love2store

I have had a bad couple of days not sure why and i'm getting to the point of were i dont want to come home, you see i had to move back home with my mom and she had no problem with taking me, my kids & even the family dog.
you see she had no problem with it because i finaly left my "rah", but here is were the problem lies is because i talk to him every day maybe even 4x's a day and she does not understand why when i left him back in oct. she tells me that she does not understand why i talk to him when he did what he did to me and the kids, well I tryed ti explain to her that i left because i was tired of living like we were lies, him not comming home for days and the bills behind and so on and so on.

I left on nov 1st and he went out on Oct 31st, I packed all night and did what i had to do so that when he came home we were not there and the house was empty I took everything, so when he did come home it was empty so he knew at that point that this time i ment what i always said this is it so he went into rehab and has been clean and sober sence I left and he is growing in his recovery, Now here is were another problem comes he keeps telling me that he is growing and leaning and he wants me to grow with him and i want to because i still want to be his wife i just did'nt want tobe his wife covering for him all the time, I just dont have time to go to meeting and maybe i just dont want to go. Is it wrong for me not to want to change with him? I mean i can make time for meeting's my mom tells me that i need to go as well.

I just feel like everthing is gone he's not the same and i am the same person he talks all the time about the 12steps and i just dont care to hear it why do i feel this way? i mean I love him and this is all I wanted for the last 15years of are life so why do I feel this way? What do I do?

I'm sorry i feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself and maybe i am and not sure why because i think that i'm a strong person.

here is the wrost part of it all when he starts to talk about his program i just hang up on him and when he calls back i dont answer WHY DO I DO THIS?:wtf

any coments will be helpfull

cloudy

Hello, well you know what, this affects everyone in it's path and you certainly fall into that category, don't be so hard on yourself (yet do try to be open to recognizing and learning how this affects everyone in it's wake). Yes, it is a good idea for you to get support for you, absolutely. But the feelings you are feeling, I bet when you do go to get support (when you feel like it is key) you will find you are not alone in those feelings.

One more thing, if you look up "support for loved ones of drug abusers" you'll likely find "naranon" I just want to stress while that is great it's less commonly found in many places than is "alanon" (loved ones of alcoholics). I made the (misinformed) mistake before of thinking Alanon didn't understand or know one thing. I was wrong, just want to pass that on and last but not least if you go to any of these meetings make sure you take one of every pamphlet before you go. They are really good. If you go to a meeting you don't have to talk you can just say pass. If you don't like one try another one they all have different people none of whom are perfect just keep as open a mind as possible. I do just feel it's very important and helpful to surround yourself with people who "get it and know/understand"

Stellargirl

Sounds like you are harboring a lot of resentment, and understandably so.


Hope this wasn't too harsh, these are just my opinions!

hope213

nothing changes if nothing changes. this could be the miracle you wanted. it takes alot of hard work on the addicts part to get clean & sober. his recovery is his recovery. recovery for yourself is learning how to take care of you with or without your addict. it is all about change. only you can decide if you want to stay with him. the steps can teach you alot. i am the mom of an addict son & even tho i do not live with him he effects the whole family. i am a different person since coming to S.R. & going to meetings. i have learned to let go & let God. i am more peaceful about all the things that go on around me. i have learned acceptance. i hope you keep coming back & let us know how u & your husband are doing.prayers,

mooselips

love2store,
I think, trust is hard to restore. It takes a long long time, if you ever get it back.

As for your mother, I'm sure she only wants the best for you. Here she is, thinking it's all done and over, and your life will change for the better, and you are still speaking to him! She is probably very confused.
Maybe a heart to heart with your mom wouldn't hurt. Explain how you really don't want to toss your husband, you just want the "old" guy back.
And hope is right, miracles sometimes do happen.

It's you decision what direction you want to go in.

No one can decide, but you.

I hope you're attending meetings, they can help you along in your recovery.


Hugs, and understanding....

mooselips

P.S. Talk is cheap.

It's his actions that will tell you if he really is accepting he has a problem, and wants to remain sober.

Hangin' In

Most likely because you are angry, resentful, feeling guilty, and scared. All of those are normal feelings that we, the one who loves the addicted, feel.

Meetings helped me identify those feelings in my life and admit them. Then I learned how to deal with them and get rid of them. Best thing I've ever done for myself was to start attending meetings while reading and posting on this board.

Maybe you could find a meeting in your area.

Hugs to you,
Hangin' In

bluejay6

i think maybe we all get so beaten down emotionally by the addict that we cannot bear the idea of going to a meeting where we think we'll be told how wrong we are, sick we are, weak we are, etc etc. we are so terribly fragile, after so many months or years of being emotionally abused in a relationship. i think it is normal to want to protect one's fragile, breaking heart. we cannot take one more criticism.

i know whenever i am in a meeting and i hear someone say " we're all sick," i feel defensive. i dislike instant labeling. i do know, though, that relationship with someone who is emotionally and spiritually and mentally ill--as the practicing addict is--does make me ill. any normal human being would be made ill by the disruption of all that is healthy and normal. we are made ill by the interaction with an addict, not because we are defective or deeply flawed.

you could start recovering the easy, private way: read. there are a lot of cheap, used books online (alibris.com has a lot) about addiction. you don't have to jump in with meetings first. toes in is just fine.

the more you learn, the stronger and calmer you will be. it will be just for you. do take care....

Hangin' In

Bluejay,

I, too, felt defensive the first time I heard someone mention "we're sick" in a meeting. I got in the car, looked at Mr. Hangin' and said, "Well, THEY may be sick, but I'm not."

Fast forward 5 years and I'll be the first one to tell you I was wrong. I was sick because I had been sucked into the disease of addiction and was exhibiting behaviors that were not normal (if there is such a thing) for a person outside the world of addiction. My thinking was skewed and I was operating out of fear, guilt, anger, denial, and blame. Now that does not make me a bad or weak person. I was doing the best I could do with what I knew.

The longer I sat in my meetings, (and let me say NO ONE in my meetings has ever diagnosed me and my problems) I learned that I indeed did have character defects just like my addicted daughter. We ALL have some sort of character defects. And when you mix those character defects with an addiction, well as a famous Al Anon speaker, Mary Pearl, says, "It's like pouring Miracle Grow on our character defects. They groooooooooow!"

Meetings are not about being judged, but I understand you feeling that way because that is how I felt in the beginning. But with a conversative estimate of at least 500-600 meetings under my belt, I can tell you I feel less judged in my meetings than anywhere else on this planet. I feel love and support while in sit in that meeting with people who are going through the same, hard experience I am going through.

And you're advice was correct. There's no correct order in which to do recovery. The idea is to do it. Read first, meetings later. Or meetings first, and add reading. I just know I could have never profitted as much as I have had I not added meetings for my recovery. As my sponsor points out, recovery can't be done alone. That is why the first of the 12 steps says, "WE admitted that we are powerless.........."

WE.....yep, my recovery has definitely benefitted from the WE, just like listening and sharing with others on this board. I just needed this board AND the up close and personal recovery of face to face people. What a blessing to have both!

Hugs,
Hangin' In