Where do I go from here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Where do I go from here?
I have not been posting much this week but a lot has happened. Last friday evening my AH had a major meltdown, he tried to pick a fight with me and when I refused to argue with him he started in on our son who left the room saying he was going to his bedroom for peace and quiet. The AH then started ranting and raving about how I am turning his son against him and that he was leaving. I told him to do whatever he felt was best. He proceeded to go into our son's bedroom and tell him that he was leaving an that he may never see him again, then he asked him if he wanted to leave with him (I did not hear most of this as the door was closed)! My son was soon hysterical and crying and I went in and made AH leave the room. I stayed in our son's room at his request which did not sit well with the A but eventually he went to the kitchen. He kept taking his coat on and off and eventually he left. An hour later his BIL called to tell me that AH was at a hotel and was acting suicidal. I gave my opinion that AH was probably drinking and looking for attention. I told the BIL to call AH and tell him not to come home tonight. AH came home at 5:30 am trying to act like nothing happened.
My son and I stayed out shopping most of sat and neither of us would speak to AH and ignored him, the next day I told AH that I was filing for divorce and not only will he be leaving he is lucky that he is not in jail for DUI (if I had known where he was headed I would have called the police).
He has not had a single drink since last friday (he has drank every day for over 13 years) and is crying and begging for mercy, I have told him twice that I do not have any trust in him at all and that even IF he can stay sober I will probably divorce him anyway I am still VERY angry at what he has done to us and that he would NOT like the terms I would hand him for staying together (AA, counseling AND financial restitution). He worked midnights all week so I had the bed all to myself and he was gone, it was so nice.
I do really hope that he does stay sober for our son's sake, he has been so happy to spend more time with his dad. I have decided to wait until after the holidays to revisit filing (the paperwork is pretty much ready to go).
Why do they do this? Just when I had everything ready he is trying to suck me back in, I hate this. Now if I divorce him our son will think I am the "bad guy". It's terrible but I keep thinking "please, if he is going to drink again I hope he does it soon before we are hurt anymore". I guess all I can do it pray for my HP to take care of it.
I welcome any sharing on how to deal with this mess I am in.
My son and I stayed out shopping most of sat and neither of us would speak to AH and ignored him, the next day I told AH that I was filing for divorce and not only will he be leaving he is lucky that he is not in jail for DUI (if I had known where he was headed I would have called the police).
He has not had a single drink since last friday (he has drank every day for over 13 years) and is crying and begging for mercy, I have told him twice that I do not have any trust in him at all and that even IF he can stay sober I will probably divorce him anyway I am still VERY angry at what he has done to us and that he would NOT like the terms I would hand him for staying together (AA, counseling AND financial restitution). He worked midnights all week so I had the bed all to myself and he was gone, it was so nice.
I do really hope that he does stay sober for our son's sake, he has been so happy to spend more time with his dad. I have decided to wait until after the holidays to revisit filing (the paperwork is pretty much ready to go).
Why do they do this? Just when I had everything ready he is trying to suck me back in, I hate this. Now if I divorce him our son will think I am the "bad guy". It's terrible but I keep thinking "please, if he is going to drink again I hope he does it soon before we are hurt anymore". I guess all I can do it pray for my HP to take care of it.
I welcome any sharing on how to deal with this mess I am in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It sounds like you have a good plan, hadenough. You have your paperwork in order, you have set some boundaries (have you?) and you know what you're going to do if they aren't respected. Will he go to AA, counseling, and etc.? If you choose to stay, I'd strongly advise making that your limit. You've been through enough, heaven knows.
I am sorry you're going through this. As for you being the "bad guy" -- your son will some day realize why you had to divorce your dad (if indeed you choose that). YOU are the adult and the only one who can get you away from the pain. You can't get down on your son's level and keep him in a sick, abusive situation just because you fear his feelings now. He's a smart kid, but he's still a kid.
Spend any time with an ACoA like me, and you will realize that sometimes, "staying together for the sake of the kids" turns out to be a horrible nightmare for the kids themselves....it took me decades to feel human again. I had episodes like the one you describe -- parents bursting into my room to slobber and cry on my shoulder -- and I still wake up with nightmares from them. Please don't let him put your kid through that again.
Hugs to you,
GL
I am sorry you're going through this. As for you being the "bad guy" -- your son will some day realize why you had to divorce your dad (if indeed you choose that). YOU are the adult and the only one who can get you away from the pain. You can't get down on your son's level and keep him in a sick, abusive situation just because you fear his feelings now. He's a smart kid, but he's still a kid.
Spend any time with an ACoA like me, and you will realize that sometimes, "staying together for the sake of the kids" turns out to be a horrible nightmare for the kids themselves....it took me decades to feel human again. I had episodes like the one you describe -- parents bursting into my room to slobber and cry on my shoulder -- and I still wake up with nightmares from them. Please don't let him put your kid through that again.
Hugs to you,
GL
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
My AH all last week was saying HE was divorcing me, all weekend he screamed, yelled, cried that my court thing was "making him lose his job", and I do mean all weekend, he's moving out, went looking for apartments, etc., then by Monday wanted everything to work out and didn't want a divorce. Had me to the point where I did finally break down and cry (couldnt' take it anymore). Then he calls me "crazy" and am I "going thru the changes". Hasn't drank all week, and was nice (not that that does much good), wanted to work on us and our marriage (yeah, right), court gets adjourned today cause judge calls in sick, weekend from hell soon to be. It's the dance they do, they don't know what they want, and most of the time, their brains are still so saturated w/alcohol they just want to create chaos. You did great, hang tough and be strong. It will all work out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
This is my situation in a nutshell. After so many attempts to smooth things over to get us to stay, my children and I have found an apartment and we are moving Jan 2. I allowed him to sweet talk me into believing he will change. I can tell you it took me a very long time to make this decision and I did not make it until I WAS READY.It always amazes me how they say we turned the children against them. Kids are not stupid,they see the crazy behaviors and witness all the broken promises. My feelings for him are gone. Even if he was to get sober I will never love him the way a wife is supposed to love her husband. The hurt is to great, I do wish him well, I hope one day he can find peace be it is too late. His health issues are extreme so I have accepted he may die. I am a mix of emotions happy sad everything you have felt too. They tell you what you want to hear to get their way, he may stop drinking but until his behaviors and thinking change he will more than likely return to alcohol. I hung in there more years than I care to admit,It never got better, only worse. Peace to you..............
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think the answers are all in front of you, you just keep putting it off. This time it’s the holidays next it will be something else.
I say this because of once being there.
If not for you what about your son’s sanity? Divorce and splitting up is not the end of the world nor is it killing someone off. If he is true in his quest to stop throwing booze down his throat he will do it.
A year of being sober is a great way of showing not only how much he cares for his family, but cares for himself.
I say this because of once being there.
If not for you what about your son’s sanity? Divorce and splitting up is not the end of the world nor is it killing someone off. If he is true in his quest to stop throwing booze down his throat he will do it.
A year of being sober is a great way of showing not only how much he cares for his family, but cares for himself.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Ah, this reminds me of the bad old days ... for the millionth time he said he was going to quit. Next day he's openly drinking beer in the living room. I start giving him hell and he makes a 'run along now' gesture and dismisses me. I tell him I've had enough and want a divorce. He had the nerve to be shocked. He quit drinking for almost two weeks but when he realized I still wanted him out, he went on a three day binge like I'd never seen him do before. It was disgusting.
Finally I got him out. I told him if he quit we could try to reconcile. He stayed at my house for a few days to babysit the dog while I was on vacation. I came back and there was a beer in the back of the fridge, if you can believe it. This is from a man who is literally crying to come home and running the most painful guilt trips I've ever endured. He swears again he's going to quit. Then we go out on a date and there is a beer between the passenger door and seat. I was dumbfounded.
It was just a few weeks later that he was arrested for DWI #3. And you know what? The MFer finally quit drinking - to save himself from jail. By then so much damage had been done - it was over.
In a nutshell - the spirit was willing but the flesh kept getting drunk, until he was truly motivated by the department of probation.
PS - the thing where he harasses your son is totally unacceptable. In my opinion he would be much better off with no father in the house at all than with a man who reduces him to tears and tries to emotionally destroy his mother on a near daily basis. Do the kid a favor and get that drunk out of there already.
One more thing - Brava on not taking the hotel bait. You were right on the money that he was fishing for pity and a way to stay at home and keep drinking and hurting you and your son. You are learning their tricks. Brava again!
Finally I got him out. I told him if he quit we could try to reconcile. He stayed at my house for a few days to babysit the dog while I was on vacation. I came back and there was a beer in the back of the fridge, if you can believe it. This is from a man who is literally crying to come home and running the most painful guilt trips I've ever endured. He swears again he's going to quit. Then we go out on a date and there is a beer between the passenger door and seat. I was dumbfounded.
It was just a few weeks later that he was arrested for DWI #3. And you know what? The MFer finally quit drinking - to save himself from jail. By then so much damage had been done - it was over.
In a nutshell - the spirit was willing but the flesh kept getting drunk, until he was truly motivated by the department of probation.
PS - the thing where he harasses your son is totally unacceptable. In my opinion he would be much better off with no father in the house at all than with a man who reduces him to tears and tries to emotionally destroy his mother on a near daily basis. Do the kid a favor and get that drunk out of there already.
One more thing - Brava on not taking the hotel bait. You were right on the money that he was fishing for pity and a way to stay at home and keep drinking and hurting you and your son. You are learning their tricks. Brava again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Thanks to everyone, he is still sober (at least that's what the bank account and my instincts tell me). He is in the "honeymoon" period of sobriety now (it has been many years since he went a whole week without drinking so he is on top of the world and very pleased with himself). My plans remain the same and I have told him that, he is frustrated because he is "never going to drink again, ever" (oh boy, I smell trouble here). I am skeptical to say the least but am enjoying the peace and quiet for now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
A person in active addiction seems to know when we're reaching the end of our rope. They pull out their ace (by saying what we so desperately want to hear). They suck us back in.
What I found with my AXH is that my rope just kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter until there just wasn't any rope left. Only you know when (or IF) that time happens.
Gentle hugs
What I found with my AXH is that my rope just kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter until there just wasn't any rope left. Only you know when (or IF) that time happens.
Gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
We are teaching our kids what it is acceptable to put up with.
It is not okay with me that a man would put my daughter through the craziness that is alcoholism. By staying with him, that is what I would be teaching her. On some days, this thought is the only thing that keeps me on the path to divorce.
It is not okay with me that a man would put my daughter through the craziness that is alcoholism. By staying with him, that is what I would be teaching her. On some days, this thought is the only thing that keeps me on the path to divorce.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Actions need to match our words.
Otherwise, its just BS...and people...ALL people, believe what we DO, not what we SAY.
What Im saying is.....you got him where you want him now cus he's scared, but if you dont follow thru, chances are he will see you back down, and he will not be so scared.
No fear = no more Mr. Sober guy.
This, of course, is just based on my personal experience.
Otherwise, its just BS...and people...ALL people, believe what we DO, not what we SAY.
What Im saying is.....you got him where you want him now cus he's scared, but if you dont follow thru, chances are he will see you back down, and he will not be so scared.
No fear = no more Mr. Sober guy.
This, of course, is just based on my personal experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Originally Posted by Miss Pink 
Actions need to match our words.
Otherwise, its just BS...and people...ALL people, believe what we DO, not what we SAY.
What Im saying is.....you got him where you want him now cus he's scared, but if you dont follow thru, chances are he will see you back down, and he will not be so scared.
No fear = no more Mr. Sober guy.
This, of course, is just based on my personal experience.
Otherwise, its just BS...and people...ALL people, believe what we DO, not what we SAY.
What Im saying is.....you got him where you want him now cus he's scared, but if you dont follow thru, chances are he will see you back down, and he will not be so scared.
No fear = no more Mr. Sober guy.
This, of course, is just based on my personal experience.
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