Lilyflower

I am just going to write about what I have learnt recently and discovered about where the root of my issues lay. It is important for me to get this out of my mind where it is going around in circles and I am puzzling over putting it all together. For that reason, this may not be flowing and coherent!

I had my codependancy for a long time before I met my abf. For me it has little to do with living with an A, that is just a symptom. My problems began in my childhood. I am learning that my mother is a huge codependant, although she does not see it, and my father has traits too although not as severe.

I was my mum's dependant for years and as an adult graduated to being a codie, it was all I knew. She constantly 'fixed' me, my problems, my life. Whenever I have had a problem in my life, mum and dad have always come to the rescue, so much so that I didn't know how to rescue myself, I felt I was incapable of solving a problem alone, I needed someone else to help me, all the time. They also told me repeatedly that I was too opinionated. As I grew up and tried to take control of my life they constantly undermined me, their way was always better than mine, even years later when raising my daughter. I began shrinking into myself almost afraid to voice my concerns/opinions because it always inevitably lead to an arguement. Besides I felt no one cared for my thoughts. I would quite often speak when my family was having a conversation and no one would acknowledge me. I would simply be ignored and would often just sit back and drop out of the group dynamic completely. I always felt the personalities in my home were big, I felt anxious about opposing anyones ideas, and felt I was never heard and not always wanted around. I threw myself into my school work. I was a great student and left school with excellent exam results, went to college and then onto a degree, but still I didn't feel any self worth, I was simply trying to avoid my pain. I was always the agressor. I was always blamed for an arguement starting. As a teenager, I was once told by my mum that I was the cause of all the upset and heartache within my family, and that they no longer wanted to see me anymore. I believed what she said. I really did start to believe and still have trouble with the thought that I am the runt of my family. My sister can do no wrong in my parents eyes, and I always felt my personality was compared to hers.

Around this time I hit an all time low, I attended counselling. I told my parents I was going. Big mistake, my mum told me she didn't want me to go, she was jealous of my counsellor because I would talk to her about my home life. She wanted to know what she had done wrong and would cry, all the time I would feel guilty about going because I didn't want to hurt her.In the end I stopped going, much to my mum's delight.

As the years have gone on I have been prescribed anti depressants, and the 'label' of my 'unstable mind' has been constantly thrown in my face by my parents.

Now I am taking a futher step towards healing myself and what do you think, I am meeting resistance from my mother again. At times it feels as though she wants the dynamics to stay as they are because then she still gets her 'fix'. I cannot live that way anymore. At the moment she refuses to contimplate her role in my codependancy. I no longer want to discuss it with her. I am finding it difficult at the moment because when I am in her presence I shrink back into myself again, I self doubt and all the old feelings surface. I don't wish to distance myself from her, but for now I think it is the best thing to do. I don't feel strong enough.

Thank you for reading through this, it was good to get that off my chest.

Lily xxxxxxxx

Miss Pink

I identify with you so much...I was HUGELY dependant on my mother and she was HUGELY dependant on my father and quite a coide to us kids.

You are inspiring, and I wish you continued success in your journey to heal. As you change yourself, you change your world around you....and that includes parents. Your mom will soon accept your newness....and who knows, she may grow from it as a result!

Barbara52

What a great thing, to begin to understand yourself and the whys of your life! That is a wonderful step to truly becoming a healthier you.

Lilyflower

Thank you so much Miss Pink and Barbara. Sometimes I feel that thinking about all this is just 'dragging up the past' and focusing on the badness I have felt. Recently I have learnt that I need to go back there within my mind to heal myself. It is so painful. Suprisingly, abf has been wonderfully supportive of my growth, I am beginning to really appreciate the goodness around me, instead of dwelling on the hurt.

Lily xxxxxxxxx

ICU

That's some awesome self awareness and growth there Lilyflower.

Many of the times I tried to do the same for myself, I was told that I'm an adult now, grow up and quit blaming everybody else for your problems.

Maybe to some degree or another I was trying to blame, but the real issue was 'trying to understand' why I was the way I was. Like you said, some of the issues in my life were symptoms....I don't like treating the symptoms, I like to go for the 'root' of the problem.

I think you're doing great on your journey!

Barbara52

I too have heard the bits about dragging up the past and looking to balme someone for my problems. I see it as finally gaining some understanding about just how my childhood and past life choices made me who I am and finally taking responsibility by finding out how to learn from the past and make my future what I want it to be. Without gainingthe understanding of the whys I think I have little chance to figure out how to undo some of those whys and transform me more fully to a healthy rather than damaged person.

Lilyflower

For a long time I just tried to put the past behind me and get on with life as best I could and make the most of things. I was always brought up to think that as bad as I think things are for me, alot of people have it worse. I still don't think its healthy to look back and use the past as an excuse for present day behaviours. I personally wouldn't say 'Well such and such happened to me in the past and thats why I'm like this now'... with a mind set that I could never change. It seems that we all are told that going into the past isn't a good thing (opening old wounds), but in recovery, I think its necessary for understanding and using as a spring board to a better way of thinking.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

ccirider

Peace and serenity be upon you Lily:

Thank you for your kindness in the past. In recovery, we are not opening old wounds, but rather going back to old wounds that never became scars. We never processed those feelings properly from our childhood because, as children, we simply lacked the maturity and skills to do so. As a result, we are walking around in life carrying a lot of baggage from our childhood into our adult relationships.

Lilyflower

Hi CC, Its good to see you posting again. Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I don't see my own growth, then I will post something that is floating around in my mind and the replies I get point out to me that I am in fact finding my way through the mud!

I believe this is true also, you have managed to convey what I was having difficulty saying!

Also this baggage can lead us to behave in a predetermined way when we meet a certain senario. When I feel that someone in my life is hurting me, I am predisposed to fall back on my 'learned' coping mechanisms, ie being angry, resentful, withdrawing or attempting to control. I am attempting to be watchful of my mind, to stop myself in my tracks before I act out in these unhealthy ways. I am trying to teach myself new mechanisms that lead me to handle a previously uncomfortable situation in a healthy way, such as realising that any emotions that rise within me are my own, and originate within myself because of myself. I am choosing to act in a loving way to myself, without fear, control, resentment etc and learn from each situation about my thought process, my reactions and how these can lead to further suffering in my life.

It is difficult, I don't always catch myself on time, and blunder out verbal nonsense in order to control. Sometimes when I am very upset, I cannot see through the fog that clouds my mind, and my pain leads me to verbally attack another through critising or petty point scoring.

What I am finding is that these incidences are becoming fewer. Most of the time I am able to remain patient, even if I cannot see through my pain, and at least walk away from situations that aggrevate me. I usually find that once I am calm I can think clearly again and pin point where communication broke down and my role in that.

It's a long process, but this is the most enjoyable education I have ever had. I have alot more depth and layers than I ever believed I had!

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

cagefree

Lilly - you completely described my life. Now that XABF is no longer a part of my life, I am trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my codependent parents, which is a challenge in itself, but good practice none the less.

I love your insight, which is a gift in recovery

Lilyflower

Thank you Cagefree. I am glad you can relate to my posts because it is always nice to know there is someone out there struggling in the same way I am, who can share their experiences with me, and we can help each other along the way.

I like to be as open as I can about my journey, I am honest about all my faults because I like to think that there are those out there reading who may see something I've put down and find they can relate, and perhaps my posts may encourage others to reflect internally. Its always an encouragement to me when I see others progressing and even stumbling on their path. It reminds me to see the bigger picture, that we all have our 'cross to bear' so to speak, and that we are human after all. I tend to put alot of pressure on myself to do things right, fast, and efficiently; with this path I am having to take it slow which is new to me!

Lily xxxxxxxxxx