Letting go of resentment
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Letting go of resentment
I've been resenting my step-son for not responding when I asked for help.
Now I see that I was expecting something not congruent with how he has always been. He has never been available. I choose to drop the resentment.
What was I thinking to even ask him? In the future I will rely on those that are reliable.
Abraham Lincoln observed that most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook to be.
This implies that the choice is simple and that we can just decide to be a happy person.
I choose to be happy. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am learning to express my feelings, affections, friendship and passion to people around me. They will most likely reciprocate. I will try not to keep pent up resentments, but nstead find ways of expressing them in a way that will not cause more hurt to anyone.
"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Now I see that I was expecting something not congruent with how he has always been. He has never been available. I choose to drop the resentment.
What was I thinking to even ask him? In the future I will rely on those that are reliable.
Abraham Lincoln observed that most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook to be.
This implies that the choice is simple and that we can just decide to be a happy person.
I choose to be happy. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am learning to express my feelings, affections, friendship and passion to people around me. They will most likely reciprocate. I will try not to keep pent up resentments, but nstead find ways of expressing them in a way that will not cause more hurt to anyone.
"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Well said... I tend to do a lot of things that people or my family disagree with but in order for me to be happy, it's what I need to do. It's pretty simple if you make it simple.
Life gets complicated when we let it be complicated, which is also very easy to do.
lol
Life gets complicated when we let it be complicated, which is also very easy to do.
lol
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 6/1
A long-time member says, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.” I take this statement to suggest that when I have a resentment I can look to my expectations for a probable source.
Here’s an example: I have a brother who is less attentive to being prompt than I am. When I make a plan with him that involves meeting at a certain time, I am co-operating in establishing conditions that encourage me to nurse a resentment. On the other hand, when I make a plan with my brother that is based on no expectation of promptness, I feel no resentment.
Today’s Reminder
I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
“I have accepted myself and I’m beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments.”
Living with Sobriety
A long-time member says, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.” I take this statement to suggest that when I have a resentment I can look to my expectations for a probable source.
Here’s an example: I have a brother who is less attentive to being prompt than I am. When I make a plan with him that involves meeting at a certain time, I am co-operating in establishing conditions that encourage me to nurse a resentment. On the other hand, when I make a plan with my brother that is based on no expectation of promptness, I feel no resentment.
Today’s Reminder
I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
“I have accepted myself and I’m beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments.”
Living with Sobriety
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
this is a hard one for me. Mostly because I don't always see my resentment. sometimes I find I am down and moody, sad and tired, and I am not sure why I don't feel good mentally. and negative thoughts of others behaviors slowly begin to take a front stage in my head. Then I realize what I am doing and how its affecting my life. buts its usually not before its done its damage. I am trying to recognize it sooner.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Our topic at tonight's meeting was relationships and one of the readings dealt with making needs known. The part that really made an impression on me tonight was accepting that even if the need is clearly communicated, sometimes the person is unable to fulfill the need. It got me thinking about the importance of not having an expectation that the expression of a need means it will be fulfilled. Perhaps that is why sometimes I do not make a need known...because I fear that result...almost like a rejection. It definitely has given me something to ponder further. And just as is the norm with recovery, I come home and here is this post...a bit of re-enforcement of the recovery lesson tonight. Thanks SS! Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
I've struggled with this regarding XAH for a long time. I lived with the ridiculous idea that I asked very little of my XAH, and that he did so little compared to other husbands, that every time he "let me down" it was a deliberate act.
It's taken me a while to realize that his level of capability and my expectations weren't even in the same time zone. I'm amazed at how much of him I "made up". My expectations set up a fall every time.
Little by little I'm seeing that I projected my own standards onto him. Of course he fell short ... how could he (or anyone else) not?
It's still work, but I'm getting there. I'm still having a lot of expectations, but only for myself.
It's taken me a while to realize that his level of capability and my expectations weren't even in the same time zone. I'm amazed at how much of him I "made up". My expectations set up a fall every time.
Little by little I'm seeing that I projected my own standards onto him. Of course he fell short ... how could he (or anyone else) not?
It's still work, but I'm getting there. I'm still having a lot of expectations, but only for myself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 6/26
Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.
In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don’t deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.
Today’s Reminder
I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.”
Mary McLeod Bethune
Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.
In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don’t deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.
Today’s Reminder
I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.”
Mary McLeod Bethune
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
