Red flag check list
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Red flag check list
Several recent posts got me thinking about what ARE red flags that we should watch out for.... what have we collectively learned ...
For me someone who drinks "too much" in the first few dates
Someone whose friends are a lot younger then they are
Someone who doesn't put a good amount of effort when they meet my friends and family
Someone who only wants to see me once a week after many months of dating - whatever the excuses may be!
Someone who is not giving with their friends and family (not counting drinking buddies)
A guy who doesn't pay for the first date! - I know this is sexist, but I think that says a lot
For me someone who drinks "too much" in the first few dates
Someone whose friends are a lot younger then they are
Someone who doesn't put a good amount of effort when they meet my friends and family
Someone who only wants to see me once a week after many months of dating - whatever the excuses may be!
Someone who is not giving with their friends and family (not counting drinking buddies)
A guy who doesn't pay for the first date! - I know this is sexist, but I think that says a lot
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Here are some from the Best of SoberRecovery I think...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Why is it a red flag for you, gns, if a person's friends are (a lot) younger than them? Don't you think it's relative? I'd be wary if a 25 year old hung around with 15 year olds but not bothered if a 50 year old had a bunch of 40 year old friends or even younger.
ARL
ARL
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Friend's opinions are often more objective than our own.
Sleeping with someone too soon always clouded my objectivity.
Closeness to their family is a good sign.
Generosity with their time, kindness, healthy hobbies + habits, happy with their life & career are all good signs.
Sleeping with someone too soon always clouded my objectivity.
Closeness to their family is a good sign.
Generosity with their time, kindness, healthy hobbies + habits, happy with their life & career are all good signs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Thank you Cynay and Spiritual Seeker.
ARL, my ex was 34-35 hanging out with 24 year-olds and telling me they were the most "emotionally mature people he knew" - NOT!
You are right, it is relative, but I think it may be a sign of immaturity or needing to feel superior.
Spiritual seeker you are completely right about the sex too soon clouding my judgement!
ARL, my ex was 34-35 hanging out with 24 year-olds and telling me they were the most "emotionally mature people he knew" - NOT!
You are right, it is relative, but I think it may be a sign of immaturity or needing to feel superior.
Spiritual seeker you are completely right about the sex too soon clouding my judgement!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Minnie once posted a fabulous thread on red flags. I don't know if it's still available in the archives or if it was lost in the recent forum crash. It's well worth the effort to find it, if you're interested.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Thanks, gns, that makes sense and I have to say I really wondered about XABF's choices in friends. He seemed to latch on to much younger colleagues very quickly, socialized with them and then BANG! there would be a falling out. I think you have a point about their need to "feel superior". And, I think it can work in the other direction too as XABF also went to the other extreme by latching on to much older and needier people as if he was looking for a parent figure.
Maybe, a healthy medium would be somebody who has a few good friends and the friendship has a healthy history. Beware the person with no friends at all!
ARL
Maybe, a healthy medium would be somebody who has a few good friends and the friendship has a healthy history. Beware the person with no friends at all!
ARL
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I always watch how people, not just dates, treat fast food workers, waiters/waitresses, etc. I think it reveals a lot about them when you observe how they treat people over whom they feel they wield some authority.
I also listen to how men talk about women, especially their mother.
I consider racism to be a dealbreaker. How 19th century.
I want a balance between frugality and extravagance. Either extreme is a problem.
I also watch how they talk about the "weaker" people in society - prisoners, young single mothers, people on welfare, etc. Blanket statments about these groups make me wary i.e. "people on welfare are thieves" or "prisoners should get no extras at all".
People over the age of 25 who talk about getting wasted are not for me.
Those are some of my personal red flags. Mind you I haven't gotten laid in like 2 years yuk yuk yuk
I also listen to how men talk about women, especially their mother.
I consider racism to be a dealbreaker. How 19th century.
I want a balance between frugality and extravagance. Either extreme is a problem.
I also watch how they talk about the "weaker" people in society - prisoners, young single mothers, people on welfare, etc. Blanket statments about these groups make me wary i.e. "people on welfare are thieves" or "prisoners should get no extras at all".
People over the age of 25 who talk about getting wasted are not for me.
Those are some of my personal red flags. Mind you I haven't gotten laid in like 2 years yuk yuk yuk
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 60
My husband hangs around with 22-24 year olds and he is in his mid 30's. They all still live at home. None of our friends our age are into getting wrecked and acting like asses all the time. People our age have other things to worry about other than beer and running out of weed. From reading alot of the posts here it seems like many people with loved ones with addictions are similar with things such as not trying to become close with your family, silly excuses where the money goes etc etc. He was with them when he got into a fight defending one of them, then arrested because of it and ended up with 2 broken bones and unable to work and I dont think one of them has called to see how he was until this weekend when they needed something. Sorry to rant!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well the age thing is not always one for me either. I have friends that are many ages.
But the one Im finding is the biggest one is this.
When you see her drinking more then eating when you are together.
But the one Im finding is the biggest one is this.
When you see her drinking more then eating when you are together.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
If they are living with parents
and this is a good one: Telling you to get your hair done like their mother.
Another red flag: if they talk in victim terms all the time.
If they have money and are just plain cheap.
Ngaire
and this is a good one: Telling you to get your hair done like their mother.
Another red flag: if they talk in victim terms all the time.
If they have money and are just plain cheap.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Age of friends doesn't mean much. Heck, I'm 53 and have good friends ranging from 30 something to 70 something. Where he see these friends and how often would be more of a flag. If its bar friendships, well, that says it all. I would watch for claims of so-and-so is my friend yet they never spend time together or talk. A small number of very close firends is what I would want to see.
My personal red flags are: alcohol involved in very social situation; wanting a relationship to move too fast toward exclusivity; if children are in the picuture, bringing the kids into the relationship too quickly; extremes in spending; not wanting to meet my family or me meet his family; wanting to be with me or talk with me too frequently or the reverse.
My personal red flags are: alcohol involved in very social situation; wanting a relationship to move too fast toward exclusivity; if children are in the picuture, bringing the kids into the relationship too quickly; extremes in spending; not wanting to meet my family or me meet his family; wanting to be with me or talk with me too frequently or the reverse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Red flags for me (at various stages)
Someone who wants me to go on a trip, instead of a date. Yeah, just happened to me
yesterday, folks. I told him "I'm saving myself for marriage" and that was that.
"I travel, let's meet near you."
"Call me on my cell, not at home."
Doesn't show any interest in my interests or worse yet makes fun of them.
Constantly is suspicious that I am with another man.
Shows up at the first date drunk.
Casually mentions "have you thought about taking off 20 pounds?" then not so casually.
Says "nice rack" to the waitress right in front of me.
Says sexual comments to me in front of my family. (red flag the size of Texas there)
Kisses the girlfriend of his friend (open mouth) in front of me (red flag size of North
America)
"I had exactly two today."
Physical signs (disheveled, bags under eyes, poor hygiene, wrinkled clothing).
Says "wait a minute, I AM a rich man" ... bragging
Flaunts the "people" he knows.
Doesn't introduce you to his friends or only select friends. In my experience, it's because
he knew the truth would flop out like a dead smelly fish.
I have girlfriends of all ages, from 15 to 80, so I might suggest to GNS ... "Routinely hangs out at bars or gets in trouble with younger people." I know what you mean GNS, though!
Someone who wants me to go on a trip, instead of a date. Yeah, just happened to me
yesterday, folks. I told him "I'm saving myself for marriage" and that was that.
"I travel, let's meet near you."
"Call me on my cell, not at home."
Doesn't show any interest in my interests or worse yet makes fun of them.
Constantly is suspicious that I am with another man.
Shows up at the first date drunk.
Casually mentions "have you thought about taking off 20 pounds?" then not so casually.
Says "nice rack" to the waitress right in front of me.
Says sexual comments to me in front of my family. (red flag the size of Texas there)
Kisses the girlfriend of his friend (open mouth) in front of me (red flag size of North
America)
"I had exactly two today."
Physical signs (disheveled, bags under eyes, poor hygiene, wrinkled clothing).
Says "wait a minute, I AM a rich man" ... bragging
Flaunts the "people" he knows.
Doesn't introduce you to his friends or only select friends. In my experience, it's because
he knew the truth would flop out like a dead smelly fish.
I have girlfriends of all ages, from 15 to 80, so I might suggest to GNS ... "Routinely hangs out at bars or gets in trouble with younger people." I know what you mean GNS, though!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Red Flags...
Since I am 67 years old now I don't worry about this anymore. If nothing else, I don't have enough close friends. In past years I have had friends from 14 to 90 + years old...but most close friends were closer to my age. :ghug
I tend to have one friend that I can talk anything with. It just has been my way. I know all of my neighbors to say Hi and that is all we really do or tell each other when we are going to be away so we can keep an eye on their house & property.
I have a neighbor that shovels our snow once in a while...just because she wants to...our daughter & her husband usually do it since we can't do it much anymore.
My husband and I have one couple we are friends with and we eat lunch or dinner out together once in a while. Last week it was his 75th birthday so his wife got Chinese to go & they came to our house to celebrate with us. It was a fun evening. :bounce
Sober times are more fun to me than ever now. We share so much and our lives have been so simular...they had five kids and so did we. They are college grads and so are we...we get in some belly laughing conversations & it feels good. You wouldn't know that we had been in the social worker field at all....just having fun.
kelsh
I tend to have one friend that I can talk anything with. It just has been my way. I know all of my neighbors to say Hi and that is all we really do or tell each other when we are going to be away so we can keep an eye on their house & property.
I have a neighbor that shovels our snow once in a while...just because she wants to...our daughter & her husband usually do it since we can't do it much anymore.
My husband and I have one couple we are friends with and we eat lunch or dinner out together once in a while. Last week it was his 75th birthday so his wife got Chinese to go & they came to our house to celebrate with us. It was a fun evening. :bounce
Sober times are more fun to me than ever now. We share so much and our lives have been so simular...they had five kids and so did we. They are college grads and so are we...we get in some belly laughing conversations & it feels good. You wouldn't know that we had been in the social worker field at all....just having fun.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
My A didn't fit any of the red flags you pointed out, so I couldn't gauge by your list. Now that I look back, a red flag in my situation was when the A drank at inappropriate, serious times --
1) the death of a loved one,
2) when a hurricane was coming (a normal person is gathering candles, blankets and bottled water, while the A is more concerned about gathering enough beer to get through the crisis.)
1) the death of a loved one,
2) when a hurricane was coming (a normal person is gathering candles, blankets and bottled water, while the A is more concerned about gathering enough beer to get through the crisis.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
I'm sorry to be rude if anyone takes this the wrong way; I was feeling really down this morning...then I read this comment from WantsOut and about fell out of my chair laughing!
Those are some of my personal red flags. Mind you I haven't gotten laid in like 2 years yuk yuk yuk
(I am sooooo not laughing at you, WantsOut!!! It just struck me as hilarious, as I am sure that many of us codies are 'restraining’ from sex in order to stay true to our codie recovery and not convolute our 'self-discovery' with the mess that sex often brings to the emotional table!!!) Thanks for the giggle! I, too, cannot give much credence to my theories and rules quite yet, as I have not tested them in any sort of sexual relationship thus far since my breakup almost three months ago, let alone have had sex since then!
Those are some of my personal red flags. Mind you I haven't gotten laid in like 2 years yuk yuk yuk
(I am sooooo not laughing at you, WantsOut!!! It just struck me as hilarious, as I am sure that many of us codies are 'restraining’ from sex in order to stay true to our codie recovery and not convolute our 'self-discovery' with the mess that sex often brings to the emotional table!!!) Thanks for the giggle! I, too, cannot give much credence to my theories and rules quite yet, as I have not tested them in any sort of sexual relationship thus far since my breakup almost three months ago, let alone have had sex since then!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
I have tears I am so sorry this has me giggling, I should of read this one with My Amy.....
Red flags are a b*tch.......
after you have dressed for the seventh date witht eh jerk he again shows up drunk holding his d*ck in his hand saying I have something better than dinner......yes after 3 years I finally gave up on that red flagged .............ugh THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME UNDERSTAND WHAT A RED FLAG IS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red flags are a b*tch.......
after you have dressed for the seventh date witht eh jerk he again shows up drunk holding his d*ck in his hand saying I have something better than dinner......yes after 3 years I finally gave up on that red flagged .............ugh THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME UNDERSTAND WHAT A RED FLAG IS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
