Angry and Frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: hillsborough nj
Posts: 30
Angry and Frustrated
Being the mother of an 18 yr old Heroin addict, I find myself going back and forth between tears and sadness to anger and frustration.
I know addiction is referred to as a disease, but sometimes I have a very hard time believing it. In fact there are times when I don't believe it at all. My addict has tried to tell "do you think I want to live like this"? I just rant, then stop it just stop it to no avail!
Am I finally losing my mind? Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way?
I know the addicts unacceptabe behavior is their addiction, but alot of the time I just have a real hard time buying into that!
I know addiction is referred to as a disease, but sometimes I have a very hard time believing it. In fact there are times when I don't believe it at all. My addict has tried to tell "do you think I want to live like this"? I just rant, then stop it just stop it to no avail!
Am I finally losing my mind? Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way?
I know the addicts unacceptabe behavior is their addiction, but alot of the time I just have a real hard time buying into that!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh, yes, I have felt like this plenty of times. I have an AS myself. It's a battle I finally got tired of fighting. Alanon taught me that no matter how much money I spend, no matter how much I do for him, he will not change. He will stay the same until HE is ready.
It is a terrible thing for us parents to have to go through this. We fear for them and we fear for ourself.
We can't run away, so we have to learn how to deal with all this anger and frustration.
Have you been to an alanon meeting? I don't know if there are naranon's in your area, but they are good too. Get to one as fast as you can. You'll meet many others in the same boat, some of whom are seasoned oldies that can help you.
It's not good to go it alone!
I am glad you found SR. It's a great place to vent, to get help and to find a friend or two.
In the mean time, try to calm yourself in what ever way you can.
I will sit and breathe in peace, then breathe out anger.
Remind yourself that you're not the cause of his addiction. He chose it for himself.
Hang in there and keep posting!
Hugs to you.
It is a terrible thing for us parents to have to go through this. We fear for them and we fear for ourself.
We can't run away, so we have to learn how to deal with all this anger and frustration.
Have you been to an alanon meeting? I don't know if there are naranon's in your area, but they are good too. Get to one as fast as you can. You'll meet many others in the same boat, some of whom are seasoned oldies that can help you.
It's not good to go it alone!
I am glad you found SR. It's a great place to vent, to get help and to find a friend or two.
In the mean time, try to calm yourself in what ever way you can.
I will sit and breathe in peace, then breathe out anger.
Remind yourself that you're not the cause of his addiction. He chose it for himself.
Hang in there and keep posting!
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 10
I also have a hard time with the concept of addiction as a disease. I'm sure I am really just missing a big piece of the recovery puzzle, but I can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that this disease is what is controlling my ex-husband's choices, as if he has no say in it whatsoever. How do other addicts become clean and stay that way? Like at what point do they become people making choices for themselves instead of being controlled by the addiction? At what point do we get to stop blaming the disease and start holding them accountable for their actions?
I told you I am missing something!
I told you I am missing something!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My opinion is that once the peson starts using Heroin their brain becomes diseased.
Once addicted addicts have predicable symptoms and behaviors.
I know how hard it is to be the mother of an addict as that is my situation too.
I love my son unconditionally. I protect myself from him being able to take advantage and I try not to take it personally. I can detach from him with effort. Things do change. My son is off of drugs now. He continues to drink though. He is making great effort to mend his relationship with me. I always have hope and faith that he will choose recovery and he is moving in that direction for now.
Things can change. In the meantime we can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out the why.
Once addicted addicts have predicable symptoms and behaviors.
I know how hard it is to be the mother of an addict as that is my situation too.
I love my son unconditionally. I protect myself from him being able to take advantage and I try not to take it personally. I can detach from him with effort. Things do change. My son is off of drugs now. He continues to drink though. He is making great effort to mend his relationship with me. I always have hope and faith that he will choose recovery and he is moving in that direction for now.
Things can change. In the meantime we can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out the why.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 138
We are only able to start making choices again once we stop using. Whenever I flirt with the idea of using again, I remind myself of what it felt like to be so in the grip of my disease that I would use against my will. Really Really not wanting to use, not wanting to hurt myself or my family anymore, but using none the less. Addiction is indeed a disease.
As to when we get choice back - for me it was when I stopped using, and admitted I was powerless over all drugs. From that admission came a restoration of choice. While I was using it was just the same narrow tunnel of choice each day - to hustle to score to lie to score to cheat to score. And then the short high. And then the remorse, the tears the sadness, the selfhate - and then the need to score and on and on and on.
And then the gift of desperation made me seek help. I admitted i Was an addict. Phew, that felt good. Relief. And then I started to go to meetings, work a programme - by all means just not pick up. By all means - whatever it took. Phone calls to my sponsor, meeting after meeting, not carrying any money, changing friends, not dsinking, not clubbing, whatever it took, each day, just for that day, sometimes just for that hour - just not picking up not picking up. And with time I realised life was for living. Each day was filled with choices. Each day filled with endless possibilities.
Today I know that I must often choose what I do not want to do. That is what is best for me. When I don't want to go to ameeting - I must go. I have learnt that I must not take myself too seriously - cos my addict self runs deep. I listen to others advice. I ask HP for direction.
I know its a disease. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to understand if you have nver used against your will. Its not a cop out. Its true. But each and every addict can recover. Its available to each one of us to arrest the disease.
thanks for letting me share
As to when we get choice back - for me it was when I stopped using, and admitted I was powerless over all drugs. From that admission came a restoration of choice. While I was using it was just the same narrow tunnel of choice each day - to hustle to score to lie to score to cheat to score. And then the short high. And then the remorse, the tears the sadness, the selfhate - and then the need to score and on and on and on.
And then the gift of desperation made me seek help. I admitted i Was an addict. Phew, that felt good. Relief. And then I started to go to meetings, work a programme - by all means just not pick up. By all means - whatever it took. Phone calls to my sponsor, meeting after meeting, not carrying any money, changing friends, not dsinking, not clubbing, whatever it took, each day, just for that day, sometimes just for that hour - just not picking up not picking up. And with time I realised life was for living. Each day was filled with choices. Each day filled with endless possibilities.
Today I know that I must often choose what I do not want to do. That is what is best for me. When I don't want to go to ameeting - I must go. I have learnt that I must not take myself too seriously - cos my addict self runs deep. I listen to others advice. I ask HP for direction.
I know its a disease. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to understand if you have nver used against your will. Its not a cop out. Its true. But each and every addict can recover. Its available to each one of us to arrest the disease.
thanks for letting me share
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Disease or not, whether they smoke 10 joints a week or shoot heroin...if the addict's behaviour is causing a problem in our lives, then WE need help and recovery to learn how to take care of ourselves and live well, no matter how they are doing.
I too am the mom of an addict, who has begged, pleaded, lectured, bribed, punished, played detective, enabled and talked "sense" until I didn't make sense anymore...and I learned that nothing I did or did not do or say made a lick of difference and only exhausted me.
What helped me find my sanity again and live well each day was to go to meetings, learn to work the 12 steps of recovery and begin living a program that literally saved my life.
Was it easy? No. Was it worthwhile? You betcha, it's the best gift I ever gave myself.
I wish I had an "easy" solution or some simple formula that would fix everything for you, but that doesn't exist, so instead I will share what worked for me and promise you that we are all walking with you and understand.
Hugs
I too am the mom of an addict, who has begged, pleaded, lectured, bribed, punished, played detective, enabled and talked "sense" until I didn't make sense anymore...and I learned that nothing I did or did not do or say made a lick of difference and only exhausted me.
What helped me find my sanity again and live well each day was to go to meetings, learn to work the 12 steps of recovery and begin living a program that literally saved my life.
Was it easy? No. Was it worthwhile? You betcha, it's the best gift I ever gave myself.
I wish I had an "easy" solution or some simple formula that would fix everything for you, but that doesn't exist, so instead I will share what worked for me and promise you that we are all walking with you and understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
After a lot of anger, I was finally able to come to a point of just accepting that "it is what it is". In the end it doesn't really matter whether it is a disease or not. To be an addict is to be sick and to love an addict and try to control them, we become just as sick. I went through a period where I took my daughter's addiction so personally that I hated her and wished that she would just die and get it over with. All that I thought of was her. She totally dominated all my thoughts and actions and since I felt that she was choosing this behavior, I thought that if I shamed her enough she would quit. Then I tried a different tactic. I thought that if I spoke recovery to her, she would quit. I have tried many things, from name calling to begging, pleading, crying, etc. She just continued to do what an addict does, use. And I just kept taking it personally and living in fear and darkness everyday. Until one day I decided that it didn't matter the why of what she was doing. What mattered is that I could no longer live the way I was living. Since I do not have meetings close by, I decided to see a therapist. That helped a lot. Also reading here daily and really starting to live my life again helped. I still have dark days but they don't last as long. I still think about my daughter, but she no longer is number 1 in my head. I actually can go hours at a time without a thought about her. What you are going through is a process. The fact that you want to feel better is a good start. It is true that we must go through the pain, the hurt, the anger before we can get to the point of acceptance. You will get there, just be gentle with yourself. Accept your feelings for what they are. You don't have to go through this alone. We are there for you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
The main reason I started to read the F&F forum is because I am a recovering addict and I needed to see the hell I put my loved ones through when I was active. It is a major help in keeping me clean - I don't ever want to do that to them again.
That ALONE won't keep me clean (as much as I wish it would) so I do whatever I need to do to stay clean. I still talk to a few friends who are using and selling dope but they live 1-1/2 hrs away and I will not go there. They actually tell me to stay away and just hearing of who's locked up, who's been beaten up, etc. makes me even more determined to stay clean.
I am in awe of those of you who are dealing with your loved ones' addictions. There is not a one of you who doesn't love your A, but when I read of how well you do it (yeah, you really do), I wake up every day and realize there is absolutely nothing that can happen to me that is any worse than what you are dealing with and you do it without numbing yourself.
I'm now dealing with addiction from the other side - my stepsister just got out of a treatment facility. I'm thankful that I'm clean and I can put all the wisdom I've learned from you all to good use. And I know if I let the codie take over, I can come here, 'fess up, and you all will lead me back on the right track.
So a great big THANK YOU from this recovering addict/codie!! You may not be able to "fix" your A, but you sure are helping this RA out!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
That ALONE won't keep me clean (as much as I wish it would) so I do whatever I need to do to stay clean. I still talk to a few friends who are using and selling dope but they live 1-1/2 hrs away and I will not go there. They actually tell me to stay away and just hearing of who's locked up, who's been beaten up, etc. makes me even more determined to stay clean.
I am in awe of those of you who are dealing with your loved ones' addictions. There is not a one of you who doesn't love your A, but when I read of how well you do it (yeah, you really do), I wake up every day and realize there is absolutely nothing that can happen to me that is any worse than what you are dealing with and you do it without numbing yourself.
I'm now dealing with addiction from the other side - my stepsister just got out of a treatment facility. I'm thankful that I'm clean and I can put all the wisdom I've learned from you all to good use. And I know if I let the codie take over, I can come here, 'fess up, and you all will lead me back on the right track.
So a great big THANK YOU from this recovering addict/codie!! You may not be able to "fix" your A, but you sure are helping this RA out!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
What happens with the brain is an amazing and sometimes frightening thing. Years ago when my children were little, I lost a baby. Since it was during my pregnancy I never properly mourned and the rest of the world did not see the impact it had on me....I stuffed it and didn't really understand myself. As the due date approached, suddenly one day i just shut down...almost comatose...ended up in the hospital and then on some heavy duty antidepressants to bring me back...Lost almost a week that I will never remember...Now someone who does not understand mental illness would say I was not trying or of course I had "control" over what happened. Someone who never had soemthing like this happen would not believe this, would think I should have known...I should have chosen to stop feeling like I felt and get help before it got so bad.
I think about that when i think of addiction - In active addiction "choice" goes out the window, IMO. I knew my little girl...the beautiful young lady who became addicted to heroin. I sat in below freezing weather outside, holding her in my arms as she cried "do you think I want to be like this?" No it was not manipulation - it was the greatest pain I have ever witnessed. She overdosed from tainted heroin once...scary scary experience...I know she did not want to die. And yet, as she struggled with recovery and went back out...trying to "control" it by just snorting half a bag, she had again inhaled tainted heroin and this time did not make it. Would a person...a bright, beautiful, loving person choose to do this...to end her life for a few minutes of good feeling? I personally think that is unimaginable.
For me, I lost my child to a disease....a horrible, horrible disease where the sick person is judged and found lacking by those who have not seen its devastation. I pray no one else has to feel that pain. To me it makes absolutely no sense that all those addicted who we love who are such good, caring, bright people just suddenly became "bad" and mean and cold and uncaring...makes no sense...Just impossible.
It is so baffling...I know and I am so sorry for the pain you are expereincing. Keep taking those baby steps in your recovery and slowly it will all start to work and you will feel much better. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
I think about that when i think of addiction - In active addiction "choice" goes out the window, IMO. I knew my little girl...the beautiful young lady who became addicted to heroin. I sat in below freezing weather outside, holding her in my arms as she cried "do you think I want to be like this?" No it was not manipulation - it was the greatest pain I have ever witnessed. She overdosed from tainted heroin once...scary scary experience...I know she did not want to die. And yet, as she struggled with recovery and went back out...trying to "control" it by just snorting half a bag, she had again inhaled tainted heroin and this time did not make it. Would a person...a bright, beautiful, loving person choose to do this...to end her life for a few minutes of good feeling? I personally think that is unimaginable.
For me, I lost my child to a disease....a horrible, horrible disease where the sick person is judged and found lacking by those who have not seen its devastation. I pray no one else has to feel that pain. To me it makes absolutely no sense that all those addicted who we love who are such good, caring, bright people just suddenly became "bad" and mean and cold and uncaring...makes no sense...Just impossible.
It is so baffling...I know and I am so sorry for the pain you are expereincing. Keep taking those baby steps in your recovery and slowly it will all start to work and you will feel much better. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Great Post!!!
Another mom of AD, 23. It is hell for all involved. I have done all the above, plus some, and nothing changes until she wants it to! I don't and wont ever understand it all, but I do know that people recover every day! Sometimes not when we (I) want them to, but it happens!
Prayers for you. I know your pain and wish I could wave a wand and fix it. Until all our kids are back, we will join here for support, encouragemnt and strength!
susan
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
this has probably been the post that hit home most for me. I am feeling exactly like you. I have no experienced advice for you because I have a hard time following the advice I recieve that I know is the right thing to do. what a vicious circle I'm in.
If you read and listen to everyone here it will all make sense and hopefully you can follow through with the things I just can't bring myself to follow through with. It's confusing, isn't it, they don't want to live like this but they can't stop, so how the heck to we help our child heal? As a mother we are supposed to be able to take all that pain away, why can't we take it away? This is where I get nuts and have anxiety attacks. I know what I'm supposed to do, but it really is against a mothers nature to let go. Whew, that felt good to admit I suck, lol.
Everyday I stop alittle more so hopefully by this time next year (sarcasim) I'll be all better.
I hope you do better than I in the codie department or at least the worry wart department.
Good luck
If you read and listen to everyone here it will all make sense and hopefully you can follow through with the things I just can't bring myself to follow through with. It's confusing, isn't it, they don't want to live like this but they can't stop, so how the heck to we help our child heal? As a mother we are supposed to be able to take all that pain away, why can't we take it away? This is where I get nuts and have anxiety attacks. I know what I'm supposed to do, but it really is against a mothers nature to let go. Whew, that felt good to admit I suck, lol.
Everyday I stop alittle more so hopefully by this time next year (sarcasim) I'll be all better.
I hope you do better than I in the codie department or at least the worry wart department.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Sickatheart --
I'm pretty sure ALL of us here have felt crazy and out of control. There were a few times I was sure I belonged in the psych ward. Despite knowing alot about recovery and a program I STILL cycle through the angry and frustration and sadness. For me I found that everytime I tried to caretake or exert myself doing something for him, to help him and he ended up not receiving my love or support in the way i wished, I would feel like a piece of me was taken away. I'd be angry at myself and angry at him and then resentment followed.
STILL - I can sit here brewing about how HE has been the star of the show and I've been an extra all this time.
It's so hard to keep our hands to ourselves. I couldn't imagine being a mother of an addict. My thoughts are with you.
I'm pretty sure ALL of us here have felt crazy and out of control. There were a few times I was sure I belonged in the psych ward. Despite knowing alot about recovery and a program I STILL cycle through the angry and frustration and sadness. For me I found that everytime I tried to caretake or exert myself doing something for him, to help him and he ended up not receiving my love or support in the way i wished, I would feel like a piece of me was taken away. I'd be angry at myself and angry at him and then resentment followed.
STILL - I can sit here brewing about how HE has been the star of the show and I've been an extra all this time.
It's so hard to keep our hands to ourselves. I couldn't imagine being a mother of an addict. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Sickatheart,
I do believe that addiction is a disease. I don't think anyone would like to do what addicts do.
They lose their self-esteem, respect, relationships, jobs, family. And as in my son's case their will to live and fight back. No person could want these things in their life. That's why I'm sure my son took his own life. He couldn't stand it anymore and didn't think he was strong enough to fight it. Drugs and alcohol take over your life and destroys your family. Mine will never be the same.
Trish
I do believe that addiction is a disease. I don't think anyone would like to do what addicts do.
They lose their self-esteem, respect, relationships, jobs, family. And as in my son's case their will to live and fight back. No person could want these things in their life. That's why I'm sure my son took his own life. He couldn't stand it anymore and didn't think he was strong enough to fight it. Drugs and alcohol take over your life and destroys your family. Mine will never be the same.
Trish
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