lightseeker

I don't know why (denial, maybe? LOL) I have such a difficult time detaching from and not absorbing my husband's ill temper/rage/anger when it occurs. I have all of these boundaries and then ka-put.....the situation hits me out of the blue and flattens me. During this latest session, I would have left the house but I was in my jammies and just out of bed.

Would I interact with him if he were high/using crack? Heck no. All he does now that he is sober is take the substance out of the equation. He is changing his mood with emotion. I have to remember that he is "emotionally drunk" and incapable of logic and reasoning. Although it technically was my house first, it's our "marital home" now and I can't get him to leave when he is on one of his rants or rages (there is no getting through to him). Since I can't change him or his temperament, all I can do is change my response to it.....I suppose that means being ready to walk out the door at any given moment.

My goals for 2008 include developing and living in more serenity. I'm working on the self discipline to adhere to my boundaries. Does anyone have any suggestions about how they handle someone with a hair trigger temper. He is going to counselling for it but it sure is a slow thing to change. It ain't gonna - so I'm gonna. I'm not ready to divorce him because he makes enough baby steps from time to time to keep me bought in. Dang it. It all boils down to "mean what I say, say what I mean, then DO IT. I'm telling on myself because I want to be more accountable about my situation.

Thanks for letting me share....Donna

cinderellawkids

Im working on the same things and have to add for me, continue to stay calm when his reactions to my non reactions continue to be irrational and not what I hoped for.

lightseeker

amen sister.....that's when I get baited in the most. It has improved over the last year - but so have I and my tolerance is much less than it used to me.

Thanks - I'm thinking about you! Donna

greeteachday

(((((Donna)))))
I wish I had some great ideas, but I'm afraid i don't. How long do these rages last? Can he discuss them rationally once he has calmed down and if so, can he provide any insight into what he thinks may be the best thing for you to do?

I think your suggestion of being ready to leave temporarily at any given moment may be a good route. Ideally you should not have to, but based on what you posted and the damage prolonged use has done to his brain, it sounds like the safest and best course for your serenity. Perhaps if he starts to realize that when he explodes you walk and there is no one left to be verbally abusive to, it may help.

I know there's lots of therapy available for anger management, but can a specialist in this area refer you to someone to help you in how to not be victimized by his outbursts?

Keeping you in my thoughts...I really hope 2008 brings more serenity to your life. Love, hugs and prayers.

lightseeker

Greet -

thanks so much for your input. The rages don't last but for about 45 minutes usually (if that). However, he gets on an agenda and "trances" into that for hours at a time. The counselor's have said that at this point he is best handled with behavior modification. If you do this/then I do that. The end. He does have insight and awareness/remorse after the fact. He started an Anger Management Workbook last night. He honestly is trying so hard - his poor brain just gets hijacked. Luckily, I have an awesome counselor and recommened the behavioral response thing.

Thank you so much for your wisdom and kind words! Love you! Donna