I just understood something today....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
I just understood something today....
Since I left AH, I have learned more about myself and Life in general than I have in the past 38 years!!
After reading Kind eyes post today, something clicked in my mind (sorry if I am a but slow in this process) about the dynamics of my relationship with AH: it is so true that I have allowed my feelings, expectations, wishes to come last and AH relied on this. It was just routine, just a gut feeling I had that AH's likes and dislikes should come first when I had to make decisions. Why I did this is something that I have to work on... The situation was probably manageable before we had kids, but with them, again, my gut feeling dictated me to put them first and AH never coped with this new dynamic in our relationship, even though as usual, my own expectations were very last on my list of priorities.
Well, I reached my rock bottom and now, my children come first and me second. AH just does not know how to deal with the new me, apart from saying I have become nasty and spiteful. His new tactic is to twist his own expectations into something that has to do with the kids, such as: "your leaving me is very bad for the kids's wellbeing. The boys need a father", Yep, that's true, kids need a father but not a drunk father was my reply...
Obviously, if I only realise all this dynamic today, I still have a long road ahead of me but this type of realisation is so amazing to me.....
Again, Thank you all for your amazing insights and help throughout this journey!!! I couldn't have done what I did without you!
Lucy
After reading Kind eyes post today, something clicked in my mind (sorry if I am a but slow in this process) about the dynamics of my relationship with AH: it is so true that I have allowed my feelings, expectations, wishes to come last and AH relied on this. It was just routine, just a gut feeling I had that AH's likes and dislikes should come first when I had to make decisions. Why I did this is something that I have to work on... The situation was probably manageable before we had kids, but with them, again, my gut feeling dictated me to put them first and AH never coped with this new dynamic in our relationship, even though as usual, my own expectations were very last on my list of priorities.
Well, I reached my rock bottom and now, my children come first and me second. AH just does not know how to deal with the new me, apart from saying I have become nasty and spiteful. His new tactic is to twist his own expectations into something that has to do with the kids, such as: "your leaving me is very bad for the kids's wellbeing. The boys need a father", Yep, that's true, kids need a father but not a drunk father was my reply...
Obviously, if I only realise all this dynamic today, I still have a long road ahead of me but this type of realisation is so amazing to me.....
Again, Thank you all for your amazing insights and help throughout this journey!!! I couldn't have done what I did without you!
Lucy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Lucy, thankyou. Thank God we can learn a new way. Sometimes I find myself slipping into the old habits but now I can stop myself. We all need to remember we can't take care of anyone if we don't take care of ourself.
Learning how
Learning how
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
My mother always put herself second to her husband and her children. Growing up, I thought that's what mothers and women were supposed to do. It's a lesson I learned well. Too well. Now, I'm unlearning it.
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