farfromclear

I broke it off with my RA boyfriend and have been doing alot of reading trying to figure out what happened and why things happened the way that they did. How much weight should I put into the "no dating for a year" theory? He was only 6 months sober when we started dating, do you think that was part of the problem? I guess what I am asking is that I am hoping that in time we can try again. Is it stupid to think that it could be different if he takes some more time to himself? Is it possible that he just wasn't ready for a relationship? He hasn't tried to contact me or talk his way back into my life... is there hope?

loverof1

Sweetheart...run for your life. He has done you an enormous favor by letting you go.

If you want...you can put my shoes on for awhile to see what your future holds with someone who is still not able to handle their emotions/addiction.

If I had known then what my future held...I would have chosen a different path.

loverof1

Hugs to you anyway...I know the pain.

Lilyflower

Hey ffc,

He could end up sober for years, and may go back to drinking again. Alcoholism is a life time illness, it will always be a part of him. How long would you put your life on hold to see if he can keep sober? What if you got back together, had it good for a while and then ended up exactly where you are now? Possibly with kids in tow?

I have to agree with lover, you have the opportunity to heal yourself of any codie issues within yourself, the opportunity to find a healthy, supportive caring man who will treat you like a queen! Don't linger over this bump in the road.

Aside from that I would try to work an idea I first heard in the film '28 days' with Sandra Bullock in a rehab centre. On the film one of the recovering addicts asks 'when can I start dating again?' to which he is told,

'buy a plant, if after 6 months the plant is still alive, go get a pet dog/cat, if after 12 months the animal is still alive, you can begin to think about dating again'.

ARealLady

How much weight should I put into the "no dating for a year" theory?

For me that would depend on whether or not your BF is working a programme in order to maintain permanent sobriety. That was my boundary when I went no contact with XABF....I broke it off until such a time that he got himself into a programme and remained sober for a year. And I got that tidbit of advice from Melody Beattie's Beyond Co-dependency and see it reiterated on these boards too.

XABF was white-knuckling sober when we fell in love. I didn't know that meant he was a dry drunk. I really don't know who the man is. If, after a year of 12-step programme sobriety he contacts me again, maybe I won't like him anymore or maybe he will get sober and decide that he made a mistake about who I am.

ARL

sad#3

I couldn't go without sex that long. Just being honest. I don't see how anyone could. But, I'm a man and our sex drives are much stronger.

LaTeeDa

Ahem! That's a pretty big generalization you just made. Plus, you don't have to go without sex just because you are single. Just another thing you can learn to take care of yourself.

L

hbb

Hi Farfromclear and welcome! I don't have much advice but i can tell you from my experience. My exabf and i started dating, he started going to AA after 3 months of pure hell. He was sober for the next 6 months and life was hell. He left me, cheated on me, lied about everything to me and went back to his exgf. My suggestion is that to runnnnnnnnnn like you've never ran before.

You asked if there was hope......maybe, but i wouldn't sit around waiting too long. I have been hurting a while now. My ex was white knuckling it too as Areallady said. I hate to say it but it was worse sober than drunk living. I believe in no relationship in the 1st year but for me, we were already together and obviously he's not taking it too serious with his behavior.

I'm not going to lie, still today i hurt badly but to have days without drama and chaos, life is getting a little better day by day.

And i leave you with one last thing, please please please take care of you, i got lost in all of it and am trying to now figure out me it will get better, i promise.

keepingmyjoy

Welcome ffc. So glad you found us. There is so much information here. Read the stickies and posts. You will find there are people that have been in your shoes and might get some insight so you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

I wish you the best....

Barbara52

Welcome. I hope you find this place as informative and helpful as I have.

OK, he hasn't tried to contact you. What makes you think he is interested in picking things up again later? Assuming he would be interested, how long are you willing to put your life on hold for an iffy proposition? Why do you think waiting for someone who currently isn't interested is better than moving on and perhaps finding a relationship with someone who is healthier? You deserve the best in life.

What were the reasons you broke off the relationship?

Janitw

Run and run fast. Oh by the way....welcome here to SR. You can fall in love with a healthy man just as easily as a sick one. Once the kids, bills, time, memories start to come then you are stuck for a while.....and maybe YOU will be too sick to make a move or worse yet be trapped by their incomes that you stay because you don't know that you can leave....thats how sick it gets....and the damage to the kids??? We won't even go there....just run while you can...get him out of your system.

Janitw - click on any of our names to read our histories hun.. Good Luck and Keep Posting - we care about YOU..

denny57

welcome, farfrom clear

Instead of thinking about his year of recovery, how about a year for yourself and see how you feel then? What worked for me was Al-Anon, therapy, education, SR, friends, activities . . . .