wpgwoman

I have been spending the better part of the last couple of weeks working on me. I have been putting extra effort into detaching and not reacting. It has been more of a struggle than I expected. I do find it difficult quite often to stop obsessing over what he is doing behind my back. At least before when I had these gut feelings, confronting took some of the anxiety away. Keeping my suspicions to myself and staying detached sometimes overwhelms me. I need to find some kind of release for these feelings, but I'm not sure what to do or how. It's that darn trust. Once it has been broken so many times, near impossible to rebuild.

I'm working hard on trying to give my A the benefit of the doubt. In all honesty, he has been putting an effort into this relationship. I was only able to see it once I started applying what I read in Codependent No More. It's my gut. It keeps telling me that he is just getting more skilled at hiding what he is up to behind my back. I know baby steps. I try to push these obsessive thoughts out of my mind, but it does not last long.

I have noticed a bit of difference though. Addressing my part in this dance has been an eye opening experience. Without all of my yapping at my A, life is much more peaceful for all involved. I get more accomplished, as well as enjoy my children more.

My list of boundaries were never shared with my A. Instead, I shared only one. I explained that I was having a difficult time resolving my trust issues with him. His chances had run out. In the event I found out that he has lied about anything, whether that be booze, drugs, not being at work, hanging out with his old addict buddies, money, anything, it would result in his bags being packed and the locks being changed. Period. Difference is now, he is fully aware that his own actions will determine the outcome of his own life. I did ask him how he would prefer to find out that I had caught him for the very last time. A phone call at work to give him a few hours to make arrangements or to come home and find his clothes on the deck. Strangely, he chose to find out once he got home.

I am confident in myself this time. I have come to accept that he will do what he will do, and I have no control over it. It is hard, but it is a work in progress. I have realized that if things don't work out, I did not fail.

The trust issue is what I need to work on. Applying what I am learning is proving to be more challenging than I anticipated. I guess the real dilemma is finding out that by detaching and living my life for me and my children has given him an opportunity to play me again. I am afraid to give up another six months of my life because he has gotten even more cunning at hiding the truth. But how can you truly work on a relationship with feelings like these?

Thanks for letting me rant, any words of wisdom.

rcutch

I always hated waiting for the other shoe to fall. For me, that's when I found myself living in tomorrow. And as Al Anon has taught me, I live for today. How can I enjoy today if I am waiting to see what will happen tomorrow. You don't have to trust your A, and there is nothing wrong with that. A wise friend once told me that if I was meant to find out, I would. I didn't need to go look. And it did happen a time or too, but I kept on going.

I am very proud of you for taking care of you! It's amazing to me how much of my children's lives I missed because I was so focused on the AH. I have come to appreciate them so much more - but now when I take time away from them it is to take care of me.

Good Luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

MsPINKAcres

the ODAT in Al-Anon book pg 131 is what helped me with this.
Today's Reminder: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let Go and Let God.

For me, this gives me the reassurance that the God of my understand will let me know what I need to know when I need to know it. And this has been proven so for me - even when it was things that I wished were not true. This way, I was unable to second quess the information either beause it was revealed to me by a power greater than me.

It usually had nothing to do with me or with the A's in my life - it was reveal thru an outside source that my HP used so I would know that He was taking care of me.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

wpgwoman

I know you are right. I tell myself the same thing whenever I am in the middle of one of my "obsessive episodes". Keeping my mouth shut is a task in itself. Once I've passed that hurdle, it's the "gut wrenching ball of fire in pit of my stomach" that I need to get past. I don't know how to make that feeling go away. It makes me crazy.

It's the same feeling I used to get when my A said he was going out for a couple of beers and said he would be home soon. As each hour went by, slowly I might add, the anxiety would build and build. 8 hours later you are a hysterical wreck and they are just drunk.

I just need to learn how to get through the heart pounding anxiety. I know I have better things to do with my life then watch the clock all night long, but how do you get to the point where it doesn't make you feel physically sick?

Barbara52

For me, I had to leave to escape the madness. I could no longer tolerate his drinking and although now he supposed is not drinking, I would not have been able to be there day after day wondering if this would be the day he did drink openly.

I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel you can live waitng for that other shoe to drop. It may not drop. It may drop today. Or next week. Or whenevver. Can you live with that waiting and wondering?

HKAngel24

WPG --

All great words before me.

I have struggled with detaching SO much. I have been known to hold onto things and be dragged for far longer than any normal human would consider.

I am SO, SO, SO comforted to hear of another's wretched physical reactions to their loved one's addiction/alcoholism. When I would get into one of my obsessive moments, I would border on panic-attack state and would fall into this rabbit hole of insanity where every minute seemed like an hour. When I KNEW I was powerless and SHOULD let go, I held on even tightered and this only caused more hurt and pain in the end. I STILL have trouble bringing myself out of the obsessive episodes and like you, when I can do so mentally, I still need to deal with the physical symptoms. For me, my stomach gets tied into knots and I cannot seem to eat or do much else because I'm so physically "tied up."

It was helpful for me to understand that I wasn't just a lunatic and that there WERE reasons why I was feeling the way that I was -- all of those "triggers" jump started the anxiety and we become powerless to some degree to control them whenever those indicators are present. I think it is so much harder when you are living with the person as it is more difficult to do the whole "out of sight, out of mind" type thing.

I honestly feel like if you looked in the dictionary underneath obsession - there would be a picture of me there. I feel so out of control when I am stuck in that tunnel of insanity. For me it was about freaking out over things I KNEW I had no control over. Kind of like when you realize that you are in deep water and cannot swim -- instead of attempting to float, you thrash around, swallowing more water anad inceasing the likilhood that you will contribute to your demise. Some reason my mind repelled the logic that I was not in control of his behavior and STILL acted out of past experiences -- the gut wrenching feeling, racing thoughts, etc.

What was helpful to me was when someone told me that I should stop trying to trust someone who is untrustworthy -- it only left me feeling worse. I, too, suffer from the KNOWING BETTER as in intellectually understanding, but unable to really FEEL the truth (i.e. only HE is in control of his recovery, nothing I do or say matters, etc.)

It may help to make a plan - a list of things you can do when the "codependent crazies" as I call them - start to take off. If you haven't read Codependent No More, I would recommend that. It is an excellent book that provided a whole new perspective for me when I needed it the most. I even have it on audio and listen to it on my Ipod because I need to hear what it says often.

My thoughts are with you and know that you are not alone in your distress.

rawr_x

just hang in there. it will get better hopefully