still_me

I met with my counselor but that is not enough. I have an appt. Monday with the shrink to change or add meds. They said I should go into the hospital if I couldn't make it til monday but at this point I can't, although I am getting closer to it. I can't handle my family's looks of disappointment and worry and hovering. They don't understand just how much worse this makes things for me.

I am putting ALOT ALOT ALOT of hope, ya stupid!, into monday. I don't want any of you to think less of me BUT I use to be an IV drug user and have not used IV drugs since 1995. I have not wanted to use IV drugs since. Sometimes other drugs but not IV ones. It was like that was a diff. person. NOW though, I want to so bad I can't hardly stand it. I even went as far as to call someone from those 12 yrs ago and see if I could get anything but luckily they are not doing that anymore. although I say luckily I honestly wish they did cause i feel like I ahve to do something to NOT be me. I don't want to still be me aNYMORE. Right now it is too hard! Like I said I'm putting ALOT of stupid hope into tomorrow but I also know I do that and probably on purpose so I can feel even worse when I don't feel better after meeting them.

A friend just called and asked me to go shopping for a while. The thought of crowds and **** is almost to much to even think aboiut but then I started crying cause I can't help it right now and she says YOU have to get out if jsut for a while. I don't want to but I said I would. I have 16 min. to get to her house and here I still sit.

God I'm tired of this. I just want to not feel, or feel ok, meaning not bad voices, not thinking everyone is out to hurt me, that life isn't worth living and all this **** that is going on and on and on.

I seem to come here just to type and then come back later on to read. Why????? Is it cause you don't know me and it's ok then?

I wish I could go into a coma for a while and wake up and be someone else.

kelsh

What you are describing right now is how I felt when I had Clinical Depression and was very ill. I had quit drinking as well as getting help for my depression but they had to wait about six months to see if my depression was releated to my alcoholism or if I truly had depression. They couldn't take my word for ....that I had been diagnosed with depression when I was a teen.

Hopefully you will be able to find out something tomorrow. Your friend must be trying very hard to help you but it sounds like you aren't able to do any of your normal activities as such right now. I was at a standstill. I was going to work and to AA Meetings but I was dying inside. I had no motivation, couldn't concentrate, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...was existing in a fog. Felt like a puppet on a string with each family member or friend pulling my strings. :puppet

My heart breaks for you. Please Please tell the "shrink" how awful you are feeling & how close you are to seeking something to relieve your pain inside of you. When I was at this point I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation which is thinking of suicide and a plan to carry it out. :praying

I will be waiting for another post from you and you just hang in there...hang on with all your strength until tomorrow. :comfort

kelsh

Live

I just got out of the hospital one week ago because I was obsessing over suicidal ideations. My meds work great but I can't afford $422 a month and then was hit with several serious stressful things. I have applied for assistance with the prescriptions and am waiting to be approved, in the mean time they stocked me up with samples. I know when they kick in I will be a different person, but this waiting time is hard.
I truly have a chemical imbalance and will be on meds the rest of my life.
I did make an appointment with a free clinic for therapy tomorrow...tho' I am quite sceptical about it. I have had this condition for over 20 years and it is progressive.
The waiting time for the meds to kick in is miserable but if you ride it out and the meds are right suddenly you realize everything looks and feels different and good!
Best wishes!
live

CatsPajamas

((still me)) (( Live)) ((kelsh))

Glad you're here, and I'm glad you are getting help for your depression. I remember when I first started taking my anti depressants. I couldn't really tell that they were working, but then one day I looked back and realized how much better I felt. All that STUFF in my life was still there, but it became manageable and not such a big deal.

I wish you peaceful days and restful nights, and brighter days ahead

Hugs

Cats

still_me

well i went to the shrink today BUT my appt. was at 4 and by 4:50 she still had not come out to get me, no one had come to say there was an emergency or anything. By that time I was so agitated I stormed out. I am out of control. I drove to a place and drank so much I had to have someone come get me. Then I'm sure I was a mess cause I remember her and her husband picking me up out of the front yard. Now I can NEVER go back to their house. These are people I really do love and have cherished even though they don't know all about me. Now I can never go back or face them again. she wanted to take me to the hospital but I said no. I don't figure they'll admit you for being insane if you're drunk. It is now almost 1am and I left their home while they slept. Now that is just one less avenue I have in my life.

I'm tired. I REALLY wanted the help today and they **** on me. It was so hard for me to make that appt. and go on to see the shrink and then they didn't even bother with me. Just left me there to rot.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried but it's not going to work.

thank you all for letting me talk here. At least I had that. Now I don't know what to do or where to go.

discoveringme

Still me:

I really think you should just go to the hospital, and tell them you need to be admitted. They will then have you see a therapist right away. You sound dangerously close to the bottom.

Your true friends will never leave you and you dont have to be ashamed. EVERYONE has some kind of "Issues". I am 3 weeks sober, and I wish I had come clean with my friends sooner. They hugged me and are a wonderful support to me. I always listened to them and their problems..marriage...mental illnes...etc...and I NEVER condemned them for their problems..I just love them more!...so why do we always think that our issues are unforgiveable????

Stay strong and know that we are here for you! You DO matter, you ARE important, and friends CARE!!

still_me

me again,

I talked to my friends and they are totally fine with what happened. I mean they don't think it's ok but they accept me and I'm welcome with them and they told me they love me. At this very moment I am bouncing around with believing them, cause I want to desperately, and not believing them and getting angry.

I did call the shrinks office today and they didn't have a clue why what happened happened but I go in tomorrow at 4:30 so I am HOPING something can help.

I don't want to be me anymore.

reader

Hang in there until tomorrow..... You need to get on some meds. and stay on them. Please don't drink with them as they will not work as well. Just know that someone is thinking about u and hoping u will be alright. I have been where u are and I understand what u are going through. Hugs out to u and please take care of yourself.

Dasfunkyt

You have hope and that is something... we tend to let got when we feel none... I don't know exactly or what happened, one minute i was going to die and the next i was on a phone with the hospital ,,,, geting some kind of help. that saved me,, just finally saying how things really were. I was beond caring anymore what people would think... I didn't care if they saw who I realy was.. (like I even did!?)

from so little hope i have been given a life worth living.. AA wont work if you only take meetings.. sponsor, steps, service, the whole lot to make it whole and as your program grows whole, you will grow with it.

Ill put all my positive energy toward you where ever you are, not that it realy matters.. i belive we are linked and that we don't neet to know how we find each other, we just need to know we will.

God bless you, as you may or may not understand him...

still_me

I am holding til tomorrow but I had to make a choice tonight. Either drink or ??????. So I drank. Lots of hope for tomorrow but I'm losing hope a little bit. My grown children don't need me and right now I'm a burden to them. I have never wanted to be a burden. I just want to be someone else. I love my children so much. They are adults but live at home to go to college.

Please let me be someone else. I hope tomorrow will help but I just don't know. I feel I'm trying but at the same time I feel hospital will be best but as weird as it sounds I'd rather my kids see me drink then think I"m insane and a danger of being lost.

I know i'm not talking to anyone here but I just have to type. Please help me figure out how to get better without letting me other family know I am at the end of my rope. They will be worried and hover and I can't handle that right now. I wish there was an island I could go to and just get lost.

help.

reader

Thinking of u~~ How did u make out at the appt.? Take care of u.... Kerry

shutterbug

still_me

Hi guys,

had my appt. and talked about ALot. Hospital was brought up several times but I'm not ready yet cause my family would know. They put me on alot of diff. meds and one to pretty much knock me out for a while so they other meds can have time to work, hopefully. I'm kind of out of it a bit right now so I'll type more tomorrow before taking the meds that knock me out so much.

Thank you for being here and I honestly have a tiny bit more hope now. At least I feel i'm headed in the right direction which ever way it may take me.

still_me

I was feeling a little more hopeful earlier but not tonight. I just can't take this bouncing around anymore. I will call tomorrow and see what they can do for me. I just don't have the time to wait this out anymore.

reader

If u don't think u can wait for the meds to work u should consider going in to the hospital. Does your family even have to know if thats ur concern. Take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. Try to think positive, this will get better. Thinking of u tonight