LaTeeDa

Hey all. I’ve been in a funk lately so I haven’t been posting much. I even called in sick to work yesterday because I couldn’t seem to shake this overall anxiety I’ve been feeling.

So, I spent the day reading, journaling, and meditating trying to get to the root of it. I think I have peeled another layer off, and it is FEAR. Not the normal fear of the unknown that all people have to some degree, but the terrifying fear of a child who comes home from school one day to find everything packed in boxes and mom and dad telling her to get in the car cause we are moving to another state. This happened several times in my childhood and I realized yesterday that expecting my world to “fall apart” is something I have carried around for a very long time.

I still don’t think I am to the bottom of this particular issue, yet, and I’m still not clear on exactly what in the present triggered it. I'm not with my A anymore and things are actually going quite well for me.

Anyone else out there have issues with fear and suggestions for dealing with it? Yeah, I've heard the False Evidence Appearing Real, but I'm looking for some practical suggestions on dealing with fear, not a means of trying to stuff it. It seems that's what I did all those years ago, and now it's back to bite me.

L

Done_With_It

Have you read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway?
Anytime I feel any kind of fear even when I'm not
sure what the fear is from I read that book and it seems
to help.

queenteree

Funny, I've been in a funk lately too. I was thinking my therapy and Alanon weren't helping me, why don't I still have the strength or courage to leave my AH, why weren't there any options available to me out there (like cheap apartments, etc.), should I relocate elsewhere and leave my job also, and coming here and reading everyone's posts about filing for divorce and leaving, I'm thinking "why can't I do it???". Then it came to me - FEAR! I am afraid to leave the security of my job, home, even my A. There's a big world out there, and what if I fail? I guess for me it was even though I grew up in an alcoholic home (plenty of A's in my formative years), there was stability (same home, A father held same job, no arguments, he provided well, etc.). I, too, must work past this, and I'm glad you posted this thread. Thanks.

FormerDoormat

What if you don't?

One of my favorite books that helped me overcome my fears was "Who Moved the Cheese." Have you read it, LTD?

LaTeeDa

Miss Done--thank you for the suggestion. I have heard that book mentioned several times on here and just knew that someone would suggest it. (Since it is probably the ONLY self-help book I don't already own, lol.)

QT--I hesitated to post this here and almost posted it on the ACOA board instead. But, I figured there are plenty of us on F&F who are also ACOA, and plenty of us dealing with fear for other reasons, too.

L

ICU

I had an interesting scenario (to me anyway) dealing with fear less than 2 weeks ago.

My Mom and Dad were having a violent verbal fight. I immediately stepped between the two of them after they exchanged threats of physical violence, just like I did as a child. As an adult, I defused the situation. But for a brief moment, I remember thinking to myself as I stood between them, “hmmm….this is strange, I’m not looking up at them anymore, I’m bigger then they are now”. This was all relative to height, not any other way.

In that moment it was like ‘the little girl and the grown woman’ in me met for the first time, and integrated. In the moments that followed, I felt a lot of my fear that I felt as a small child when my parents fought overwhelm me again. But this time, the messages of 'I’m not that little girl anymore’ rang in my head as I went down my check list of recovery tools that I should use. And I realized that I can take care of myself. I’m still working on it, but it seemed to be a chance to begin to heal the child within…the one that didn’t have a voice or any recovery tools.

My fear was obviously trigger based. Perhaps yours is too, but it just hasn’t revealed itself to you yet. I’m sure it’s not pleasant feeling those feelings…it wasn’t for me. Although I hate that it happened, I am grateful for the opportunity to confront those fears after all these years.

That probably doesn’t help or offer what you were looking for…just thought I’d let you know that I could relate, and very recently too!

LaTeeDa

Yes, I love that book. I own that one, too, lol. We've even used it at work for dealing with change management.

I don't think fear of change is really what I'm dealing with (no major changes going on for me right now), it's more like a generalized feeling of dread. Last time this happened, I talked about it with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it was fear of "the other shoe dropping." That when things are going well, my automatic response is to assume it won't last and start preparing for the inevitable "bad thing" that is bound to happen. (I sometimes also sabotage myself in order to continue the cycle.) She suggested self-talk, with my inner child, assuring her that I was here to take care of her, etc. The journaling I did also helped some and I plan to do more of that since I had not been doing it for awhile. I was just wondering if anyone had any other tools for dealing with this sort of thing that worked for them.............

L

Done_With_It

Susan Jeffers is the one who wrote that book (Feel the Fear) she gives a lot of examples how to do, she talks a lot about our "Inner Chatterbox"
like you said the other shoe dropping, she talks about how that "Inner Chatterbox" talks you into thinking that, and how that leads you into a place of Pain. She is big on a chart of "Pain to Power" She even has you (if you want or need to) draw a chart and place pin on it where you are on that place of "Pain to Power"..
It's kind of amazing how it works. Someone gave it to me when I was getting ready to move to LA and I was scared, I knew no one, and had no money, no job, nothing, and I read it, and was like, OH?! I can do this, and have rarely have any problems since (as bad as I used to I mean). It's weird.
Anyway, I'm not sure, but this is her site, it may have some suggestions,
Susan Jeffers :: Home

Another thing that helped me was the book "The Artists Way"
Supposedly it's for Writers Block, but it's for much more than that.
It helped me a lot, but it's kind of intense.

denny57

The writings of Joseph Campbell help me face fear. He talks about going down into the abyss and if you go one step further you'll find what was dear to you, and what was lost - i.e. security, love, comfort, etc. Then it's working to reclaim/create what was there before it was "taken" from you. I do a lot of this in 4th step work, but also in journaling, through art and therapy.

It's scary as all he**.

FormerDoormat

Thank you for this thread, LTD.

freya

A few things:

1) Is there anyone out here who doesn't sometimes have issues with fear? Courage is not about never having fear; it's about feeling the fear but choosing not to let it control your actions and/or run your life.

2) It's often said that courage is fear that has said its prayers. And I think that the reason that that is said is that fear and faith absolutely cannot live in the same place at the same time, and, thus, we only have fear in direct proportion to how much we are lacking in faith. Scott L. (excellent AA speaker from Nashville whose tapes I recommend highly) says that when he's feeling fear the first thing he asks himself is: "Would I have this fear if I were 100% God reliant?" I love that question, but it is a very hard and very humbling one for me to ask myself because clearly the only rigorously honest answer is "no", which, of course, means that I've got some work to do in terms of turning it over to and trusting in HP. And....

3) The one thing that I've found to be the most helpful in doing that (i.e. turning it over and trusting) is the fear prayer: "God, release me from this fear and direct my attention toward what I can do today to better become the person that You would have me be." (That's adapted from an exercise in the Big Book, pp. 67-68.)

For dealing with fear, that prayer is just the most effective thing for me -- because it says it all and it puts my attention exactly where it needs to be: on right here and right now and what I should be doing to live my best here and now and how that's all I need to do and I can (and need to) trust HP to do all the rest. Worrying and fretting are doing nothing to protect me from what I fear -- all they do is separate me from my HP and keep me from living in and enjoying the present.

So, my "practical" advice is to say that prayer over and over and over, thinking about what each piece of it means; then do what you can and know that your HP will do the rest and you do not need to worry about it.

freya

BTW, the added bonus to this practice, especially when I'm dealing with irrational fears rooted in trauma from the past is that, through it, I am learning that HP will always take care of me and always be there for me the way that people who have contributed to my "traumas" in the past have not been and that I can and will be there for myself.

peaceteach

This is a silly fear, but something I have noticed about myself and would love to "get over" and move forward on. I can't make my house "mine." I always have this fear that I will have to sell it, or that I will make a mistake and ruin something for re-sale purposes. I've lived in two houses in the past 10 years, and can barely hang a picture on the wall, let alone change the paint color to something I like. And I have like 30-40 pictures! I feel a lack of permanence in my home, as if this isn't the one I will really wind up in for life, and so I am more a tenant than a homeowner. I have many dreams of how I would like it to look, but I don't make it happen. I think I've been ready for "flight" for the past 30 years, and I wish I could just take the leap and start!

Wascally Wabbit

I am fearful too. I will use one example. I can not bear getting into the passenger side of a car of someone I do not know well. Its like I am on a huge roller coaster going a million mph, and my stomach and head says I will go absolutely insane if I don't get out.
I guess that's more of a phobia
Any way, I have been learning in very tiny steps to force myself out of that. I have managed to get into a coworkers cars and get a ride one block away without having a seizure of fear. Little steps now. Sooner or later I will not be so scared of this. I can not even tell you why I have been afraid of something like this.

I learned one important thing too. I too have stayed home from work sick to death of fears. What I learned is changing all that.
The simple thing is to take the focus off yourself by doing something complicated that forces you to think of something else. Crosswords, sudoko, oil painting. Anything than sit and think of all my fears.
Another trick is to find something complicated in the room you're in. Look it over very well and start describing it out loud in minute detail. Such as a quilt, a stereo etc. Look at it and start saying out loud===The outside is black and is about 14 inches long by 5 inches tall. I see tiny dust particles on it and I will dust it soon. There are several buttons on it that say, volume, tuner, cd, and tv. These buttons are about one inch in diameter. They also have a tiny bit of dust. I can also see the plate that holds the cds. There are 5 places for cds. The numbers inside the cd plate are hard to read because they are the same color as the plate, black!
Describe it down to the molecule!!
This little exercize has helped me tremendously.

Trying.

I've always had a fear of loosing my home. I see it as my security and can't get any middle ground. I either see myself living here in my home or on the streets. Thats always been more fear that I will end up living on a park bench where no one cares about me. I forget that I'm an adult now and can ask for what I need to help sothese fears won't come true, there's a kinda of helplessness being played out in those fears, and its hard to unlearn learnt helplessness I feel.

AWEDA

The kids and I are pretty much settled in our new place. My son looked at me and said "Mom I feel so safe here, nobody is going to find us". Wow that made me realize I made the best decision I could for all of us.I haven't had a panic attack in about 10 years,but was feeling them coming on lately. I too called off work Monday just to get myself together.I am struggling each day financially,It is hard being a single Mom, but I am learning. I love these kids more than anything and hope to raise them to be happy healthy adults. That cannot happen if their Mother doesn't get it together,I pray each day for guidance. I am so thankful for the posting on these boards,helping me keep it all together. It is a long road but I feel I am on my way...........

angelonmyshould

Fear to me is:

F-ace
E-verything
A-nd
R-ecover.

If it wasn't for my alanon I would still walk around being Fearful of the unknown. I would not have my self confidence back. So, when I feel the strings of fear coming back I say to myself Face Everything And Recover.

LaTeeDa

I want to thank everyone who posted on this thread. It has really helped me. Thank you for sharing your tools for dealing with fear, and thank you for sharing your stories of your own fear.

I have been contemplating this more and something that came to me is that letting go really is the answer. Not the answer to making my fear go away, but the answer to why I am feeling this fear in the first place. See, I spent most of my life convincing myself that I was in control and doing what I could to be in control. I had pictures in my mind of what my life was going to be like, and those pictures didn't change much over the years. Even though my life was not going in the direction of those dreams, I held on to them stubbornly in an effort to remain in control.

Lately, I have be contemplating my future through new eyes. Knowing that it may or may not end up the way I envision it, and knowing that the universe has a plan for me that I may not be privvy to just yet. That's quite scarey. And I believe it is the letting go I have been doing that is the cause of my fear. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just another part of the process.

Thanks for being here and sharing the process with me. My fear is not gone, but I already feel better just knowing why it is there.

L

Pajarito

Hi LTD- great thread. The above quote hit me as I think this is one of my biggest problems- how to enjoy the good things and not expect that the worst is just around the corner. I spent my childhood trying to prepare for my dad's anger by rounding up all of us kids to keep our rooms clean- for instance- in the hopes that when he got home he wouldn't have messy rooms as a reason to beat us. Fast forward to now, and I finally see how futile trying to control outcomes really is- in him as well as my AH. I am not as far along as you in the process of recovery, but I think we all come about what we're facing in different ways/times. Fear is definitely a huge issue for me. You say you aren't facing fear of change right now- I am. I guess all I can say is that this thread has started me thinking more about how to work on that. The suggestions of others here are good ones.

One thing my therapist has mentioned to me is something called EMDR- (Here's my google definition: In the late 1980's, a psychologist, named Francine Shapiro, made a serendipitous discovery: she found that disturbing thoughts, feelings, or flashbacks that often follow a traumatic event could be alleviated or eliminated by having victims move their eye rapidly while reflecting on the event. The procedure eliminated or lessened the negative associations of the event with the victim and had a calming, self-affirming effect. EMDR was soon formalized into new treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and used to treat rape victims and Vietnam vets.)

I've done EMDR with a different therapist and it was amazing! My current therapist wants to work on anxiety with me using some EMDR. You might want to look into it with yours- or read up on it. It's a quicker way of dealing with something like anxiety or fear- and it tends to unearth deep stuff that you may be repressing or unable to really be clear on. I am hoping it will help me through my issues. Good luck!

LaTeeDa

One more thought I had about this. My illusion of being in control gave me some sense of security. Of course now I realize I never really was in control. But letting go of that security, however false or imagined it was, is scarey. I guess I can look at this as "healthy fear," LOL. Doesn't make it any more pleasant, though.

L

DesertEyes

Hey there LTD

Sorry to hear an old "emotional ghost" has come out of the past to get you. As an ACoA I have experienced exactly the kind of fear you mention. Just like you described, for me it is the fear of the little kid coming home to find out that the whole world has, once again, been destroyed by my parents insanity.

The way it works for me is that I never had _any_ kind of adult figure that protected me as a child. I never knew what it was to feal unafraid, or safe, or comfortable. I was _always_ scared. As a teenager I dealt with that by running away. Now as an adult there is nowhere to run away to, cuz the fear is _inside_ me, I have taken it from my childhood and kept it.

I do have a few good memories of my childhood, and I cherish those. However, my "disease" of ACoA is found in my keeping _bad_ memories. I keep the judgement my parents had of me, I treat myself the way they treated me, and think of me the way they thought of me. This is what we call "Being addicted to the past."

What I have done to change that is use a technique of ACoA called "re-parenting". You've probably come across this in all your self-help books. Since my parents did not give me the gift of love and safety as a child, I just give it to myself.

During the day I act as if I had a 7 year old child with me. A child that was left abandoned on my doorstep, and who's history is the same as mine. I have to show this child that _I_ love him, and that _I_ will protect him from the dangers of life. I do this with _actions_.

I've had awful bosses, and I protected my "child" by finding a new job. I've had people direct their anger at me, and I protect my "child" by not believing them. I have over-commited myself as a result of my people-pleasing, and I have apologized and gotten _out_ of those commitments as a way of protecting that "child" from getting exhausted.

Every place I go I try to make it fun and interesting. My fav example is that when I go to the grocery store I grab some rolls of paper towels and juggle them. Just for fun. As if I were entertaining a seven year old. I keep in touch with friends that are good to me, and I stay away from people who are not. when I goof I give myself permission to be not-perfect, and when I do good I congratulate my "inner child".

This has worked for me. I no longer have those "echoes of the past" come up and fill me with fear the way they used to. Even when I am going thru truly terrifying times, as I did a couple weeks ago when I had emergency brain surgery, I have a feeling of inner peace. I truly am enjoying life the way I should have as a child, but wasn't allowed to.

There's other techniques, such as the "inner hero/heroine". I haven't tried that one but I hear it works really well. Come browse around the ACoA forum, we're always chit-chatting about that sort of thing.

Mike