hope-faith

When you finally get to a point where you know you need to end a relationship with an A, how do you actually start the No Contact Rule? Do you have one final conversation and say "It's over. No more; do not contact any more"? Or do you just disappear and hope the A figures it out eventually? I've read so much here on how to follow the No Contact rule, but nothing on how to start.

cookconfay

I was told to just tell him to not call me anymore.....didn't work though, he kept calling I just started to choose to not answer the calls, he'd leave messages and then he just SHOWED up at my door! After that little nuance I think tho he's finally got it....he's only left 1 message very early on Sunday morning...woo hoo...it's Tuesday afternoon and NOTHING, no messages, no calls, WEEEEEEEEEEE

good_luck

Whatever works for you. You can't control whether he contacts you, just whether you contact him or allow him to contact you.

It's not really about making a statement so that he will understand and get some sort of message. It's for you.

ichabod

I haven't been there, but I think it would be best to state that you want no more contact. People have a way of rationalizing anything else.

GiveLove

When I went no-contact, I first had to move out. Sounds like you won't have that step.

I reached a point where I had one "last" (ha) conversation with him and it said, "I am doing some inner work that requires that I stop being in touch with you. I don't want to have any contact with you while I'm doing this, and it may last the rest of my life. Do not call me, write to me, or come wherever I am. If you call me I will not answer. (I will not be calling you, nor returning any messages you leave.) I want you to stay away from me and if you don't I will consider it a threatening gesture and get a restraining order."

I told him, and he didn't listen, so I wrote it to him and sent it by registered mail, keeping a copy. This helped me get the restraining order later, when he wouldn't abide by my wishes.

Not to say that I didn't break down and take his call from time to time, but as I got stronger and healthier I started to feel really nauseous whenever I'd talk to him, and so eventually that took care of itself.

Everyone's different.....that's just how I did it. Wishing you luck.....I found tremendous serenity and self-esteem in going no contact. Protecting ME, finally, instead of somebody else....

Hugs,
GL

SaTiT

well...I didn't get right the first time or the fifth time.lol
Yes, the general area of throwing your $200 cell phone away.
No e-mail either..but if she/he knows your work e-mail or
work phone and knows where you work. it's a challenge.
If you moved and she/he finds out..that's totally screwie too.
i live in a smaller community so it was a bit tough. She knew
where all of the meetings are at too. She'll make drive by.lol

She even bribe me to give her money..saying if i give money
one last time..she'll stay out of my life...found her a week later
after she broke into my apt...crashed.

I even relasped into drinking again...she was always saying
if i was to drink again, she would leave me...that didn't work.
i felt sicker than a dog and thought I was going to die..and she
kept coming over,,making excuse to pick up her belongings..
CD's..coat hangers...wtf???

I even got to the piont of starting to date other women after
6 months of seperation. Will..that was totally screwie.
The first woman i dated ended up being a stalker too.
My ex started fighting with two on the phone and one in the parking
lot..i just ran.lol

I had to do a little geographic. well, my friends actaully had to
help me. I moved to a different town, a different job. Bascailly
tried to start a new life. No contact and it was like pulling teeth.lol
She even started calling my friend all the time..but my friend never told me
she was doing that constantly, until later.

Then i screw up had contacts with her..the sheit hitted the fan
so i was thinking, that was it...nope !!! Slowly we ended up back
in the same old mess again.

A lot of it was i had to keep with my bondaries..which I failed to do
so time and times again. it's kind of backwards from what I thought
it was going to be..becuase i had a hell of a time saying "no" to
her and to myself. i think saying "NO" to myself this time around
seem to work better. Slow learning cruve i guess.

It's been 2 1/2 month this time..i guess you can said..i have my
75 days of no contacts.lol

cagefree

With XABF - he's the one who asked for space originally. Right after that I went to get my stuff at his place and took a friend. I got the money he owed me, the computer I leant him along with books, movies, cd's clothes, etc and left the parking lot with no intention of ever calling or speaking with him again. In essence, I knew going there that this was the last time he would be in my life - my choosing. He had done me the favor of asking for no contact first...I just kept up no contact when he started regretting that decision and kept calling me.

It's probably different for everyone. Making the boundary was easy - sticking to it in the beginning was maddness for me.

loverof1

How do you handle this same situation when there are kids involved?

ARealLady

I sent him a brief email explaining that I no longer wished to be in contact with him until such a time as he had embraced sobriety and had been working a 12-step programme for at least a year. It took me months to even get to that point so I guess I had to be very clear in my own mind as to why "no contact" was in my interest.

Be prepared for fall-out but don't doubt for a minute that you have made a mistake. "No contact" is for YOU and you alone. XABF retaliated with some horrible threats and nasty accusations but I survived thanks to this forum, re-reading chapters of Melody Beattie's books, the help of real life friends and professionals who understood and one memorable conversation with a women's crisis line.

Your A won't let you go easily. You'll probably have to block emails, use caller ID and possibly change phone numbers. Your A will find "hooks" to reel you back so post here and we will help you recognize them.

All the best!

ARL

SaTiT

,

hbb

Hi Hope,

For me, my exabf wanted a "break" from me, once things were over, he called and wanted to hopefully talk soon after dropping off my stuff. I thought long and hard about calling him back and decided i had nothing to say to someone who lied and cheated on me. So since July 4th, i haven't spoken a word to him. I'm not saying it's been easy as we have a 4 year financial tie but i've resorted that to being only money and it's just a monthly transaction. Everyone says no contact is the way to go, i hope it's an easier transition for you.

denny57

I just did it. Everything since then has been through attorneys. He even asked via his attorneys to establish direct contact with me. The answer was short: "no."

rawr_x

just explain to them how you feel and help them understand. then tell them you want no contact and if they still contact you go to court

kglast

I just had to stop answering his calls - any kind of attempt on my part to "get through to him" why this was necessary for me was just turned around on me to make me seem like a terrible person.

It was the best thing I did for myself to begin moving foward in my life...unfortunately, I broke my own rule a few times and trust me when I tell you, IT WAS NOT WORTH IT...

I am starting the grieving process all over again....hopefully my recovery time will be quicker.

Just make a break for it....and keep coming here for support - this site was and continues to be a life/sanity saver for me....

dreamygirl

Told him it was over but he kept arguing, telling me it was all my fault, that I am an alcoholic (I am not) etc. I got tired hearing it - wrote him a long, long letter.
Told him it was over.

Then he began stalking me outside my employer, and followed me home, followed my coworker home.

That went on for 4 nights - on the fourth night, he was so drunk outside my employer that the police came, arrested him and I got a restraining order.

THAT established no contact. Because they are so sick and unpredictable when drunk I felt this was necessary. And just to show you HOW sick he was - he continued to contact me and violated the RO repeatedly.

It finally went to court almost TWO years later - he was charged with 4 counts of criminal contempt BUT he had a very good criminal attorney who ripped me up on the stand, even though I had evidence - and he was found not guilty.

2 months later my ex was found dead - he drank himself to death and had another episode of esophageal varices, so he really bled to death.

Thank Goodness I did not have to witness that again.