dear mom & dad
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
dear mom & dad
Dear Mom & Dad
You always taught me that life wasn’t going to be easy. You taught me to work hard, to lead a good life, and to stand up for myself and what I believe in. You always showed me love support and encouragement. You both worked so hard so that we could have the things in life that we wanted. There was never a day without food on the table and clothes on our backs. We spent so many times sitting around the kitchen table, sharing the stories of our day, a wonderful meal, playing games, just being a family. You were the best parents a daughter could ask for. You gave me independence, and you let me learn from my mistakes. I knew that you would always be there if I needed you, but as I grew into an adult, those times grew farther apart. Even though I am all grown up now, I still need you and love you both so much. I see how much you are hurting, and there is nothing I would rather see in this world then to have your hurt go away. The life you have now is not what you deserve.
Over the past few years, I feel like we have grown closer, yet we are being pushed apart at the same time. Rob and I were so thrilled to be able to carry on your business, and we can’t thank you enough for the opportunity. It definitely gave me a new appreciation for everything you have done over the years. But with this, comes guilt. We know that this business was not built for us. It was built for Kurt. And every time he brings that up, it tears me up. I feel horrible that he is not a part of it with us. But we did everything we could to make things right. We gave Kurt a chance; he made the choice to throw it away.
I don’t know if I have ever been as hurt as the day we fired him, and the day after. Your reaction to me was devastating. I still cry when I think about it. I just couldn’t understand why you would stop talking to me because I stood up for what was right. To have you go in for surgery the next day, where it could have been the last time I ever saw you, and you didn’t even want to see me? You were willing to throw what could have been one last moment with your daughter away, because you choose Kurt instead of me.
I can’t continue feeling like the “lesser” child all the time. I am your daughter, but you never even invite me over. We have invited you for dinner several times, but you always say no. I made extra lasagna for you for when you came home, because I know what there wouldn’t be any food in the fridge. You didn’t say thank you.
Everything in your life is consumed by Kurt. When I tell you things that Kurt has done, I am interoggated. I wish you knew that I have never tried to hurt you by telling you things Kurt has done. I tell you so that someday, hopefully, you will see that despite all your efforts, you are not helping him. Money is not helping him. Worrying about him and trying to save him is not helping him. Kurt is going to go down, and you are following right behind him.
I am glad that you were able to get away from here for a little while, to have a vacation, to relax, to not have to worry about hiding your wallet or purse for a few days. But while you were gone, the pressure was too much for me. Everyday, almost every hour, Kurt would call me with lies. It was so hard for me to say no to him, but I did. He cried, he begged, he lied, he threatened. He did everything he could think of to get me to cave. My heart was breaking hearing him lie over and over again. But I knew that saying no was what he needed. He is 35 and he has to live with the consequences of the decisions he makes. I offered to help him when the guilt got too much, but he didn’t want my help. All he wanted was my money.
I really believed that those couple of weeks, living in the real world, was a good thing for him. He had to be responsible for his choices, because no one was there to fix all his mistakes. But the second you were back home, so was he. When I heard that he was back at your house, I was mad, and I felt used. For two weeks I did all the dirty work. I was the mean heartless bitch who made him have such a tough life for 2 weeks. I barely slept the entire time and I kept my doors locked even while I was home. And then you just let him waltz back in because life was too hard for him.
I see the effect that Kurt’s choices are having on the two of you. Emotionally, physically, and financially. You live like prisoners in your own house. But as much as I know he hurts you, I can’t make you change the situation. You are the only ones that can make your situation better. You can choose to live without all of his lies and threats and burdens. And that is what I am doing for myself.
What used to be my home is not anymore. Not because I have a husband and a house of our own, but because I can’t go there anymore without wondering why Kurt is there, or when he is coming back, or what he has stole from you.
And that is why I have to make a choice for me. I can’t be at your house anymore. I can’t handle the pressure it puts on me. I can’t handle the way it makes me resent Kurt more and more each day for what he is putting you through. I don’t know how you can deal with it.
It hurts me so much to know that all of Rob’s hard work is almost wasted. With every cheque we write you, I know it isn’t going to your retirement. It is going to feed Kurt’s addiction. I love Kurt more than you know, but right now, I can’t have him as a part of my life. And I can’t just sit back and watch you throw money at his problem anymore.
I know that all you want is to do the right thing, and have him back in your life. But I can no longer sit by the wayside and let him rip this family apart even more. I feel like you are going to keep trying to save him, but you are losing your daughters in the meantime. For years Keri and I have tried to help, but our words don’t seem to have any value.
So from now on, I have to just live my life, because I can’t change yours for you, no matter how much I try. I can’t go to your house and see Kurt kill all three of you. I can’t phone over and have Kurt answer the phone, leaving me to wonder why he is there, even though I am told he doesn’t live there. I can’t keep talking about his problems and trying to find answers, because no one listens to what I have to say. His years and years of lies seem to hold more weight than all of the hours of research I have done, the meetings I have attended, the counselors I have talked to.
So, I have to let go.
Please don’t think that I am abandoning you to deal with Kurt’s problems alone. I am giving myself space because they are his problems, and no matter how much I care or love him, they are still his problems, and the only way he will ever change is if he deals with them himself.
I love you both so much, but I have to do this for me and for my family. I can’t keep crying all the time and feeling so angry. I have to leave him alone to deal with his problems, and as long as you are continuing to enable him, I can’t be involved in your lives. There is no room for me there.
Please take care of yourselves, and feel free to call or come over whenever you like. I just can’t keep reaching out to help or keep putting myself into the position to be hurt and lied to anymore.
Love Kristal
You always taught me that life wasn’t going to be easy. You taught me to work hard, to lead a good life, and to stand up for myself and what I believe in. You always showed me love support and encouragement. You both worked so hard so that we could have the things in life that we wanted. There was never a day without food on the table and clothes on our backs. We spent so many times sitting around the kitchen table, sharing the stories of our day, a wonderful meal, playing games, just being a family. You were the best parents a daughter could ask for. You gave me independence, and you let me learn from my mistakes. I knew that you would always be there if I needed you, but as I grew into an adult, those times grew farther apart. Even though I am all grown up now, I still need you and love you both so much. I see how much you are hurting, and there is nothing I would rather see in this world then to have your hurt go away. The life you have now is not what you deserve.
Over the past few years, I feel like we have grown closer, yet we are being pushed apart at the same time. Rob and I were so thrilled to be able to carry on your business, and we can’t thank you enough for the opportunity. It definitely gave me a new appreciation for everything you have done over the years. But with this, comes guilt. We know that this business was not built for us. It was built for Kurt. And every time he brings that up, it tears me up. I feel horrible that he is not a part of it with us. But we did everything we could to make things right. We gave Kurt a chance; he made the choice to throw it away.
I don’t know if I have ever been as hurt as the day we fired him, and the day after. Your reaction to me was devastating. I still cry when I think about it. I just couldn’t understand why you would stop talking to me because I stood up for what was right. To have you go in for surgery the next day, where it could have been the last time I ever saw you, and you didn’t even want to see me? You were willing to throw what could have been one last moment with your daughter away, because you choose Kurt instead of me.
I can’t continue feeling like the “lesser” child all the time. I am your daughter, but you never even invite me over. We have invited you for dinner several times, but you always say no. I made extra lasagna for you for when you came home, because I know what there wouldn’t be any food in the fridge. You didn’t say thank you.
Everything in your life is consumed by Kurt. When I tell you things that Kurt has done, I am interoggated. I wish you knew that I have never tried to hurt you by telling you things Kurt has done. I tell you so that someday, hopefully, you will see that despite all your efforts, you are not helping him. Money is not helping him. Worrying about him and trying to save him is not helping him. Kurt is going to go down, and you are following right behind him.
I am glad that you were able to get away from here for a little while, to have a vacation, to relax, to not have to worry about hiding your wallet or purse for a few days. But while you were gone, the pressure was too much for me. Everyday, almost every hour, Kurt would call me with lies. It was so hard for me to say no to him, but I did. He cried, he begged, he lied, he threatened. He did everything he could think of to get me to cave. My heart was breaking hearing him lie over and over again. But I knew that saying no was what he needed. He is 35 and he has to live with the consequences of the decisions he makes. I offered to help him when the guilt got too much, but he didn’t want my help. All he wanted was my money.
I really believed that those couple of weeks, living in the real world, was a good thing for him. He had to be responsible for his choices, because no one was there to fix all his mistakes. But the second you were back home, so was he. When I heard that he was back at your house, I was mad, and I felt used. For two weeks I did all the dirty work. I was the mean heartless bitch who made him have such a tough life for 2 weeks. I barely slept the entire time and I kept my doors locked even while I was home. And then you just let him waltz back in because life was too hard for him.
I see the effect that Kurt’s choices are having on the two of you. Emotionally, physically, and financially. You live like prisoners in your own house. But as much as I know he hurts you, I can’t make you change the situation. You are the only ones that can make your situation better. You can choose to live without all of his lies and threats and burdens. And that is what I am doing for myself.
What used to be my home is not anymore. Not because I have a husband and a house of our own, but because I can’t go there anymore without wondering why Kurt is there, or when he is coming back, or what he has stole from you.
And that is why I have to make a choice for me. I can’t be at your house anymore. I can’t handle the pressure it puts on me. I can’t handle the way it makes me resent Kurt more and more each day for what he is putting you through. I don’t know how you can deal with it.
It hurts me so much to know that all of Rob’s hard work is almost wasted. With every cheque we write you, I know it isn’t going to your retirement. It is going to feed Kurt’s addiction. I love Kurt more than you know, but right now, I can’t have him as a part of my life. And I can’t just sit back and watch you throw money at his problem anymore.
I know that all you want is to do the right thing, and have him back in your life. But I can no longer sit by the wayside and let him rip this family apart even more. I feel like you are going to keep trying to save him, but you are losing your daughters in the meantime. For years Keri and I have tried to help, but our words don’t seem to have any value.
So from now on, I have to just live my life, because I can’t change yours for you, no matter how much I try. I can’t go to your house and see Kurt kill all three of you. I can’t phone over and have Kurt answer the phone, leaving me to wonder why he is there, even though I am told he doesn’t live there. I can’t keep talking about his problems and trying to find answers, because no one listens to what I have to say. His years and years of lies seem to hold more weight than all of the hours of research I have done, the meetings I have attended, the counselors I have talked to.
So, I have to let go.
Please don’t think that I am abandoning you to deal with Kurt’s problems alone. I am giving myself space because they are his problems, and no matter how much I care or love him, they are still his problems, and the only way he will ever change is if he deals with them himself.
I love you both so much, but I have to do this for me and for my family. I can’t keep crying all the time and feeling so angry. I have to leave him alone to deal with his problems, and as long as you are continuing to enable him, I can’t be involved in your lives. There is no room for me there.
Please take care of yourselves, and feel free to call or come over whenever you like. I just can’t keep reaching out to help or keep putting myself into the position to be hurt and lied to anymore.
Love Kristal
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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((( kristal )))
Wow. What a powerful letter, full of love, compassion AND detachment. One of the things I struggle with in times like this is remembering to also give the situation up to my HP and then LETTING GO of the results. I'm fairly good at throwing up my hands and saying "I can't handle this anymore, HP... it's all yours now" but then I still have this need to check in from time to time to make sure He is handling it the way I think He should, and of course I take it back if its not going the way I want it to...
I wish you peace and serenity today, now that you have set your boundaries.
Big hugs,
Cats
Wow. What a powerful letter, full of love, compassion AND detachment. One of the things I struggle with in times like this is remembering to also give the situation up to my HP and then LETTING GO of the results. I'm fairly good at throwing up my hands and saying "I can't handle this anymore, HP... it's all yours now" but then I still have this need to check in from time to time to make sure He is handling it the way I think He should, and of course I take it back if its not going the way I want it to...
I wish you peace and serenity today, now that you have set your boundaries.
Big hugs,
Cats
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Today has been an incredibly hard day for me. My parents have no responded to me, and I'm going to chose to be ok with that. I hope there is a lot to think about, and maybe in a few days they will reach out to me.
In the mean time, I am very lucky to have a loving and understanding husband, and a sister who is in the process of setting her own boundries as well. I probably wont be around here for a bit, I just need some space. I need to change my focus.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. They mean more than you could know.
In the mean time, I am very lucky to have a loving and understanding husband, and a sister who is in the process of setting her own boundries as well. I probably wont be around here for a bit, I just need some space. I need to change my focus.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. They mean more than you could know.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
That letter was incredibly powerful. You're doing the right thing. You have to first save yourself by choosing not to be codependent. Maybe at some time in the future, you can have a conversation with your parents, convince them to go to al anon and see that they are not helping your brother by doing what they are doing.
Last edited by SoberAndy; 02-11-2008 at 03:49 PM. Reason: Clarification
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((((((Rub))))))) That must have been emotionally draining to let your folks know all your feelings. It is such a powerful and compassionate letter. Whether they respond or not, I think you have done what is right for you and your family. Some of us take longer to get there than others...I'm just very sorry that your folks can't see all that is in front of them and that you and your sister are being hurt in this process. Prayers for comfort and peace for all of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Well, my parents did respond to me. They came over, and we sat and talked for a bit. I felt attacked at times, but I didn't try to defend my feelings. I avaided talking about my brother. When they gave me the old "well what are we supposed to do" line, I said, whatever you want. You know where Istand, and you know what I think. I don't need to tell you over and over again, and from now on, I am not going to discuss it.
They seemed a bit hurt over all, and angry too. They didn't seem very apologetic, which I was wanting, of course.
They also used the "well we are just the stupid parents screwing everything up" line. That made me quite angry, as now I get the guilt factor from them as well.
But it also made me realize just how sick they are, and how I really made the right decision.
The tears have had a break now, and I feel like I can finally get on with my life. Luckily, my dad is still in contact with my husband about the business, which was a concern for me.
Thanks again everyone.
They seemed a bit hurt over all, and angry too. They didn't seem very apologetic, which I was wanting, of course.
They also used the "well we are just the stupid parents screwing everything up" line. That made me quite angry, as now I get the guilt factor from them as well.
But it also made me realize just how sick they are, and how I really made the right decision.
The tears have had a break now, and I feel like I can finally get on with my life. Luckily, my dad is still in contact with my husband about the business, which was a concern for me.
Thanks again everyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by rub 
But it also made me realize just how sick they are, and how I really made the right decision.
I'm glad you can identify them as being sick.
I remember back when I was sick, and I mean SICK. No one could tell me that enabling my sons was wrong, NO ONE. And anyone who didn't agree with me, family, or friends, well, they went on my short list.
(thank goodness I'm better now...
)The day will come when your parents hit their bottom, and it will all come together, and at last, they'll understand where you were coming from.
It'll happen, hopefully.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Rub, I have been one of those "parents" for way to long. I had absolutely no idea that I was hurting my son so much by enabling him. Until I got into therapy I had never even heard the word Co-dependent. Man did I fit into that catagory!!!!! Then I started Alanaon meetings and finally saw the light. My son was on cocaine (and I'm not so sure he's not still)))))) so I continue with my therapy to help myself help him. I wish your parents would reach out. They will find so many wonderful people that are in their situation.... I will continue to support my son in his recovery but never again in his addiction. Hopefully I will have a good story here in a few months but for now I can't believe him. He seems to be doing well and knows exactly where we stand today. Hugs, Bonnie
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
I just wanted to update a bit, and say that writing that letter was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
The weight is off my shoulders.
I think I'm even an inch or two taller!
My husband has been extremely supportive. He screens calls for me, calls my parents to talk about the business (which is something that I would always have to do in the past) and lets me know if my Dad is at the shop so I can choose to visit at another time.
I still hear stories about my brother. He was recently arrested, stole several hundred dollars from my dad via a customer of ours (long story) but I'm ok with it all. Everyone knows about my brother. If people choose to give him money or believe his lies, it's not my fault. I don't feel ashamed of the situation. I dont feel so angry all the time. I don't cry every day.
I bought a card for Valentines day for my parents, and I was going to drop it in the mail, but I ran into my mom downtown and gave it to her. She had flowers for me, which was nice, and I didn't feel guilty that I didn't have flowers for her. I was just glad I had a card.
My dad's birthday is on Wednesday, and as much as I would love to spend some time with him, I think I may just drop a card in the mail. I know he knows I love him. Yup, a card it will be....
The weight is off my shoulders.
I think I'm even an inch or two taller!
My husband has been extremely supportive. He screens calls for me, calls my parents to talk about the business (which is something that I would always have to do in the past) and lets me know if my Dad is at the shop so I can choose to visit at another time.
I still hear stories about my brother. He was recently arrested, stole several hundred dollars from my dad via a customer of ours (long story) but I'm ok with it all. Everyone knows about my brother. If people choose to give him money or believe his lies, it's not my fault. I don't feel ashamed of the situation. I dont feel so angry all the time. I don't cry every day.
I bought a card for Valentines day for my parents, and I was going to drop it in the mail, but I ran into my mom downtown and gave it to her. She had flowers for me, which was nice, and I didn't feel guilty that I didn't have flowers for her. I was just glad I had a card.
My dad's birthday is on Wednesday, and as much as I would love to spend some time with him, I think I may just drop a card in the mail. I know he knows I love him. Yup, a card it will be....
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