Orangeblossom

I haven't posted here much. For the record, I'm married to an addict. It's been up and down the entire time we've been married, but for the last few months, for the first time in a long time, things have been going well. He's been going to NA, he has a sponsor. He was asking for help, and we were getting along. Then today. He was like a walking powder keg all day, blowing up at any and everything. I had to beg him to go to work this morning, and then when he got home, he just kept trying to pick fights. Finally, around eight, he stormed out to get cigarettes. And never came back. Even though I worked a double over night shift yesterday/this morning, and have been awake since 1pm Sunday afternoon, I've been sitting here waiting up, because I was worried. But I figured he couldn't do too much damage with only $10 in his wallet. Guess I was wrong.

It's 11:30. His mom just called me. He was over there, hung out till she went to bed. But she came back down to find that he had taken her ATM card. She called... he withdrew $120. She called screaming at me, telling me that he left a few minutes ago and should be home shortly, and that he'd better call her. I thought I had issues with denial! Does she really think he's coming home any time soon when he has $120 in his pocket? Yeah right. I should have told her to just call the cops on him. I just didn't because I know he'll show up eventually, and I need the car to take my son to school in the AM... if the cops get him, they'll impound it, I'm sure. Damn... I really thought this was going to get better, who knows why.

CatsPajamas

Orange,

It sounds like you have a lot of stressful things going on. Hopefully you can take care of yourself and get some sleep.... your A will do whatever he does, whether or not you're awake.

Take extra good care of you,and your son too.

Hugs
Cats

Orangeblossom

My MIL keeps calling... it's crazy. She has no clue. I don't know why. He's stolen from her so often and she's caught him in so many lies, you would think she'd have to know that he's not innocent. She's in a dream world. Not that I'm any better, of course... I know what's up, and I'm still here. What does that make me?

Lovestoomuch

This is just my opinion of course, but maybe his mother needs it laid out to her what the REAL problem is. Then she can deal with it in a way she feels fit.

You need to take some of that nervous energy and start focusing on yourself and what you need to do. With the lack of sleep you're getting you're not going to be good to your son or anyone else.

Cats is right. Regardless of what you do or how much you worry, your husband is going to do exactly what he wants.

You need to take care of you and if your husband winds up in jail........well, maybe that would be a good thing. At least you'd know he was safe, with a roof over his head and food in his belly. If they impound the car, you can get that back. Keep focus on what you can do and not what you have no control over and that would be him. All said with love.

Orangeblossom

I hate this. I don't know if I'm capable of sharing space with him, and NOT sitting up all night worrying about him when something like this happens. I should probably leave. This is no good for me, or my son (or my daughter, for that matter, but she's too little to have to worry about missing school or anything.) And what's sad is, I'm upset right now because I'm tired, and I can't sleep, because I'm worried about my son's school and whatever else I have to deal with tomorrow, and because the phone keeps ringing, and the woman on the other end is someone that I wouldn't speak to, given the option. About him, I almost don't care. I don't know why I feel that way... it's not like he's been doing this every night lately or anything. (When he was out every night I cared... I was clinging like velcro then.) Now, when all has been good for awhile, I suddenly don't care what happens to him... I just don't want to spend another night like this. Thursday is payday... how hard would it be to pack up and get on a bus?

Lovestoomuch

It sounds as if you're starting to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know sweetie. I've been where you're at 2 years ago.

BigSis

Hi OrangeBlossom... welcome. So sorry you are dealing with this, and sorry that you are somehow in the middle between mom and son.

Perhaps next time she calls, you can tell her that you don't relay messages, but will tell him she called... then hang up. And continue that practice until she stops screaming at you. As a mom myself, I can tell you that might take more than three or four .... uh THOUSAND .... times. (grin)

Also, if you have caller id - be sure to use it. Once you hang up - turn on the machine and don't listen to the messages.

Part of her denial is a belief that everyone is involved in this rescuing of her son. It is hard not to be part of that... In Alanon, they tell me to "Detach with love".... aw, heck - I could not detach with anything less than a screaming coma when I first started - but it was a beginning.

Perhaps YOU can practice detaching by trying out some skills on the mom in law? Practice talking calmly, stating your desire/purpose/intent.... and hanging up. Then practice not taking further calls for the day (or week, if necessary), and let the machine get them. Then REALLY practice by not allowing yourself to listen to the message after the machine takes the call!

She might get a clue from you... how you act and react to the addiction. She may not admit it - heck, "perfectionism" and "control" are we Alanons key survival skills! But she may pick up a few tips and tricks herself.

And if you can find some face to face meetings - I urge you to go to those as well.


(((big hugs)))

Orangeblossom

You know, I have no problem, normally, ignoring her calls or letting the machine pick up. That's what I do under normal circumstances anyway. I myself do not do any drugs, and whatever she may think, I am not the cause of what he does to her. But these are not exactly normal circumstances. We lost our apartment a few months ago, and are staying in a motel while we... well, mostly I... save up the money for a new place. The phone has no caller ID, voicemail, or machine, and if I unplug it, or don't pick up, it rings in the office, and the managers come bang on my door. Which is even more likely to wake my kids up than a ringing phone. So I don't really have a choice. I tell her every time, "he's not home. When he shows up, I will tell him you want him to call. If he refuses, I will call back, long enough to tell you he's all right. And that's it." And I hang up. And then she calls back.

Maybe our current situation is why I feel so indifferent towards him. I feel like it's his fault we're in here with our kids. I work full time... why can't he? I guess I should just be glad he didn't take my money, except for that $10, anyway. But also, the more she calls, the more hopeless I feel about him. Even if I walk out, or whatever, totally stop enabling him, she never will. And he'll never leave the area, because he knows that. Nothing that I do or don't do for him really matters, because he'll always have Mom. So, I can't fix him, I can't even let him hit bottom, or whatever the saying is, to where he wants to get better himself, because even when I try to let him, she won't. What good am I doing? I'm not doing him any good. I'm not doing me any good. And none of this is doing my kids any good. They deserve better. I'm watching them sleep right now, and I hate that they're here, in this crappy place. I hate that when he comes home, it will be impossible to have any kind of discussion -- or argument -- without waking them up. Like they need to hear any of this. I have some friends who are about an hour or so away that I know would let us stay with them, and it would get my kids out of this crappy motel, out of this crappy town... I make decent money doing what I do, and I can work anywhere. I should never have let it get this far. I'm tired... I don't have the energy to keep going on like this. I'm leaving, payday.

Lord, I hope I still feel the same way in the morning.

nytepassion

I am sorry that you are going through this ... I know it sucks big time... I can read your pain and hurt ... Please try to get some sleep for your children's sake ... Ask his mother the next time she calls to please not call again until the morning ... because you have sleeping children and need rest yourself ... Let her know that once he is at home safe and sound with YOUR car ... you will get in touch with her and suggest she calls the police and files charges against him for stealing money from her, but as for right now you need to get some sleep .... her calling repeatedly or you staying up worrying isn't going to change anything tonight ... These problems will still be there in the morning (does the phone have a on/off switch?) ... He is an addict and he is doing what addicts do ... clearly it is what it is... Taking care of yourself and your children is what matters... he is a grown man and can take care of himself. You don't need this kind of pressure and problems when you are clearly over working yourself trying to dig you guys out of a hole. I say if he can't be a team player kick his arse to the curb ... Give those friends of yours a call ... load up all of your belongings and your children, go create the kind of life you want for you and for them ... Leave the problem behind (let his mommy deal with him).

****{Hugs}}}}
You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers
Passion

BigSis

We are ready when we are ready... and not one minute before.

Don't beat yourself up... we all go through the process of Awareness...Acceptance and Action.

It works the same for the addicts - but they seem ALWAYS to be on a schedule far slower than any of us expects.

I can tell you this - I did not know the night before I kicked out either one of my too-young, far-too-immature addicted kids that I had reached "my limit".... but after I did, I realize that I don't think I could have done it any sooner than I did. I wasn't ready until I was ready.

The same with my daughter finally getting clean. The night before her last meth run - I was as depressed and sad and miserable and in pain as a mom can get. I had no idea it was her last run. I had no idea that her sobriety was right around the corner.

We can't know anything in advance.

That is important for me to remember. I really don't have a crystal ball, so I need to stay out of deciding what the future will bring. It will bring whatever it does, and I will face it ... then.



I hope your night is peaceful. I hope you can sleep. I pray you don't have to confront him if/when he returns. And I think that plan up there looks like a good one.


Sending prayers.... (((hugs)))

Orangeblossom

Thanks. It helps, knowing that there are people out there who have been through it. I'm just feeling my way... I don't really know what I'm doing. I read all the literature and followed all the links, and somehow, it just didn't prepare me for reality. I can't even believe this is me, sitting here in this place, letting my kids be in such a situation... what was all that hard work I did to get trained and get on my feet a few years ago for? It was supposed to be so I could support myself and my kids, but most of it's gone to supporting him. That was a bad choice. I screwed up. And I think I'm out of time. I can't afford to wait around anymore. My son was just deemed eligible for the "gifted" program. My daughter is starting to walk. They need better than this, NOW.

I know I need to sleep. I'm going to try now. I'm not feeling too hopeful about that either.

caileesnana

Sorry for your pain, take care of you and those kiddos!
susan

GiveLove

Orangeblossom,

I hope you were able to get a little sleep. Lack of rest robs you of that resiliency we human beings have that allows us to get through really rough spots. You might want to pop over to the drug store and get a bottle of melatonin - that natural sleep aid (not a chemical, not addictive). It works for me whenever I'm at my wit's end and really just need a couple of hours sleep in order to think straight.

Do you have any family you can go to? Are there any local women's shelters & groups who you can sit and talk with about options for yourself, housing, etc.? It sounds as though you could use a fresh start at this point....if & when you're ready. You're working yourself half to death and all of your efforts to make a good life for you and for your kids is going into the vacuum of his addiction.

Congratulations, by the way, on your son. My addict parents were approached about moving me into gifted when I was little (back when I was smart ) They couldn't be bothered to follow through on it. Bless you for doing so...bless you for putting your foot down on behalf of your children, something my parents never would.

I can totally understand your frustration. And I can understand how you would wish your MIL would just get a clue. Why is her ATM card your problem? Has she called to cancel it yet?

There's a life out here beyond all of that. Keep posting and letting us know how you are. Maybe we can help.