Am I selfish?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Am I selfish?
I know I should be happy he is in treatment. And I am. Truely. Mostly. 96% of me is. Ugg I feel like the most awful person in the world. But last night when he called I wanted to reach through the phone and shake him.
He is where he needs to be and I know that. And hopefully he is getting the help he needs. BUT GRRRRRR What realllllllly urks me is that while he is getting all this help I am doing all this work. I know I know. I am so awful and selfish for even feeling this way but I do. He was telling me about all the things he got to do yesterday and all the things they offer to do in their "Free time". Free Time???? Free Time!!!! I want some of that. I have been through hell and back for the past 5 months and he is getting free time while I am working my butt off??? How does that make sense? Like i said I know. I can answer my own question. I guess I just need to vent some and I feel soo bad but I can't help feeling this way.
He was telling me about how much sleep he got(I am lucky to get to bed by midnight if that, and the baby gets up at least once and then I am up by 5:30). Then he is telling me about swimming and crafts, and working with leather and the gym and weight rooms and all the movies and so on. Ummm is this vacation? "Oh yeah and I went to some meetings too today" he says. Well gee thats nice. I have been chasing kids all day, cleaning house, cooking meals, chasing dogs, and so on all day. Didn't even have time to sit for more then a few minutes. Of course I didn't say any of this to him. I want to be supportive to him.
I know why he is there and all and I do support that and I am glad he is there. But a small part of me just feels like he got to play for so many months, put me and the family through hell for so many months and now he gets to have a break for a couple of weeks while I work my tail off and he gets his head back on straight. Ummm when do I get my vacation?
Ok rant over. Back to the real world. And yes I know he is where he needs to be and yes I am glad he is there. HONEST.
I don't mean to be selfish. please don't hate me
Nikki
He is where he needs to be and I know that. And hopefully he is getting the help he needs. BUT GRRRRRR What realllllllly urks me is that while he is getting all this help I am doing all this work. I know I know. I am so awful and selfish for even feeling this way but I do. He was telling me about all the things he got to do yesterday and all the things they offer to do in their "Free time". Free Time???? Free Time!!!! I want some of that. I have been through hell and back for the past 5 months and he is getting free time while I am working my butt off??? How does that make sense? Like i said I know. I can answer my own question. I guess I just need to vent some and I feel soo bad but I can't help feeling this way.
He was telling me about how much sleep he got(I am lucky to get to bed by midnight if that, and the baby gets up at least once and then I am up by 5:30). Then he is telling me about swimming and crafts, and working with leather and the gym and weight rooms and all the movies and so on. Ummm is this vacation? "Oh yeah and I went to some meetings too today" he says. Well gee thats nice. I have been chasing kids all day, cleaning house, cooking meals, chasing dogs, and so on all day. Didn't even have time to sit for more then a few minutes. Of course I didn't say any of this to him. I want to be supportive to him.
I know why he is there and all and I do support that and I am glad he is there. But a small part of me just feels like he got to play for so many months, put me and the family through hell for so many months and now he gets to have a break for a couple of weeks while I work my tail off and he gets his head back on straight. Ummm when do I get my vacation?
Ok rant over. Back to the real world. And yes I know he is where he needs to be and yes I am glad he is there. HONEST.
I don't mean to be selfish. please don't hate me
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Nikki - I totally know how you feel and I don't think you're selfish,but maybe being selfish is just the thing you need right now...just a thought
My RAH has just recently come out of 30 days of treatment. All that time I was taking care of the house, the bills, the dogs...everything! Then I realized I was doing all of that before and that it was even easier now because I wasn't constantly worrying if someone was going to call me and tell me my husband was dead, in jail, or had sold our house for a mountain of cocaine. I hope you've felt a little relief in that respect, too.
If he's really applying himself to the program that he's in it's no picnic, I'm sure. Not to mention I bet he's going through some sub-acute detox symptoms on top of the emotional stuff he's dealing with. When my husband painted a rosy picture the first couple days he was in rehab I had to constantly remind myself that they were just words coming out of his mouth, and experience had taught me better than to trust those words.
Anyway, I'm off the point from the reason I wanted to reply to your post. Each day my husband was in rehab I made an attempt to do something for me - just me. Stopped on the way to work to get my favorite coffee, rented and watched all my most favorite chick flix, etc etc. It's hard when you're doing the work of 2+ people but if you can find even 5 minutes, I promise it will pay off.
Hang in there.
My RAH has just recently come out of 30 days of treatment. All that time I was taking care of the house, the bills, the dogs...everything! Then I realized I was doing all of that before and that it was even easier now because I wasn't constantly worrying if someone was going to call me and tell me my husband was dead, in jail, or had sold our house for a mountain of cocaine. I hope you've felt a little relief in that respect, too.
If he's really applying himself to the program that he's in it's no picnic, I'm sure. Not to mention I bet he's going through some sub-acute detox symptoms on top of the emotional stuff he's dealing with. When my husband painted a rosy picture the first couple days he was in rehab I had to constantly remind myself that they were just words coming out of his mouth, and experience had taught me better than to trust those words.
Anyway, I'm off the point from the reason I wanted to reply to your post. Each day my husband was in rehab I made an attempt to do something for me - just me. Stopped on the way to work to get my favorite coffee, rented and watched all my most favorite chick flix, etc etc. It's hard when you're doing the work of 2+ people but if you can find even 5 minutes, I promise it will pay off.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OH
Posts: 20
No, you're not selfish, even though it seems really unfair after all you've been through. Hopefully, you get your "vacation" when he comes home a better person. No matter how stressful and hard my day is, I look forward to the day my abf has recovered and we can spend time together again like we used to. Til then, I will be working my butt off too. I think it's ok to be a little selfish. 
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Oh I don't hate you ... believe me ... I completely understand where you are coming from and believe it or not how you are feeling is totally and completely NORMAL ..
I mean here they are out there using and abusing while we try to hold things together, manage our home, take care of our kids, work, cook, clean so on and so forth to the point of sheer exhaustion ... and then if they do decide to go into recovery... we are left to holding the same ol' bag and resentment surfaces (they get to rest and recover as we continue to bare the weight of the responsibilities).
It feels like being pushed to the back burner, yet again ... but at least this time it is for a good reason and well it comes with the territory of loving and living with and addict who has decided to go into recovery (one in which we chose to stay with).
And after they get out of detox, rehab... it doesn't end... because there are meetings to attend. The only thing you can do is to nurture your own recovery and take care of you otherwise you'll burn out and spin your wheels in vain.
Treat yourself kind, gentle and good, pamper yourself when ever you can.. relish and use your quiet time to refresh your spirit. If you can live with and love an addict all through to the point he goes into recovery. You can do anything!!!!
This too shall pass and your time will come
Bless your heart ..
******{HUGS}}}}}
Hats off to you .. you are superwoman!
Passion
I mean here they are out there using and abusing while we try to hold things together, manage our home, take care of our kids, work, cook, clean so on and so forth to the point of sheer exhaustion ... and then if they do decide to go into recovery... we are left to holding the same ol' bag and resentment surfaces (they get to rest and recover as we continue to bare the weight of the responsibilities).
It feels like being pushed to the back burner, yet again ... but at least this time it is for a good reason and well it comes with the territory of loving and living with and addict who has decided to go into recovery (one in which we chose to stay with).
And after they get out of detox, rehab... it doesn't end... because there are meetings to attend. The only thing you can do is to nurture your own recovery and take care of you otherwise you'll burn out and spin your wheels in vain.
Treat yourself kind, gentle and good, pamper yourself when ever you can.. relish and use your quiet time to refresh your spirit. If you can live with and love an addict all through to the point he goes into recovery. You can do anything!!!!
This too shall pass and your time will come
Bless your heart ..
******{HUGS}}}}}
Hats off to you .. you are superwoman!
Passion
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