Cloud0912

This is my first time using a message board, so I am just going to type away and tell my story. It is 5:20 in the morning where I am (Philadelphia) and I have only one thought on my mind and that is to get more drugs. I have read many of the posts on these message boards and my story doesn’t seem as serious as everyone else’s. I can’t help but think that what I am going though is just a “temporary problem” and that in a few months I’ll be ok.

I’m 19, I go to college, I have a part-time job and to my parents I seem “ok” and “stable” right now. I have battled with depression for 3 years. I was assessed at 17 when my parents noticed my excessive sleeping habits. I slept as much as I could taking Benadryl and Melatonin pills every time I woke up. I was still in high-school and my parents sent me to a counselor. Counseling didn’t seem to work for me, so I began taking pills. Everything seemed better and to my parents I looked, “recovered”. However, at the beginning of my past first semester my roommate found me in my dorm drunk and passed out with a bottle of Benadryl next to me. In my drunken state I had taken 15 pills. At the time all I wanted to do was sleep and escape my sadness. Since then, I was removed from the residence halls. The dean had given me an ultimatum. I began seeing a psychiatrist at the counseling center. If I didn’t, I risked having to leave school early because I was “unstable and a serious threat to myself”. I stopped my mandatory two week visits when school ended in late April. My psychiatrist had spoken with the dean and I was granted entry back into the residence halls this coming semester. At our last session she told me that I had made a remarkable change in my “destructive behavior”. I have not seen her since then and even now deep inside I know I lied and acted because I wanted to make everyone think I was ok. I wanted myself to think I was ok. I graduated high-school with a 3.7gpa. I finished my freshman year of college with a cumulative 1.58gpa.

I began “experimenting” with drugs 3 years ago. My first drug was Ecstasy. I have done many other drugs since; weed, coke, xanax, percocets, methadone pills, and the list goes on. But, for the past 2 months my drug of choice has been oxycontin. I began snorting oxy 40’s. I was curious. For the first two weeks I did it occasionally without a bad withdraw. The most withdraw I had then was hot flashes and occasional vomiting. I nodded out and slept for small periods of time. I immediately fell in love with this drug. It seemed to have helped me function. My attitude wasn’t always so negative. Yet now my dependence has become stronger. I buy oxy 80’s. If I don’t do half in the morning, half at noon, and a 40 at night I’ll have terrible pains all over my body. My withdraw now is almost unbearable. I went two days without using a week ago. The first day of not using was the worst day of my life, and the next day I went 14 hours before I used again. I feel helpless and getting off of this drug to me, is an undesired wish. Oxycontin has seemed to help me deal with my depression. It sounds stupid, because I know that oxycontins are not the answer to my problems nor are they anti-depressants. But it seems to get me away from feeling sad all of the time.

I want so badly to get off and to never have the need to use again. It seems impossible, because I can’t see myself without something. I’ve spent the majority of my money on them. I got desperate 3 weeks ago and I cashed a $1000 bond my grandmom gave me after graduating high-school. Between my paycheck at work and the bond I have 130 dollars left. When I look at money I think, “This will buy me ‘x’ amount of pills”. I am so afraid of telling my parents because for once everything seems to go right with them now. But I know in two days I will be flat broke and I am DREADING withdraw. I am going to a 2:00 o’clock NA meeting. I e-mail my psychiatrist from school again. I need to stop because all I think about and all I do is oxycontins. I need as many suggestions as you guys can give me. Can I just go to a methadone clinic? I was able to buy methadone pills for awhile but like I said earlier, two more days and I am broke. I want to try and do this on my own, without upsetting my parents and my family. Thanks for reading.

2stop

Dear Cloud,

I can hear the pain, frustration and terror in your post and I just wanted to take a minute to let you know so many of us understand and your pain and suffering is no less significant because of the length of time you've used. I am 31 and have been a pain pill addict for 20 years...I understand the strong mental obsession and the physical withdrawals that you swear each and every time will kill you. I am 3 weeks clean now and I've never gone longer 2 weeks previously...I also believed I absoulutely could not live without those pills. I thought they were the ideal antidepressant too, but in the end they have done a lot of damage and I have lost alot of my health and alot of my sanity. I am glad to hear you are going to NA and I encourage you to continue to do so. And feel free to come on here and post. There are some wonderful people with lots of good advice and support. I have you in my thoughts and prayers, and let us know how you're doing?

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Cloud0912

Thank you so much for replying. I was thinking “this is stupid, what are you doing?” and I know it’s not but I am so scared. Someone I knew in high-school died on Saturday morning; he fell asleep at the wheel and drove into a tractor trailer. I can’t help but wish that I could have traded places with him because it seems so impossible for me to stop using. Every time I use, I know that I could easily die. A friend of mine lost her boyfriend to the same drug. Yet when I look into this LITTLE controlling green pill I know the ultimate consequence and I risk all that I am because I sometimes think I am better off. I have never been this open before and I am so scared my parents or the state will have me committed. I want to get better but I’m so afraid. I hate being depressed and I hate feeling so controlled

xmethead

i drove around at 4 am looking for meth....yikes...imma feeling you on this...i don't know how to tell you to seek help...because im not a professional.but it is evident you need to talk....and i think you've done the right thing by talking here...the forum leaders or moderators can give you some options i'm sure.as for you....take it upon yourself...you posted,i want to stop and not have the need anymore....that right there is a very good start...you seem very sincere about it.respect and hope to you...
hey...throw that pill away...its NOT helping you....you know this...

2stop

I have been tight where you are and i want to tell you there is hope...it's not easy, but it is possible. The question I finally had to ask myself..after the pills didn't work anymore, I was basically just OD-ing myself on them was this HOW can I live with the pills?I didn't want to admit that they were the problem but they were and I just had to finally surrender. yesterday and even now today I am craving so hard I have been in tears and I want to thank you for having the courage to share, it reminds me to stay focused. Keep posting and we'll see what we can come up with, okay?


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Cloud0912

Do you know anything about a methadone clinic? I know people who have gone, but they have told me that they are open for 2 hours and that the line is so long. A girl I work has gone. She told me that they give you liquid methadone but sometimes they close before she ever gets up there? Does this sound right? I'm afraid that if I start going to a methadone clinic and I'm unable to get it that I'll go back to doing oxy's. I can't describe my withdraw before. I thought that maybe after a day the pain would lessen. But I gave up. I lasted one day and 14 hours and then I used.

2stop

I don't know much about the methadone clinics up here, knew some people who went in Ft. Worth, TX. There'll be some one along here shortly who'll know more, hang in there, okay? I know you're scared, but there is help out there.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

xmethead

i don't think my town has a clinic to disperse drugs...i have heard of such clinics in big cities though....

Cloud0912

Thank you guys so much for the support. Last night, was my bottom. I realized so much about myself that I didn't like and I want to change. What I want and what I wish for is completely different than how I act. I used again tonight and I hate myself for it. When I began oxycontins I said to myself, "only on weekends" and then it became "well I'll do it today and I don't for a couple of days." and now it controls everything in my life. I e-mailed my psychiatrist from school and I have a meeting with her on Monday. I am grateful for all of the advice you guys have given me. My parents do not know of my drug use now. As far as they know, we're "doing better than ever" and I like how things are now. I feel so alone, and so sad all of the time. My friend from high-school's funeral was today and like I said earlier I couldn't help but think "that should have been me". Today has been so hard for me. Please keep me in your prayers, I need it.

2stop

I am praying for you Cloud. I understand you feel really low and down to your bottom, but you can rise up again...your dreams are wating on you but they have trouble competing with the drugs, those drugs are VERY jealous of any extracurricular activity. Just take it easy, talk to your doctor, be open honest and willing and amazing things will happen for you...24 hours at a time. I'm rooting for ya!!


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Doctor Benz

Hi Cloud,
I wouldn't recommend the Methadone Clinic route. I would come clean with your parents, you will need some help!
You could try switching to Loratab or something not as long acting as the Oxys. Try tapering after the switch. You can try the "Thomas Recipe" after you taper down the Loratabs.
I was buying my Methadone from the street. It is hopelessly addicting and the outgoingness you feel with the oxys will not be the same with the Methadone.
I went to a rapid detox to get off the Methadone, I been sober 15 days now.
Sincerely, Greg

justaround

What is a "Thomas recipe"??

Doctor Benz

Hi justaround,
I think ( www.medhelp.org ) is the message board that allows the "recipe" to be posted.
Greg

ButterflyChaser

I just want to give you one of these ((((((((((((((((((CLOUD))))))))))))))))))) and say how much I am very proud of you for coming here!! Hey I'm new here to, so we are in the same boat together, just believe in yourself..that you can beat this thing...cause YOU CAN!!!

"God doesn't close any doors without opening another one!"

trish

Just detoxed!! Been on methadone many, many years. This is day #8. If you have any questions, I am here.

Naiad

Cloud - This is just my opionion as a mom of a 19 year old son. I love him unconditionally and if he ever has a problem I want him to turn to me. I will love and support him no matter what. Your parents love you and will continue to love you. You really need them right now and the help they can offer you. Of course they will be upset, sad, heartbroken and maybe even angry. BUT, they will still love you and want to help you in anyway they can. I will pray for you, you are moving in the right direction by looking for help. Love, Naiad

wishIsedNO

hey cloud..ive been a heroin addict since i was 16 and im 22 now,,ive been on methadone for the past 15 months and im coming down now..but i just relapsed on heroin last nite..and i too can only think of more im afraid i will either have to stay on meth forever or go back to using cause it seems i cant go a day without feeling that warm feeling inside..methadone is a great drug to stop the withdrawl and it gives u time to realize what u done and how addicted you've become it also shows u how u can easily live life without drugs..when i was in florida 2 yrs agocause my parents were desperatly trying to save me from dope,,i found oxycotins..but i never stuck on it cause to me it didnt give me that rush i love..but they made me nod exactly like dope..so i know why your having such a problem staying away from them when i found dope i was very depressed too i dont know if it was actually me or the accessive coke i was doing at the time..but whatever it was we r self medicating ourselves..theres nuthing wrong with wanting to make yourself feel better no ones deserves to suffer as people who have depression do but u gotta do it the rite way..i think you should really deal with your depression first then the addiction will follow..i think it might be good for u to join a methadone clinic but at the same time tell them u need to also be subscibed a anti-depressant..that will probably save u from wanting to kill yourself while your bodys getting use to not getting high..cause even though u wont really feel any sickness cause of the meth but u still go through a physcologiacal withdrawl which i think is sumtimes worse then the physical one..well i hope u hang in there and get help before u run outta money..even though us addict when desperate enough always seem to find our drug of choice...its help that seems to always hard to reach at least with my experience..good luck..

trish

wishIsedNO

I was glad to see your post. There is usually alot of negativity regarding the methadone program. I just detoxed 9 days ago after being addicted to meth, heroin, and cocaine. I was on the methadone for 20 years but only started to get my head together 5 years ago. But I was on such a high dose (120mg.) that I weaned off ever so slowly.
I couldn't get off until my mind was under control and the depression ceased.
I tell you....when a person is finally ready to detox and stay clean...the withdrawals are not what people make them out to be.
I notice we are neighbors. Anyway, good luck to you and hope all works out.

wishIsedNO

yea..i was on 110mg now im on 60 after 5 months im coming down 10mgs a months but im starting to come down every 3 weeks..cause i wanna get off im itching to get my life back to normal i know to watch out cause it aint good to go too fast but i feel im ready and i know what u mean i dont feel hardly anything..except for a few back aches and leg cramps in the morning most of the time i feel normal..im glad now im down to 60mg im finally awake when i was on 110mg i was always nodding and i didnt use at all either..its probably cause im a small gurl..im 5'2"..i was 97lbs when i came in but now i weigh a whopping 149lbs..i never been this heavy but i know most if its the meth bloating me up thats one of the side effects i dont like..well i hope u continue to do good..yea we r neighbors i go to metropolitan hospital meth program..depending where u at maybe we've seen eachother and dont even know..

trish

wishIsedNO
I hear ya about going down to quick with the meth. I took my time and let my body adjust. Listen to your body...not your mind. When we get anxious, things don't feel right.
I am definately hearing you with the weight thing. When I was on 120mg, I was close to 160lbs. But I had also just given birth. I am almost 5'3". With each decrease....my weight started to drop. Now that I am off, I weigh a bit less than 120lbs. It was the methadone that made me retain all of that water. I guess I don't know much of anything regarding my self. Things are different when you get off the clinic. I mean....my actions are the same....but life just seems more important!! The methadone clinic helped me when I was finally ready to help myself My counselor is the best.
Anyway.....good luck and hope to talk to ya soon.