Flashbacks and an icky question
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Flashbacks and an icky question
Any of you ever have flashbacks? Like you'll be doing something and bammo, a not-so-good memory will hit you? I suppose everyone has. But anyway, I have a question which may be better answered by the men on SR.
I just was in the shower this morning, and I remember how a couple times my XABF opened the door when I was showering on his boat, and wanted to urinate. On ME! I danced around and got out of range, but man I have never heard of anyone wanting to do that before or since. :wtf2
Now I'm something of a prude, I suppose, but that's one of those things that I just don't "get." Is that a guy thing? It struck me as him trying to demean me, because for him it was a small thing in the big ugly picture! But I mainly got showered in the morning, so he wasn't particularly trashed by then, just on a maintenance drip of alcohol.
I just was in the shower this morning, and I remember how a couple times my XABF opened the door when I was showering on his boat, and wanted to urinate. On ME! I danced around and got out of range, but man I have never heard of anyone wanting to do that before or since. :wtf2
Now I'm something of a prude, I suppose, but that's one of those things that I just don't "get." Is that a guy thing? It struck me as him trying to demean me, because for him it was a small thing in the big ugly picture! But I mainly got showered in the morning, so he wasn't particularly trashed by then, just on a maintenance drip of alcohol.
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Yea C, I'v heard of this junk before, I think its a porn thing to sell more smut,
some guys have a hard time seperating fantasy from reality. I don't think I'v ever seen it , and some things I don't want to see. sounds degradeing to me.
Like in the movie 9 1/2 weeks the crazyer he got the sicker he got.
Flash backs are like garbage in a truck, their rolling by, thank God their Rolling by.
some guys have a hard time seperating fantasy from reality. I don't think I'v ever seen it , and some things I don't want to see. sounds degradeing to me.
Like in the movie 9 1/2 weeks the crazyer he got the sicker he got.
Flash backs are like garbage in a truck, their rolling by, thank God their Rolling by.
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I think its a porn thing to sell more smut They do that in porn flicks?
Some guys have a hard time seperating fantasy from reality Wow, his entire life is fantasy. Funny you mentioned that. He had me believing a lot of stuff like he was a starter for the FSU football team, worked for "the Donald" as a consultant, and a lot of other BS, and finally some people clued me in that he was "small potatoes" on most of the stuff he was slinging.
Some guys have a hard time seperating fantasy from reality Wow, his entire life is fantasy. Funny you mentioned that. He had me believing a lot of stuff like he was a starter for the FSU football team, worked for "the Donald" as a consultant, and a lot of other BS, and finally some people clued me in that he was "small potatoes" on most of the stuff he was slinging.
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Hey there Claudia. I'm _really_ glad you got out of that relationship. There is _no_ excuse for such behavior.
Flashback is a word that gets used for many different things. Medically, it's caused by certain kinds of medications getting incompletely absorbed by a human body. Little pockets of the medication will acumulate, usually in fatty tissues, and months or years later the pocket will come loose and the person will experience the effects of the medication all over again.
A whole different kind of "flashback" is the emotional type, like what you just described. We usually call those "triggers", and they're very common when somebody goes thru a deeply disturbing emotional trauma.
My ex-wife and I used to have great times going out to a chain restaurant out here called "Claim Jumper". After the divorce I found myself unable to walk in the place without turning into a bawling puddle. That's a classic "trigger" or "flashback". What I have done is the al-anon concept of "baby-steps". I started by going to a fast food joint across the street, then I would just walk past the front door, then I went in and ordered take out. Little by little I created _new_ memories of the restaurant with which to replace the old. Today I once again _like_ the place, because it reminds me of the _good_ times I had with my ex.
Getting urinated on is hugely disgusting, demeaning, degrading and beyond insulting. Obviously he was conscious, so there is absolutely no excuse. No, it is _not_ a man thing. One of the deepest, strongest lessons a man is taught as a child is to _respect_ women, especially the one who is our partner. This animal never learned that lesson, so he is clearly not a man. He's some kind of vermin that belongs on the bottom of a sewer pipe. Good riddance.
Mike
Flashback is a word that gets used for many different things. Medically, it's caused by certain kinds of medications getting incompletely absorbed by a human body. Little pockets of the medication will acumulate, usually in fatty tissues, and months or years later the pocket will come loose and the person will experience the effects of the medication all over again.
A whole different kind of "flashback" is the emotional type, like what you just described. We usually call those "triggers", and they're very common when somebody goes thru a deeply disturbing emotional trauma.
My ex-wife and I used to have great times going out to a chain restaurant out here called "Claim Jumper". After the divorce I found myself unable to walk in the place without turning into a bawling puddle. That's a classic "trigger" or "flashback". What I have done is the al-anon concept of "baby-steps". I started by going to a fast food joint across the street, then I would just walk past the front door, then I went in and ordered take out. Little by little I created _new_ memories of the restaurant with which to replace the old. Today I once again _like_ the place, because it reminds me of the _good_ times I had with my ex.
Getting urinated on is hugely disgusting, demeaning, degrading and beyond insulting. Obviously he was conscious, so there is absolutely no excuse. No, it is _not_ a man thing. One of the deepest, strongest lessons a man is taught as a child is to _respect_ women, especially the one who is our partner. This animal never learned that lesson, so he is clearly not a man. He's some kind of vermin that belongs on the bottom of a sewer pipe. Good riddance.
Mike
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I think its a porn thing to sell more smut They do that in porn flicks?
thank goodness it is only a quick flash & POOF!
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I have had a few instances of flashback from my childhood breaking through. One day I was just standing on my deck talking and suddenly remembered my mother trying to committ suicide in front of me when I was 12. Totally knocked me for a loop!
In that case I think it was a memory coming out that my subconscious decided I was ready to deal with. I was too.
In that case I think it was a memory coming out that my subconscious decided I was ready to deal with. I was too.
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Barbara that is also my understanding of more the 20 years of therapy (off and on)
When I was in my late teens and early 20’s I spent a lot of time with doctors trying to figure out not only why I was not remembering, but also why I was so angry and that seemed to be the only emotion I really felt. After 3 years of therapy twice a week and group therapy, Al-anon and today CoDA there are still chunks that I don’t remember or I will remember the actual and not the emotional….. then Boom…. A trigger happens or a I just become ready and the emotion will come to the surface.
An example of this was when my daughter was about 2 ½. She wanted to climb on the deck of my second story apartment, needless to say she was removed and told no. When she did this the 3rd time I put her in her room and popped her on the bottom and told her know…. That was the very first time I had “spanked” my daughter and she was stunned and reacted accordingly….. so she came out of the room yelling and crying… Next thing I know I’m on the floor in a puddle because of old memories that I did not know were there of myself and listening to her cry was for me reliving the emotion that I could not live the first time around.
This still happens from time to time but today I have spent enough time digging inside of myself that I’m better prepared when it does. I just keep working on me and things just get better.
As far as the other….. My opinion is he is sick sick sick
When I was in my late teens and early 20’s I spent a lot of time with doctors trying to figure out not only why I was not remembering, but also why I was so angry and that seemed to be the only emotion I really felt. After 3 years of therapy twice a week and group therapy, Al-anon and today CoDA there are still chunks that I don’t remember or I will remember the actual and not the emotional….. then Boom…. A trigger happens or a I just become ready and the emotion will come to the surface.
An example of this was when my daughter was about 2 ½. She wanted to climb on the deck of my second story apartment, needless to say she was removed and told no. When she did this the 3rd time I put her in her room and popped her on the bottom and told her know…. That was the very first time I had “spanked” my daughter and she was stunned and reacted accordingly….. so she came out of the room yelling and crying… Next thing I know I’m on the floor in a puddle because of old memories that I did not know were there of myself and listening to her cry was for me reliving the emotion that I could not live the first time around.
This still happens from time to time but today I have spent enough time digging inside of myself that I’m better prepared when it does. I just keep working on me and things just get better.
As far as the other….. My opinion is he is sick sick sick
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in addition to what Mike shared, which I agree wholeheartedly with, animals (operative word being "animals") mark "their" territory with their urine.
So, in addition to demeaning and insulting and vulgar, it is an act of the lowest animal brain function that has no place in a love relationship.
So, in addition to demeaning and insulting and vulgar, it is an act of the lowest animal brain function that has no place in a love relationship.
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"Getting urinated on is hugely disgusting, demeaning, degrading and beyond insulting. Obviously he was conscious, so there is absolutely no excuse. No, it is _not_ a man thing. One of the deepest, strongest lessons a man is taught as a child is to _respect_ women, especially the one who is our partner. This animal never learned that lesson, so he is clearly not a man. He's some kind of vermin that belongs on the bottom of a sewer pipe. Good riddance."
THANK YOU!!! for confirming my own sense of self-worth and respect. Mike, what you said needed repeated again. And I'm going to READ it again and again! At the time I thought "OMG, euuuu! Surely this is not supposed to be some turn on?!" He made it seem like a playful thing and while it bothered me, I put it aside. Then there were the incidents on the cruise, where he tried to belittle me at every opportunity, and the whole thing came together. He is a mysogynistic SOB and calling him an animal demeans animals!
I question my own moral code sometimes as being waaaaay too restrictive, however I couldn't get past his mouth and the shower incident. Oh, and more! I know some people get into anal sex (and that's their business) but he wanted to do it "so you'll be completely mine." Thank God that required him being "able" to have sex (which he wasn't).
OMG, does anyone else wonder in hindsight "why did I put UP with that?" Is it because it was a little at a time, and there were good times mixed in?
I suppose some shrink would say all this is because he's a clone of his SOB father, and he is punishing his mother for having lost the family to foster homes when he was young. The hate for women seems to be oozing from him, as he dates older "mother figures" who take his abuse. Why, I'm not sure, but that's another topic for another forum! All I know is that the direction he was going was not one I was going to accompany him on, and that was BESIDES the alcoholism.
THANK YOU!!! for confirming my own sense of self-worth and respect. Mike, what you said needed repeated again. And I'm going to READ it again and again! At the time I thought "OMG, euuuu! Surely this is not supposed to be some turn on?!" He made it seem like a playful thing and while it bothered me, I put it aside. Then there were the incidents on the cruise, where he tried to belittle me at every opportunity, and the whole thing came together. He is a mysogynistic SOB and calling him an animal demeans animals!
I question my own moral code sometimes as being waaaaay too restrictive, however I couldn't get past his mouth and the shower incident. Oh, and more! I know some people get into anal sex (and that's their business) but he wanted to do it "so you'll be completely mine." Thank God that required him being "able" to have sex (which he wasn't).
OMG, does anyone else wonder in hindsight "why did I put UP with that?" Is it because it was a little at a time, and there were good times mixed in?
I suppose some shrink would say all this is because he's a clone of his SOB father, and he is punishing his mother for having lost the family to foster homes when he was young. The hate for women seems to be oozing from him, as he dates older "mother figures" who take his abuse. Why, I'm not sure, but that's another topic for another forum! All I know is that the direction he was going was not one I was going to accompany him on, and that was BESIDES the alcoholism.
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Originally Posted by CBrown 
OMG, does anyone else wonder in hindsight "why did I put UP with that?" Is it because it was a little at a time, and there were good times mixed in?
For me it comes down to figuring why the heck I married the man, knowing he was an alcoholic (but not really letting that thought be real if you know what I mean).
I am coming to understand that for an as yet unknown reason, I was willing to put aside the strong, confident, self-reliant me and become a doormat rescuer.
I have partial understandings. I was approaching 50 and was thinking I was running out of time for a new life partner, I bought the false persona he presented, I was unwilling to admit I was making a mistake and went on with the plans to marrying despite the red flags and warning voices in my head.
I have yet to figure out why these things were true for me. Lots of work ahead on that. But its work I am looking forward to doing because I am moving toward a healthier me.
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I have been able to figure out some of the puzzle. I don't know if I'll ever figure it all out! Part of the reason I put up with unacceptable behavior is that I didn't really value myself as an individual. I had been trained all my life to believe that a woman is nothing without a man. I rejected this thinking on an intellectual level, but what I've learned through therapy and reading is that things get "printed" on your unconcious long before you have the ability to think about them rationally. So, even though my mature brain was that of a strong, independent, liberated woman, my unconcious was still playing the tapes that I learned as a child. That I needed someone else to validate me and give me worth. It's difficult to change those learned behaviors, especially when you don't even realize what they are.
L
L
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LTD, I am beginning to believe way more than I thought is attributable to the learned behaviors from being an ACOA. For a long time I rejected that as being an excuse for my bad choices but the influences are most definitely there. I am still responsible for the bad choices but I am understanding more of the reasons why I made bad choices.
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"So, even though my mature brain was that of a strong, independent, liberated woman, my unconcious was still playing the tapes that I learned as a child."
YES, this is true! I AM a strong, independent person. So how did I get roped into this past year's relationship with R? Well, I wanted to be a rescuer, and slowly but surely little things happened and I realized I was well & truly caught in a web. I followed in the footsteps of my parents' relationship subconsciously, I'm discovering. When I was in Florida with R, I became the rescuer doormat. When I was at home in Ohio, I was strong and independent. It's not like I became a doormat overnight, it was ever so slowly, one teeny step at a time. By the end of summer, he thought he could do some pretty awful things and with the help of a friend I woke up. Enough! I said, and off he went!
Even so, I still miss the Fantasy R that I had created over all those years while I was away from him. I remember going to visit him and he never matched up to that great guy. Sometimes the mind plays some awful tricks on a person!
YES, this is true! I AM a strong, independent person. So how did I get roped into this past year's relationship with R? Well, I wanted to be a rescuer, and slowly but surely little things happened and I realized I was well & truly caught in a web. I followed in the footsteps of my parents' relationship subconsciously, I'm discovering. When I was in Florida with R, I became the rescuer doormat. When I was at home in Ohio, I was strong and independent. It's not like I became a doormat overnight, it was ever so slowly, one teeny step at a time. By the end of summer, he thought he could do some pretty awful things and with the help of a friend I woke up. Enough! I said, and off he went!
Even so, I still miss the Fantasy R that I had created over all those years while I was away from him. I remember going to visit him and he never matched up to that great guy. Sometimes the mind plays some awful tricks on a person!
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Originally Posted by CBrown
[I]He is a mysogynistic SOB and calling him an animal demeans animals!
It's me, CciRider. No, I am not going to beat you up here. You are going through the anger and resentment phase for having allowed yourself to stay with a guy like that. Are you angry at him for treating you like that or are you angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated like that? Making comments like the one above may make you feel better, but they will prevent you from moving forward in your recovery. I could chime in here and tell you what a low life turd he was (and still is) and that he belongs at the bottom of a sewer pipe, and although that may make you feel good in the moment, when the feeling wears off, and it will, you will start feeling bad again. It's like a drug, isn't it? I have been there, oh yes I have. What happens next when the good feeling of trashing him wears off? You are going to go back to trashing him some more to make yourself feel better, but you know what is going to happen? You got it! That is the cycle of addiction. You are addicted to your XABF and you need to break the cycle of addiction.
Everyone has their own time line for recovery (some never recover), so I am not going to push the issue here. God knows I have been addicted to a lot of things and a lot of people in my life. I can tell you that the only way to overcome an addiction is to practise abstinence from what you are addicted to, no matter what it may be including people. My non-professional advice for you is to put today behind you and decide that tomorrow is a new day. Abstain from saying anything bad to anyone about your XABF any more. If somebody brings the subject up, tell them that you don't want to say anything bad about him and move on to some other subject. Tell people that you wish him the best of luck and that you wish the same for yourself. Believe me, people are going to respect you a lot more for doing that rather than trashing him.
Right now you are stuck in the cycle of addiction, and abstinence is the only way out. I am not saying that you can't remember him or talk about him. I am saying that you need to abstain from saying anything bad about him to others. Until you start to practise abstinence, you will always be in the cycle of addiction and you will only be prolonging your own recovery. Everybody has their own time line for recovery. I had mine and you have yours, so I won't be pushing you into recovery. However, don't delude yourself into thinking that there is such a thing as recovery without abstinence.
Originally Posted by CBrown
I suppose some shrink would say all this is because he's a clone of his SOB father, and he is punishing his mother for having lost the family to foster homes when he was young.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by CBrown
.... I question my own moral code sometimes as being waaaaay too restrictive...
I see sex as a _shared_ act of love, and therefore it must be well within the moral code of the people involved. Anything else is degrading.
Originally Posted by CBrown
....OMG, does anyone else wonder in hindsight "why did I put UP with that?" Is it because it was a little at a time, and there were good times mixed in? ....
I got into al-anon and worked the program to the point that I "un-dormated" myself. I will never again tolerate such behavior in a partner, or a friend. Whadya know, I'm now dating a lady who feels exactly the same way I do.
Mike
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"Making comments like the one above may make you feel better, but they will prevent you from moving forward in your recovery."
This is where you are wrong ... at least today. For ten years I cast him in the light of the "misunderstood man who overcame a horrible childhood and has issues, so he needs compassion and understanding." Phooey. There come a time when you have to realize that a person is running a game and needs to be called out as a psycho. Am I angry? At times you bet I am. I'm angry because I wasn't savvy enough to recognize a psychopath when I see one. I'm angry because he knew I was a decent, trusting person and he chose to run his game of lies and deceit, knowing that I was not in contact with anyone else who could set me straight. Yes, I know I should be recovered, but for heaven's sake give me a little time. It's been just a couple months and while I've come a long way, there are still stages of grief that I go through.
Am I stuck in a cycle of addiction? Sure. But guess what? Instead of drinking 25 drinks of him a day, I'm down to about 5. It's getting better, but I'm respecting the cycles as they come, dealing with them, and moving on. Many times it's reading other people's posts that get me going through the negative cycles. And, off-topic, I question whether some of the old-timers on here linger here not in support, but because it is an "acceptable" way of thinking about the people they are supposed to be detaching from. CC, you could probably express this theory better than I.
Should I stop badmouthing him? Absolutely. But not yet. Because that bad-mouthing will get my brain to realize that he IS an abhorrent human being (if you knew all his acts with women in the past, you would probably concur) and will break my former adoration of him. There's only a murder weapon that is separating him from being Scott Peterson's double, and that's no lie.
Mike, you are right. In the end I couldn't be in a "committed loving relationship" with a man whose moral code was so far at the opposite end of the spectrum. And then I found out he'd lied about his end of the "committed loving relationship" anyway! That and the emotional abuse were ultimately the deal-breakers.
This is where you are wrong ... at least today. For ten years I cast him in the light of the "misunderstood man who overcame a horrible childhood and has issues, so he needs compassion and understanding." Phooey. There come a time when you have to realize that a person is running a game and needs to be called out as a psycho. Am I angry? At times you bet I am. I'm angry because I wasn't savvy enough to recognize a psychopath when I see one. I'm angry because he knew I was a decent, trusting person and he chose to run his game of lies and deceit, knowing that I was not in contact with anyone else who could set me straight. Yes, I know I should be recovered, but for heaven's sake give me a little time. It's been just a couple months and while I've come a long way, there are still stages of grief that I go through.
Am I stuck in a cycle of addiction? Sure. But guess what? Instead of drinking 25 drinks of him a day, I'm down to about 5. It's getting better, but I'm respecting the cycles as they come, dealing with them, and moving on. Many times it's reading other people's posts that get me going through the negative cycles. And, off-topic, I question whether some of the old-timers on here linger here not in support, but because it is an "acceptable" way of thinking about the people they are supposed to be detaching from. CC, you could probably express this theory better than I.
Should I stop badmouthing him? Absolutely. But not yet. Because that bad-mouthing will get my brain to realize that he IS an abhorrent human being (if you knew all his acts with women in the past, you would probably concur) and will break my former adoration of him. There's only a murder weapon that is separating him from being Scott Peterson's double, and that's no lie.
Mike, you are right. In the end I couldn't be in a "committed loving relationship" with a man whose moral code was so far at the opposite end of the spectrum. And then I found out he'd lied about his end of the "committed loving relationship" anyway! That and the emotional abuse were ultimately the deal-breakers.
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