thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: .
Posts: 299
thanks
Hi, thought I’d check in and say hello.
Coming up on one year sober in a couple of days – I don’t count obsessively, but I remember the day very clearly and I've been thinking about it lately. I posted here that day, desperate and miserable, and people were kind and encouraging and I sensed they knew what I was going through. Now I’m a year on, without a single drink. (Except, accidentally, one mouthful at a party when someone handed me some kind of apple cider when I asked for apple juice. I put the glass down, having a quiet freak-out, but then went and washed out my mouth, took a deep breath and decided to put it behind me.)
I sometimes wonder if I am sober or just not drinking. I’m not sure: it’s a difficult time for me right now, too much work and too much instability. I’ve been anxious and nervous, for no big reason. Not quite a dry drunk, no white knuckles, but without that great calm and centeredness I see in some recovered people. I go to AA sometimes, but don’t work the program. There are days when it inspires me, days when I feel like a total alien there. Sometimes I hear myself sharing and feel like a pompous, evasive windbag compared with some wise, straightforward and honest people I hear there.
But somehow I still have the same sense I had a year ago – that the last bender was the last bender I had in me, that I just couldn’t take any more, physically, mentally, spiritually, anything. Why was that the last blackout, after how ever many hundreds before? I came out of a blackout in a taxi, on the other side of the city, not knowing where I was and for a couple of hours not able to remember where I lived.
I have no idea how it happened. Something changed, I got strength enough from somewhere to begin to make a change. A little window of opportunity. And then a lot of strength from reading here a lot and posting, now and again. SR is a wonderful place: thank you all.
Coming up on one year sober in a couple of days – I don’t count obsessively, but I remember the day very clearly and I've been thinking about it lately. I posted here that day, desperate and miserable, and people were kind and encouraging and I sensed they knew what I was going through. Now I’m a year on, without a single drink. (Except, accidentally, one mouthful at a party when someone handed me some kind of apple cider when I asked for apple juice. I put the glass down, having a quiet freak-out, but then went and washed out my mouth, took a deep breath and decided to put it behind me.)
I sometimes wonder if I am sober or just not drinking. I’m not sure: it’s a difficult time for me right now, too much work and too much instability. I’ve been anxious and nervous, for no big reason. Not quite a dry drunk, no white knuckles, but without that great calm and centeredness I see in some recovered people. I go to AA sometimes, but don’t work the program. There are days when it inspires me, days when I feel like a total alien there. Sometimes I hear myself sharing and feel like a pompous, evasive windbag compared with some wise, straightforward and honest people I hear there.
But somehow I still have the same sense I had a year ago – that the last bender was the last bender I had in me, that I just couldn’t take any more, physically, mentally, spiritually, anything. Why was that the last blackout, after how ever many hundreds before? I came out of a blackout in a taxi, on the other side of the city, not knowing where I was and for a couple of hours not able to remember where I lived.
I have no idea how it happened. Something changed, I got strength enough from somewhere to begin to make a change. A little window of opportunity. And then a lot of strength from reading here a lot and posting, now and again. SR is a wonderful place: thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Sometimes I hear myself sharing and feel like a pompous, evasive windbag compared with some wise, straightforward and honest people I hear there.
(and I REALLY know what you mean! - but it does get better.)
Many congrats on the year, when it comes.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
Hey Nolonger, when one is pursuing a clean and sober life style there is hope for growth. Nothing stunts personal develop like active addiction. Maybe its time to develop other skills that furthers your coping strategies. Anyway, 
good job staying on the path to wellness. It works when we work at it. 
good job staying on the path to wellness. It works when we work at it. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
great job NL.
A year is strong, shows massive self control, and a determination to do what you know is right, even if you don't always feel it's easy.
When you say
i know exactly what you mean.
I don't know what the answer is.
But like Thomas Edison said when one of his workers felt he should give up looking for the design of the light bulb, Edison said "I don't feel defeated, i feel stronger. Now i know one more thing that WON'T work."
I feel like that with life and happiness and alcohol. I don't know what the answer is to happiness. But now i know one more thing that won't work.
A year is strong, shows massive self control, and a determination to do what you know is right, even if you don't always feel it's easy.
When you say
It’s a difficult time for me right now, too much work and too much instability.
I don't know what the answer is.
But like Thomas Edison said when one of his workers felt he should give up looking for the design of the light bulb, Edison said "I don't feel defeated, i feel stronger. Now i know one more thing that WON'T work."
I feel like that with life and happiness and alcohol. I don't know what the answer is to happiness. But now i know one more thing that won't work.
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