need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2
need help
this is the first time i have posted something 6months ago i found out my husband of 15yrs was using drugs. he lied about it and later said yes once in a great while he siad he would stop. guessing from his actions he didn't stop i secreatly tested him. i know gross but do what u got to do scooped it out of the toilet. came out positive he siad i was crazy and its wrong 2months later same thing positive sent it to the lab 100% postive for coc and pot. liad again wrong wrong wrong this was 3days ago
we have 2boys teen age i left for the day didn't tell him were. he freaked out. anyway tonight he freaked out on me 3am pulled me out of bed and stated in my face yelling at me. for the first time i really thought he was going to hurt me. he didn't he pulled my hair when he pulled the blanket out of my hand but that was all. but i ans. every question he had and didn't give him a reason to. he calmed down and siad i left him write when he needed me most. i want to be there for him. i don't know if i should pack up and say forget you or help. he admited he had a drug problem and siad he wished his life was over. i got him a crisis help line number but he siad he needed to go to sleep and have a clear head before he calls so i am wide lost not knowing what todo.
we have 2boys teen age i left for the day didn't tell him were. he freaked out. anyway tonight he freaked out on me 3am pulled me out of bed and stated in my face yelling at me. for the first time i really thought he was going to hurt me. he didn't he pulled my hair when he pulled the blanket out of my hand but that was all. but i ans. every question he had and didn't give him a reason to. he calmed down and siad i left him write when he needed me most. i want to be there for him. i don't know if i should pack up and say forget you or help. he admited he had a drug problem and siad he wished his life was over. i got him a crisis help line number but he siad he needed to go to sleep and have a clear head before he calls so i am wide lost not knowing what todo.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
1ost;
Welcome to SR!
There are many people here that will share their own experience, strength and hope with you. What helped me was getting to alanon meetings, and learning to take care of myself, and to let go of that which wasn't mine. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But, you can learn to cope with it.
I wish you well and look forward to getting to know you.
Shalom!
Welcome to SR!
There are many people here that will share their own experience, strength and hope with you. What helped me was getting to alanon meetings, and learning to take care of myself, and to let go of that which wasn't mine. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But, you can learn to cope with it.
I wish you well and look forward to getting to know you.
Shalom!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome 1ost, I'm sorry you are going through this but glad you reached out and came here.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do about his addiction, only he can change that and it rarely happens until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
It's up to you to decide what is acceptable in your life and the lives of your children, and you don't have to decide today. Sometimes waiting until the time is right or until our heads clear, helps us make better choices.
I am concerned about abuse though, you don't say if he has hit you before but you thought he was going to this time. Abuse is never okay, and if that is the case then perhaps thinking this over from a safer place might be wise. Maybe check to see if there is a women's shelter near you and talk to them some time asking what help they may have available. You don't always have to go to the shelter to be able to use their resources and it might be worth the call to find out, and to know where a safe place is if you have to leave in a hurry.
Make yourself comfortable here, take a read around, and know we are happy to have you walk with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
Sadly, there is nothing you can do about his addiction, only he can change that and it rarely happens until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
It's up to you to decide what is acceptable in your life and the lives of your children, and you don't have to decide today. Sometimes waiting until the time is right or until our heads clear, helps us make better choices.
I am concerned about abuse though, you don't say if he has hit you before but you thought he was going to this time. Abuse is never okay, and if that is the case then perhaps thinking this over from a safer place might be wise. Maybe check to see if there is a women's shelter near you and talk to them some time asking what help they may have available. You don't always have to go to the shelter to be able to use their resources and it might be worth the call to find out, and to know where a safe place is if you have to leave in a hurry.
Make yourself comfortable here, take a read around, and know we are happy to have you walk with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2
thanks no he never has hit me. I do have friends but frankly they are sick of hearing about it and me not doing much about it but i know if i need a place to be they are there. its nice to do this so my friends don't get to sick of me they don't understand
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well you've found a place here where we do understand. Although my addict is my son, I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves.
Read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum, there's lots of good information there, and maybe try some meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar programs that helps us learn to take very good care of ourselves while dealing with all this. Meetings saved my life and gave me a foundation on which I could build a new and better way of living.
Others who have been in your shoes will be along to welcome you also. Addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
Read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum, there's lots of good information there, and maybe try some meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar programs that helps us learn to take very good care of ourselves while dealing with all this. Meetings saved my life and gave me a foundation on which I could build a new and better way of living.
Others who have been in your shoes will be along to welcome you also. Addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Welcome, 1ost.... I am sorry you had to endure that from your husband. I am sorry he is mkaing the choices that he has.
Here is one of the first things I heard about addiction -
3Cs:
I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction
I can't CURE addiction
That is pretty powerful. Of course, I didn't believe it applied to ME... smile. So I spent a condsiderable amount of time trying, desperately, to control and cure the addicts in my life.
Only after doing EVERYTHING I could think of... every living thing... and only after seriously contemplating, and then making a plan and picking a day to take myself off the planet... only THEN was I ready to admit I really could not CAUSE, CONTROL, or CURE addiction.
If there were some magic words that would "make your husband" see and understand - we'd post them in ten foot letters on the forum. But there are not. Each addict has his or her own path. It takes what it takes. And in my experience, it takes far, far MORE than any wife, mother, husband, father or friend could ever imagine for an addict to get clean.
Each of us have said, "Surely, this MUST be his/her bottom." Almost 100% of the time, it gets much worse than what WE consider to be the worst.
This is not because they don't love US enough or don't love themselves enough or aren't smart enough or can't see what is happening. I've never seen an earth person (normie) try as hard as an addict/alcoholic to not drink, not smoke, not use their drug of choice.
They do try -very hard. But, in part, because it DOES take losing more than they ever imagined, before they find the level of motivation required to get clean and sober... they fail.
Alanon meetings helped me understand my addicted loved ones.... and those meetings helped me understand why *I* was still stuck in some crazy behavior myself.... You might give Alanon or Naranon a try.
I do wish you well, and hope you can continue to post and read the sticky posts at the top of the forum.
I wish you the best.
Here is one of the first things I heard about addiction -
3Cs:
I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction
I can't CURE addiction
That is pretty powerful. Of course, I didn't believe it applied to ME... smile. So I spent a condsiderable amount of time trying, desperately, to control and cure the addicts in my life.
Only after doing EVERYTHING I could think of... every living thing... and only after seriously contemplating, and then making a plan and picking a day to take myself off the planet... only THEN was I ready to admit I really could not CAUSE, CONTROL, or CURE addiction.
If there were some magic words that would "make your husband" see and understand - we'd post them in ten foot letters on the forum. But there are not. Each addict has his or her own path. It takes what it takes. And in my experience, it takes far, far MORE than any wife, mother, husband, father or friend could ever imagine for an addict to get clean.
Each of us have said, "Surely, this MUST be his/her bottom." Almost 100% of the time, it gets much worse than what WE consider to be the worst.
This is not because they don't love US enough or don't love themselves enough or aren't smart enough or can't see what is happening. I've never seen an earth person (normie) try as hard as an addict/alcoholic to not drink, not smoke, not use their drug of choice.
They do try -very hard. But, in part, because it DOES take losing more than they ever imagined, before they find the level of motivation required to get clean and sober... they fail.
Alanon meetings helped me understand my addicted loved ones.... and those meetings helped me understand why *I* was still stuck in some crazy behavior myself.... You might give Alanon or Naranon a try.
I do wish you well, and hope you can continue to post and read the sticky posts at the top of the forum.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome 10st. glad you found us. please keep yourself & your boys safe. there is nothing u can do for your husband. it is only going to get worse. save yourself & keep coming back here. we care. there is alot of info here. read all the post by other wifes & g.f. & the stickys at the top of the forum.my addict is my son. prayers , hope
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
1ost,
Just want to pop in here and say welcome.
You sure have found a place where we all understand.
Try to find some meetings, people there, understand too.
And the meetings are just for YOU, they make YOU feel better.
Hugs,
Just want to pop in here and say welcome.
You sure have found a place where we all understand.
Try to find some meetings, people there, understand too.
And the meetings are just for YOU, they make YOU feel better.
Hugs,
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