Nikki2003

And I have no idea what to expect. Just like I said I never went up on Sunday. Though his dad did and so did 3 of his cousins. One of them had actually gone to that same treatment center several years ago and is doing great today. His parents let me know that he seemed to be doing great. And when he calls the phone calls are very pleasant.

He says he misses us a lot. Says he loves us and so on. I know I miss him and so do the kids. But I feel so torn. Part of me can't wait till he gets home and part of me is dreading it because I have no idea what to expect. I have my cousling session this Wednesday, the day before he comes home. I am hoping she can help me get on the right track.

I just feels so clueless right now. He is making all these plans for this spring and summer, family reunions, camping, having relatives over. Even going ice fishing with his cousins in the coming weeks. I feel like to him none of the past 8 months has happened. When he calls it is all about what he is planning to do with us or the kids or with his relatives. I would love to know where the money for all this is coming from. But i keep my mouth shut while he talks about it because he seems so excited and it is good clean fun.

Am I just crazy or mean or a Nag or something? Should I just forget the past and join him in what he is doing. And when he gets out act like nothing happened? I don't think I can do that. I know he could. But I can't.

I just don't know what to expect or what to do or what I am expected to do.
Nikki

hello-kitty

Nagging is not going to do anything but give him an excuse to use. He knows what to do. Now he knows how to do it. There are no excuses. He must do this himself. Take care of yourself and the children and do not enable him. You will know soon enough how things are going to work out. Expectations are future resentments. That's why you need to focus on yourself.

I wouldn't put too much faith in plans for the future like vacation etc. My ex did that too. Recovery takes daily commitment. He is early in recovery. He has lots of work he needs to do TODAY on himself before any of that can come true. I would just smile and nodd. That's what I would do for my ex. Smile and nodd.

And stick to your boundaries. No matter what.

grateful2b

Nope, not crazy, not mean or a nag. I would be feeling pretty much the same way you are right now. I would be anxious and intimadated if my h , the one who was abusive, manipulative such a week ago was coming home pretending it didn't happen.He is pretending like it never happened. His choice. What are you gonna do? I'm glad you are seeing someone before he comes. You need a plan, need to be resolute in your boundaries and you need to keep reminding yourself that what happened for you is real and your feelings and experiences about all of it are valid, irreguardless of how he chooses to play it or remember it. Try and stay in the moment, stand firm , and try an anticipate, eyes wide open...hugs,
grateful

hope213

i think all of us that have or had someone come home from rehab is nervous about it. we have our hopes but they have let us down so many times. leave his recovery to him. let him make these plans, they are goals even if they are not carried through. work your recovery & remember that this is a one day at a time program. prayers for you & both.

Omega Man

Nikki - I think it's fairly common for us in recovery to focus on the future and making it better, call it making up for lost time.
There's nothing we can do about the past, all the mistakes we made, the people we hurt and let down.
I know you can't forget the past and he won't either, but if he sits around and dwells on how much damage he's done then he's not moving forward in his recovery.
Let him be excited about the future, he's seeing the possibilites through clear eyes, he might be unrealistic about all the things he's planning but that will slow down.
Hopefully he now has the tools to deal with life clean and sober. If he's working a recovery program, he will be making amends to you someday.

Nikki2003

Thanks everyone. I am not looking to get involved in his recovery process. This is his business. The only involvement i will have in that is the drug tests I will have done and the couples counsling we will be doing together. And I am not looking for him to make amends either to me. Besides in counsling. I just want him to be realistic is all. We are way over our heads in debt right now. He has no job and I don't either. My doctor is trying to get me on permant disability but that won't bring in much. I am glad he is setting goals. Really I am. And I am glad they are healthy ones. I just want him to look at things realistically.

I don't know. My head is so muddled. With all the stuff that he has done and put this family through the past some many months I don't know if we are coming or going. Just the past two weeks has sent me spinning. I barely have had time to catch my breath. I guess I am wondering what is next. Because it seems like since all this started back in the summer that it has been one thing after another without pause or time for me to catch up.

I feel like I am babbling agian.

Nikki

hello-kitty

Amends are part of recovery process. If we (addicts) don't bring closure to the events of our past and at the very least, say sorry for being such jerks when we were using, it's hard to forgive ourselves and move forward.

You will know very quickly once your husband gets out, whether or not he is truly done using drugs. So for a while, I hope you will keep a watchful eye. You can be encouraging. But you don't have to be gullible.

Addicts are big dreamers. Then they get frustrated because they have to work to hard to achieve those dreams. That's what happened with my ex. He was so excited when he got out. He was going to do this and do that. But then he had to work. And then he was complaining that his job was boring and his boss was a jerk. And so on and so forth. Before you know it he was out drinking with his buddies after work (BIG WARNING SIGN!). Then he was getting high again and so on and so forth...

Addicts need to learn how to deal with the little things in life before we start planning vacations from them. Things like how to hold down a job when your boss is a jerk, and how to deal with screaming kids when all you want to do is escape from reality for a little while. An example of a goal would be getting a job and paying down your debt. An example of a dream would be going on vacation for the summer.

Disaster preparedness is so important. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst...

grateful2b

Yes, it has been a stressful time for you.........sounds like if you could find some ways to release this built up anxiety and stress, you'd be in a better place to be able to work your program and let him work his.Someone just for you that you can work through some of this anxiety and stress with? A therapist at a community health centre, perhaps.......hugs,
grateful

Ann

Nikki, you can't change a minute of the past, and worrying about the future won't change the outcome. Don't lose all the joy in today looking too far back or too far ahead.

Take care of yourself, set your boundaries and then just take it all one day at a time. You'll be okay no matter how it goes, so maybe just enjoy the good days.

Hugs