good_luck

The dust has settled, and I am in a safe place. And now I am angry about everything I went through -- I am finally seeing the impact that it really had on me.

Is that weird? It's been, like, two months since he was violent towards me. I just got outraged about it now. Has anyone else had this experience?

I was thinking that it was more of my denial falling away. My greatest fear is that I am just continuing the drama, alone, by getting upset about this now.

HolyQow

I think anger is a natural step....but doesn't always come in the order that you think it will. The same is true when someone close to you dies. I would be more worried if the anger didn't show up.

denny57

I agree. I also think I did turn some things into drama at the beginning because it was what I was used to. That faded.

Good luck in your new, safe place!

CBrown

This says it all. From essortment.com

"There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

I hope this helps!

hbb

Hi Good,

I just recently hit anger myself. Me and exabf broke up in July and now i'm fuming, which is fine with me. My therapist said it was a stage as long as we don't stay there too long. In my opinion, it's much better than the daily, minute by minute crying i was doing. I think like the others say, it's part of the process of grieving.

SaTiT

Yes...i read somewhere, it's my emotions just catching up.
Yeap..you pretty much nail it.

Yes, true that I'm having face myself as in I'm not walking on eggshells
anymore. So i'm letting guards down becuase the dust had settle.
but all of that anger was inside of me. it was truely how i felt about
what had happened and wasn't allow to release it or express it while
living in the chaso..too bussy keeping it together or picking up the mess
or combinations veriouse wreackage.

bascailly the same behavior pattern i can trace back to my childhood
i wasn't allow to express my emotions..if i felt hurt..i shouldn't cry.
if i feel happy..i shouldn't jump for joy..becuase i might be hyper.

Behave, behave, behave...wheater if i was happy, or sad or angery..
it wasn't right to do any of those things....you know what I'm saying ??

So why not. i'm in a safe environment. I'm reparenting myself
through different eyes. Through the eyes of a loving, understanding
adult. As i allow my duaghter to whine or express thier feelings for
whatever they are feeling.

I notice one of my duaghters going through a depression when
she started attending school..becuase she's a bit hyper and a
happy go luckie child..I'm not sure what the school or her teachers
was saying to her and i sure as hell wasn't going to pump my child
with medications at that young of an age..just becuase a teacher
says she's acting out or can't sit still and ADD was the word if the day.
I removed her from that school. She attened another schools after
we moved. that can help her. Her new teacher was more understand
and notice stuff like she can read at HS level in first grade.lol


My experince as a parent is vaulable...i just have apply that to myself.

Some people say...loving my inner child.

Barbara52

For me that was when I could safely feel all the emotions that I had to control while I was still in the house with my AH.

Its not weird at all.

GiveLove

Nope, happened to me too. Months later. I was actually a raging maniac, got it all out of me, got on with life. Find a good outlet! SR, a journal, a therapist, a contact sport (!!). And make sure you understand why what happened happened, so you can truthfully reassure yourself that you'll never let it happen to you again. That helped me too. Part of my anger was not really being sure if I was going to let myself get into a situation like that again....I was mad at HIM, but even more mad at ME.

This is just part of the process....don't think you're weird.

justjo

Many of us probably go through this. For me, I had to get really angry to detach! Then I was angry afterwards because I let this happen to myself! For years too.

MTBChick

I'm with what everyone else said.

uncertainty

I think that when you go through these things you are in survival mode. They do all these horrible things and then wake up the next day and act like nothing happened. It is very difficult to live with any sense of reality, you get numb. You are just thawing out now, where you are getting part of yourself back and can't understand why you did this for long. It helped me to write in a journal, when I go back and read now, i just cant believe where I have been, and I am so happy I dont have to go back there!!!!