rub

Well, over the past few days the topic of my parents will has come up. Sure its not a pleasant thought, but my sister and I really wonder how things will play out if something was to happen to our parents. Both my sister and I feel that at this time, if my brother were to get a large settlement int he case of something tragic happeneing, it would not do him much good. More money is never a solution to addiction.

So my sister was worried about brining it up with my parents. Since I am closer to them (physically - she is in another town) I was the one to do it. My mom was quite receptive to what I had to say.

I know it may come across as we want to see him suffer, and that he doesn't deserve anything. But honestly, that is not my concern at all. My mom understood that completely. My dad, on the otherhand, was a bit defensive. He didn't understand how I could want him to cut his only son out of his will. But that is NOT what I want. Afer a good heart to heart, he understood our point of view.

I suggested that when they speak to their lawyer, they tell him the facts - he is an addict (not just a "he's bad with money" line that they seem to use so often). Maybe a lawyer would have a suggestion?

I thought they could possibly put his share into trust, and the executor of their estate could determine when he could have the money?

I just dont know.

My parents are 65 and 60. Both smoke, but other than extreme stress, some aches and pains, and smoking, they are doing fine. My dad needs hip surgery, but it should be a very simple procedure.

I know this may not be an urgent matter, but accidents happen everyday, and we are really just trying to look of for my brothers best interests.

Has anyone changed their will to leave out their addict? Made a trust, done something different? Any advise or comments are appreciated.

cece1960

This is just my opinion, as a mom.

You have voiced your concerns, now I would probably step back and let your parents decide. I can certainly understand your fear.

The thing is, we never know what anyone would do with money inherited. If down the road, he should receive money and blow it on drugs, then thats what he will do. If he doesn't receive it, then he will still do the drugs (assuming he's active) and I'm sure you can throw in a HUGE lump of resentment towards his family along with it.

I for one would never agree to be the one who decides when he was good enough to receive a trust.

I know your feelings are based on fear of providing the means for more drugs, but it may seem more a punishment from your parents view.
Again, this is just an opinion.
((((Hugs)))

rub

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I will not mention it again to them, as it is their decion, and we will respect whatever they decide. But we thought it was something they may want to consider. In the current will they have left some things for him -- a restored 1955 Crown Vic in particilar -- and they are changing those things. They spoke with my sister and me about who wants it, as they dont want my brother to have it.

I agree with you about someone making the decion as to "when" he could get the money - I wouldn't want that responsibility either.

Hopefully my parents will still be here to see him clean again, and this will never have to be played out...

Hangin' In

If your parents are concerned, they need to consult their lawyer. They can always amend their will or do a codicil. A trust can be set up to where he would be provided a certain income and not be given a lump sum. The Trustee would be the one who would see that he receives the designated amount. (Or at least that is how it works in my state.)

You've made your parents aware of your concerns. Now it's up to them if they want to make the changes.

And like cece said, your parents may be able to control what he does or doesn't get upon their death, but they cannot control his addiction. We just never know what it will take for the addict. And I've learned that sometimes what I see as my best plan isn't always the best plan. In fact, I've seen where the worst case scenario happened and in my mind there was no way it could have been good for my AD. Guess what? I was wrong. The decision she made appeared to be horrible, but her HP used it for good, to get her farther down the road in her recovery.

So just remember that. WE don't have the plan. Your brother's HP does. It could be a plan that gives your brother a big ole lump sum. He squanders it in the worst way which leads him to hitting his bottom...and he bounces back up. See? We just never know.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

historyteach

I, personally, have put off making a will, just because of this issue.
Scares the heck outta me.
I *thought* I had a trustee in my brother, and he almost immediately proved he was not the one to handle it. Long story; won't go into it here. But, I can't trust him to do the right thing by my son, because he didn't! So, I'm back to square one.
I hope nothing happens before I figure out what to do....

Good luck. I agree with the others here, though. You've let your parents know what you think is best. Step back now. Trust them. Let go and let G*D.

Shalom!

lightseeker

My RAH comes from a family that has a substanial inheritance. My MIL worked with an estate lawyer to set up a behavioral trust. RAH has an executor that for the next 11 years will allow him access to the money for housing/medical/educational expenses. And even that is based upon his sobriety. At age 60, he receives the bulk of his inheritance to use at his discretion (he's 49 now). If our marriage ends and RAH lives alone, then the estate has set up random drug testing as a stipulation for his access to the money. Can the tests be bilked? Of course. But that is how they have decided to do things.

Just one idea.

Frog_2hop

Here is another twist to the same type of question that I am facing. I think I've made a decision but haven't followed through with the paperwork (but need to). Of course my husband was placed as the beneficiary of everything, life insurance, retirement....however now he is addicted to pain meds and who knows when he'll ever, if ever pull out of this ugliness. My children are young. I currently have legal backing that he cannot have them unsupervised or drive them...but if I were to get hit by a semi-truck on my way to work tomorrow, he'd get custody and there is nothing I can do about it. I asked many lawyers and they all say the same thing. He is their parent, he'd automatically get full custody. So.....here is what I did and will do. I asked the gal that we both agreed we want to raise our kids if something were to happen to both of us. She is willing to take on the battle if I were to die. I am going to switch all monies into her name (or the kids if I can, with her or my parents as the trustee). I left all the info and all my journals in a place that she knows about with as much information I have that could help her win a "Third Party non parental custody" fight and gain custody of them. I've left all things in as much order as I can to this point and just have to trust that God would put all the pieces together if ever need be.

lostparent

Frog_Hop ....Sounds like a really good plan to help look after your kids. Hope more Moms or Dads that are in the same situation are planning ahead like that.