All Moms Have a Fantasy
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
All Moms Have a Fantasy
I was told today by addiction specialist, Dr. Drew, that
"all moms of addicts have a fantasy that if we don't stay engaged with our addict child, our child will die."
I had to pause, but he is right.
Really if they do die it has nothing to do with wheather we are engaged with them or not. It is out of our hands. Intellectually I get it. Emotionally I think I am catching up.
Any opinions ?????
"all moms of addicts have a fantasy that if we don't stay engaged with our addict child, our child will die."
I had to pause, but he is right.
Really if they do die it has nothing to do with wheather we are engaged with them or not. It is out of our hands. Intellectually I get it. Emotionally I think I am catching up.
Any opinions ?????
Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 12-28-2007 at 12:09 PM. Reason: grammar, spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
I worry about my little children all the time, S is 38, C is 34, I believe its my job,
not my life. I did the best I could with what I had, thats what my daughter told me anyway. But of course we worry about our kids, thats part of being human.
not my life. I did the best I could with what I had, thats what my daughter told me anyway. But of course we worry about our kids, thats part of being human.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I agree with Dr. Drew. I attend many of his lectures and find them helpful.
One of my best friends has shared that when she finally let go of this idea and accepted her son might die it was a relief and release for her. She let herself go to the darkest possible outcome and had to admit to herself she would survive it. It doesn't mean the worry is gone, but she no longer feels she can control it by constant vigilance.
((())
One of my best friends has shared that when she finally let go of this idea and accepted her son might die it was a relief and release for her. She let herself go to the darkest possible outcome and had to admit to herself she would survive it. It doesn't mean the worry is gone, but she no longer feels she can control it by constant vigilance.
((())
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
I think this must be true, hence my mother's statement to me "I have to try." It's only been about 30 years of "trying".
However, what she doesn't realize is that he is dying by inches anyway, and that she is just accelerating that process by continuing to bankroll everything he does. This just frees up more of his paycheck for alcohol. She'd actually be helping him MORE if she'd let him pay his own bills!
However, what she doesn't realize is that he is dying by inches anyway, and that she is just accelerating that process by continuing to bankroll everything he does. This just frees up more of his paycheck for alcohol. She'd actually be helping him MORE if she'd let him pay his own bills!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Catching up emotionally is the hardest part I think. I can understand something intellectually long before I get in in the gut. And even after getting it in my gut, action can take longer still.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
I think that all codies have a fantasy dream about how life with a signifant other
should be. our problem is that our fantasy is so ridged, that we lose sight of reality.
And ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems today,
when I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity
until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment Nothing absolutly nothing happens in gods world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism (co dependancy) I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on lifes terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the
world as on what needs to be changed in ME and my attitudes
Pg 417 4th edition AA Big Book
should be. our problem is that our fantasy is so ridged, that we lose sight of reality.
And ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems today,
when I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity
until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment Nothing absolutly nothing happens in gods world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism (co dependancy) I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on lifes terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the
world as on what needs to be changed in ME and my attitudes
Pg 417 4th edition AA Big Book
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
With due respect, I think he's wrong.
Only my experience tells me that.
I've given up the reigns of control a very long time ago. Once I recognized it was an illusion only.
I still have a hard time with others who don't understand that with my son, though....
L'Chaim!
(to Life!)
Only my experience tells me that.
I've given up the reigns of control a very long time ago. Once I recognized it was an illusion only.
I still have a hard time with others who don't understand that with my son, though....
L'Chaim!
(to Life!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 197
well....from a mom that has loss her 20 yr old son to drugs.....after the fact.....it really doesn't matter.
you'll blame yourself anyway.
one day, you'll give yourself a break and realize that you really didn't have control of it and that it's part of a much bigger plan.
all the preparation in the world will not matter when you realize the finality of it all. no more second chances to get the relationship right, no more chances to apologize or to hug your son/daughter.......at that point it's too late.
i think concentrate on the small victories in your relationships -- i'm not saying just turn your head to their problems.....i'm just saying that once IT does happen (and I pray it doesn't happen to you) -- when they are gone -- little of what Dr. Drew says will really matter.
thanks.
you'll blame yourself anyway.
one day, you'll give yourself a break and realize that you really didn't have control of it and that it's part of a much bigger plan.
all the preparation in the world will not matter when you realize the finality of it all. no more second chances to get the relationship right, no more chances to apologize or to hug your son/daughter.......at that point it's too late.
i think concentrate on the small victories in your relationships -- i'm not saying just turn your head to their problems.....i'm just saying that once IT does happen (and I pray it doesn't happen to you) -- when they are gone -- little of what Dr. Drew says will really matter.
thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
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And from a son and a brother and a lover of GF for 10 yrs.
when you lose both parents 2 brothers and a lover GF in a very short time
I had to seek professional help to come to terms with it all, diagnosed with PTSS and some anti depressants seem to help, and some incourageing words. seem to help a little.
GOD BLESS US ALL
when you lose both parents 2 brothers and a lover GF in a very short time
I had to seek professional help to come to terms with it all, diagnosed with PTSS and some anti depressants seem to help, and some incourageing words. seem to help a little.
GOD BLESS US ALL
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I've never lost a child, but I have lost parents, aunts and uncles. My take is that the correct answer is in the Serenity Prayer, as modified by yours truly.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the disease I cannot change
The courage to intervene when appropriate
and the wisdom to know the difference.
What I have learned in al-anon is that there are _no_ easy answers. There is no way for me to come up with a rule that will tell me when to help my father, and when to back away. Each time it's going to be different and each time I'm going to have to step back and pray, call my sponsor, read the literature, go to a meeting.
I have no doubt in my mind and in my heart that there were times I _should_ have stepped in and helped my father, my mother, my aunts and uncles. That my failing to step in hurt them. And I'm just as sure there were other times when I should have stayed out, and that stepping in is what hurt them.
If it were as simple as just making one rule to fit all drunks, and all situations, there would be no need for hospitals, shrinks, recovery centers, 12 step programs, court cards, and on and on and on.
That's why they call it a "family disease". Because it hurts those who don't drink. Simply loving a person who drinks is enough to cause you harm, one way or another.
I know today that I did the best I could for my Father, my Mother, aunts and uncles. I made mistakes, but they were caused by my lack of a crystal ball that would allow me to see the future perfectly. I don't know if any of those mistakes were the cause of their ultimate death due to alcohol, perhaps they were. Perhaps not.
I do know that if they had gotten their tushes into recovery my mistakes would not have mattered. It was the disease of alcholism that forced me into a situation where I was also hurt, and left with a legacy of guilt.
I did my best, it was the disease that made my best irrelevant in the end. Today I still do my best, but in other areas where I have a better chance of being useful. I have forgiven my crazy family for what they did, I pray for their souls and then pray for those still living. I use the serenity prayer pretty much every day, and modify it liberally to taste
Now I have grand-kids to worry about. Dunno what the future has for them, as I still have not found my crystal ball. Whatever it may be, I will do my best and let _their_ HP guide them in their own life, much like I have been guided in mine.
Mike
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the disease I cannot change
The courage to intervene when appropriate
and the wisdom to know the difference.
What I have learned in al-anon is that there are _no_ easy answers. There is no way for me to come up with a rule that will tell me when to help my father, and when to back away. Each time it's going to be different and each time I'm going to have to step back and pray, call my sponsor, read the literature, go to a meeting.
I have no doubt in my mind and in my heart that there were times I _should_ have stepped in and helped my father, my mother, my aunts and uncles. That my failing to step in hurt them. And I'm just as sure there were other times when I should have stayed out, and that stepping in is what hurt them.
If it were as simple as just making one rule to fit all drunks, and all situations, there would be no need for hospitals, shrinks, recovery centers, 12 step programs, court cards, and on and on and on.
That's why they call it a "family disease". Because it hurts those who don't drink. Simply loving a person who drinks is enough to cause you harm, one way or another.
I know today that I did the best I could for my Father, my Mother, aunts and uncles. I made mistakes, but they were caused by my lack of a crystal ball that would allow me to see the future perfectly. I don't know if any of those mistakes were the cause of their ultimate death due to alcohol, perhaps they were. Perhaps not.
I do know that if they had gotten their tushes into recovery my mistakes would not have mattered. It was the disease of alcholism that forced me into a situation where I was also hurt, and left with a legacy of guilt.
I did my best, it was the disease that made my best irrelevant in the end. Today I still do my best, but in other areas where I have a better chance of being useful. I have forgiven my crazy family for what they did, I pray for their souls and then pray for those still living. I use the serenity prayer pretty much every day, and modify it liberally to taste
Now I have grand-kids to worry about. Dunno what the future has for them, as I still have not found my crystal ball. Whatever it may be, I will do my best and let _their_ HP guide them in their own life, much like I have been guided in mine.
Mike
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
QUOTE; "all moms of addicts have a fantasy that if we don't stay engaged with our addict child, our child will die."
Fantasy is the wrong word. I have a Need to know he is OK and I know my son will not die if he doesnt speak to me. He has learnt to survive in that crazy world.
Fantasy is the wrong word. I have a Need to know he is OK and I know my son will not die if he doesnt speak to me. He has learnt to survive in that crazy world.
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