obsessed

At the beginning of this hell I never said the word addict!! It never crossed my mind that MY daughter was an addict but you know it is so strange but now I just kinda look at a person and say moy daughter is addicted to meth!! They in turn don't say a word or an occasional Oh, I'm sorry!!! I guess I think that it so normal in a screwed up way in my life that everybody understands!! I have not heard from Lauren at this point and to be honest, I can't tell you if I want to or not. I have realized that there is a thin line between love and hate!! I usually cry for a day or so after she leaves but I have not shed a tear this time and since I live with my grandmother I am very limited on handling the situation but I told my mother last night that I did not want her to come back home this time and she said if you turn her away she is going to go right back over there but THIS TIME she will be turned away until she decides she wants long term rehab. This has got to stop and should have been stopped months ago!! It pisses me off that I look like a fool, believing all her lies!!!

grateful2b

(((((Obsessed))))))))
don't be so hard on yourself... we've all been there, there done that. My turning point in my own codie recovery was finally accepting that truth with my eyes wide open. We mourn what was our beautiful child.....its a process...but when we are ready to see 'where' they really are now, and be in the truth of that, it becomes easy to find the strength to love them and let them find theirs.
and be in a more powerful place of change for their sake and ours......
grateful

mooselips

obsessed,
Progrss, not perfection, remember?
It takes us time, sometimes little baby steps until we can deal with the choas and look at things subjectively.

You're doing good, coming up with boundaries, and detaching slowly with love.

I agree about the thin line between love and hate. I hate the disease, but still love my son, the addict.

Hope you're attending meetings, cause they help us so much!

Hugs,

historyteach

(((Obsessed)))

I have spent many wasted hours, days, weeks and months being pissed off at my son for his lies and actions while under the influence. And I've found it's wasted energy. Learning to detach with love is a life saver for me. Alanon/naranon and SR is how I learned to do that detaching. The energy I saved is much better spent taking care of myself.

Don't get me wrong. I'm human, and I do falter. But, I catch it quicker and learn to let it go quicker too. Afterall, I've got better things to do with my life that to waste it on things I didn't cause, can't control and can't change.

You've taken a HUGH first step in admitting your daughter is an addict. It's a tough step to take. Congratulations! Believe me, it just keeps getting better in recovery.

Shalom!

SoberAndy

You're taking the right steps. Make it clear she can come home only if she's willing to get into a serious recovery program. Put a new lock on the door if you need to. Remember, she may choose the street over recovery. If she does, it's her choice, but you will have done everything you could.

Meanwhile, please attend al anon or a similar program for families of addicts. You need to learn to let go. She has to decide for herself that she wants to recover. Addicts will manipulate you and take you on a wild emotional roller coaster ride if you let them. You need to learn to disconnect.

The three major tenets of al anon are:

I didn't cause it.

I can't cure it.

I can't control it.

caileesnana

I'm sorry you are hurting today and I'm sorry Lauren hasn't hit bottom yet. I too hate the word "addict' and just within the last year been able to identfy her with that word. It is hard to swallow, but I think for us moms (parents, Lake!) when we get to the point we can say it (we know and have fought it for months/years) we are beginning our own recovery.

To me, in the beginning, there was nothing worse in my mind than a drug addict. Today, I know better. I know good, decent people who have recovered and bring me hope and happiness. I also learned we are all struggling through this life together, some in one way some in another. Why our daughters? Still no idea, but we are not alone and we can make a difference in this fight. YOu never know what you say or do that might make the world of diffference in someones life. I pray Lauren bumps into and is "touched by an angel" soon.

thoughts and prayers are w/ you
susan

havehope

(((obsessed)))
Sending some mom hugs your way. After the first time I said my daughter was an addict, I think it just rols out of my mouth now. It is what it is. It hurts, but that is what she is. I am proud of you for setting some boundries, and knowing she will probably complain about it. I told my daughter that my recovery has taught me to have boundries and I will now stick to them. If that means me not seeing my daughter, (she said, if you do that then I just will never see you), then that is part of the consequences for bth of us. It is so tough, I know.
Hugs to you; be strong!

grateful2b

sorry, meant to say it becomes 'easier'

marle

My daughter started messing around with cocaine and opiates when she was 18. I was in full denial. Thought that taking away her car and threatening her would work. It did for about a month. Then she started again and that is the time that I spent 6 months drug testing her while still denying that she was an addict. I even paid for her to have liposuction knowing that they would give her pain killers. Still I denied that she was an addict. She relapsed after the surgery and then went into rehab. She stayed 5 days and I thought that would be enough of a scare to set her straight. It was not until she took up with the crack addict that was 17 years older than she was that I started thinking of her as an addict. I now know that she is after losing her dog (I took him), her family, college, car, job, looks, etc. that there is no doubt that she is an addict. But you know what? That is when I started to really take care of me and let her go. It was not immediate. I still thought that somehow I could save her. But I did start to take baby steps to help myself. Maybe that is where you are. Don't be afraid of the anger or even feeling like you hate your daughter. That too shall pass when you have worked through it. Sending hugs and prayers, Marle

bookmiser

((((((Obsessed))))))



Prayers and support from me to you tonight,
Linda

BigSis

No foolish than the rest of us. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It affects everyone it touches.

I wish you the best and pray your daughter can find what she needs... soon.


((hugs))

SoberAndy

If you think the word "addict" is hard to admit, try "heroin addict" or "junkie". I'm still not sure that step-daughter's mom can admit to the last one.

When I was in high school and college, I smoked pot and I was in rooms where people did cocaine, though I never did. I didn't know anyone that used heroin and certainly no one that shot drugs. Out in the suburbs, we believed that only happened in the city.

We thought that addiction, especially to the harder drugs, only happened to people far away from us. We were wrong and today it's happening more than ever. The stats show that alcohol and drug abuse shot through the roof on college campuses in the '80s before leveling off in the '90s. Those of us that grew up before that grew up in a different world.

sleepygoat

It's a lot easier to love them when they don't live with you.

I also find it helpful to avoid expectations of any kind. If she's says "I'll call you tomorrow at 3 pm" I have learned if I expect that, I'll be pissed when she doesn't (they usually don't do anything they say they will anyway, so if she does something good or follows through on anything, I'm pleasantly surprised instead of constantly disappointed)

justjo

Obsessed, you are not a fool believing the lies! This sounds just like me and my son. We just want to believe. Believe that it will be ok someday. After all these years I still want to believe and have faith that he will get his life back. Amazingly, he is really trying right now and Im not sure why or if or when or if ever. All I know is that I need to keep my faith in him somehow and keep telling him I love him. You may stop crying once you realize that this is your daughters current path, not yours and it is not your fault. She will learn her path eventually one way or the other and thats all we can hope. We all have dreams for our children and their happiness, its just waiting for them to grow up in our own minds, if you know what I mean.
Good luck with your daughter.

ctrom40

Obsessed,

I don't think that you are stupid, just being a hopeful mom.

The word addict is an ugly word, with ugly connotations.
But honey, it is what it is!

Sending more mom hugs,
Colleen

BBD

Hi Obsessed, Don't feel bad. You probably have a room of people here that couldn't ever say that word. I know better but still don't say it outloud. My son's been doing cocaine for years and I just thought it was a casual thing that he could get over...WRONGG!!!!!! I was the blind one. He's now gone through rehab, doing meetings and I'm still waiting for the next shoe to drop. This is so difficult but I'm learning. Therapy and alanon for me and hopefully a smarter mind if I ever need it. No more codependant Bonnie!!!!! ( I hope~ I hope))))) Big hugs hon, Bonnie

rahsue

Your a good mom!
We've all been (and are ) right there with you, it's so hard isn't it?!
Brush yourself off and be proud of yourself for your boundaries. Good job!