help me find the answer
Acts 3:16
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 13
help me find the answer
I married a man from my church 7 months ago. It turns out that he had deceived me and everybody at the church about his character. He is a full blown crack addict. I am an ex-crack addict - sober for 2 and a half years and I thought I was free from that stuff and the memory of it. I love my walk with Christ and all I want is to continue growing in the Lord. This man I married is such a stranger to me now. I keep catching him at lies and am amazed at how incredibly skilled he is at it. It scares me. I catch him at a lie almost every day. The other morning, I woke up for some reason at 4:30 a.m. The house was dark and he was not in the bed. I peeked around the corner of the kitchen and he was in there fiddling around with his stupid crack pipe, trying to get another "push" out of it with my hair sissors! I didn't let on that I saw him. I wanted to see his face when he lies. Its facinating!! What skill! And yet he went with me to church last night for our prayer and worship service. We separate into small groups and pray aloud with one another. He prayed a beautiful prayer asking God to soften his heart, to chip away at the sharp edges, and to help him be a better husband. I wish I could believe that he really meant that. For the past 7 months he has been going to church to serve as an usher and going to his Celebrate Recovery meetings (like AA) and then leaving to go pick up his crack. I'm getting good at telling when he is high. You'd think I'd be expert at it because of my own addiction, but with him it's hard to tell. Last night he wouldn't come to bed. I woke up around midnight and he was out there in the livingroom watching t.v. He said he had a leg cramp. I have no idea if he came to bed at all. He works everyday as a lineman and has to be up at 4:30 a.m. and leave the house by 5:17 a.m. Normally, before we got married, we went to bed around 10:00, so I know he's been using when he can't sleep or even sit still for more than 2 minutes.
Anyway, that is moot because I know he's addicted to the stuff. What I need to know is what God wants me to do. Am I here because it is God's will that this sick man be in my life? Does God wants me to help him - to use my knowledge of what that incidious drug can do to a life? Or was it my will, stupidly ignoring the red flags and falling in love with a guy with a shady history. I never knew anything about him using any illegal substances in his past. He had been an alcoholic and he cheated on his ex wives all the time. But I thought, because I met him at church and that he was so in love with the Lord, that we were on the same road and were both "new creations" in Christ. Now I'm finding out that he has been a "bad seed" all his life. A skillful manipulator and liar.
Should I leave him and give myself a chance at happiness? Would that be my will or God's will? I'm so confused!!
Anyway, that is moot because I know he's addicted to the stuff. What I need to know is what God wants me to do. Am I here because it is God's will that this sick man be in my life? Does God wants me to help him - to use my knowledge of what that incidious drug can do to a life? Or was it my will, stupidly ignoring the red flags and falling in love with a guy with a shady history. I never knew anything about him using any illegal substances in his past. He had been an alcoholic and he cheated on his ex wives all the time. But I thought, because I met him at church and that he was so in love with the Lord, that we were on the same road and were both "new creations" in Christ. Now I'm finding out that he has been a "bad seed" all his life. A skillful manipulator and liar.
Should I leave him and give myself a chance at happiness? Would that be my will or God's will? I'm so confused!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
As u know from your past addiction u cant save or help someone who doesnt want help or admit there is a problem. I think u should leave and let him find his bottom just like u did. Maybe he needs to loose everything b4 he will realize the problem he has. Sorry your going through this.
Acts 3:16
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 13
last night his phone rang and he had a brief conversation with somebody. I asked who it was and he said "Julian," a guy he works with. Apparently he got a new phone and wanted him to have the new number. I just called it so verify that it was this Julian guy. It wasn't. Some woman answered and said it was her "man's" phone. I asked if her "man" was a lineman and, oddly, she was very vague about what he did. I asked if his name was Julian and she was vague about that too. Then she put him on the phone. The guy verified that he knew my husband, but was dodgey about saying anything else. So I called my husband and told him. Of course he denied everything and said that I must have called the wrong number and that "Julilan" did call him with his new number, Etc etc, etc.... Then he hung up on me. So I'm the bad guy. I'm the problem. I AM SOOOOOO0O SICK OF THIS!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Stop playing detective you already know the answers. You know you know. He will lie thats what addicts to. What are u trying to prove? He knows u know. No need to try to get him to tell u anything cause he wont. What are u doing for you? U know what hes doing, nothing your doing is changing anything. U are just getting him to lie to you more. U have the answers. You will drive yourself NUTs trying to figure him out not worth it.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
you are not doing anything different from what i did. I knew he knew that I knew....but for whatever reason that I could not explain...I needed to hear it from the horses mouth. But one day someone very wise put things into perspective and in such a simplistic way....i was asked, "If he told me the truth would the outcome of my reaction and how I feel be any different?" I had to really think about this but I knew it wouldn't be different. He was still doing what I knew he was doing. It's the same as this other question that was posed to me about me rushing home to him everyday instead of taking care of my needs..."If I rushed home...what state would I find him in on the couch, if he was in fact home? and if I took my time and took care of my needs before I got home...what state would I find him in?" My answer to both questions were, "he would be high or not home at all." Point being, why are you asking or searching for the answer to what you already have the answer for.
I'm sorry you're going through this but you've been down that same road. you know how the story goes so do what is right for yourself...remember what they say...people places and things. Are your surroundings right now conducive to your sobriety? Do what you need to do to keep your recovery.
I'm sorry you're going through this but you've been down that same road. you know how the story goes so do what is right for yourself...remember what they say...people places and things. Are your surroundings right now conducive to your sobriety? Do what you need to do to keep your recovery.
Last edited by Cupicake; 02-08-2008 at 08:53 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
newlywed,
if we believe that it is God's will that decides what events happen in our lives, if we truly believe that God is in control today and every day, then i would say, yes, it was God's will this man entered your life and that you have found yourself in this situation. you did not force your will over God's. no one can. this man was placed in your life, you saw a radiance inside him which you married, and you trusted. this is normal human behavior and you should not question yourself. you wanted to be with a man who shared your deepest values, your God-centered beliefs, and you chose this man because for all appearances he fervently did.
what does God want of you now? i would say that God wants you, now that more has been revealed, to fight the demon of addiction. and you know how to do that. a drug-free home, a drug-free relationship, a drug-free you.
give your husband the plain facts about where you stand and allow him to choose his own path. all God asks of us is that we live in honesty and integrity.
since you are newly married and perhaps not ready to consider divorce, then a separation would be reasonable as you wait and see, in the year ahead, what happens.
you cannot know for what reason God brought you into your husband's life, nor why he was brought into yours. but my belief is that it was God's plan. God places us where he wants us. but how we honor our divine values is up to us.
stay close to your pastor and church for support. and do not attempt to hide your husband's problem. do not lie for him.
do not betray yourself to protect him.
and keep trusting God. much is at work which you cannot know.
if we believe that it is God's will that decides what events happen in our lives, if we truly believe that God is in control today and every day, then i would say, yes, it was God's will this man entered your life and that you have found yourself in this situation. you did not force your will over God's. no one can. this man was placed in your life, you saw a radiance inside him which you married, and you trusted. this is normal human behavior and you should not question yourself. you wanted to be with a man who shared your deepest values, your God-centered beliefs, and you chose this man because for all appearances he fervently did.
what does God want of you now? i would say that God wants you, now that more has been revealed, to fight the demon of addiction. and you know how to do that. a drug-free home, a drug-free relationship, a drug-free you.
give your husband the plain facts about where you stand and allow him to choose his own path. all God asks of us is that we live in honesty and integrity.
since you are newly married and perhaps not ready to consider divorce, then a separation would be reasonable as you wait and see, in the year ahead, what happens.
you cannot know for what reason God brought you into your husband's life, nor why he was brought into yours. but my belief is that it was God's plan. God places us where he wants us. but how we honor our divine values is up to us.
stay close to your pastor and church for support. and do not attempt to hide your husband's problem. do not lie for him.
do not betray yourself to protect him.
and keep trusting God. much is at work which you cannot know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
God doesn't want you anywhere NEAR crack cocaine or people who use it. Your husband chose to turn from God when he picked up the pipe. All you can do is pray for him (from a distance!!!). It's up to God to save your husband. Unfortunately, you are not that powerful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
I struggled hard with that question-
I felt i wasn't keeping that vow I made. I also believed I could wait him or pray it out of him. Gods will- Gods plan? I asked many people many questions about His will- and plan.
Here is the response I got from an old nun.
"honey this isn't heaven it is earth- there is evil down here." My God has a plan- crack cocaine is not in it- not under any circumstances- never!! It is never good for anyone- not ever- it is never acceptable- never legal. It is a man made substance which has no "good" purpose.
It is hurtful to everyone who uses it- those that love and care about them and society as a whole.
No- I think it is a part of the "other" guys plan!! This is just the answer I came up with for myself. I really don't have a clue if it is "right" or "wrong"!! But i do believe that someday I will know the answer!!
I'm sorry you are going through with this-
StillLearning
I felt i wasn't keeping that vow I made. I also believed I could wait him or pray it out of him. Gods will- Gods plan? I asked many people many questions about His will- and plan.
Here is the response I got from an old nun.
"honey this isn't heaven it is earth- there is evil down here." My God has a plan- crack cocaine is not in it- not under any circumstances- never!! It is never good for anyone- not ever- it is never acceptable- never legal. It is a man made substance which has no "good" purpose.
It is hurtful to everyone who uses it- those that love and care about them and society as a whole.
No- I think it is a part of the "other" guys plan!! This is just the answer I came up with for myself. I really don't have a clue if it is "right" or "wrong"!! But i do believe that someday I will know the answer!!
I'm sorry you are going through with this-
StillLearning
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
If you decide to go the separation-only choice, make sure you are legally protected from the things he will be doing while you're separated. In my state, without legal protection, I was responsible for the bills my husband incurred even if we were not living in the same home......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
newlywed...
I'm sorry about your situation... as the exwife of an addict, I understand the questions you ask...I struggled with the same questions too...for a really long time.
I HAD to divorce my husband because of the drugs. The legal and financial implications were threatening to take me down...and I had to protect our son from the situation. My hand was forced. My heart was so heavy. The day my divorce became final was probably the LOWEST point of my life. I dropped to my knees in tears and I asked God to help me find my way out of the darkness. I totally and completely surrendered everything to Him and forced myself to trust Him. No matter how bad things seemed, I had to trust that God had a plan. And he did...he really and truly did.
Even after the divorce was final, I still felt married in the eyes of God. I may have divorced my exah legally but I still felt connected to my ex spiritually. Here I am almost three years later and I still feel a connection with him although we aren't together any more. My ex is doing alot better in his recovery now but I'm not sure we'll ever be together again as husband and wife.
What i have learned thru this whole journey is that there IS a plan. My exah didn't make a serious stab at recovery until after I left and after he had lost just about everything. I'm not naive enough to think that my leaving is what made him seek recovery...I just think it was all part of God's plan for our lives. I don't understand it anymore today than I did back then BUT...and here is the big thing...I trust God because he has turned my life around and made me whole and complete again. I have peace in my life. My son and I are happy and healthy and we have a stable home life. My ex is making steps in his recovery...and despite all of the pain and hardship, I truly believe that some wonderful things have come out of the situation no matter how bad it seemed at times.
At one point I went to a counselor and expressed the absolute GUILT I felt for divorcing my exah and the counselor asked me how I could be so sure that divorce wasn't actually part of the plan? I never thought about that. I never imagined that something like divorce...something so discouraged and looked down upon...could actually be an answer but it was for me.
Every one has to find their own way. This is a wonderful place to share your journey with people who have traveled similar paths. In the end, you owe it to yourself and to God to stay healthy...and clean. Do whatever it takes to maintain your mental and physical health and sobriety and everything else will work itself out as it should. Easier said than done...I know...but it all boils down to trusting your HP.
I'm sorry about your situation... as the exwife of an addict, I understand the questions you ask...I struggled with the same questions too...for a really long time.
I HAD to divorce my husband because of the drugs. The legal and financial implications were threatening to take me down...and I had to protect our son from the situation. My hand was forced. My heart was so heavy. The day my divorce became final was probably the LOWEST point of my life. I dropped to my knees in tears and I asked God to help me find my way out of the darkness. I totally and completely surrendered everything to Him and forced myself to trust Him. No matter how bad things seemed, I had to trust that God had a plan. And he did...he really and truly did.
Even after the divorce was final, I still felt married in the eyes of God. I may have divorced my exah legally but I still felt connected to my ex spiritually. Here I am almost three years later and I still feel a connection with him although we aren't together any more. My ex is doing alot better in his recovery now but I'm not sure we'll ever be together again as husband and wife.
What i have learned thru this whole journey is that there IS a plan. My exah didn't make a serious stab at recovery until after I left and after he had lost just about everything. I'm not naive enough to think that my leaving is what made him seek recovery...I just think it was all part of God's plan for our lives. I don't understand it anymore today than I did back then BUT...and here is the big thing...I trust God because he has turned my life around and made me whole and complete again. I have peace in my life. My son and I are happy and healthy and we have a stable home life. My ex is making steps in his recovery...and despite all of the pain and hardship, I truly believe that some wonderful things have come out of the situation no matter how bad it seemed at times.
At one point I went to a counselor and expressed the absolute GUILT I felt for divorcing my exah and the counselor asked me how I could be so sure that divorce wasn't actually part of the plan? I never thought about that. I never imagined that something like divorce...something so discouraged and looked down upon...could actually be an answer but it was for me.
Every one has to find their own way. This is a wonderful place to share your journey with people who have traveled similar paths. In the end, you owe it to yourself and to God to stay healthy...and clean. Do whatever it takes to maintain your mental and physical health and sobriety and everything else will work itself out as it should. Easier said than done...I know...but it all boils down to trusting your HP.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You know addiction. #1 don't have any of your $$, possessions, accounts, lease, etc. available for your husband to leave you in financial ruin.
#2 Due to you own history you were still attracted to the same type of man as when you were in active addiction (whether you knew he was using or not) Part of your own recovery is to try and clean up your own emtional baggage #3 A sober home is critical to your own survival in recovery #4 you are not his HP to save him
Living with lies, untrustworthiness, addiction, chaos, deception is not a healthy marriage so ask yourself why are you tolerating this???? Sounds like CHANGE is in order now.
Don't wait for a sign from God, use you good ole common sense.
#2 Due to you own history you were still attracted to the same type of man as when you were in active addiction (whether you knew he was using or not) Part of your own recovery is to try and clean up your own emtional baggage #3 A sober home is critical to your own survival in recovery #4 you are not his HP to save him
Living with lies, untrustworthiness, addiction, chaos, deception is not a healthy marriage so ask yourself why are you tolerating this???? Sounds like CHANGE is in order now.
Don't wait for a sign from God, use you good ole common sense.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Lots of great advice here! I think Spiritual Seeker put it clearly! Good luck to you. You've worked so hard for your own recovery, don't let anyone or anything interfere! You deserve truth and happiness - we all do! (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Only you have any idea what God put you down here to do. Only you know what you want to accomplish with your brief time here......what your dreams are, what good works you want to bring into the world.
Only you know these things, and only you know whether becoming a babysitter to an active, deceptive crack addict is going to help you, or hinder you, in carrying out God's plan for you. You also need to decide whether you want yourself exposed to this -- whether your own recovery is going to be endangered. I don't really see how it's going to please God if YOU are sucked back into active addiction.
If you feel staying in this relationship is best, you may wish to stop pretending you don't know, stop covering up for him, stop protecting him, and force him to face the truth: he is an addict and needs to find recovery.
Hugs, strength, and luck,
Only you have any idea what God put you down here to do. Only you know what you want to accomplish with your brief time here......what your dreams are, what good works you want to bring into the world.
Only you know these things, and only you know whether becoming a babysitter to an active, deceptive crack addict is going to help you, or hinder you, in carrying out God's plan for you. You also need to decide whether you want yourself exposed to this -- whether your own recovery is going to be endangered. I don't really see how it's going to please God if YOU are sucked back into active addiction.
If you feel staying in this relationship is best, you may wish to stop pretending you don't know, stop covering up for him, stop protecting him, and force him to face the truth: he is an addict and needs to find recovery.
Hugs, strength, and luck,
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