shug

I flew in from work after nightshift yesterday after reading posts on SR for a week. I replied to one post about how i wasnt quite down and out but i could be soon if i kept drinking-all true, full of good intentions. I stated boldly that this was what I needed to shock me into sobriety and I had vague intentions of attending meetings and had taken the crash course in RR online although I knew that AA was really the way for me. At the first opportunity I drank, intending that I would only have a few to take the edge off. A few turned into a dozen and I had to make excuses to be away from home. The fairly local hotel I was planning to drink at was fully booked so I headed into town.I was pulled over and tested for alcohol and blew over. my second DUI in 12 months, my husband doesnt know about the first. I have booked into a hotel. My husband thinks I am with a sponser-who doesnt exist-I made her up to appease him about 6 months ago. He told me he is proud of me because the last text i sent him i told him i was with my (imaginary) sponser because I wanted to drink. I walked to this hotel and took whatever room was available.
Suffice to say I am entirely f@&!*d. Anyone have a teleporter to another dimension???

Rowan

Hi Shug - thanks for your honesty - and sorry to hear about the DUI - I'm glad no one was hurt.
Are you ready to stop drinking?

parentrecovers

hey shug, i'm sorry you are in a bad place, but i hope you can take this lesson and learn from it. you deserve a more peaceful life. support, k

shug

yes

parentrecovers

gonna try to make some inquiries about aa meetings?

shug

help.what should i do? i'm a functioning alcy with everthing hanging on my ability to work. should i tell my husband everything- five years worth of lies? we work together and i need my license to work-although i can get away with not having it for a while-but so stressfull-what a mess. before i met him i had just left a mental health unit for suicide attempt/was taking lots of drugs at the time. It all sounds really bad but no one that knows me has any idea.they think i am stable and healthy and happy. I keep thinking about possible scearios to escape this. not suicide though. I just want everything to be ok again.

parentrecovers

i think you gotta tell your husband. asap. he's most likely worried sick about you if you are awol.

shug

no he thinks i'm with my sponser. he thinks i'm getting better.

parentrecovers

honesty is the only way to find recovery, shug. do ya have anybody else local to call for support?

shug

my god what have i done? i've taken a hostage but he's the only person i love and he believes i'm a good person. i dont want to hurt him anymore but i need him

parentrecovers

i imagine you are a good person, shug. there's a lot of really good people affected by alcoholism - you're not alone.

tanyapmc

Shug, I think you need to be honest with you husband. He will probably be angry and hurt. Maybe you can get him to go to an Alanon meeting. Why don't you find an AA meeting for yourself today? You will not feel so alone there.

Remember....Things you have done are NOT who you are.

Rowan

Please don't be so hard on yourself, Shug. Wouldn't you feel freer if you were able to share this with your husband - no more lies - just be who you are - human - and accept that you need help.
I understand completely, really.

shug

i know i should but he'll be so hurt. he's such a good person and he loves this person i've been pretending to be. i'm afraid that if i show him who i really am he wont love me and thats all i have. i'm nothing without that, i've been what he wants me to be for so long. i dont know what i am without that and i'm scared that i'm nothing, i've never been anything without him. he's not some control freak but i've become this great person who achieves things and lives fully and is fearless but i keep drinking every chance i get. I'm worried that given the opportunity i'll just drink myself silly everyday, because i did that before. I'm not some pshycho looking for attention, i've avoided posting because i dont want people to pay any attention to me and i wonder if honesty will really help me. i dont know why i'm postin except that in meetings i'm too ashamed.

bval

Wow. What a tangled web we weave, eh?

Sorry you're in such a spot. A second DUI is not nearly so easily hidden from a loved one as a first, either, so you're pretty much gonna have to tell him about that part of the story. As to whether or not you come clean about 5 years worth of lies right away is a different matter. At a bare minimum, don't tell any MORE lies though, and resolve yourself that if he questions you in a way that honesty about the whole 5 years is required, then tell the truth about it.

All of us that are now in recovery had to accept the consequences of 'coming clean', so we know how you feel right now. It's tough, really tough. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that in the long run we're really happy we did get honest with EVERYONE in our lives. The fact is, it's really really hard to get clean when you are lying to people, that's why honesty is such a big part of the AA recovery program

No matter what though you are going to have to tell him you've recently fallen back into your old habit and gotten into trouble around it, and should tell him you made up the sponsor thing to hide it and that you're sorry but that's how much a hold on you the disease has. Promise him (and us!) you are going to get some REAL help now and then DO IT.

Good luck, keep posting, we're here for you anytime!

shug

yuk. i was hoping for some magic solution but low and behold there isnt one..ta da
i'm so far from the truth right now i cant even see it. actually i can but it involves me getting hurt so...all i can focus on is how i can spin this to my advantage..cunning, baffling..god i'm tired..

parentrecovers

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain

Rowan

The truth will set you free, shug.

kelsh

Hi Shug.

You are in a big jam as far as I can tell. In our state there is jail time for a second DUI in a year. Some get to be on house arrest with a home monitor system. I don't know about working. It is a sad situation for you. :morning

As the others have said, I think it would be good if you could talk honestly with your husband. Also, you could call AA and ask for some help...maybe a Detox center.

More than likely you will have a court date and if you can show that you are actively seeking help it might be easier on you.

Every state is different in how they handle your type of situation. It sounds like you need to drive for your job so you are stuck if you lose your driver's license. They do issue a conditional license for specific hours that co-inside with your work.

I wish you really did have a sponsor. That would save you a lot of heartache. I don't know where to go from here. I never was arrested during my drinking career, mostly because I drank at home.

I am sure you will find some understanding people around you that do realize how hard it is to quit drinking...many people are like you....no one knows other than their garbage man...if they drank at home.

If you value your life, husband, and job it is time to come clean and get some help or you may end up losing it all. :comfort

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. You only have to do One Day At A Time!!!! :praying

Dee74

I wish you well shug...

looking at it from the other side, ok I'm not married, but coming clean to everyone was the best thing I ever did...not having that weight on my shoulders freed me up to fight this thing, y'know ?

oh and *trust me*...if your hubby loves you as is...he'll adore the real shug...we're just a shadow of what we could be when we're drinking...

D