zoolu58

My Only Son is an unprofessed addict. I love him soo much. I can't stand the thought of losing him. He is living homeless in Escondido, CA. I need to find him and get him into treatment.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

There are a lot of mom's and a few dad's here that are going through, or have been through, exactly what you are going through right now.

I am a recovering addict, but I come to this forum because I'm a huge codie (codependent) and am learning about things I can't control.

How old is your son. I can tell you that unless HE wants to go into recovery from addiction, no amount of love, money, or treatment will make him get clean. You will learn the 3 c's, like I have - you didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. I didn't get clean until the consequences of my using got too much for me.

There will be many more around in a bit to welcome you, and you will find a ton of ES&H (experience, strength, & hope).

You may want to read through some other posts...I'm sure you will find a story similar to yours.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sleepygoat

Welcome, zoolu. There are many here who have been thru exactly what you are going thru. This is a wonderful place to came for support and help - for you. My daughter (also my only child) had also been missing and homeless and I totally understand the feelings of fear, grief, frustration and powerlessness. Unfortunately, we can't get our addict kids into treatment unless they themselves are willing to go.

Back in May, the pain of not knowing where she was became so unbearable I chose to hire a private investigator to find my daughter. Actually, I don't recommend this except as a last resort. While he did get information that let to my finding her, she was not ready to get clean. It was worth it in the sense that since that time, she has kept in touch with me, but most of them turn up anyway, whether we look for them or not.

While many here have children who are continuing to use drugs in spite of all the consequences, there are also many whose children have entered recovery and are clean today. I take a lot of hope from that fact - since there is hope for every addict. What is so difficult to deal with for me is to have to watch the destruction unfold. However, I know that enabling and sheltering them from the consequences of their using only prolongs it. They have to suffer (and unfortunately, we suffer right along with them) until they are ready to try another way to live.

Meanwhile, I can pray, get support and hope from other parents of addicts, and live my own life as best I can on any given day.

I will say a prayer for you and your son.

marle

Firs of all, welcome to SR. This place can literally save your life. It did mine. Secondly, rehab only offers a chance to get clean, it is not a guarantee. Some addicts will get clean being forced into a rehab, but most will not. Those that do, I believe, are ready and the intervention came at the right time. My daughter is my addict, 21, only child, living with a boyfriend who is 38 and addicted to crack and buys all her drugs. She uses opiates. What I have found is if they are not ready, they are not ready. I no longer try to force recovery on my daughter, but she knows that I love her and am here to help when she is ready. It takes what it takes is a good thing to remember. The best help you can be to your son is to get yourself healthy and live your life to its fullest no matter what he is doing. That way when and if he is ready, you will be better able to help him. I know it is hard, but there is a better way for you. Hugs, Marle

CatsPajamas

Hi Zoo, and welcome to SR. This is the most wonderful place to be. I am always sad for the circumstances that brings someone to SR, but glad for the opportunity to make another new friend in recovery.

The sad truth is that you can´t force anyone to get sober or to go into treatment. But, you can learn more about the disease of addiction, and you can learn about the differences between enabling and allowing someone the dignity to experience their own consequences.

Big hugs from mom to mom
Cats

notsleepingwell

(((Zoo)))
You've come to the right place. This forum was a life saver for me. My daughter was 29 when I discovered her addiction. (it had been in progress quite awhile, but denial is a powerful thang)

I had her son removed from her, which she tells me helped spiral her into some depths I cannot even imagine.....(addict logic). Thank god I had her son removed so he did not have to experience homelessness, and her hooking to maintain her habit.

Today, thanks to methadone, we are taking baby steps to recovery. She went to rehab, but I thank the methadone for where we are today. Her and her boyfriend are currently living with me, and while I'm sure that's the wrong thing to do...lol....they have a deadline of the end of January to find a place...and whether they have one or not...they are out!!!

Just one year ago, I was hoping she would die and spare us any more misery, cause I thought that would be the best thing for her son!!! I didn't want him seeing his mother hooking on a street corner!! She weighed 89lbs at that time....and tells me today, she thought she looked HOT!! I told her she looked like she just got outta a concentration camp!!!

Anyway, sorry to ramble on here, but just wanted you to know...THERE is hope. She was missing for 7 mos, then did a search for me, and found me!!

Prayers for you and your family....

NSW

P.S. I used to drive the streets at night when I could, looking for her...it was all in vain, she found me, when she was ready!!

devastated

I read your post and am so very sorry that yet one more parent has been affected by the outcome of drug use.

My son is 45 years old and has been a drug user since he was probably 13 years old. Presently he is back in prison for the fourth or fifth time. His daughter is 19 and he believes that she is now using drugs as well. The reason I bring this up is because I spoke with him last night about his daughter and here were his very words:

"There is nothing in this world that we can do to stop her from using drugs! No amount of begging, crying, threatening, or promises can stop her from this behavior. The only time she will stop is when she is sick and tired of being cold, hungry and being without a permanent place to live."

He told me I probably do not understand the world of an addict, but he did and knows that when they are ready to surrender they will. In the meantime we are helpless.

There you have it. Directly from the mouth of an addict!

Therefore, even if you found him and drug him into a rehab, if he isn't ready to surrender, not even this will help him. Rehabs aren't a magic wand either. Sometimes it takes many trips to rehabs before they pickup enough tools to work a program.

The only power we do have is the power of prayer and hope.

In the meantime, Zoolu, keep coming back to the forum. You are not alone believe me, we are all here together. Whether you need strength or encouragement or even just to vent, we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers coming your way
Devastated

rahsue

Hi and welcome to the family.

I'm the mother of a heroin addict.

It is so very hard isn't it, to watch our babies destroy their lives?
Does your son know that you will help him when he is ready to be sober? Thats about all you can do as far as the addiction goes. Let him know that when he's ready you can help him get into a facility. When that day comes, have some phone numbers ready for him and sit him in front of the phone and let him call.
Sounds alittle cold hearted huh? but guess what, there's almost nothing we as parents can do until they are ready.
You need to stay strong and healthy, read all you can here and anywhere else you can learn about addiction because knowledge is power. By power I mean for the sake of your sanity you need to know what goes on in the world of having an addict for a loved one.

good luck and stick around, there are some really smart people here.

mooselips

zoolu58,
Hi, and welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mother of 2 addict sons.
And I have nothing to add that hasn't been said, except, have faith.



Hugs,

Summerteeth

All I can tell you is that there is hope. I can't believe I can even say that, I became so cynical after dealing with my alcoholic sister and drug addicted father, I believed there was no end to the suffering that we were going through. Not too long ago I would have not been able to offer you any optimism, but now I can. Please don't ever give up on your son. Sometimes all people need to realize is that they have something to live for. Never give up.

Spiritual Seeker

(((((((zoolu58))))) Hugs
Hi, and welcome from another mom of 23 yr old AS (addicted son).
I know exactly how you are feeling. Good luck finding your son. I found my son once in San Francisco.
No advice, just my ESH (experience, strength + hope)
I use to have a big need to get my son in treatment + sober for a long long time.
Now I know that I am powerless over him + his problem.
My main need is to take care of myself so that as his disease progresses I don't become a basket case eaten alive by sadness.
All the parents here come to live side by side in addiction with their children in different ways. Please stick around to see the great support, wisdom and love here.
Please keep posting your story too.

zoolu58

Thanks so much everyone. I do have a desire to go find him, but he hasn't even admitted to me that he has a problem. Someone else is always worse than he is. Without a job, truck, place to live, money or family, I don't know where bottom is. I tell him I love him. That's all I can do for now.

Wascally Wabbit

I know that fear. My oldest son was homeless and sleeping in peoples yards for a year.
I hope you find the help you need. I also can tell you from experience that if your son is not commited to recovering from addiction, nothing will change.
I am sorry you have to go through this. A parents heart always hurts more than anything.

marle

You know telling your son that you love him is a huge thing. Don't discount that. Hugs, Marle

marteen

Yes, that really is just about all you can do for now. I am the mother of a nearly 27 yr old addict daughter, who we had to kick out of our home when she was 18 because of all the chaos and lying. (We have another 3 yr younger sober daughter and our lives that were being shattered, to think about).

I was one of the lucky ones who learned early that I had to concentrate on MY recovery and learn to "let go" and let God. It just wasn't MY life to control or try to fix. Of course, we offered help and at first tried what we could but I learned that we could not control what she didn't want help with; it had to come from her and after all these years, she is saying and more importantly, behaving like she is clean and is back in our lives. We are taking baby steps but she says she always knew we loved her but there was nothing we could do to help her. It had to come from within her and for her own reasons. She has a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and she says that is the reason she has turned her life around. I pray that it has.

I had a friend who tried to help her only son, who was an addict living on the streets. She had a wonderful paying job as an education sr. manager at an insurance co. She took a 2nd mortgage on her house and paid nearly 25,000.00 to send him to a wonderful rehab center here where I live. When she asked me about it, I tried to advise her against it, knowing it would be a hardship for her but she refused to listen to anything. So, I supported her through it and we both prayed it would work. He did great, they had wonderful group sessions, and the 3rd day out of the program, he left her house (after signing a "contract" regarding his behavior and responsibilities for living with her) and that was the last time she saw him until she saw him back on the streets again, actively using. She did it again, a 2nd time when he "conned" her into sending him back because he was sick of being on the streets. I told her then that if he was really sincere about becoming clean again, there were either low-cost or NO-cost programs that he could go into. She wouldn't hear of it and borrowed another 25 grand!

I'm sorry this is so long but the end of this story is that her son is still an active addict living on the streets, she lost her home and her job and had to move to another state to a relative who let her move in and she is in worst shape than he. By trying to "fix" and control things, she completely lost herself and she definately is the one who needs recovery. Better to get it ahead of time and save all that pain and agony. Now, she is not even living near the son she worries so much about and she is a basket-case. She never focused on HER or HER life; now she has lost so much of it.

Yes, love your child and always tell him that he can change his life if he wants to and you will emotionally support him but take care of you so you can be around when he takes care of himself.

Hugs,
Marteen

Nina Kay

Welcome zoolu, to SR and especially this forum. As has already been said, there are lots of Mothers and Dads here with addicted children. I'm so sorry for that, but I'm so happy that we have all found each other here so that we can support and encourage one another through these devastating times in our lives. I went through 8 horrifying nightmarish years of dealing with my precious son that is an alcoholic\addict, without ever knowing that there was a way that I could be with and talk to others that could understand what all I was going through from actual experiences of their own. Nobody ever could understand what we are feeling without personally experiencing it, that's for sure. So I'm really happy for you that you've found this place alot sooner than I did. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often because it'll help you so much more than you can know. I'm so sorry that you are going through such heartbreak and downright terror. I do understand truly. (((((((((((((Comforting Hugs))))))))))))))))

zoolu58

I had my own suicide attempt a couple months ago. My youngest wanted to live with her Dad and it broke my heart. My son has battled with addiction for at least ten years. As a single Mom, it's so easy to say somehow this is my fault. I must have done something that led to this behavior. All the responses I have gotten and read have helped me understand that it is HIS choice to live this way and not how he was raised.

marteen

((((zoolu)))))

I am so sorry! Yes, as a mother, any mother, it is so very easy to accept that we must have caused this somehow or another and should have tried so much more!

NO, NO, NO - it is not YOUR fault; your son's life is NOT yours to be responsible for. You raised him and I'm sure like all the rest of us humans, you made mistakes. (I've been around for a while and I have yet to meet anyone perfect!!!) But once your child is an adult and starts making his own decisions, YOU have nothing to do with it. They don't start "using" because of or in spite of you; contrary to what a most of us believe at first, they don't do it to hurt US; and they don't stop because of US. They make a decision albeit a bad one and they have to figure out where they want that decision to take them. We cannot control it or "fix" it.

Please take care of you and don't take the burden of this on your shoulders - keep in mind the 3 C's - You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.

You can only control how much the addict's behavior controls YOU.

Focus on you - you deserve it.

Hugs,
Marteen

Nina Kay

I'm not a single Mom and I believed that it was somehow my fault too. That's one of the most important things that I have learned after meeting parents from all walks of life that have addicted children, we didn't cause it. That was something that lifted alot of my burden. Also seeing that none of these same parents, no matter what their capabilities were could control it or cure it. That also lifted another large burden off of me. I had tried everything that I could think of, several times over, in my determined and desperate pursuit to save my wonderful son and nothing had worked. I know that for me, I was going to keep trying until it killed me, if that's what it took, because I'm his Mom and I'm supposed to be able to save my children from everything. But listening to all of the others made me realize that I was beating myself against a brick wall that wasn't about to move for anyone or anything and so many loving parents before me had already been there and tried that and it didn't work for them either. Then I knew that it was all above me and I was powerless over this monster. Then I knew that it was alright to step back and let God do what only God could do.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much pain already and with your other child too, but in a different way. I hope that you'll hang with us often and if there's any way that you could find an Alanon or Naranon Meeting near you, the face-to face meetings with others like us, is so wonderful.

zoolu58

I do tend NOT to listen to people closest to me. All of you being that YOU know what all this involves help me to make better decisions about what to do. Everyone tells me to get help but I find this a greater source. Thank You!