Can't see the blessings?
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
Can't see the blessings?
what if you never get over the hurt from growing up? Someone said to me once that if I could forget the story, I'd see the blessings" this is someone that only the day before talked about how bad they feel and wanting to drink. It hurt me that they said this, I guess I feel that I SHOULD forget the story of my growing up and forgive, but I can't. Perhaps I am a selfish victim. But I just hurt. I tried to go back to my FOO, but it didn't work. **** I feel awful.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Acoa's can't forget...that is what is different...when acoa's forget what happened to them...then the acoa repeats the sick patterns that they learned growing up.
You don't have to forget to forgive. Two different issues.
You can see the blessings without forgetting. Also, two different issues. So I guess I disagree with your friend.
Acoa's cycle back and forth between what is percieved as "beginning, middle and end" processes. This is normal for an acoa. This is still progress. As long as an acoa tries to "stuff" the past....forget it ect....the acoa finds themselves stuck in unproductive patterns: Don't Trust...Don't Feel...Don't Talk....
Check out the stickies above if you haven't already.
I see where you are coming from...I know the confusion...I see where the advice given through other 12 step or self-help groups are counterproductive to an acoa.
Maybe it is time for you to focus on your acoa recovery. It seems like you are doing this. You may have to set some boundaries with "well-meaning" friends of yours.
"I guess I feel that I SHOULD forget the story of my growing up and forgive, but I can't. Perhaps I am a selfish victim." One of the 13 characteristics: "Acoa's judge themselves without mercy." Cut yourself some slack and stop beating yourself up.
And guess what? YOU ARE the blessing! You survived your past. You are here and working on these issues.
You don't have to forget to forgive. Two different issues.
You can see the blessings without forgetting. Also, two different issues. So I guess I disagree with your friend.
Acoa's cycle back and forth between what is percieved as "beginning, middle and end" processes. This is normal for an acoa. This is still progress. As long as an acoa tries to "stuff" the past....forget it ect....the acoa finds themselves stuck in unproductive patterns: Don't Trust...Don't Feel...Don't Talk....
Check out the stickies above if you haven't already.
I see where you are coming from...I know the confusion...I see where the advice given through other 12 step or self-help groups are counterproductive to an acoa.
Maybe it is time for you to focus on your acoa recovery. It seems like you are doing this. You may have to set some boundaries with "well-meaning" friends of yours.
"I guess I feel that I SHOULD forget the story of my growing up and forgive, but I can't. Perhaps I am a selfish victim." One of the 13 characteristics: "Acoa's judge themselves without mercy." Cut yourself some slack and stop beating yourself up.
And guess what? YOU ARE the blessing! You survived your past. You are here and working on these issues.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Trying,
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
If I were in your shoes, the first thing I might do is stop giving a whole lot of weight to someone -- anyone -- who says you should forget your story. Especially someone who seems to want to talk about (and drink because of) their own story.
Half of our battle here as ACoAs is learning who not to associate with, and/or who not to listen to. Consider this a lesson learned, as regards this person.
I know how it feels to try to go back to your FOO and having it blow up, how trashed that makes you feel inside. Just as if you've just gotten into a car accident, or have just been super-sick, or just gotten injured physically, you need some time to heal from that experience and get strong again. Can you take a few days and let yourself heal up?
I am not getting better by forgetting my story. I am getting better by REWRITING my story with every minute of my waking life. And you can't do that unless you look at what was, and change it here, now, today.
For example: I was put in situations that were abusive and horribly unsafe. I make sure now that I am safe, and I don't let anyone abuse me in any way (heaven help them if they try). I was never treated with anything resembling respect or tenderness, and so I treat myself tenderly now, and (going back to your friend above) don't spend ANY time with people who are not capable of respecting me. I am not a particularly brave or smart person.......these are just small decisions, taken minute by minute, that keep adding up like pennies in the piggybank.
Does any of that make sense? I so wish and hope for you to be able to look at your "old" story, the one forced on you, and know that you are rewriting it all for yourself. Only how YOU want it, this time.
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
If I were in your shoes, the first thing I might do is stop giving a whole lot of weight to someone -- anyone -- who says you should forget your story. Especially someone who seems to want to talk about (and drink because of) their own story.
Half of our battle here as ACoAs is learning who not to associate with, and/or who not to listen to. Consider this a lesson learned, as regards this person.
I know how it feels to try to go back to your FOO and having it blow up, how trashed that makes you feel inside. Just as if you've just gotten into a car accident, or have just been super-sick, or just gotten injured physically, you need some time to heal from that experience and get strong again. Can you take a few days and let yourself heal up?
I am not getting better by forgetting my story. I am getting better by REWRITING my story with every minute of my waking life. And you can't do that unless you look at what was, and change it here, now, today.
For example: I was put in situations that were abusive and horribly unsafe. I make sure now that I am safe, and I don't let anyone abuse me in any way (heaven help them if they try). I was never treated with anything resembling respect or tenderness, and so I treat myself tenderly now, and (going back to your friend above) don't spend ANY time with people who are not capable of respecting me. I am not a particularly brave or smart person.......these are just small decisions, taken minute by minute, that keep adding up like pennies in the piggybank.
Does any of that make sense? I so wish and hope for you to be able to look at your "old" story, the one forced on you, and know that you are rewriting it all for yourself. Only how YOU want it, this time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
trying. so much love to u right now just as you are.
i wouldnt say i "get over" the hurt of my past but i learn to manage the effects of my past experiences. i honour and value my past experiences and getting on the forgive and forget bandwagon because x + y = z has mostly meant denial. if im pissed off, im pissed off. if im sad, im sad. a huge part of healing and self love for me has been accepting my past, accepting my self. accepting my power, accepting my worth, knowing my worth.
i have come to learn to place more power in what i think and believe and to live by it, even if im wrong, it means i can take ownership, i am not anyones victim. when i went to alanon they told me there was no shoulds. shoulda coulda wouldas aside. recovery work has helped me to see myself as a fine human being with choices and the power of decision who is cared about.
forgiveness for me is not something i do, its a byproduct of loving myself and no longer wanting to be a vessel of pain. its about me and making myself feel good. people see that as selfish in me because i dont think our culture supports us to nurture our spiritual hungers healthily. dio what u gotta do to process.
for me , as long i keep boundaries i do what i gotta do, even if its running in the rain screaming or crying for a month. for me if things are moving in some direction and i m feeling like im growing im going ok. the steps have opened me up to choice.
i wouldnt say i "get over" the hurt of my past but i learn to manage the effects of my past experiences. i honour and value my past experiences and getting on the forgive and forget bandwagon because x + y = z has mostly meant denial. if im pissed off, im pissed off. if im sad, im sad. a huge part of healing and self love for me has been accepting my past, accepting my self. accepting my power, accepting my worth, knowing my worth.
i have come to learn to place more power in what i think and believe and to live by it, even if im wrong, it means i can take ownership, i am not anyones victim. when i went to alanon they told me there was no shoulds. shoulda coulda wouldas aside. recovery work has helped me to see myself as a fine human being with choices and the power of decision who is cared about.
forgiveness for me is not something i do, its a byproduct of loving myself and no longer wanting to be a vessel of pain. its about me and making myself feel good. people see that as selfish in me because i dont think our culture supports us to nurture our spiritual hungers healthily. dio what u gotta do to process.
for me , as long i keep boundaries i do what i gotta do, even if its running in the rain screaming or crying for a month. for me if things are moving in some direction and i m feeling like im growing im going ok. the steps have opened me up to choice.
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
But what if someone else has had just as a traumatic experience growing up, but mananged to have no guilt or regrets once their FOO passed on? that their reasoning is that they worked their prog and got out of self. I have no reply for that. I did try to mend fences, but it didn't work and I do feel full of guilt. I know I only have this persons word for how they feel, I mean perhaps they act out their guilt in other ways, perhaps they did manage to get out of "self" , why do I feel like I am a moaning selfish bitch, I mean if I am full of guilt that can't be right either. I feel I should do more, but what if one tried their best and that still didn't work, why can some seem to ride above it and others not. I am so fed up with this crap.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Everybody is different, Trying, and gets better on their own timetable and their own terms.
You just can't compare yourself to someone else when it comes to this stuff.
Maybe they really did get over it quickly.
Maybe they really didn't, and want to drink to make it go away
Maybe somebody else will take 20 years (like me)
Maybe someone else never will find the right way
Maybe you will be fine next week, next month, next year, if you just keep working on it piece by piece.
You see how you'll drive yourself mad trying to decide what's "right" ?? -- you can't make all the pieces fit nicely together like a jigsaw puzzle. Recovery doesn't work that way.
All you have is you. And all you have is today, and tomorrow, and your own two feet to keep taking careful steps forward.
Lots of people who are in recovery, or who don't understand, don't really want to hear us talk about our pain every single day. That's just the way things are.
It sounds to me like your friend wants you to stop talking about your past. It doesn't mean you should or shouldn't. It just means THEY want you to, and you have the power to decide whether to do that, whether to be around them or not.
They do not get to pass judgment on you.
You just can't compare yourself to someone else when it comes to this stuff.
Maybe they really did get over it quickly.
Maybe they really didn't, and want to drink to make it go away
Maybe somebody else will take 20 years (like me)
Maybe someone else never will find the right way
Maybe you will be fine next week, next month, next year, if you just keep working on it piece by piece.
You see how you'll drive yourself mad trying to decide what's "right" ?? -- you can't make all the pieces fit nicely together like a jigsaw puzzle. Recovery doesn't work that way.
All you have is you. And all you have is today, and tomorrow, and your own two feet to keep taking careful steps forward.
Lots of people who are in recovery, or who don't understand, don't really want to hear us talk about our pain every single day. That's just the way things are.
It sounds to me like your friend wants you to stop talking about your past. It doesn't mean you should or shouldn't. It just means THEY want you to, and you have the power to decide whether to do that, whether to be around them or not.
They do not get to pass judgment on you.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Lots of people who are in recovery, or who don't understand, don't really want to hear us talk about our pain every single day. That's just the way things are.
It sounds to me like your friend wants you to stop talking about your past. It doesn't mean you should or shouldn't. It just means THEY want you to, and you have the power to decide whether to do that, whether to be around them or not.
They do not get to pass judgment on you.
It sounds to me like your friend wants you to stop talking about your past. It doesn't mean you should or shouldn't. It just means THEY want you to, and you have the power to decide whether to do that, whether to be around them or not.
They do not get to pass judgment on you.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I am starting my recovery over myself Trying. I hope there is hope for me?!?!
I know there is hope for both of us...we are recovering. Just like my friend GiveLove told me once, "You just need to cut yourself some slack here."
I know there is hope for both of us...we are recovering. Just like my friend GiveLove told me once, "You just need to cut yourself some slack here."
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I went through that thought process all my life until someone here told me that I will NEVER hear the apology I so desperately want from my mother, so just how was I going to live now?
It opened my eyes and jerked me awake.
I won't ever hear it. Might as well get over it and move on.
It opened my eyes and jerked me awake.
I won't ever hear it. Might as well get over it and move on.
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
what have I learnt the last couple of days? That what ever I do or have done in life are my choices, they may not be right, but there mine none_the_less and that sometimes doing the right thing maybe for wrong reasons, and doing the wrong thing maybe for right reasons? On the day of judgement I know there will be more to be taken into consideration then just one failed relationship.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
what if you never get over the hurt from growing up?
When we stub our toe, do we spend forever hurting and not move forward in life? When we break a bone, do we decide that our life is over and there will never be joy again?
Being softly blunt here, it is unlikely that you will ever get over the hurt. "Recovery" doesn't mean that everything will be all better and the sins of the pasts will cease to exist. It means that every day we wake up and go about our business, we make a conscious decision to ACT on our lives, rather than REacting to the past. We decide that, while we were hurt, we will not allow the people who hurt us to continue hurting us day after day even when we have little or no contact with the person. We decide that we are going lead the type of life that we choose to lead, not the type of life that someone else once forced us to lead.
I recently lost someone very dear to my heart. He was part of my family of choice. He had many reasons to wallow in despair, and yet he never did. He didn't allow his circumstances to dictate who he was going to be and how he was going to live. Instead, he *chose* how he was going to exist in the world. A better role model, I couldn't have asked for.
Each day you get up, you have options. Every day that you live, you choose how you are going to live, whether consciously or subconsciously - no matter what happened the day before or the week before or years before. Each day we wake up, we are given a new opportunity to be different.
Carpe Diem.
4th star on the Right.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England.
Posts: 73
Ginger, I agree in the perfect world. It seems there's a process for change though, its not something you suddenly wake up too, well you do when the day has arrived that the change has taken place, and part of change is the working through, is the becoming aware. If we just changed with no working through, there'd be nothing to learn from. I think I am working through at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keep working through, Trying.
But remember: it is not the 'working through' that changes your daily choices.
It's your daily choices that help you work through.
How you act WILL help you to heal, even if it feels like you're play-acting at first (we all did)
Don't wait until you "have it all worked out" before you change how you act, what you say, how you treat yourself. It is DOING the right things that changes your feelings -- just as smiling, even when you don't really feel like it, changes your brain chemistry for the better, or exercising makes you feel relaxed and happy even if you didn't want to do it. That may seem backward, but science proves that it's true.
Take care of yourself better than any of them ever did, and you will find that it starts mattering less and less what they did -- or didn't do --
But remember: it is not the 'working through' that changes your daily choices.
It's your daily choices that help you work through.
How you act WILL help you to heal, even if it feels like you're play-acting at first (we all did)
Don't wait until you "have it all worked out" before you change how you act, what you say, how you treat yourself. It is DOING the right things that changes your feelings -- just as smiling, even when you don't really feel like it, changes your brain chemistry for the better, or exercising makes you feel relaxed and happy even if you didn't want to do it. That may seem backward, but science proves that it's true.
Take care of yourself better than any of them ever did, and you will find that it starts mattering less and less what they did -- or didn't do --
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"I tried to go back to my FOO, but it didn't work. **** I feel awful.
I did try to mend fences, but it didn't work and I do feel full of guilt.
...what ever I do or have done in life are my choices, they may not be right, but there mine none_the_less and that sometimes doing the right thing maybe for wrong reasons, and doing the wrong thing maybe for right reasons? On the day of judgement I know there will be more to be taken into consideration then just one failed relationship."
Trying...I have noticed the words that you have chosen and I think you might consider forgiving yourself first. I know this is one of the hardest things I have had to do and am still doing.
Imagine a child...a child who you don't know personally...but she comes up to you and tells you her life story up to date. You realize this child has gone/or is going through what you went through....
How would you treat her? Would you lay a guilt trip on her? Would you tell her, "Look...you are failing at your relationships...Better tighten up..." Would you tell her she should feel awful about how she reacted to abuse? Would you tell her she didn't try hard enough? Would you tell her that what she tried to do simply didn't work? Would you tell her that she is "sometimes doing the right thing maybe for wrong reasons, and doing the wrong thing maybe for right reasons?" Would you tell a teenager with your story, the same?
Or is it more likely, that you would give her a hug...tell her you know what she is going through...comfort her and have compassion for her? Would you tell her that she didn't cause it...she can't control it...and she can't cure it?....the disease or the relationship? Would you tell her that it takes two to be in a relationship and it takes two to fail? Would you tell her that her family of origin is failing her?
What would you tell this beautiful...trusting child who is doing the very best she knows how with what she has to work with? This child who is being neglected all along the way...
What if this child begged you to help her....to love her....to accept her...to be kind to her...
Recovery wants you to help her.
I did try to mend fences, but it didn't work and I do feel full of guilt.
...what ever I do or have done in life are my choices, they may not be right, but there mine none_the_less and that sometimes doing the right thing maybe for wrong reasons, and doing the wrong thing maybe for right reasons? On the day of judgement I know there will be more to be taken into consideration then just one failed relationship."
Trying...I have noticed the words that you have chosen and I think you might consider forgiving yourself first. I know this is one of the hardest things I have had to do and am still doing.
Imagine a child...a child who you don't know personally...but she comes up to you and tells you her life story up to date. You realize this child has gone/or is going through what you went through....
How would you treat her? Would you lay a guilt trip on her? Would you tell her, "Look...you are failing at your relationships...Better tighten up..." Would you tell her she should feel awful about how she reacted to abuse? Would you tell her she didn't try hard enough? Would you tell her that what she tried to do simply didn't work? Would you tell her that she is "sometimes doing the right thing maybe for wrong reasons, and doing the wrong thing maybe for right reasons?" Would you tell a teenager with your story, the same?
Or is it more likely, that you would give her a hug...tell her you know what she is going through...comfort her and have compassion for her? Would you tell her that she didn't cause it...she can't control it...and she can't cure it?....the disease or the relationship? Would you tell her that it takes two to be in a relationship and it takes two to fail? Would you tell her that her family of origin is failing her?
What would you tell this beautiful...trusting child who is doing the very best she knows how with what she has to work with? This child who is being neglected all along the way...
What if this child begged you to help her....to love her....to accept her...to be kind to her...
Recovery wants you to help her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
GiveLove did an excellent job explaining what I was trying to get across.
Each day we work a little closer to where we want to be. None of us woke up one day and said "I think I'll be completely different today". We woke up and said "I don't want to be this way anymore, so today I'll take a step in a different direction, no matter how big or small that step is."
Some of us have taken big steps all at once. Some of us had to take a whole lot of little steps. What matters is that each day we do something different, even if it turns out to be the wrong kind of different, for we learn from our mistakes more clearly than we learn from our successes (or maybe that's just me
).
As long as we think about what we're doing, and make the choices consciously, then we make progress. Most of my progress was only seen in hindsight, I couldn't see it at the time.
Each day we work a little closer to where we want to be. None of us woke up one day and said "I think I'll be completely different today". We woke up and said "I don't want to be this way anymore, so today I'll take a step in a different direction, no matter how big or small that step is."
Some of us have taken big steps all at once. Some of us had to take a whole lot of little steps. What matters is that each day we do something different, even if it turns out to be the wrong kind of different, for we learn from our mistakes more clearly than we learn from our successes (or maybe that's just me
).As long as we think about what we're doing, and make the choices consciously, then we make progress. Most of my progress was only seen in hindsight, I couldn't see it at the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
Trying.,
I've found that if you don't accept what happened and explore it from the perspective of "This is what I felt and this is why," self-transformation doesn't really happen.
If you're worried about being a bad person by exploring your past and blaming others, I have one thing that you could just try and see how it worked: Suspend that judgment. Indulge yourself.
When I look back at my past and say, "Wow, I was tense all the time, and it's probably because of my ******, unpredictable, tense household that had two parents that hated each other, and at least one of them that drank so much that her personality changed every night," I notice that a lot of problems that tug my life in all directions just evaporated. They don't have the same weight; I realize where my issues came from; I realize that all this tension in my lifetime hasn't been because there was something physically or emotionally wrong with me; so I relax. I have strength in myself. I don't need other people to tell me that everything's okay -- because I know everything's okay.
In order to keep my recovery rolling on the amazing path it's going on, I'm doing the following:
- Making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in ACoA issues.
- Read the book Procrastination by Jane B. Burka to deal with perfectionism and procrastination issues -- this book actually led me to realize my ACoA roots!! _Highly_ recommended!
- Reading the book The Now Habit to reward myself for the work I do, and to help me with things I want to get done. Before reading this book, I didn't realize what a slave-driver I was with myself. Now I feel much more fulfilled in my work, give myself little breaks and rewards, and am happier and calmer.
- Reading ACoA books such as It Will Never Happen To Me!
- Opening myself up completely to my supportive, loving girlfriend. I find that telling people about these issues suddenly lifts all the "dirtiness" right off of them, and I feel like a more complete, less-burdened person!
Anyway, things to think about. I hope some of it helped!
I've found that if you don't accept what happened and explore it from the perspective of "This is what I felt and this is why," self-transformation doesn't really happen.
If you're worried about being a bad person by exploring your past and blaming others, I have one thing that you could just try and see how it worked: Suspend that judgment. Indulge yourself.
When I look back at my past and say, "Wow, I was tense all the time, and it's probably because of my ******, unpredictable, tense household that had two parents that hated each other, and at least one of them that drank so much that her personality changed every night," I notice that a lot of problems that tug my life in all directions just evaporated. They don't have the same weight; I realize where my issues came from; I realize that all this tension in my lifetime hasn't been because there was something physically or emotionally wrong with me; so I relax. I have strength in myself. I don't need other people to tell me that everything's okay -- because I know everything's okay.
In order to keep my recovery rolling on the amazing path it's going on, I'm doing the following:
- Making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in ACoA issues.
- Read the book Procrastination by Jane B. Burka to deal with perfectionism and procrastination issues -- this book actually led me to realize my ACoA roots!! _Highly_ recommended!
- Reading the book The Now Habit to reward myself for the work I do, and to help me with things I want to get done. Before reading this book, I didn't realize what a slave-driver I was with myself. Now I feel much more fulfilled in my work, give myself little breaks and rewards, and am happier and calmer.
- Reading ACoA books such as It Will Never Happen To Me!
- Opening myself up completely to my supportive, loving girlfriend. I find that telling people about these issues suddenly lifts all the "dirtiness" right off of them, and I feel like a more complete, less-burdened person!
Anyway, things to think about. I hope some of it helped!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
Made a decision.........care of.....key words for me in step 3.
also. i have come to a point to look on the good things. i let go of my fam and theyve come back to me in a whole new way. not all of them, not the perpetraitor. i cant put it into words. but hand it over. trust.
trying....i am sorry what happened to you and i send you my love, i dont know u of course but my soul knows yours.so with u. x
also. i have come to a point to look on the good things. i let go of my fam and theyve come back to me in a whole new way. not all of them, not the perpetraitor. i cant put it into words. but hand it over. trust.
trying....i am sorry what happened to you and i send you my love, i dont know u of course but my soul knows yours.so with u. x
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