kermit

Okay as you know my Mom had surgery and was staying with me for a while. Well, her Dr had to open her back up because of a infection that set in. Mom is a diabetic and a very HEAVY smoker. He Dr. told her no smoking after the first surgery because it hinders healing. If she does not heal this time she may lose her arm. My sister who drivers Mom to her Dr appointments ect will not help anymore because as soon as Mom got home today after being in the hospital for 3 days the first thing she does is light up. I have busted my ass to take care of her, but I'm tired. Do i continue to help even if she smokes? Am I enabling her or hurting her by not helping. Mom has a way of making me feel very guilty.

Spiritual Seeker

As you know you can't control her addiction to cigs. She is in charge of her own health.
IMHO- I wouldn't with-hold helping as a punishment or see helping as enabling.
Her own actions may have to lead to dire health conseq. bef she chooses to give up the cigs. She is addicted.
If you choose to help or not I would keep your reasons clear-
out of sense of duty as a daughter or love or because she needs you.
It is not easy watching someone jebordize their health...but we are powerless.
She knows what the smoking is doing.
Have you talked to her Medical doctor about him suggesting a cessation program ??

Miss Pink

You cant change her smoking, you can only change you.

whats your gut telling you?

kermit

my gut is what my problem is.....
What is a Cessation program?

Spiritual Seeker

http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/reprint/298/22/2700.pdf
nicotine replacement therapy and drug therapy rec by JAMA (Journal of Amer. MedicalAssoc) dec. 2007

Miss Pink

kermit...God gave us all instinct and intuition....ie: Gut feelings.

What is YOURS telling you?

reader

Hi Kermie, If ur Mom is wanting to quit, My mother uses Chantix and as far as I know is doing pretty good. It is so hard to watch some one u love harm themselves. I took care of my grandmother who died of COPD. She quit smoking but got emphysema anyway 5 years later. My heart goes out to u as I understand ur stress. ((HUGS))

Impurrfect

(((Kermit)))

At 10 months of recovery from crack addiction, I am quitting smoking. I had quit a week, slipped last night with a few cigarettes, and am back to quitting. Nothing anyone said or did would make me stop smoking. I was a nurse and know how unhealthy it is, but I still smoked.

My stepmom sounds like your mom....she will suffer from bronchitis for 3 weeks, sounds like she's coughing up a lung, and immediately lights a cigarette. She has no intention of quitting and is aware that is hurting her lungs and making her severe arthritis better. I have had to detach in that when she complains, I put the responsibility right back on her. She'll say "I'm so tired of this cough, I've had it for 3 weeks and the cough medicine doesn't work"...and I say "that's because every time you light up a cigarette you're undoing whatever the cough med could do and you refuse to drink fluids, which you were also told to do". I'm not mean about it, but matter-of-factly and the situation ends pretty quickly.

No one could make me stop (but me), and no one is going to make her stop. I wish you luck because it's hard trying to help someone who is hurting themselves.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

laurie6781

Maybe talk to her Dr about Chantrix.

I have been on it now for several months and it's working quite well. Yes I still have a cig once in a while but the 'once in a whiles' are getting further and further apart. And Chantrix tells you not to beat yourself up about it, call their hotline 24/7 and there are folks to talk to.

It certainly seems to be working and yes I too am diabetic.

As to 'enabling' her, no in this case I don't think you are. Cigarettes, like booze and drugs are very very addictive and it is up to the individual, and honestly I believe giving up cigs, at least for me, is HARDER, than it was with the booze and drugs.

Right now she does need your help. Infection in a diabetic is a terrible thing. With little use of her arm for now she may need your help with some things.

As was said above, if you are helping her out of love and concern and that she is your mom, then help her. Refusing to help her will not get her to quit.

Oh and BTW when a person starts Chantrix for the first week you are suppose to continue to smoke, until the dose builds up in your system (just a cautionary note, so if she does try the chantrix you know she is SUPPOSE to continue to smoke for the first week). And if she is on Medicaid..........................Medicaid pays for it!

And my personal opinion Kermie is you are a GREAT daughter!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Miss Pink

didnt sound to me like her mother asked for help. sounded like Kermit is unsure wether to continue to enable her or not and start enforceing boundaries.

maybe first step is to ask your mother if she WANTS to stop and if she WANTS help?

Barbara52

That would be a good first step. What to do next becomes clearer when you knnow what your mother wants. If it is her choice to keep smoking, well, that is her choice to make.

Either way, transporting her to the doc, making sure she gets to treatment, etc, is not something I see as enabling. Buying her cigarettes would be. Just as I would not buy alcohol fo ran alcoholic.

kermit

oaky here is the deal, I'm not sure if she wants to quit, I do know she knows it is hurting her recopvery from arm surgery. Here is the deal i don't expect her to quit cold turkey, I just want her to try as hard as she can not to smoke so much so she can heal, Great advice laurie, thanks.. I will talk to her about it. And I have made my decision to help in the ways that I can. I have a nurse coming from her Dr and medical insurance to take care of the wound, I will still give her her bath and make sure she is taking her meds. I love her shes my Mom and has helped us out both emotionaly and financially over the last 2 yrs, I will not turn my back on her. My sister can,that I just can't do.
Thanks everyone