The addict leaves and rejects me and I am in Panic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
The addict leaves and rejects me and I am in Panic?
After 5 years of living with a coke abuser, who didn't come home, lied, stole and cheated he leaves me and says he is not sure he wants me anymore.
I am left with the house, bills, kids, responsibilities and am in total desperation. How can someone say "I love you, I just don't know if I can live with you anymore" but you are still my girl and I love you.
I "supported" him (I'll say that loosely as I really yelled alot that if he loved us he would quit). I have offered to go to NaAnon with him, but rejected. But I don't know how to turn away and let go of 20 years, mostly good times. My stomach and chest hurt so bad I feel like I am dying. I have been going to CODA group and that doesn't feel like much of a relief yet.
I have no friends left, the behaviors have drove everyone away and I feel so alone and empty.
Can anyone offer me any advice?
I am left with the house, bills, kids, responsibilities and am in total desperation. How can someone say "I love you, I just don't know if I can live with you anymore" but you are still my girl and I love you.
I "supported" him (I'll say that loosely as I really yelled alot that if he loved us he would quit). I have offered to go to NaAnon with him, but rejected. But I don't know how to turn away and let go of 20 years, mostly good times. My stomach and chest hurt so bad I feel like I am dying. I have been going to CODA group and that doesn't feel like much of a relief yet.
I have no friends left, the behaviors have drove everyone away and I feel so alone and empty.
Can anyone offer me any advice?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
I am so sorry for your situation. It must be devastating to you, after you stuck with him through so much.
I can't really offer any advice, other than to stick around here because there are so many people here that can give you support.
I can't really offer any advice, other than to stick around here because there are so many people here that can give you support.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I cannot say that my ex left me, but after I left him (because of his drug use) I remember all to well feeling like I had been rejected by a reject. I thought by leaving him .. it would make him see just how much he loved me and the kids and he would snap out of his addiction and come running back to us. It didn't work that way. I ended up practically throwing myself at him and begging for him to come back. He was arrogant, confident and calmly said, "I don't think I can come back to you after what you did" Hmmm, after what I did? He used and abused drugs, lied, stayed out till all hours, treated me like total crap and I stayed at home, took care of our kids, cooked and cleaned and now he doesn't think he can come back to me?
How freakin' twisted is that?
My heart gasp in my chest. It hurt to breath. I had the air knocked out of me, the rug pulled from underneath me. I was devastated, hurt beyond belief, but you know what?
As painful as it was.. I made it through. I didn't think I could, but I did. I weighed the bad and the good of the relationship and you know what? The bad FAR FAR out weighed the good. Sure I was going to be left alone to take care of the kids ALL BY MYSELF, but when I really thought about it .. I already was taking care of them all by myself anyway.
He was always off drinkin' and using. I was home cooking, cleaning, taking care of our children, selling things to make money to cover rent and bills because he misused our money for dope. I was basically running things solo anyhow ..
It was scary to move out on my own, but I did it and you know what? It was peaceful, less stressful and we (the kids and I) were happy. We had each other. Sure we missed him, but the old him .. not the him he had become. It was easier to deal things when I looked at the situation with the reality that the husband that I missed had long been gone and all that was left was a shell of the person who once was and who was now a walking breath drug addict.
I found that I could live without the fights and the arguments. It was wonderful to go through an entire day without being called a bytch. I didn't have walk on eggshells... I didn't have to live in the constant chaos, fear and worry. . I was free to embrace peace and enjoy life.
It hurts BIG TIME, I know, but count the cost of staying with him. Are you truly happy in the first place? This doesn't have to be the end .. but a beautiful new beginning for you and for your children.
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
How freakin' twisted is that?
My heart gasp in my chest. It hurt to breath. I had the air knocked out of me, the rug pulled from underneath me. I was devastated, hurt beyond belief, but you know what?
As painful as it was.. I made it through. I didn't think I could, but I did. I weighed the bad and the good of the relationship and you know what? The bad FAR FAR out weighed the good. Sure I was going to be left alone to take care of the kids ALL BY MYSELF, but when I really thought about it .. I already was taking care of them all by myself anyway.
He was always off drinkin' and using. I was home cooking, cleaning, taking care of our children, selling things to make money to cover rent and bills because he misused our money for dope. I was basically running things solo anyhow ..
It was scary to move out on my own, but I did it and you know what? It was peaceful, less stressful and we (the kids and I) were happy. We had each other. Sure we missed him, but the old him .. not the him he had become. It was easier to deal things when I looked at the situation with the reality that the husband that I missed had long been gone and all that was left was a shell of the person who once was and who was now a walking breath drug addict.
I found that I could live without the fights and the arguments. It was wonderful to go through an entire day without being called a bytch. I didn't have walk on eggshells... I didn't have to live in the constant chaos, fear and worry. . I was free to embrace peace and enjoy life.
It hurts BIG TIME, I know, but count the cost of staying with him. Are you truly happy in the first place? This doesn't have to be the end .. but a beautiful new beginning for you and for your children.
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for responding.
The loneliness feels like it is killing me right now. I am so dizzy I can barely get anything done. It's cold outside right now so I can't even grasp onto nature or the outdoors for relief.
He called my son two days after he left, and ask if his prescription had arrived. He is looking for his Viagra. Wow! Not wasting any time. I guess he really hasn't hit rock bottom yet if that is his concern. That one blasted me in the gut. That hurts so much.
I am glad to see that recovery is possible, (but it doesn't feel like it) and there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel I feel I have been thrown into.
The loneliness feels like it is killing me right now. I am so dizzy I can barely get anything done. It's cold outside right now so I can't even grasp onto nature or the outdoors for relief.
He called my son two days after he left, and ask if his prescription had arrived. He is looking for his Viagra. Wow! Not wasting any time. I guess he really hasn't hit rock bottom yet if that is his concern. That one blasted me in the gut. That hurts so much.
I am glad to see that recovery is possible, (but it doesn't feel like it) and there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel I feel I have been thrown into.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Man-o-Man that's good advice!!!
I need to tell you SS - I hang on every word by Nytepassion. She has gotten me through some hard times and although I don't follow-through with everything she has for me - she understands there is a learning curve cause she's been through it and all her wisdom didn't just come to her overnight. Read up on her posts and you will be amazed and inspired. There's actually so much knowledge and wisdom on this website, you will never lack for guidance, support and love as long as you keep coming back. I've not been here that long but I know I've made some friends for life and will not leave here ever.
I understand that he's rocked your world and I understand the panic. Eventually, not today or tomorrow, it will ease up a little bit at a time. In the meantime, take care of you, love you and love the kids up as much as you can. Keep going to meetings and keep coming back here. This group will pull you back and have your back.:ghug
I need to tell you SS - I hang on every word by Nytepassion. She has gotten me through some hard times and although I don't follow-through with everything she has for me - she understands there is a learning curve cause she's been through it and all her wisdom didn't just come to her overnight. Read up on her posts and you will be amazed and inspired. There's actually so much knowledge and wisdom on this website, you will never lack for guidance, support and love as long as you keep coming back. I've not been here that long but I know I've made some friends for life and will not leave here ever.
I understand that he's rocked your world and I understand the panic. Eventually, not today or tomorrow, it will ease up a little bit at a time. In the meantime, take care of you, love you and love the kids up as much as you can. Keep going to meetings and keep coming back here. This group will pull you back and have your back.:ghug
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
seekingstrength,
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you.
Maybe you do not value your worth? Cause I can hear, that you are so much more, than living with all that chaos and someone who cannot appreciate you.
Don't sell yourself short.
IMO, it may hurt alot now, but in the long run, you're going be dancing your feet off, doing the happy dance.
Hugs, and keep posting...
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you.
Maybe you do not value your worth? Cause I can hear, that you are so much more, than living with all that chaos and someone who cannot appreciate you.
Don't sell yourself short.
IMO, it may hurt alot now, but in the long run, you're going be dancing your feet off, doing the happy dance.
Hugs, and keep posting...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
Thank you to all who have posted thus far and made me feel welcome. I am reading everything you say and will slowly absorb this into my life. I am in such shock right now and I am looking forward to the time when I will be able to walk around without my head in the clouds and vice grips on my chest and stomach. I am so tired.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Seekingstrength,
I am SO GLAD you found this board. You are not alone. Listen to me say that again. "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." This board is full of people who are going through tough times of dealing with the addiction of their loved one. There is great support here, so you grab on, hang on for dear life. You will make it. You really can and you will, but you have to keep plugging away.
Please keep going to the CODA meetings. Recovery for us, just like for the addict, is slow, slow, slow. I wish I could tell you it's fast and you'll feel better by tomorrow, but I have to be honest. I will say that if you start working a program of recovery like through CODA and reading and posting on this board, your life can and will get better.
It's hard work, SS, I know. But there are better days ahead. You just have to keep coming back...to here and your meetings.
Hugs and prayers. Remember, we are here for you.
Hangin' In
I am SO GLAD you found this board. You are not alone. Listen to me say that again. "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." This board is full of people who are going through tough times of dealing with the addiction of their loved one. There is great support here, so you grab on, hang on for dear life. You will make it. You really can and you will, but you have to keep plugging away.
Please keep going to the CODA meetings. Recovery for us, just like for the addict, is slow, slow, slow. I wish I could tell you it's fast and you'll feel better by tomorrow, but I have to be honest. I will say that if you start working a program of recovery like through CODA and reading and posting on this board, your life can and will get better.
It's hard work, SS, I know. But there are better days ahead. You just have to keep coming back...to here and your meetings.
Hugs and prayers. Remember, we are here for you.
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i wish i could give you a real hug. when one door shuts another opens. let that door slam. you deserve so much more. i know u r in pain but it will not last. you will see the real pain was living with him & all the trash he threw your way.it will take time but i promise it will come. happiness & the peace u deserve. prayers for you & your children
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Sending my welcomes also. I can't add anything that hasn't been said before me here.
You deserve to be happy! That was one thing I didn't grasp when I first arrived.
Say it with me, "I deserve to be happy".
There you go!
HUGS
Terri
You deserve to be happy! That was one thing I didn't grasp when I first arrived.
Say it with me, "I deserve to be happy".
There you go!
HUGS
Terri
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
I was addicted to an addict/alkie. He was my oxygen. Couldnt breathe we I ended it.
I found new oxygen, new life in 12 step program. Found out my fear was based in my addiction...I have now moved on, and found I am no longer dependent on a man to breathe. Try alanon or naranon....it saves lives.
I found new oxygen, new life in 12 step program. Found out my fear was based in my addiction...I have now moved on, and found I am no longer dependent on a man to breathe. Try alanon or naranon....it saves lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Just wanted to welcome you too!! It is hard, some really hard days..but they will get better as time goes by. time heals all they say. You deserve to be happy. What do you like to do? think on something and do it today! Call some old friends maybe, go for a coffee with someone. watch a funny movie with your kids.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Just over a year ago my XABF said the same words to me. I had been iwth him for 6 years and lived with him one year. We had no kids and I owned the house, car, truck and checking account on my own. Thank goodness.
I also did not know he was a drug addict until he was moving out.. then it all started to make sense. I came here to SR and between this board and AlAnon I saved my life.
I felt bad as you are now, and I heard those words, "I love you but I am not in love with you. I cannot stay here and live with you. I am not happy." I did not understand. I was so hurt.
Well, he turned out to be cheating and his moving out of my place was just moving in with someone else who did drugs with him.
In the last year I have made some changes in my life. Today I am free and I am happy. I have friends (not a lot) and I am at peace.
It will take time but you have to do a lot of work if you want to be happy and at peace. SR is a good start. Go to Alanon and I suggest reading Melody Beattie's book, "Co dependent no More" and "12 Steps for Co Dependents." Work through it and journal and you will get to the other side. You truly will.
Welcome to SR.
I also did not know he was a drug addict until he was moving out.. then it all started to make sense. I came here to SR and between this board and AlAnon I saved my life.
I felt bad as you are now, and I heard those words, "I love you but I am not in love with you. I cannot stay here and live with you. I am not happy." I did not understand. I was so hurt.
Well, he turned out to be cheating and his moving out of my place was just moving in with someone else who did drugs with him.
In the last year I have made some changes in my life. Today I am free and I am happy. I have friends (not a lot) and I am at peace.
It will take time but you have to do a lot of work if you want to be happy and at peace. SR is a good start. Go to Alanon and I suggest reading Melody Beattie's book, "Co dependent no More" and "12 Steps for Co Dependents." Work through it and journal and you will get to the other side. You truly will.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Chaos, USA
Posts: 52
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I see myself going thru the same as you soon. I told my ah I didn't want to associate with him anymore because it just wasn't me. Then he started to sober up and said he was going to divorce me and I would be left with nothing but a shopping cart and support payments to HIM because I have the greater earning potential. Now he says, and I agree with this, that we just can't live together. We are going to split amicably and see what happens. We'll see...
Stay as strong as you can and remember nothing in life happens without a reason.
Stay as strong as you can and remember nothing in life happens without a reason.
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