daughter80

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and am looking for some help in dealing with my alcoholic mother. Most of the resources that I'm finding online about adult children of alcoholics talk about adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. My story is a bit different. My mother did not begin drinking until after I started college and moved away from my home town. That was nearly 10 years ago.

I'm 27 and now live about 700 miles away from my parents, so I don't really know what goes on there on a daily basis. But almost every time over the last 6 years that I've gone home for a visit, I notice my mom drinking. I've tried talking to her and my dad about it, but she always says she's just about to get help, and my dad always tells me that they're taking it day by day and he doesn't know what else to do.

The last time I went home about 3 weeks ago, it seemed to be really bad. I smelled alcohol on my mom as soon as I arrived. I confronted her about it and she denied it. Then I did a little snooping and found bottles of liquor hidden in various areas of the house, some empty and some still with liquid in them. I secretly followed her to the basement where I saw her downing a bottle of rum. I didn't have the courage to confront her at the moment, I was just too sad, and I know this is selfish of me. I emptied all the bottles I could find and later that day she just went out and bought more. I told my dad about it and, in his usual style, he blew up at her, took her car keys and money away, and made her empty the remaining bottles. He hasn't learned yet that this makes no difference-- no matter how loud he screams or if he's taken her car or money away, she finds a way to get alcohol.

I confronted my mom once more just before I left and she told me that she's going into an out-patient rehab that the company she works for runs for their employees. She asked me to just let her get through the holidays without anymore scenes. Now I'm back 700 miles away and I don't know how to confront her or my dad to see if she's followed through on her promise to go to rehab. If she tells me she has, I don't even know if I'd believe her.

I know this has been a long story. My goal in writing this is to say that my dad isn't helping, my brother (who lives 5 minutes away from my parents) doesn't do anything, and I'm too far away to make any real practical difference in their lives anymore. I just don't know what to do. It seems like everyone else is in denial and my mom is not getting the help that she needs.

Things just keep getting worse and I feel like I have no support and can't help my mother. Someone please help me with some ideas. Thanks for listening!

Barbara52

Welcome.

You're in both a tough spot and a good spot being physically separated from the situation. Tough because you can't see and experience directly what is going on. Good for the same reason. You have in many ways done all you can do.

Mom is not getting the help she needs because she doesn't want to get that help yet. You cannot change your mom. Only she can do that and she will do it when and if she is ready to do so. You have brought the problem into the open, she knows what she has to do. She knows what resources she has available to her even. Now it is up to her to do it.

Perhaps you can talk to your father about his going to AlAnon to help himself deal with the situation? He also needs help, knowledge and support. But again only he can choose to do this.

Because you are physically distant, you don't have to be caught up in all the drama that goes with involvement with an alcoholic. You can work on your skills to deal with the situation by learning about alcoholism, what it is doing to you and how you can deal with those effects and the fact that you cannot change your mother.

daughter80

Thanks, Barbara!

hope2bhappy

You poured out all the alcohol, and yet you say your dad hasn't yet learned that his efforts make no difference. I'm curious to know why you thought your actions would.

Sounds like your brother has detached, which is a good thing. This is, actually, more helpful than trying to change or stop her. It wouldn't matter if you lived right next door, you still wouldn't be able to help her. You should be glad there is this distance between you, as it will help you to detach, as well. The alcoholic isn't the only one in denial. We, too, are in denial when we think that we can DO something about someone else's drinking.

Spiritual Seeker

welcome. Stick around to learn all you can abt alcohism and what we family members do to keep ourselves okay. Sometimes we can be just the nudge to get someone into treatment sometimes we have to learn to detach.
Good luck to you on this journey.

NMillis

it's ridiculous, really, how much it can take till they realize they need help. my mother drunkenly fell down a flight of concrete stairs, broke 4 ribs, the bone around her eye, and opened her skull at the forehead. She was in the ICU for 2 weeks. the concussion was so bad that she lost her short-term memory for 3 months and didn't recognize me. she lost her sense of smell permanently.
AND STILL KEPT DRINKING!
So yes, we are powerless to do anything. it really is up to them to decide to get sober. Help support your other family members and have faith that she'll come around eventually. be strong.

daughter80

thanks for the relpies, everyone! although i'm new here i already feel like i have support from you guys.

hope2bhappy: you're right on the nose in pointing out my hipocrasy in blaming my dad for being in denial while i also am in denial about being able to help my mom stop drinking. it's amazing how these issues can mess with our heads and make it hard to see the truth, even for fairly intelligent people.

NMills, SS, and Barb52: thanks for your supportive words. it seems so wrong to me to "detach" in a situation like this, for my mom's sake and for many selfish reasons as well. but i understand now that it's probably the best thing i can do right now and i'm working on it. i'm wondering, though, from people with experience, what actions have you all taken to detach from your loved ones? i can see what this would mean emotionally but it's difficult for me to figure out how to do this on a practical level.

thanks again to all of you for the support!

Pick-a-name

Hi,daughter. Glad you found us!

This place is a great place for you to start to read and understand what has helped other people start to work on detatching,etc and getting themselves healthier.

Reading is also helpful,imho. A few books that I have found very helpful are: Under the Influence, Co-Dependant No More, and Getting Them Sober (all vols....see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for a few preview chapters).

Many here go to AlAnon and open AA meetings,too.

Hope you will stick around;it really has helped me so much.

(Perhaps your dad and/or brother would find some of these things helpful,too.)

I wish there was something we could do to make them stop/get help. I tried everything I could think of but in the end,my AH divorced me (after nearly 30y) and is still drinking and thinks he "can control it". ugh. The good news is that it is what got me here and that is a good thing!

NMillis

'detaching' is one of those words thrown around here and elsewhere quite a lot, and it is much easier said than done.
It is almost like coming to terms with a loss. You must relinquish responsibility or even DESIRE for responsibility for your loved one's actions, because someone in the throes of addiction cannot be changed by outside forces. Detaching is learning to unchain yourself from their fate by stepping back-- which will save you if they drown. even if the situation is not that dire, the purpose of 'detachment' is to minimize the damage that their struggle is causing in your own life. it doesn't mean stopping loving them--but it does mean stopping throwing your time, money, and emotional energy down a black hole that they must, unfortunately, learn to crawl out of alone.