redbear

My Husband has an alcohol problem and he say he wants to stop it. One of the biggest problems for him is saying NO when he is out of town of business. He has been trying to quit on and off for a year now. He just got his licence back from a three year suspension. I know when he is lying and out drinking, he gets just stupid and likes to call me nadty names, i guess it makes him feel better and it gives him the reason he needs to drink. I caught him in his lies on friday night and I called him at 2:30am and caught him driving his rental after the bar. Well needless to say in the morning after he tried to apologize once again, I lost it. I was very calm talking to him because i find yelling gets nowhere and no one hears you. I told him that I would call the police in every city he visits and all the rental companies to make sure no one will rent a car to him, so I could have a clear consience that he could not kill someone. I told him I was tired of his behavour, he was a 35 year old father, husband, adult, powerful business man and it was ime to grow up and smarten up before he loses it all. I hope he knows he is at his bottem of his barrel, His president of the company he works for knows of his drinking and has given him the choice to get his addiction under control or he is fired. So right now, his family, home, marriage, wife and career are on the way out the door if he does not act now.
Did i do the right thing by telling him i would call the police and rental companies if i think he is out drinking. He looks like he is at his bottom. He flew home for one day and left again this morning, i sent him an encouraging e-mail because he thinks i'm packing and moving right now. I told him, I loved him, i have trust in him and i have faith in him. should i have said that because right now, i'm at my bottom of the barrel in dealing with alcoholism with my mom and husband. I'm ready to leave them both.

redbear

He won't tell me how his boss found out, i did ask him if he got caught for DUI again because the last time his boss had to fly and pick up the rental. Should I just let him tell me in good time or should I be worried that the police are coming to my house soon

denny57

AH chose to lose his wife (me), his home, his lucrative career, most of his family and friends, and now has serious health problems.

He still drinks.

GiveLove

Redbear,

Wanting to quit isn't good enough. Taking concrete steps -- locating AA meetings, locating facilities for help, starting to work a program -- is the only thing that will save him from going over the cliff he's about to.

You already know that you can't do this for him. He has to choose it himself, or it simply won't "take." You can state your willingness to support him if he chooses life over liquor, but you must let him suffer the consequences of his actions.

You must do what's right for YOU, with YOUR life in mind. It sounds like that's what you tried to do with the rental car companies etc.....your conscience couldn't take the thought of him out there killing someone. However, that's not your responsibility, sad as it is. You may drive yourself nuts trying to second guess him and protect the world from his actions. You will also drive yourself nuts chasing him around, checking up on him, and protecting him from himself.

Really, all you can focus on is you: establishing some boundaries (you must be doing XX by YY date or else I'll need to ZZ for my own sanity) is a good start. Separating finances as much as possible so that his actions can't ruin you might also be good. And if you're not yet involved in an Al-Anon group, they can be wonderful sources of support and ideas.

Hugs to you in this tough time. I know how you feel because I've been there.

Kindeyes

RB
Do what you need to do for you. It's hard to do but put yourself first. If his boss is on board with the knowledge of his drinking, that's a very strong card. If your husband's company has an employee assistance program, perhaps you could talk to them and get help. And, of course, there is Alanon and/or counseling. Get help for you. It's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.....and for him.

gentle hugs

ccirider

I found this statistic very interesting:

EAPs and MAPs grew out of the need to help employees with alcohol and other drug use and addiction. Helping the employee who has problems with alcohol and/or drug addiction to seek counseling and encouraging and supporting them during the recovery process remains a primary focus of most. Studies find that 70-80% of people with alcoholism referred to treatment with the support of their employers and/or union are on the job leading productive, sober lives a year after referral.

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/treatme...addiction.html

1. The workplace offers a framework for counteracting the denial and manipulation that often accompany alcoholism. While people with this illness may be willing to sacrifice their home, friendships and even their family, many are not ready to risk their primary source of income. Employees tend to be, at least in the short term, dependent upon their employer as a source of income. This provides the employer with the opportunity to make certain demands on ill workers, pushing them to acknowledge their drinking problems and seek help.

redbear

Thank you for your advice...only time will tell if this is his bottom or he is willing to push himself off the cliff.

GiveLove

Good luck, redbear. We'll be pulling for you that you can find your way back to happiness, and that he hits bottom and rejoins life.

crocodile

I'm new at this, not the drinking, but the realization that nothing can change them.

My husband was arrested Halloween morning 2007 on his way to work at 7:30 a.m. with a blood alcohol level of .33 and two open intoxes, (an almost empty fifth of vodka and an empty pint of vodka).

You can threaten, yell, tell him you will leave, tell him you will divorce him, tell him all about never seeing his kids again, how he will end up alone and remorseful, how he might kill himself or a mini-van full of kids, you can tell him whatever, and although the "normal, sober" side of him can understand this, the alcoholic side of him will not "hear, nor understand" the words coming out of your mouth.

My AH has been a heavy drinker for many years, and a binge drinker for about 5 years (which is pretty sad considering he's only 30) and I have realized that giving a threat (divorce, leaving him, never seeing your kids again) may last a day or a week, but it will not last long.

Threating to call all the car companies is said in anger and desparity and he knows that.

HE WILL DRINK DESPITE WHAT YOU SAY OR DO.

That is the hardest part to get past, the realization that no matter what you say or do, the decision to quit is his and you WILL NOT be able to force him to make that choice.

You can make him stop drinking for a short period of time, or while you're around, but he can sneak it or start it up again at any time and lie about it. HE WILL NOT QUIT UNTIL HE WANTS TO. Nothing you say or do will change that. It's horrible to watch them ruin theirself, their lives, lie to everyone, lie to themselves, lie to you, their parents, their kids. It's just sad to watch a GOOD person lose theirself like that.

I really hope for your sake and your childrens sake that he makes the decision to quit and sticks with it, but also I hope that you are prepared to make a decision, either way, if he doesn't.

redbear

wow, Crocodile, first thank you for your words, I needed to hear them. Secondly, you are very strong for having to deal with the troubles and to be able to realize the facts of Addictions. I find it very hard to deal with my life, somedays I can be so strong and other days scared ******** i'm going to lose it all. I read my Alanon book daily, talk to Alanon, try to live the 12 traditions and steps, but it almost seems like I fall off the wagon and worry he will choose his addiction over his career, life and family. Is this normal or i'm i just loosing it?

amandasue

don't you just wish that there was some law put in place that made it impossible for alcoholics to purchase alcohol?

I think once someone is arrested for DWI they should get a special driverse license that says "do not sell alcohol to this person". with a penalty for anyone who sells to them or buys for them.

this could really save lives, unlike the stupid drunk driving laws they have right now that only make money for the state but doesn't help us stop the alcoholic from drunk driving again and again.

by the way, i know that as a spouse of an drunk driver it is very much your problem too! if he kills someone while driving drunk, the victims family will sue YOU TOO!!! your house, everything that you have can be taken away simply because your married to him.

FormerDoormat

Prohibition didn't stop people from drinking. Neither will special licenses. Friends, family, spouses, and coworkers can't stop alcoholics from drinking either. But for some bizzare reason, I thought I could be the first person in history to stop my alcoholic from drinking.

By the way, I wasn't successful either.

GiveLove

I think they need to develop a six-month antibuse injection, like the birth control hormone depo-provera.

Not that that would solve the problem, but it might help a little. They will all find a way to drink, sure....but their bodies might learn the lesson if they have to puke their guts out every time they do. Ah...I guess they might choose another drug then....no easy answers.

redbear

yah, well we can wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which one gets filled first, lol. and I have to agree with former doormat, no matter what you do, they will drink. My husband had to take an alcohol abuse course before he could get his licence back, he and i'm pretty sure most of the other drank throughout the course and he was supose to substain from alcohol.

hope2bhappy

My opinion - this is not his bottom. Take care of you.

Omega Man

We had a guest speaker at my AA meeting tonight, a former NHL player. He had it all and threw it all away with a serious alcohol and drug problem.
He talked at lenght about hitting your bottom, he hit his and just kept going.

He said it took some big wake up calls (many) before he had that moment of clarity where he just gave up and walked into his 1st AA meeting crying and asking for help.

Not trying to sadden you with this, just provide some insight into the mind of us alcoholics who aren't thinking straight until we get that clarity.

Stick to your guns and draw your lines in the sand.

redbear

What will clarity look like to me, a little extra jump in his step, more easy going?

tomuch2handle

Redbear,
I'm new here and I feel like I'm in your boat as well. My husband is an alcoholic. If there is on thing I took from the "sticky" post is to not say empty threats. If you say you are going to call the police, call the police. If he tries to say you are his wife and should be on his side, say "I am. I'm saving your life and keeping you from killing someone else". After catching my husband in a lie this past week and after he basically said to me he would do whatever he wants to, I told him if I can't trust him, he can't sleep in our marital bed. I almost broke down last night because i (a) felt so bad for him sleeping on the couch; (b) was very lonely and wanted the fighting to stop. I stuck to my guns and left him on the couch. He approched me this morning to talk things out.

Stay Strong; Stay Calm; Stay Assertive!!

steve11694

I know I may have said this before, but that "moment of clarity" really means that moment of too many negative consequences, too much pain, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When all else fails, including drinking/drugging more, denial, rationalization, lies, the perconal perception of no other way to ease the pain.

Addicts interviewed say "not seeing the light" but "feeling the heat"

DII

Clarity is when the A finally looks into the abyss! It can be quite terrifying but necessary! Sometimes as they closer the disease get's worse because it it painful and shamefull to look at. So what do A's do when they feel pain and shame....the drink MORE. When drinking gets so bad that it's worse than looking into the abyss.....that's clarity! My AW has seen it, stopped drinking, gone back to drinking a few times. Now I think she's AVOIDING the abyss. Working hard not to drink and pretending the abyss is not there.