painter

Well, what can I say except that today was a day from h-ll. My daughter called me from jail, she had been arrested for assualt. This had happened before xmas and she is just now being charged. Of course she wanted me to bail her out. I explained to her that I simply could not do that. That she was making choices that I do not agree with and I could not get her out of what she was choosing. When I asked where the children were she said with their father. Her comment was who else should they be with he's their father. He cannot even take care of himself let alone the kids. I have since found out that they are with their aunt. So at least I know that they are feed and warm. I have sick all day. Throwing up and headache. Will this ever end.
The father has called here several times trying to get us to bail her out and we have held out ground. He has been using the kids, telling us that they have been crying. I am not sure what happens next, since I have never had any experience with the law in my life. If she doesn't get bailed out what happens next. My husband says that I will probably not see the kids again cause I did not give in and do what they wanted. Any advice?

Spiritual Seeker

Lots of other mothers here including myself to welcome you.
I have a firm boundary that I don't do court dates or bail for my son.
In the past when I have had to inforce my boundaries ( I had to take a car back that I had loaned him) my son doesn't speak to me for awhile. He came back around, probably because he needs me.

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Prayers for your family.

It may not get to that point but...
In most states....Grandparents have rights too.

Blessings

Miss Pink

darlin...its not her your not bailing out, its her addiction.

your doing the right thing, the loving thing...whether she or anyone else agree....this is how we help the addicts.....by not enabling.

Your inspiring to me.

Lobo

(((((Painter))))) stay strong, sweetie. I know how hard this is. My RAD was in jail 3 times and I never bailed her out. She knows I will not come to see her or bail her out. She know that I will not lower myself to those standards and I have stuck with that. Her stints were short but none the less they were a lifetime to her. The last time she was in jail was June of 2007. After that she chose recovery. She has been clean for 6 months. She called and begged me to bail her out, but I wouldn't give in. I am not the strongest person and I am really a codie when it comes to her, she is my baby and my only girl.......but something just kept telling me not to do it. She has to learn the hard way just the way she does everything else. I have two sons who are older than her and I've never had experienced anything like this with them. It just broke my heart more than anything.

Today I take one day at a time. I am thankful that she is clean and sober at least for today. I don't know if me not bailing her out changed her.....but I do know that she is deathly afraid of jail and never wants to go back there again.

Stay strong...........Lo

ladybug81

I know how hard it must be, but please don't give in. Stand your ground. It's hard for someone to learn from their mistakes and prevent themselves from making the same mistakes if there is always someone there to "rescue" them when they get themselves in trouble. I know this first hand because I've always been a rescuer. I wanted to save them from the pain, but the truth is they never learn if there are no consequences.

Hangin' In

Painter,

If you cushion her fall, how will she ever learn. If you keep picking up the pieces for her bad decisions, what will inspire her to make better decisions?
If you "fix" this one for her, why should she want to do any better after you bail her out?

Remember this statement. It's short, sweet and says it all.


"AS LONG AS YOU DRIVE, THEY'LL RIDE."

Hugs and prayers that you can set your boundaries and stick to them,
Hangin' In

ANGELINA243

I was always the one being rescued. My parents would always help me when I got in a jam. I was thankful (at the time) but kept messing up>over & over again. They didn't know what to do with me--they blamed it on my friends/company I was associated with. They didn't want to see that I did have a choice in where I went/who I hung around. Sometimes I wonder where I would be had they not tried to help me. They did what they thought was the right thing to do "at the time". Now,looking back, I think they would have let me learn from my mistakes.

sjr

good for you for standing your ground. i can imagine how hard it must be for you. i have not had to experience bailing my daughter out of jail yet. she has had many run ins with the police. they have never charged her with anything. and you know what she has absolutely no respect for them. it makes me wonder if they had of charged her one of those times would she be so quick to be such a smart-*ass to them.

i would check into grand-parents rights. i think these days it is alot more common for grandparents to have to stand up for themselves to see their grandkids. especially in this kind of situation.

good luck to you...hoping this will be your daughter's bottom....s

ps...please try and take care of you...

Done_With_It

Think of Paris Hilton. Do you think she will ever drive without a license again?
Stand your ground.

Maybe this will teach her this time. Someone up there is trying to teach her now.
That's just my opinion.
:ghug3

sleepygoat

I know how hard it is not to cave in, but you are doing the right thing. for one thing, I always slept better when I knew my AD was in jail - safer, you know? social services should be involved by now with those kids and I'm surprised they aren't - but at least they are safe, like you said. If you daughter is at all open to listening to you, suggest she ask the judge for treatment and probation afterwards, instead of jail time as her sentence -and he might well be open to mandating her inpatient.

meanwhile - you don't have to answer the phone her BF if he is being manipulative or abusive. You set the boundaries; not him or her.