number of therapy appts, and he's reading books, talking a little more freely about it all - but not enough to make me think he's in recovery. Seems like he's doing just enough to kind of "get by" with appearing to be working something.

He says the marriage is important to him but it sure doesn't seem like it to me.

Daisy30

I am not sure what to say here. It sounds like a tough call.
I suppose if you are comfortable with the marriage counseling then continue. If you feel it is productive and you are getting things out of it, then why not continue.

If it is causing you undo stress then I would say stop.

I am sure there are others who will better insight than I

hello-kitty

When my marriage fell apart, My husband and I went to counciling. He didn't want to go, kept missing appts and then eventually quit going altogether. I continued to go to counseling by myself. And it was so helpful for me. It helped me grow as a person and it was a great outlet for me as I went through the divorce.

Talk to your counselor. See what he/she recommends.

Barbara52

Obviously he doesn't take the counseling seriously! He cancels appointments, he's still drinking. Not the actions of someone who is serious about working on himself or your relationship.

You might want to continue individual therapy if you are finding helpful and let him deal with his issues as his chooses to. Only he can decide he is serious about any of it. Therapy takes committment to be effective and have any value.

karmakoma

You know, if someone called me on my $hit and had a road map, or at least someone who could show me the same, if I was committed to the cause, I would go all out to at least participate. If I was ready.

Given that he has shown by his actions that he is is not ready and willing, what is your next step?

hope2bhappy

I think what he might be doing right now is trying to figure out how he can continue to have it both ways -- "work" on the marriage while still "working" on the bottle. This is pretty common, because they actually believe they can do both. To us (the non-addicts), this comes off looking deceitful. But in the mind of an alcoholic, they truly and honestly don't believe they have a problem. This is just one of the ways their brains work differently from ours. Aside from all that, we can't make anyone else do anything -- much less an alcoholic.

If you continue to go the counseling sessions on your own, you are moving in a forward direction and doing something to help yourself. You are keeping the focus on you, and that is a good thing.

RosieM

I think I would get something helpful out of the counseling, that it will help me get to where I need to be.It's definitely not stressing me out and I could continue it while I take steps to move forward - no reason why not. Appreciate all the comments. Reading all the insights definitely helps to clear the brain fog!