Continuing the cycle of dysfunction in the workplace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Continuing the cycle of dysfunction in the workplace.
So here I am - confused, upset, and not knowing what to do.
I think I have managed to pick a boss who mimic's my father and my dysfunctional home dynamic. I - after 6 months of LOVING my job - have just realized this. My boss is a female. She is a small buissness owner and makes all hiring and firing decisions alone. My fate is in her hands. Most of the time we get along great - but there have been some issues. Things have been going well - and I am not sure if what is happening is me trying to create a crisis that does not exist (which I do when my life is going well) or me trying to make healthier decisions for myself. I have fantasized about quitting - but then fly back to loving my job - and then fly back to thinking its unhealthy for me. My thoughts about it reflect her moods. When she is in a good mood and talkitive and friendly - I think to myself "what was I thinking when I was going to quit - good thing I didn't - my boss is awsome". When she is in a bad mood - I have anxiety attacks at work, sometimes I am on the verge of tears, unable to concentrate on my job (and therefore make mistakes) and am consumed to fear that she will fire me (sometimes over the littlest thing). How much of this is REAL concern and how much is the dramatic over-reaction of an ACOA?
I want to say that my boss is a good person. She has gone out of her way to help me. Offering to do things outside of work with me ( like go apartment hunting exc) that will make my life better. She can be very generous and charming when the mood strikes her - and there is alot that I am grateful to her for.....but.
First of all my boss can be moody - hot one minute - and ice cold the next. She often doesn't address issues that arise - and lets them fester - while making passive aggressive remarks, cold stares, or giving the silent treatment so she knows that I understand that something is wrong - most of the time attempts to reach out or bridge the gap are met with hostility or silence. I don't think she does this intentially as a form of "punishment" but to an ACOA whose parents withheld love, affection, and saftey as a form of punishment or to get thier way - it sure as hell feels like it. It might not have anything to do with me - but how long can I keep having anxiety attacks and breakdowns (which no one knows about BTW) at work because of the all consuming fear that I have angered the all powerful authority figure? Alot of the time I feel like I am walking on eggshells.....being quite as not to be noticed.....and trying my hardest to be the best little girl possible to make her happy.
My boss will gossip about me - the mistakes I have made - and even tell my trusted personal information to others. I thought it was safe to tell her about my family troubles - it was not. That information was not kept private. She does this with EVERYONE even her best friends and family. Other employee's will know I have done something "wrong" before I do. Other employees will tell me when she is pissed at me - but she will never say a world - or just act out that anger in another way that doesn't solve the problem. When the issue does get addressed it is lightly. She will tell me me it wasn't a big deal - after screaming about it and ranting about what I did as if it was the end of the world to others. I addressed this with her( I have been working on conflict resolution skills and quite proud of myself. In the past I would have just ignored away these issues until they lead to worse things - and then ignored those things) and things were great for a while....but then not to long after a employee told me that she was complaigning about something else that I did "wrong". I think she has 2 faces and can never trust if what she tells me (as opposed to what she tells others about me) is the truth or a lie.
I have spent alot of energy making myself valuable to my boss. I have more hours then any other staff person - I do more commision work then any other staff person - she couldn't fire me because she needs me - and would never be able to find a replacement that could be so flexable and pick up so many hours - or come to work on a mimnutes notice exc. Yes I am a workaholic.
There is also recreational drug usage that is widley accepted at my place of employment. My boss is a drug user. I am a drug user. I am always afraid of becoming an addict because of how DRIVEN I am to drugs (even ones that I have never taken - which is everything except Marajuania). I am afraid that the easy access and my WANT to use these drugs (which I have suppressed for now) to escape my reality (and maybe even as a way to "bond" to my boss - the same way I discovered that I could "bond" with my father if I started drinking alcohol [he's proud when his little irish girl comes home with a hangover] or that I could bond with my brother and we could have a "relationship" if only I bought him drugs - and we did them together ) will destroy me.
I don't know what to do. I love this job. It is important to me. I need it. I don't want to leave.....but I feel dysfunctional here 50 percent of the time and don't know to to "fix" it.
I think I have managed to pick a boss who mimic's my father and my dysfunctional home dynamic. I - after 6 months of LOVING my job - have just realized this. My boss is a female. She is a small buissness owner and makes all hiring and firing decisions alone. My fate is in her hands. Most of the time we get along great - but there have been some issues. Things have been going well - and I am not sure if what is happening is me trying to create a crisis that does not exist (which I do when my life is going well) or me trying to make healthier decisions for myself. I have fantasized about quitting - but then fly back to loving my job - and then fly back to thinking its unhealthy for me. My thoughts about it reflect her moods. When she is in a good mood and talkitive and friendly - I think to myself "what was I thinking when I was going to quit - good thing I didn't - my boss is awsome". When she is in a bad mood - I have anxiety attacks at work, sometimes I am on the verge of tears, unable to concentrate on my job (and therefore make mistakes) and am consumed to fear that she will fire me (sometimes over the littlest thing). How much of this is REAL concern and how much is the dramatic over-reaction of an ACOA?
I want to say that my boss is a good person. She has gone out of her way to help me. Offering to do things outside of work with me ( like go apartment hunting exc) that will make my life better. She can be very generous and charming when the mood strikes her - and there is alot that I am grateful to her for.....but.
First of all my boss can be moody - hot one minute - and ice cold the next. She often doesn't address issues that arise - and lets them fester - while making passive aggressive remarks, cold stares, or giving the silent treatment so she knows that I understand that something is wrong - most of the time attempts to reach out or bridge the gap are met with hostility or silence. I don't think she does this intentially as a form of "punishment" but to an ACOA whose parents withheld love, affection, and saftey as a form of punishment or to get thier way - it sure as hell feels like it. It might not have anything to do with me - but how long can I keep having anxiety attacks and breakdowns (which no one knows about BTW) at work because of the all consuming fear that I have angered the all powerful authority figure? Alot of the time I feel like I am walking on eggshells.....being quite as not to be noticed.....and trying my hardest to be the best little girl possible to make her happy.
My boss will gossip about me - the mistakes I have made - and even tell my trusted personal information to others. I thought it was safe to tell her about my family troubles - it was not. That information was not kept private. She does this with EVERYONE even her best friends and family. Other employee's will know I have done something "wrong" before I do. Other employees will tell me when she is pissed at me - but she will never say a world - or just act out that anger in another way that doesn't solve the problem. When the issue does get addressed it is lightly. She will tell me me it wasn't a big deal - after screaming about it and ranting about what I did as if it was the end of the world to others. I addressed this with her( I have been working on conflict resolution skills and quite proud of myself. In the past I would have just ignored away these issues until they lead to worse things - and then ignored those things) and things were great for a while....but then not to long after a employee told me that she was complaigning about something else that I did "wrong". I think she has 2 faces and can never trust if what she tells me (as opposed to what she tells others about me) is the truth or a lie.
I have spent alot of energy making myself valuable to my boss. I have more hours then any other staff person - I do more commision work then any other staff person - she couldn't fire me because she needs me - and would never be able to find a replacement that could be so flexable and pick up so many hours - or come to work on a mimnutes notice exc. Yes I am a workaholic.
There is also recreational drug usage that is widley accepted at my place of employment. My boss is a drug user. I am a drug user. I am always afraid of becoming an addict because of how DRIVEN I am to drugs (even ones that I have never taken - which is everything except Marajuania). I am afraid that the easy access and my WANT to use these drugs (which I have suppressed for now) to escape my reality (and maybe even as a way to "bond" to my boss - the same way I discovered that I could "bond" with my father if I started drinking alcohol [he's proud when his little irish girl comes home with a hangover] or that I could bond with my brother and we could have a "relationship" if only I bought him drugs - and we did them together ) will destroy me.
I don't know what to do. I love this job. It is important to me. I need it. I don't want to leave.....but I feel dysfunctional here 50 percent of the time and don't know to to "fix" it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Mlynn 
Sorry to hear your boss has not kept your confidence. That sucks.
Is there any reason why you have to do anything _today_? It sounds to me like you are talking about a major decision; switching jobs. That's the kind of thing that I give myself a couple weeks to figure out little by little.
Did you ever get a therapist? You had mentioned that in other posts. A therapist would be a great resource to help you work out what you want to do about this boss.
You might also want to look around for other jobs, not with any kind of decision in mind, but just to see what's available in the event that you decide to quit.
whadya think?
Mike
Sorry to hear your boss has not kept your confidence. That sucks.
Originally Posted by Mlynn 
...I don't know what to do. I love this job. It is important to me. I need it. I don't want to leave.....but I feel dysfunctional here 50 percent of the time and don't know to to "fix" it.
Did you ever get a therapist? You had mentioned that in other posts. A therapist would be a great resource to help you work out what you want to do about this boss.
You might also want to look around for other jobs, not with any kind of decision in mind, but just to see what's available in the event that you decide to quit.
whadya think?
Mike
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi. Your situation sounds exactly like my previous employment situation, so I wanted to reply.
Objectively, I believe that you have a pretty crappy and toxic boss. Add to that the small workplace and drug use (I used to go out and get drunk with my boss) and you have a pretty difficult situation that probably does mirror your dysfunctional family.
I'd start looking around for another position.
Good luck
Karen
Objectively, I believe that you have a pretty crappy and toxic boss. Add to that the small workplace and drug use (I used to go out and get drunk with my boss) and you have a pretty difficult situation that probably does mirror your dysfunctional family.
I'd start looking around for another position.
Good luck
Karen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
oh yeah...there's a codi/alki relationship with my bosses too.
I read it in a codi book, that a person like me would have that
type of relationship at work. i didn't belive at first.
but I simply just had to remembered the countless times,
i called clicents and take the blame for something I entirely
wasn't envolved with or it wan't my fualt...just little signs like that.
well, I get paid the big bucks for reasons...but still.
I read it in a codi book, that a person like me would have that
type of relationship at work. i didn't belive at first.
but I simply just had to remembered the countless times,
i called clicents and take the blame for something I entirely
wasn't envolved with or it wan't my fualt...just little signs like that.
well, I get paid the big bucks for reasons...but still.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mlynn,
I believe in being happy at my job. Not 50% of the time, more like 100% (or perhaps 95%...we all have bad days)
Consider starting to scan the papers and boards for another position. You don't have to do anything right now except reclaim your power to control your own life. You don't have to work there -- in fact, it sounds as though your situation is toxic there. You can find another job you love where they don't do drugs and you don't have to worry about your boss breaching confidence with others. Consider too that the workplace is not the place to spill your personal trauma...it sounds like you've shared too much of yourself with people who are not safeguarding that information. These are your co-workers, not your friends. Their moods should not cause you to have anxiety attacks.
All jobs come with their liabilities, but this one seems like it's causing too much stress for you. If you can't find a way to detach from her, and from the situation, then for your own sake you should be shopping for something else.
A counselor or therapist can listen to details and offer answers that we can't possibly here...at least they were very helpful for me.
Just my 0.02.
I believe in being happy at my job. Not 50% of the time, more like 100% (or perhaps 95%...we all have bad days)
Consider starting to scan the papers and boards for another position. You don't have to do anything right now except reclaim your power to control your own life. You don't have to work there -- in fact, it sounds as though your situation is toxic there. You can find another job you love where they don't do drugs and you don't have to worry about your boss breaching confidence with others. Consider too that the workplace is not the place to spill your personal trauma...it sounds like you've shared too much of yourself with people who are not safeguarding that information. These are your co-workers, not your friends. Their moods should not cause you to have anxiety attacks.
All jobs come with their liabilities, but this one seems like it's causing too much stress for you. If you can't find a way to detach from her, and from the situation, then for your own sake you should be shopping for something else.
A counselor or therapist can listen to details and offer answers that we can't possibly here...at least they were very helpful for me.
Just my 0.02.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Yeah, work relationships can definitely mirror unhealthy family relationships. It's all people, after all, and ACOAs and addicts are everywhere.
Some of your problems are of your own creation - sharing your personal **** at work for one, excessive socializing with the boss outside of work, doing drugs with boss and coworkers ... all bad moves. Letting yourself get enmeshed with your boss, and staying in a situation where she has all power over your life now, because you've enmeshed work with personal.
Others are just having a boss who happens to be an unhealthy person. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her, and you can change jobs. You can't 'fix' it, you can only detach from it.
I've had more than my fair share of dysfunctional workplaces too, in part because I didn't know any better. Now I do. Unfortunately I'm still stuck in one. I have worked here for a year and a half and have been looking for another job for just about a year and a half ... with no success. Having moved out on and divorced an AH, and having to be totally self supporting, but being a 48yr old woman, I get very stressed over being trapped in a dysfunctional, low-paying, dead-end job that pays me less than less-qualified 30yr old men (boys, really). Our boss is an ACOA woman, and all my coworkers I swear are ACOA too, and I'm sick to death of having to deal with all the immaturity. But if I quit before finding another position, I'm homeless, and I'm not finding another position despite great qualifications, excellent references, and an advanced degree ...
We don't leave our problems behind at work - not us, not our coworkers, not even the bosses. I know that some of my discomfort at work is just old ACOA issues being triggered by similarly dysfunctional personalities. They say we get what we settle for, so I think you need to start looking around. Of course that same saying means I need to quit my job, which I can't do ... it's a big source of stress for me, being trapped like this.
Some of your problems are of your own creation - sharing your personal **** at work for one, excessive socializing with the boss outside of work, doing drugs with boss and coworkers ... all bad moves. Letting yourself get enmeshed with your boss, and staying in a situation where she has all power over your life now, because you've enmeshed work with personal.
Others are just having a boss who happens to be an unhealthy person. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her, and you can change jobs. You can't 'fix' it, you can only detach from it.
I've had more than my fair share of dysfunctional workplaces too, in part because I didn't know any better. Now I do. Unfortunately I'm still stuck in one. I have worked here for a year and a half and have been looking for another job for just about a year and a half ... with no success. Having moved out on and divorced an AH, and having to be totally self supporting, but being a 48yr old woman, I get very stressed over being trapped in a dysfunctional, low-paying, dead-end job that pays me less than less-qualified 30yr old men (boys, really). Our boss is an ACOA woman, and all my coworkers I swear are ACOA too, and I'm sick to death of having to deal with all the immaturity. But if I quit before finding another position, I'm homeless, and I'm not finding another position despite great qualifications, excellent references, and an advanced degree ...
We don't leave our problems behind at work - not us, not our coworkers, not even the bosses. I know that some of my discomfort at work is just old ACOA issues being triggered by similarly dysfunctional personalities. They say we get what we settle for, so I think you need to start looking around. Of course that same saying means I need to quit my job, which I can't do ... it's a big source of stress for me, being trapped like this.
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