newworld

I just found out this morning at 5am that my boyfriend and father of my child is addicted to crack. I am still in shock and know very little about this drug. He had addmitted to me this problem that has been going on for 2 years explaning the frequent withdraws from atms, not coming home, using every bit of cash he can get his hands on to buy more crack. He thinks that he is strong enough to say "thats it" but I don't believe him. Yesterday (our first day) we car pooled because he has lost his car. He never showed to pick me up-resulting in my kids being left at daycare past hours and me without my car. I don't know how to help him. I'm searching online for answers, information but the more I read the more depressed I become. I can't sit back and wait till he decides the habit is over. I think he would benefit from out patient therapy because he does hold a job and is clear headed most of the time. He is on crack about 2-3 week. From what I have read most outpatient centers require 3 hours twice a week and on weekends. Anyone with advice please I'm listening! New to all of this.

familymember

I am so sorry you are going through this, I am so sorry that any of us are going through this. My brother is a cocaine/crack addict, who kept his cocaine addiction hidden for years. I always knew something was going on b/c he was constantly sniffing and I knew he had a history of drug use. Anyway, he was also very succesful and working in NYC making great money... until recently. He was in and out of several rehabs and now he is missing. I am not writing this to scare you, only to encourage you to get support and address some of your own denial (which is understandable being that you just found out). The first thing would be for you to get support from people around you (support groups, individual therapy, friends/family members) and to learn as much as you can about addictions and the people who love addicts. We need just as much help. Sometimes I think I need more help than my brother b/c he gets high and escapes the pain, I am always left with it.
I am new to this forum (I just joined a few days ago) and am learning that I need to enter into my own recovery. Please be kind to yourself and listen to others on the board with more experience. I just want you to know that neither of you are alone.

caileesnana

Welcome to SR. You can't help him! Read the sticky's at the top. Lot's more will be along w/ words of wisdom

susan

What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________

GiveLove

Hi newworld,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this new world...the good news is that there is a lot of good experience and help out here.

The world of crack abuse isn't pretty. Before you think about how to help your boyfriend, I'd advise you to take a good look at your life and make sure that you and your child are taken care of. Stealing your car and leaving you both high and dry is not something you should tolerate. Protect your own money and start an emergency fund that he CANNOT get to for yourself and your child. Addiction is a monster; protect yourself from it first. It's like putting your own oxygen mask on before anyone else's.

Your boyfriend, unfortunately, will not benefit from rehab until he is ready to do so. Addicts have to reach rock bottom and have to WANT to get better. Does he truly? Is he willing to do what it takes? Perhaps others who have been through outpatient rehab will chime in. My personal sense of it, in your case, is that your boyfriend is too far gone for this. He is going down fast and needs heavy-duty help, not a bandaid. Others with more experience will be here shortly and I urge you to listen to them and not me

Hugs to you, in this tough time. Protect yourself from addiction...it has no conscience whatsoever and as you've seen, it will hurt you without a second thought.

kj0975

I am sorry that you have to be here and I am sorry for what your going through. I know your pain. My ex was a crack addict and I didnt know it when we started dating. It eventually came out and he said he was clean and "recovered" the sad part is that he could go for months without using then when the urge hit he was off and running. He held a job he kept his car and seemed almost together.

He would relapse and feel remorseful and be sorry and it wouldnt happen again. If I had a dollar for everytime I feel for this I would be rich. The drug came before me, his job, his daughter. It consumed him. He would get an adrenaline rush thinking about it. His mouth would water it was an urge that would comsume him until he got his high. No matter how much he didnt want to do it he did it.

You can recover from crack this board is full of people who have its just you have to start to hate the drug more than you like the high to really begin to recover. You cant trust an addict. Actions speak louder than words and right now his actions arent saying that he is ready for recovery. You cant help him you can only help yourself and your child.

holdingouthope

newworld - My husband is addicted to cocaine. For a long time (years) he too said that he was strong enough to stop whenever he wanted to. This did not happen. My husband was also able to hold a great job despite doing $4-6k of cocaine a month. The good news for today is that my husband is in an inpatient rehab center. I am thankful for that.

Addiction is a progressive disease and unfortunately that means that it will only get worse and worse if left untreated. Your husband is the only one who can make the decision to seek help. What you can do is protect yourself and your daughter. I agree with GL, and I think she's the one who told me to do it when I was first here...get your own bank account. Even $20 a month starts to add up over time.

It is hard feeling helpless and out of control when all we want to do is love and care for those we hold nearest and dearest. I am new to this myself and am here to tell you that you are not alone. There are so many wise people here who share the common experience of loving an addicted individual.

Abundance

oh wow... that is how my abf would be just talking out loud about it... I think what hurt the most, is that I couldn't bring that same look and feeling out in him. It was the pills.. he looked at it like a ritual... the dance of it all. His face would light up and his whole energy , demeanor ... it would become so happy! YES.. just talking about it. That would just kill me inside. I didn't see him snort it except a few times.. but him thinking about it was like seeing him talk and react about another woman lover. I would just look at him and think... I'll never make you THIS happy.

kj0975

That is his first love. I couldnt compete with that nor did I want to. When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving you will do what u have to do.

Abundance

I think that goes for addicts too.

The addicts in our life are "our" addiction.

splendra

What I will say about rehab is that if you are the one making most of the plans unless he is very young and you are his mama; it probably won't work.

I think often us codies want to do the work for them.

Also I want to say something about ultimatums: if you give him one you better by God stick with it cause if you don't he will take you and your child for one hell of a ride.

Be gentle with yourself and him and, may all of the words you eat be sweet ones.

Jewelz

(((Newworld)))

I am so sorry you found yourself in this situation... more than I could ever say. Everyone above me gave you good solid advice please listen with open ears. My sons father is a crack addict as well, we have been together for four years. I didnt know when we first got toegther that he had a problem with crack. I found out when I was so wrapped in him. I felt like my world crashed. He went to a program and he was doing so well I thought he was recovered. Four years later I have seen him in and out of jail, probably about four different program which in each one he did magnificent in them. It was when he left that he would crash. My sons father is not a bad person... hasnt done the typical things that you hear crack addict do but his sole purpose right now is to get high.

Your going to go through many different changes if you stay with him. I got to the point where I didnt even want to live anymore.. and that was recently. I believe the people on this site is what saved me. Keep coming here, keep reading, be open to what you read... everyone here talked from expereince. We know excatly what you are feeling at this moment. It's hard honey and if you choose to stay with him it will get harder I'm sorry that is one promise I could give you. There isn't a thing you could do to make him not use. He needs to do it and only he can do it. What you can do is educate yourself... learn as much as you can and then decide what you could live with.

I am praying for you, your kids, and your boyfriend. Stick around, keep reading and most of all keep posting. You found a special place here at SR.

hugs,
Jewelz

kj21

this is a very powerful post for me to read. My a gets that same look of happy in his eyes, mouth watering, hyperness when he would decide to go out and use. He would talk a mile a minute, be so nice and friendly to everyone. I just knew when he walked out the door he would not be home for hours! It comes before everything else. Me, my kids, his job, his pride, his friends. Then the next day he would swear he would never do it agian. He was done with that!! for sure!! Yep, It is so sad!

Impurrfect

(((Newworld))))

Great advice above. I, too, am a recovering crack addict and can personally vouch for what anvilhead said!

The only reason I gave up crack is because the consequences got pretty bad and my family let me fall on my face - for that I will always be grateful. I was offered rehab, but it wouldn't have worked because I wasn't ready.

The best thing you can do is take care of your child. Get money into an account he has no access to. Crack is a rapidly progressive addiction. I never resorted to stealing, but I know I would have if I had continued. I left my ex-boyfriend behind because he is still using.

There is nothing you can do to make him get help. He may tell you he will, but as said above, you must go by his actions. I told my family I would quit a zillion times - I actually meant it at that moment, but it never lasted. 9 months ago, after I relapsed, I never said anything about quitting - I SHOWED my family.

An addict is never "cured". We CAN recover - we just have to want it more than we want to get high. That's something only he can do for himself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy